What Could Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenbaganager Possibly Be Discussing Here?

Least coherrent conversation of all time...Seroiusly, it's hard enough to understand what the hell either one of them is saying when they're not stoned, fresh out of surgery. What we have here is undoubtedly a conversation entirely made up of baritone grunts and deep bellowing laughs, nothing more...kind of like every acting role either of them has had for the last 20 years.

Tim Thomas and the On-Going (made up) Persecution of Catholics in America

Boston Herald - Bruins goalie Tim Thomas [stats] waded into political waters again yesterday, declaring on his Facebook page, “I Stand with the Catholics in the fight for Religious Freedom.” While he didn’t say so explicitly, and he wasn’t immediately available for further comment, the post could be in response to the Obama administration’s directive that all insurance plans, including those offered by religious-affiliated schools and hospitals, provide women free access to contraceptives. The new policy has set off a firestorm of controversy among religious groups, especially Catholics, who say the requirement would force them to violate church teachings and long-held beliefs against contraception. Republican lawmakers also are pushing back against the rule.

The rest of Timmy's social media crusade:

“I Stand with the Catholics in the fight for Religious Freedom. In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.”

When you first grew a mustache that made you look like that gay pancake flipper, Johnny Cakes (left), from the Soprano's, I said nothing. When you acted out and didn't meet the President, I didn't speak up. But now, when you act like a complete looney, comparing free birth control to Hitlers crusade against the Jews, I must speak up.

Uhh, Tim, what the hell are you talking about? Was the Bill of Rights repealed last week and only you're aware of it? Or have you just completely lost touch with reality (and before we get rolling, be aware that I'm all for his right to free speech, he can say whatever he wants, and I can ridicule him for it however I want)?

What is it with these uber-Catholics and the inability to let others live the way they want to? Seriously, so because free contraceptives will be available through health plans this is equated to President Obama swinging by your house every morning and shoving birth control down your throats with your morning coffee? No! It's not forcing you to do shit. It's not forcing you to give up your beliefs or practices. Hell, move to Arkansas or Mississippi if you don't want to see it. They have poor sex-ed curriculum's, a healthy fear of contraceptives, and the highest teen-pregnancy rates in the country. Go ahead, live your Catholic life with all the baby-mamma's and MTV reality shows, completely ignorant to modern day realities. 

And really? Taking one of the most famous quotes about the Holocaust and applying it to a new program that will make birth control and contraceptives readily available to those who choose to use them? Schindler is probably spinning in his grave...Are you out of your freaking mind? We're talking about a genocide in which millions of people were killed...you know that, right? I'd say its a bit different than individuals deciding for themselves whether or not they want to risk pregnancy, wouldn't you? 

Bottom line, unless the POTUS himself has been running around at night slapping condom's on dudes and hiding crushed up birth controls in people's morning peanut butter servings I fail to see how any of this shit makes sense. No one's forcing shit on you or any of the other Catholics, Timmy.

Operation Liquid Expulsion: Stages of Having to take a Massive Piss

If only it were that easy, Calvin



I’m back ladies and gentleman with yet another entry about a seemingly mudane
(edit: crude) but astonishingly deep issue that strikes us all when it is most inconvenient: whether it be at the bar when you are hitting out of the park with an attractive member of the opposite sex (highly unlikely) or you are stuck in a long car ride having mistakenly thought you could down 5 Pacific Cooler Capri Suns before the ride (much more likely.) You told yourself you’d only have one, but they are just so damn delicious and there’s only like 2 ounces of fluid in that $5.00 pouch of sugar water. Either way, we’ve all ridden the “Holdin’ It” express. But I’m here to break down this process, as it goes beyond simply one bad decision. Rather, it is a consistent sequence of dumb fuckery that we should know better to engage in at this point, but our stubborn biological circuitry refuses to arrange itself in a more advantageous manner.

Stage 1: Invincibility Complex- This quirk of human personality goes all the way back to when you were a poorly planned idea in the minds of your parents after a drunken night out. Despite all evidence that we will fail at a forthcoming endeavor or that the statistical likelihood of a negative outcome is all but going to occur as a result of our incompetence, we have a built in, “Fuck it, I can do it” switch. I’m guilty of this as much as the next guy. During high school, my friends and I thought chugging various liquids at top speed would result in much machismo and ascension on the social hierarchy. I mean, random dudes on YouTube completed these beverage based tasks to the adoration of millions of viewers and much worship in the comments section. We can totally pull off some awesome hijinks right? Holy shit, were we ever wrong. All we ended up with was a puke stained drive way. And by “we,” I mean my idiot friend who goaded me into trying to pound 5 Gatorades in 2 minutes. He provided the driveway, I the puke. Hope his driveway still smells like shit. Long story short, we think we can do stuff when we really just can’t, but that doesn’t stop us from trying.

Stage 2: Shaky Foundation- This is when the seeds are doubt are growing in your mind, and that tiny, almost indiscernible part of your brain screams at you to cease and desist your current endeavor because this is the grain of rice that tips the scale, or the Coors Light that will have you crossing your legs so hard you injure a testicle just so that you don’t publicly piss your pants. Contrary to the events in Billy Madison, peeing your pants is NOT COOL. You have wear a sodden, pair of pants that reek like all holy hell, much to the displeasure of the general public. At least with a smelly fart you can feign ignorance pretty easily. You piss yourself, no getting away with that. You are wearing a puddle of evidence my friend. But you go ahead and do it anyway. Like order the buffalo chicken pizza telling yourself you won’t get an extra large coke, like saying you won’t eat all the ice cubes at the bottom on your drink, like telling the neighborhood kids at the corner you’d like to have more homemade lemonade for a quarter even though you have to drive all the way up to your friends lake house 2 hours away in LackofSociety, New Hampshire (…that one didn’t come from personal experience…no way…in my defense they were using ENORMOUS kitchen glasses that took out 1/3rd of the pitcher every time. For a quarter. I would have been a fool to pass it up.)

Stage 3: Desperation Bargaining- Either publicly or privately (but most often publicly, much to the chagrin of your current company,) you begin to make every concession in the book, just for the opportunity to void your bladder as quickly as possible. Often pleas to some sort of divine figure are made, but as if the cosmos finds your situation extremely enjoyable, every possible avenue of conventional piss taking are off limits to you. Bathroom at a fast food joint? Every stall is taken, the janitor refuses to clean the floor faster than a glacial pace, or theres a homeless guy taking a nap in the most inconvenient spot possible. Forrest all along the side of the highway? There’s just so happens to be a massive traffic jam where you can’t even begin to stomach the public shame of being seen running for the forest cradling your crotch in front of all these strangers despite the abdominal agony. Out for the night at a bar? The second you make a move for the bathroom you are besieged by a long lost contact, usually a Facebook lurker, that deems it the perfect time to catch up on the meaningless occurrences in their life that have no bearing on you whatsoever. Like I said, the second you build “The Shaky Foundation” the universe will act like you spat in its eye and fuck with you relentlessly.

Stage 4: Transformation into Satan Incarnate- There are a lot of exceptionally angry people out there, like belligerent drunk bro daddy’s at a frat party who want to fight someone the minute they get some beer in them to compensate for their insecurity or every single cab drive in the city of New York. But I’d be hard pressed to find one more irrational or dangerous than a person on the verge of pissing themselves. It’s like the activating that human primal survival instinct but instead of fighting for their very survival, the person is simply trying to preserve their social standing and not be known as the person who pissed themselves that one time. So every good grace and semblance of civility has vanished in the search of one spot where they can relieve themselves in peace. This includes screaming obscenities at people trying to help you, throwing elbows into people impeding your path, or making vicious threats to anyone who would dare halt your search of whatever you happen to deem a bathroom.

The aformentioned past Sean, having past all of the stages listed here, found himself in the ass crack of rural New Hampshire, big line of traffic all trying to get to the lakes region in the summer time. I had convinced myself that I could be civil, that I would find a suitable bathroom and do my business peacefully. Well, I violently pulled into a small parking lot, burst through the doors of a diner, nearly braining a little kid trying to get a gumball. I am sweating balls, doing a miniature tap dance, begging my internal plumbing to hold together. The snide as shit waitress asks…
Bitch: “Can I help you sir?”
Me: “Yes please, I just need to use your bathroom.”
Bitch (smirks )“I’m sorry, paying customers only.”
Me: “Seriously, I really have to pee, I’ll buy something when I come out.”
Bitch (looks over my shoulder) “Table for..how many, ma’am?
At this point I lost it. I usually can hold my composure in public because I don’t enjoy making a scene. But in a very out of character moment, I went berserk. I’m sure I was the talk of that little town for quite some time afterwards, and I maintain that the rage instilled within me was entirely the fault of my bladder, which I’m convinced was rupturing, and a snarky female who enjoyed the small modicum of power she had over me. Paraphrasing since it was a while ago, but this is roughly the message I conveyed
Me: “If you do not let me use your bathroom in the next 10 seconds, I swear to god I will piss my pants right here in the middle of your restaurant. I don’t care, at this point it will be worth it to watch you have to get a mop and wipe up a puddle of my piss. So either you either let me use the bathroom or ruin everyone’s afternoon including yours because all they smelled during their lunch was urine.”

Suffice to say, it was very awkward after that. It was as silent as a funeral procession as I was begrudgingly handed the key to the men’s room. I used the facilities, washed my hands, handed the key back to the extremely agitated waitress, and left. I think she screamed something about me buying something, I don’t know, like hell I was going to help her out. For the record, I pissed all over that toilet seat, so I win.

The moral of the story is this. We are all in a permanent Stage 1 state. But due to the sensitive nature of the universe and how readily that uncomfortable “have to pee” sensation can cripple us, listen to that little voice and don’t build a shaky foundation. We all now know where it leads: to you angrily berating a waitress at a rural New Hampshire diner. You don’t want that.

Man Arrested and Beat for Suspected Drunk Driving was Only a Diabetic...Wins Huge Cash Settlement

HuffPo - A diabetic who was suffering from insulin shock when Nevada police officers mistook him for a drunk driver and physically assaulted him will receive a settlement of nearly $300,000. Adam Greene, 38, settled his lawsuit against the City of Henderson and the state of Nevada on Tuesday night. Per the terms of the settlement, Greene will receive $158,000 from the city and $35,000 from the state. Greene's wife will receive an additional $99,000 from the City of Henderson. The $292,500 payout settles a federal civil rights lawsuit Greene filed against Henderson police and the Nevada Highway Patrol. The suit accused the agencies of battery, assault and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Once Greene is subdued, an officer discovers a vial of insulin on him and announces Greene "could be a diabetic." Moments later, an offer can be heard talking on the radio to a police dispatcher. "He's a diabetic. He's probably in shock, semiconscious."

Fuck, right? Massachusetts and their "U Drink, U Drive, U Lose, electronic signs on the highway have got shit on Nevada's "You Booze, Our Entire Department Beats the Snot Out of You" campaign. That'll sober up the streets real quick, wouldn't have any more 10,11, 12 time DUI committing people anymore, that's for sure. Physically its just not possible, you just can't take more than 4 or 5 beatings like that.

And the guy wasn't even drunk? Just diabetic? Uhh maybe you wanna give the guy a breathalyzer first  next time...Not a good look guys.  And is this guy still on the force?

Because I'd say that's right about where things went south...When this honky-ass cop pulled an Andy Bernard (That Was an Overreaction) and attempted to boot in this guys window with comically miserable results...the window didn't budge, at all. If you thought this guy was coming in hot before that, guns a blazing for a suspected DUI, it was nothing from that point on. This poor Walter Brimley like driver was in for the Rodney King treatment from that second on...No one embarrasses a traffic cop with shatter proof glass and gets away with it, No One.

Mailman Fired for Doing Everyone A Favor and Throwing Out Junk Mail

MSNBC - A Lexington mail carrier is accused of throwing away mail in a dumpster and now he's out of a job. "Following a customer call we did discover that a former employee was disposing of mail improperly," said Susan Wright with USPS. The postal service says the carrier was caught in the act by customers. The pieces of mail that was thrown away were advertisements and no personal information was compromised. "I want to emphasize that all mail is important to the postal service and we protect the sanctity of all mail, at all times, and we take this situation very seriously, regardless of the items that are involved," she Wright. "With the economy the way it is, some people need those coupons, you know, there's great deals in them, they help out a lot," said customer Michelle Chenault.

Who on earth are these people that reported the mailman for throwing out junk mail for them? Now we're getting public servants fired for having the courtesy to do us a personal favor, that's what its come to? Who want's all that junk mail? And Susan Wright, can it with the "all mail is important," company line, you sound like Newman (Sorry guys, embedding disabled, apparently Jerry didn't make enough money on this show).

All mail isn't important. You know what happened recently in our building? Went down to get my mail one day and there was this frustrated letter from our mailman about people not cleaning out their mail boxes every day (because who has the time to make a 2 minute trip to the front door to pick up junk mail they'll surely be recycling 30 seconds after opening it), and threatened that mail delivery would stop if the boxes didn't have room, and we'd have to pick up our mail at the post office...Which if you know anything about me, is just not an option (here, here, and here). If I'm not going to walk the 40 or so paces it takes to get to our mail boxes, I'm sure as shit not driving down to that leper colony to pick up some bogus mail.

So what did we do? We set up a very special filing bin right below the mail boxes for the mailman to sort all of those goddamn coupon newspaper inserts into (it's recycling bin). Boom, no more issues. And you know, we're all a bit thankful for that. People that want the coupon inserts now have a veritable cornucopia of coupons as far as the eye can see, and people who don't want to be bothered about this weeks Stop n' Shop price on Honey Hams when they open their mailbox, don't have to contemplate cancelling the mail anymore. Win, Win.

NYC Bums and Loiterers Win $15 Million Settlement

HuffPo - New York City will dish out $15 million to the 22,000 people--many of whom were panhandlers-- arrested for loitering by the NYPD who used laws that were deemed unconstitutional decades ago. The class action settlement, according to The New York Times, came after a federal judge in 2010 found the city in contempt for "obstinance and uncooperativeness" for enforcing laws that "banned loitering to panhandle or to search for a sex partner, or while in a bus or train station." In order for people to collect on the settlement, in payouts ranging from $1,000 to $10,000, must file official claims--a task that may be beyond many of those homeless beggars arrested on the city's streets years ago. 

Are you freaking kidding me?  Free handouts, just for loitering? What the fuck. Here I am acting like an idiot, loitering in my own private home, or in my cube, or for years in a classroom so God forbid I'm not a child that gets left behind, and all this time, if I'd just been loitering around a 7-11 or Ray's Pizza in New York I'd be looking at a handsome cash settlement? Jesus H, I think I've been screwed. 

I loiter with the absolute best of them. Do you know what I did yesterday? My alarm went off at 8:00 AM, I reset the alarm for 9:00 and loitered, watching tv in bed, in a slightly vegetative state, from there I got up, got ready, then loitered some more on the internet for an hour or so before going to work. At work, more loitering, so much loitering and general nothingness that I had to take a walk around the building twice before lunch, just to get my blood flowing. Post lunch? More loitering, I read the rest of the non-sports related internet (for obvious, Patriots related reasons), my boss walked by once and I put a few piece of paper in front of me and furrowed my brow...hardest work I did all day. Got home, more loitering, put some sweats on, grabbed my "old man robe" (fiancee's words, not mine) and threw my feet up on the couch and watched my "stories" from 8-11:00 PM. Then I went to bed.  A whole, vegetative day of loitering with no promises of cash payouts, no TV lawyers like Dane Shulman, "getting me what's rightfully mine, and that's that." Kind of feels like a gigantic waste on my part.

And I know some of you are probably arguing, but CW, $1,000-10,000 isn't really that much.  Well yea, to you and me it isn't, because we have bills and rent. But full time loiterers? That's like hitting the lotto. These guys have ZERO overhead. No rent, no grocery shopping, as far as I know they don't pay income taxes or FICA, that 10k is all profit. As far as the street goes, that's retirement money. Probably enough to go catch a bus at Grand Central straight to Tampa Bay or some other southern city for a lifetime of easy street living. Meanwhile I'm still here grinding it out on my somewhat lazy, yet educated and employed ass, like an absolute sucker.

I Gotta Believe this Elephant Spent Time in Prison

Granted I only know of this jail eating defense mechanism from popular tv shows, and ground breaking documentary's like Boyz in the Hood and characters like Toothpick from Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, but that there is a prison elephant if I've ever seen one. 

And you my laugh at my limited, honky-like knowledge of prison and 'hood eating, but I'll have you know those movies served me well. I never lost a single dispute over a cinnamon roll, breakfast muffin, crescent roll, or the last piece of an Italian loaf in my life to my brother or sister. I went straight prison rules on them, scarf and hoard, scarf and hoard. 

Staten Island Mom Suing City for $900 Trillion...The Defense Rests

HuffPo- A Staten Island mother is suing the city for a staggering $900 trillion for allegedly wrongfully placing her two sons in foster care and claiming she was mentally unstable. 46-year old Fausat Ogunbayo, who is representing herself, says the Administration for Children's Services's decision to place her children in foster care infringed upon her civil rights and ultimately inflicted "over three years of terror, horror, grievous harm, time lost, substantial economic hardship and injuries." The children, then 12 and 10-years old, have been out of their mother's custody since June 2008. In court papers, the ACS references several peculiar incidents where Ogunbayo sought out medical treatment because she believed her children's skin color was becoming darker due to radiation. In a separate episode, the mother allegedly told school officials the FBI was after the boys. While the city is contending Ogunbayo suffered from such hallucinations and in addition was an absent mother , a separate legal case last month ruled in favor of Ogunbayo with the court stating no substantial evidence indicating the children were ever in "imminent danger" while in their mother's care.

Does the City even need a lawyer on this one? The DA doesn't even have to show up, right? You just let the plaintiff make her opening statement, ask for her $900 trillion and then have some intern stand up and be like, "your honor, we think the plaintiff's statement and demands make our case for us, the defense rests." 

That's all it takes, right? I just feel like when you show up to court asking for $900 trillion you're kinda of just telling the judge that you are in fact crazy and out of touch with reality. 

That's not even a real number, is it? Does the world as a whole have that much money? If you're this woman you at least have to do a little research, I mean, you live in New York, you couldn't swing by the Debt Clock (Below) and just use that as a ball-park figure for your demands? 

Unless of course this is just a negotiating ploy, start out real high and make them meet you somewhere in the middle...maybe that's it. This broad might be craftier than I thought.

Kris Humphries Looks Televise Kim Kardashian Divorce...Obviously.

(NewsCore) - Kim Kardashian's estranged husband, Kris Humphries, wants to televise his divorce trial in a bid to expose the truth behind reality TV, TMZ reported Tuesday. The NBA star and his lawyer Lee Hutton want to prove in court that Kardashian had no intention of staying married and just wanted to boost ratings for her reality show "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

People aren't falling for this, right? Like, I'm 100% on team Kris, but even I'm calling bullshit on this one. 

""The NBA Star and his lawyer want to prove in court that Kardashian had no intention of staying married and just wanted to boost ratings for her reality show..."

No freaking shit. Like Kris didn't know this, he remembers that the only reason he even met her was because the producers of Kim's show reached out to the Knicks about a possible husband for Kim K, right? And that he wasn't even the first choice, she wanted his teammate as her fake husband first, but he had other obligations, and oh yea, self respect.

Save it Kris...just come out and admit that you want this on TV so you can profit from it, we'll be cool with it, honestly...we all get that you wouldn't have gotten into this whole thing if it weren't for money, we're ok with it.