Eddie Griffin Air Humps Two Lesbos's Faces At Comedy Show, Ruckus Ensues

TMZ - The woman who chucked a drink at Eddie Griffin at a recent comedy show, Tells TMZ it was an ACT OF SELF DEFENSE ... claiming she "felt sexually assaulted" by the comedian after he pumped his crotch into her face. Fiona Walshe -- who is a lesbian -- tells TMZ ... she and her partner Leslie were having a good time at Tommy T's Comedy Club in Pleasanton, CA last week, until Griffin singled them out due to their sexual orientation. Fiona claims Griffin pointed to her and said, "You're a LESBIAN. All you need is a good man ... I'll volunteer my services. You won't be needing any strap-on's or vibrators with me." She says it got worse from there, "He started to pump his hips into my face. I felt sexually assaulted and I wanted him to stop -- then I threw the drink at him to defend myself." Fiona claims Eddie went off after that ... "He jumped off the stage and onto my table. He started grabbing everything and throwing it at me" ... including a salt and pepper shaker, she says. She continues, "Before I could get away from him he poured a water bottle on my head and threw it at me."

Had these broads never been to a comedy show before? This is par for the course. The comedian picks out a few people each show and makes the night wildly uncomfortable for them in a manner that would be judged as socially insensitive in any other setting. It's the social contract you enter when you buy tickets to a comedy show. Two drink minimum and a 1:100 chance that  your night is absolutely ruined by a comedian honing in on you. Doesn't everyone know this? You want to avoid this, you sit in the middle to back section away from center stage. You don't sit front few rows, you don't sit back row, and you try your hardest not to sit in the dead center. Otherwise, be prepared for air-face fucking and all other shenanigans.

PS: Anyone else mildly excited for when Gloria Allred undoubtedly takes this case:




Guys dead serious face gets me every time.

Sex Toy Gets the Drop on Chinese Officials Again!

HuffPo - The phrase "inflated body count' took on new meaning for 18 cops in China's Shandong Province who worked together to save a sex doll they thought was a drowning woman. The incident happened July 11 when officers responded to a report that there was a lady in distress in one of the province's rivers...It took more than 40 minutes before the officers were able to recover the pleasure toy. After confirming that they had indeed run around in a panic for nearly an hour over trying to rescue someone’s blow-up girlfriend, the police presented it to the anxious crowd, who quickly covered their children’s eyes and walked away, according to RocketNews24.com No word on how the sex doll got in the river in the first place, but the Times of India reports that Shandong is an important center for producing sex toys in China and supplies them across the globe.

Officials in China, am I right? Second time in as many months some government officials, this time the police, have been fooled by China's burgeoning sex toy business. First it was a rubber vagina they confused for a new species of mushroom, now they're running search and rescue efforts for oddly proportioned fuck dolls. Safe to say I'm still not worried about China as a global threat, just yet.

PS: Do the people of Shadong hang their hat on the fact that they're "an important center for producing sex toys?" Like is it a badge of honor, or something that brings their families shame when they go to visit other relatives..."Oh here comes the "Kim-Lee clan, don't let your kids talk to them alone, they live in Shadong, who knows what those perverts will talk about."

Utah Officials Tracking "Goat Man"

Fox News - Utah authorities are working to identify a man spotted dressed in a goat suit among a herd of wild goats in the mountains of northern Utah. The photographer who snapped blurry photos of the individual, dubbed "goat man," told Fox affiliate KSTU-TV that he spotted the man Sunday as he was descending Ben Lomond peak, about 40 miles north of Salt Lake City. "He was clumsy, working his way down the cliff trying to catch up with the rest of the herd," photographer Coty Creighton told the station. "With the binoculars, I could clearly see it was a guy dressed up in a homemade goat suit." Creighton said the man appeared to be wearing heavy gloves so he could crawl on his hands and knees. He also said that at one point, the man lifted his mask and looked up at him for several minutes. "He kind of slouched down, like was getting nervous or was feeling really self-conscious," Creighton added. "He actually got off his hands and knees and sat on the hill for several minutes until he thought I was gone."...Douglass said wildlife officials received an anonymous call Thursday from an "agitated man" after the sighting was reported in local media. The caller simply said, "Leave goat man alone. He's done nothing wrong." ...He said he pulled out binoculars to get a closer look at the herd about 200 yards away and was shocked. The man appeared to be acting like a goat while wearing the crudely made costume, which had fake horns and a cloth mask with cut-out eye holes, Creighton said. "I thought, `What is this guy doing?' " Creighton said. "He was actually on his hands and knees. He was climbing over rocks and bushes and pretty rough terrain on a steep hillside." Creighton moved down the mountain and hid behind a tree, then began snapping photographs. "We were the only ones around for miles," Creighton said. "It was real creepy." 

Do You Goat Man! Do You! I hate clipping that much of an article, but really, what would you have me do, there's just too much there.

Poor guys day is ruined.

And how about Coty Creighton just blowing this guys spot up? Like yea he was feeling self conscious, guy sits at home, sews together a home made goat suit, craws on all fours for miles into the wilderness just for some alone time with his beloved goats, only to have some granola guy out on a walk about snapping photos of him from the hillside. That shit will make anyone uncomfortable. It's like when you were a little kid, maybe like, 8-9 years old, still a child, but old enough to have some inhibitions, can't go around acting willy-nilly like you did a couple of years ago. Maybe you sneak off to your parents basement to act out a favorite scene from the most recent episode of the Ninja Turtles, you're having a blast, round house kicking the air, using an old mop handle as a bow staff, and all of a sudden out of the corner of your eye you notice one of your parents is watching you from the stairs, so you pull this dudes move. You slowly transition out of fantasy land and sit there like nothing was going on until they get bored and leave.  We've all been there, we feel  you, goat man.

Red Sox Fans Pulse Check: They're Done

I wouldn't be showing my face either

Fuck this team. I don't know how it took me this long to get to this point, but fuck em.  They're absolutely maddening. Go on a run, get a few games above .500, 1 game out of the wild card, lose 4 straight, including getting absolutely blown out the past two games. Right back in the cellar, right back under .500.

Yes they've had more than their fair share of injuries, granted, but I'd be more willing to take that argument if they team has just been wallowing miserably 10 games under .500 or so for the season...that hasn't happened. This team battled back from an ATROCIOUS start, fought themselves into contention a week or so before the all-star game, only to just throw away their last series before the break. Then we see them play the same game of yo-yo these past two weeks, taking 3 of 4 from the Chi-Sox, and then dumping the games right back. It's infuriating.

And the other thing with the injury argument...the grand majority of the injuries on this team, have been on the offensive side of the baseball, you know, the side that is, as of this morning, 2 runs behind the Rangers for the most runs scored in all of baseball. It just doesn't hold water. For the majority of the season these may not have been the guys the Sox had planned on in Spring Training, but they sure as hell produced like them.

So if the offense isn't the problem then I'd say it's safe to circle back to the pitching. IT'S THE PITCHING. They absolutely suck. Between Lester and Becket's season long dueling banjo's of suck routine, Buchholz' abysmal start, Daniel Bard pitching like Steve Nebraska in The Scout, they brought Daisuke back, the guy they traded for to be our new closer HAS NEVER PITCHED A GAME, Melancon might have set a few records earlier this year for must runs allowed in less than an inning, oh yea, and at one point the front office was so desperate that THEY BROUGHT DAISUKE BACK! Did I mention that already?  The only thing they haven't tried is trotting out that fat fuck John Lackey.

So yes, fuck this team. The 2012 Red Sox are a wrap for this guy.

The Aurora, CO Tragedy and Our National Debate on Gun Control

Jason Alexander (George Costanza) somehow put to words everything I wanted to say about the Aurora Shooting (lone crazed gunmen in general) and the state of gun control in this country, except in a more well thought out, controlled, and logical manner than I'd have ever been able to come up with.

Beyond the tragedy, the victims, and their family and friends, I spent most of this weekend thinking about, and abjectly frustrated by social media. As with seemingly every major event lately in this country there was an immediate rush by everyone to pick one extreme side on the issue, and subsequently defend it with their life. In this case, the issue being gun control. Almost immediately Facebook posts popped up lamenting the fact that we haven't abolished guns in America, and on the opposite end, gun enthusiasts (I'll refrain from saying "nuts", but honestly, if your first Facebook post after a massive tragedy is a picture of a gun or some short post about how one NRA member with a gun in the theater could have stopped it...well you're painting a pretty blunt picture of yourself all on your own) arguing the opposite; more guns, guns don't kill, people do, ban automobiles, knives, anything else that can kill...standard stuff.

Ludicrous stuff. It never ceases to amaze me these days how people automatically run to polar positions, as if actually critically thinking about the issue and recognizing that not everything is black and white, cut and dry, right or wrong, was never an option to begin with.

I think Jason Alexander, in a very sound manner, highlighted A middle position (not THE middle position, as there could be many and we should be open to other possibilities). Jason did not come out and in blanket terms call for an end to gun ownership, but he did raise some very serious questions about why certain types of guns are available for ownership in the first place. It's a well thought out argument that anyone willing to think critically and allow for reasoning, one of the few characteristics of humans that allegedly differentiates us from other living species, should be able to come to an agreement on. It's a measured and proper position given the events of this weekend and the questions that should result.

Sadly, his position (and mine), will presumably be drown out by the increasingly louder, and more populous fringe arguments. The media, instead of leading educated, researched, balanced and measured discussions and reports on the issue, will, as with most other hot button issues of late, pick a camp and pander to them. This will inevitably lead to the already loud, minority positions becoming louder, and less of a minority, as more and more misinformed or under-informed people continue to stake their position based on catchy headlines, quick skims of lede's, and biased reports (from both sides).

And that's the second tragedy of Fridays events. Yet another, very public, very visible example of our country's inability to come together and collectively make educated and informed decisions for our country's well being. And in an era of social media, where everyone has their own soapbox, it just goes to highlight that it's not just politicians creating gridlock, stubbornly unable to act or come to compromises, it's every day citizens, it's you and it's me.  Nothing, NOTHING, will change for the better in this country until people with opposing opinions come out of their bunkers, let go of their easy to grasp, dogmatic positions, and realize it's not about proving yourself right, as much as it is as GETTING it right, for everyone. That one person's belief, however strong, does not nullify another's, and that sometimes, the right decision doesn't necessarily align with personal perceptions on an issue.

Below I've copied Jason Alexanders full essay (blog, whatever) on the issue:

I'd like to preface this long tweet by saying that my passion comes from my deepest sympathy and shared sorrow with yesterday's victims and with the utmost respect for the people and the police/fire/medical/political forces of Aurora and all who seek to comfort and aid these victims.

This morning, I made a comment about how I do not understand people who support public ownership of assault style weapons like the AR-15 used in the Colorado massacre. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AR-15

That comment, has of course, inspired a lot of feedback. There have been many tweets of agreement and sympathy but many, many more that have been challenging at the least, hostile and vitriolic at the worst.

Clearly, the angry, threatened and threatening, hostile comments are coming from gun owners and gun advocates. Despite these massacres recurring and despite the 100,000 Americans that die every year due to domestic gun violence - these people see no value to even considering some kind of control as to what kinds of weapons are put in civilian hands.

Many of them cite patriotism as their reason - true patriots support the Constitution adamantly and wholly. Constitution says citizens have the right to bear arms in order to maintain organized militias. I'm no constitutional scholar so here it is from the document itself:

As passed by the Congress:
"A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed."
As ratified by the States and authenticated by Thomas Jefferson, Secretary of State:
"A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed."

So the patriots are correct, gun ownership is in the constitution - if you're in a well-regulated militia. Let's see what no less a statesman than Alexander Hamilton had to say about a militia:

"A tolerable expertness in military movements is a business that requires time and practice. It is not a day, or even a week, that will suffice for the attainment of it. To oblige the great body of the yeomanry, and of the other classes of the citizens, to be under arms for the purpose of going through military exercises and evolutions, as often as might be necessary to acquire the degree of perfection which would entitle them to the character of a well-regulated militia, would be a real grievance to the people, and a serious public inconvenience and loss."

Or from Merriam-Webster dictionary:
Definition of MILITIA
1
a : a part of the organized armed forces of a country liable to call only in emergency
b : a body of citizens organized for military service
2
: the whole body of able-bodied male citizens declared by law as being subject to call to military service

The advocates of guns who claim patriotism and the rights of the 2nd Amendment - are they in well-regulated militias? For the vast majority - the answer is no.

Then I get messages from seemingly decent and intelligent people who offer things like: @BrooklynAvi: Guns should only be banned if violent crimes committed with tomatoes means we should ban tomatoes. OR @nysportsguys1: Drunk drivers kill, should we ban fast cars?

I'm hoping that right after they hit send, they take a deep breath and realize that those arguments are completely specious. I believe tomatoes and cars have purposes other than killing. What purpose does an AR-15 serve to a sportsman that a more standard hunting rifle does not serve? Let's see - does it fire more rounds without reload? Yes. Does it fire farther and more accurately? Yes. Does it accommodate a more lethal payload? Yes. So basically, the purpose of an assault style weapon is to kill more stuff, more fully, faster and from further away. To achieve maximum lethality. Hardly the primary purpose of tomatoes and sports cars.

Then there are the tweets from the extreme right - these are the folk who believe our government has been corrupted and stolen and that the forces of evil are at play, planning to take over this nation and these folk are going to fight back and take a stand. And any moron like me who doesn't see it should...
a. be labeled a moron
b. shut the fuck up
c. be removed

And amazingly, I have some minor agreement with these folks. I believe there are evil forces at play in our government. But I call them corporatists. I call them absolutists. I call them the kind of ideologues from both sides, but mostly from the far right who swear allegiance to unelected officials that regardless of national need or global conditions, are never to levy a tax. That they are never to compromise or seek solutions with the other side. That are to obstruct every possible act of governance, even the ones they support or initiate. Whose political and social goal is to marginalize the other side, vilify and isolate them with the hope that they will surrender, go away or die out.

These people believe that the US government is eventually going to go street by street and enslave our citizens. Now as long as that is only happening to liberals, homosexuals and democrats - no problem. But if they try it with anyone else - it's going to be arms-ageddon and these committed, God-fearing, brave souls will then use their military-esque arsenal to show the forces of our corrupt government whats-what. These people think they meet the definition of a "militia". They don't. At least not the constitutional one. And, if it should actually come to such an unthinkable reality, these people believe they would win. That's why they have to "take our country back". From who? From anyone who doesn't think like them or see the world like them. They hold the only truth, everyone else is dangerous. Ever meet a terrorist that doesn't believe that? Just asking.

Then there are the folks who write that if everyone in Colorado had a weapon, this maniac would have been stopped. Perhaps. But I do believe that the element of surprise, tear gas and head to toe kevlar protection might have given him a distinct edge. Not only that, but a crowd of people firing away in a chaotic arena without training or planning - I tend to think that scenario could produce even more victims.

Lastly, there are these well-intended realists that say that people like this evil animal would get these weapons even if we regulated them. And they may be right. But he wouldn't have strolled down the road to Kmart and picked them up. Regulated, he would have had to go to illegal sources - sources that could possibly be traced, watched, overseen. Or he would have to go deeper online and those transactions could be monitored. "Hm, some guy in Aurora is buying guns, tons of ammo and kevlar - plus bomb-making ingredients and tear gas. Maybe we should check that out."

But that won't happen as long as all that activity is legal and unrestricted.

I have been reading on and off as advocates for these weapons make their excuses all day long. Guns don't kill - people do. Well if that's correct, I go with @BrooklynAvi, let them kill with tomatoes. Let them bring baseball bats, knives, even machetes --- a mob can deal with that.

There is no excuse for the propagation of these weapons. They are not guaranteed or protected by our constitution. If they were, then we could all run out and purchase a tank, a grenade launcher, a bazooka, a SCUD missile and a nuclear warhead. We could stockpile napalm and chemical weapons and bomb-making materials in our cellars under our guise of being a militia.

These weapons are military weapons. They belong in accountable hands, controlled hands and trained hands. They should not be in the hands of private citizens to be used against police, neighborhood intruders or people who don't agree with you. These are the weapons that maniacs acquire to wreak murder and mayhem on innocents. They are not the same as handguns to help homeowners protect themselves from intruders. They are not the same as hunting rifles or sporting rifles. These weapons are designed for harm and death on big scales.

SO WHY DO YOU CONTINUE TO SUPPORT THEM? WHY DO YOU NOT, AT LEAST, AGREE TO SIT WITH REASONABLE PEOPLE FROM BOTH SIDES AND ASK HARD QUESTIONS AND LOOK AT HARD STATISTICS AND POSSIBLY MAKE SOME COMPROMISES FOR THE GREATER GOOD? SO THAT MOTHERS AND FATHERS AND CHILDREN ARE NOT SLAUGHTERED QUITE SO EASILY BY THESE MONSTERS? HOW CAN IT HURT TO STOP DEFENDING THESE THINGS AND AT LEAST CONSIDER HOW WE CAN ALL WORK TO TRY TO PREVENT ANOTHER DAY LIKE YESTERDAY?

We will not prevent every tragedy. We cannot stop every maniac. But we certainly have done ourselves no good by allowing these particular weapons to be acquired freely by just about anyone.

I'll say it plainly - if someone wants these weapons, they intend to use them. And if they are willing to force others to "pry it from my cold, dead hand", then they are probably planning on using them on people.

So, sorry those of you who tell me I'm an actor, or a has-been or an idiot or a commie or a liberal and that I should shut up. You can not watch my stuff, you can unfollow and you can call me all the names you like. I may even share some of them with my global audience so everyone can get a little taste of who you are.

But this is not the time for reasonable people, on both sides of this issue, to be silent. We owe it to the people whose lives were ended and ruined yesterday to insist on a real discussion and hopefully on some real action.

In conclusion, whoever you are and wherever you stand on this issue, I hope you have the joy of family with you today. Hold onto them and love them as best you can. Tell them what they mean to you. Yesterday, a whole bunch of them went to the movies and tonight their families are without them. Every day is precious. Every life is precious. Take care. Be well. Be safe. God bless.

Jason Alexander

Penn State Penalties Announced; I've Never Had a Better Chance of Playing D-1 Football.

TMZ - Penn State University was just hit with a $60 million sanction by the NCAA for its role in covering up the Jerry Sandusky child rape scandal. And it gets worse -- or better -- depending for whom you're rooting. NCAA President Mark Emmert just announced ... PSU will be BANNED from bowl games for the next 4 years. The NCAA will also vacate all PSU football wins from 1998 to 2011. Penn State's football team will have its football scholarships reduced from 25 to 15 per year for the next 4 years. All PSU football players are allowed to transfer out of the school to any other school as soon as possible ... while keeping full eligibility. In other words, a PSU player can transfer to Ohio State next season and start immediately. Football players are also allowed to quit the football team and keep their scholarships. The PSU athletic program will be on probation for 5 years.

Dreams are coming true today! Up until now I've never gotten a fair shot at real playing time on a D-1 football team for various reasons, including, but not limited to, not being a juice monkey, not having played organized football previously, being of only average size and height, and probably, most importantly, my injury history. During one summer when I was like, 15, I simultaneously rolled my ankle and had some pretty gnarly stitches on my knee from a freak accident with the family couch...I all but fell off the recruiting radar as a result.

Well no more, if ever there was a time where I, or really any of you, could walk on to a D-1 Football team, this is it. No bowl games for 4 years, 10 scholarships completely gone, and a program with $0 money to reinvest and/or pay its players with illegally for one whole season. Jackpot. Now all I've gotta do is check to make sure my few seasons of Indoor Co-ed Division B Adult soccer didn't ruin my eligibility. 

Dez Bryant's Moms 911 Call is Exactly As Hoodrat as You'd Think It Was

Honestly, that kinda answers one of my bigger 911 questions, how the hell do the operators deal with all the varying degrees of english people speak in this country? Like if this was me, wouldn't have gotten a word out of Dez Bryans momma. Just a bunch of unrecognizeable partial sentences from a woman who was barely paying any attention to the call.

But this guy? Handled it like a pro, even talked just like her, probably to make her feel comfortable. Like the "Where he at?" line...undeniably the first time a 911 operator has said "where he at?" Makes me wonder if they teach the operator to speak like the victim or if they just got specially assigned operators based on the area code you call from.  Like "oh, this ones coming from the Ghetto, Tyrone, you're up." 

And honestly, was she not the most annoying 911 caller of all time? I'm fairly surprised this dude didn't flip and yell something like "BITCH YOU CALLED ME!," and then hung up.


PS: Dez Bryant's license plate being "Bailme" is the height of irony.

Is It Wrong To Yell Mashed Potatoes During A Company Softball Game

Because we hit some whoppers last night. My gut says I shouldn't, I mean, it's mixed co-ed softball with a bunch of cube-monkeys of varying degrees of athletic skill (very varying)...But at the same time, if you're 20 something guy, you've got to get the reference, no? Like if you bristle instead of chuckling after a solid "mashed potatoes" call I feel like you're probably just an absolute dick. Actually, yeah, screw it, I'm going for it next game.

Everyone Take 3 Minutes Out of Your Day to Send Pitbull To A Walmart in Canada

Make Sure This Happens, People

CNN - Thousands of Internet jokesters are on the cusp of sending Miami recording artist Pitbull to a far-flung land of grizzlies, salmon and crab. Pitbull, in a promotion by Walmart and Energy Sheets tongue strips, agreed to visit the U.S. Walmart store that receives the most “likes” on its local Facebook page in a 28-day period that ends July 15. As of Tuesday afternoon, the leader was a Walmart in Kodiak, Alaska, with more than 48,500 likes - roughly eight times its population of about 6,000 people - Walmart spokeswoman Sarah Spencer said Tuesday....Pitbull was on tour in Munich, Germany, on Tuesday and wasn’t immediately available for comment, his publicist said. But on Twitter, Pitbull was having fun with the Kodiak idea. “I hear there's bear repellant at Kodiak, Alaska,” Pitbull tweeted Saturday. On Sunday, he tweeted, “Picture me with a Kodiak…Ha!” - an homage to a “Give Me Everything” lyric “take a picture of me with a Kodak.”

Oohhhh-hoooo Pitbull...I can picture you with a Kodiak, it's fantastic, mauling you so we never have to hear your cheesy hits ever again. It's a wonderful thought, actually.

People, make this happen. Takes 2 minutes, jump on Facebook (which you've probably already got open anyway) and Like the Kodiak Alaska Walmart page.  It's that simple...while you're there if you wanted to like The Alt-Tab Fan page, do that too. We're not sending Pitbull or any other annoying celebrities anywhere, Liking us would strictly be for my own self-esteem.