I've Given Up on Social Norms and Accepted the Life of a Curmudgeon

I'll take the next one

Some old curmudgeon I saw waiting for the elevator at work yesterday has seriously got me thinking. He provoked the widest range of feelings towards a stranger that I think I’ve ever experienced, all in the course of an elevator ride.

I should explain. I arrived at work, like most mornings, freshly caffeinated, meaning I had about an hour-hour and half period of absolute thought clarity, then its all mush from there. I’m not kidding, my bosses know it, and my employees know it. If you need me to do something of any import, and it has to be done that day, you need to ask me promptly when I get in, and hope that A) I don’t have other things already planned to get done, and B) I’m not deep in some philosophical thought cycle that started on the ride to work, or in the case of y yesterday, on the ride up the elevator.

So I arrived at the elevator bank with a clear mind, and saw the aforementioned old curmudgeon. I describe him as this, because he had white hair and old man shoes (Rockport’s), and also, because he was clearly perturbed that I’d decided to join him in waiting for the elevator. Gave a short roll of the eyes and the slightest shake of the head…Blatant ageism if you ask me. What, because I don’t suffer from the symptoms of ED I should be expected to walk a few flights of stairs to work? Bullshit.

So I was a bit miffed. What the fuck old man? How big of an asshole could this guy be? Did he have big plans for the elevator once it got there? Going to break out some personal phone conversation for the 30 second ride discussing his bucket list and living will? I was really ticked off…it’s not like I’d broken protocol and snuck into an elevator at the last second, we were just waiting there in the lobby for the next available one.

Then we got on the elevator, his grumpy demeanor did not change, but a thought occurred to me; that’s Me. That old man, presumably beaten down from years of working at some job that he never liked but paid well enough, is me. I think I’ll probably react the same way he did some day. Hell, I think I’m already there, I already rush into the elevator and smash the close doors button as rapidly as I can, like I’m trying to pull off a finishing move in Mortal Kombat. For whatever reason I crave that 30 second ride of privacy, in that one moment each day, the thought of sharing a 5x4 metal cube with some complete stranger seems like absolute torture.

The problem is I never know where to look; do I look down at my feet like some kind of simpleton? Do I pull out my phone and pretend to be looking at important things (yes), stare straight ahead like an asshole pretending you don’t even exist (sometimes)? I know the polite thing to do would be to make some quick eye contact, and perhaps a nod of the head, I know this. But I’m not going to do it. In my mind that’ll lead to this person thinking we’re elevator buddies, it’ll escalate to us having to say hi, and then after a couple of weeks just saying “hi” will seem short, so we’ll both start having bullshit one line conversations about the weather or “how it’s going” (standard response at my office: “I’m still here, right?” It’s really sad). Next thing you know they’re showing me pictures of their niece or something, and Facebook friending me, writing “happy birthday” on my wall once a year, compelling me to have to do the same, less I break the bonds of our society’s social norms.

And I think there in-lies the problem. I hate a good deal of the social norms when it comes to the office. I work with about 700 people. It’s impractical and an inefficient use of time for me to attempt to befriend or be cordial to all of them. If I don’t know you, don’t want to know you, or can’t potentially see myself needing you for something in the future, why do I have to do the whole niceties thing with you? Can’t we both just walk past each other in the hallway like two strangers would on the sidewalk in the city? Because we’re confined to the same building we have to act like someday we’ll be BFF’s? Take the token head nod and “hey how’s it going” which is always met with the same, illogical response of, “hey what’s up?” I say illogical, because if someone asks you how it’s going, the logical answer would be to tell them how it’s going, but we don’t. We answer the question with a slight variation of the same question. In no way does this make sense, but we all accept it. And we accept it because, frankly, we don’t give a shit how it’s going. We’re just asking because social norms tell us it’s the polite, human thing to do, even if it makes no sense and we genuinely don’t care what the answer is. It would be refreshing to see some complete stranger catch someone off guard and be like “oh, horrible, I just had an abortion this weekend, I was only in the first trimester so I didn’t think I’d have this strong of an emotional reaction, but I’m an absolute wreck right now, thank you for asking. How’s everything with you.” Not only would I pay to see that happen for comedic purposes, but I think if a few people answered the “how’s it going” question honestly once in a while, it might spark a change in society. No one wants to know the details of a stranger or loose acquaintance's life, yet we continue to ask on a regular basis. I think actually getting the answers would shock some people and stop this practice, which would benefit me greatly.

For one thing, I’d no longer feel like a social pariah when I borderline snub someone that I don’t really know. I won’t full out completely ignore someone if they initiate communication, if someone says hello as we pass by it’s not like I turn my head the other way. I have a go-to move in those situations, a simple nod of the head down ward, and I mouth the word “hey.” Note that I said mouth…I don’t actually say it; I just move my lips in the same manner that you would if you were to actually say “hey” (I’m completely serious). I will snub you if you don’t initiate the pleasantries. I’ll never be the first to exchange a greeting or salutation with some complete stranger walking through the halls, if you’re not going to make the effort, then I’m not going to make the effort, which actually makes me happy.

Which gets me back to the guy on the elevator, as I was realizing that this was the future me (I actually age pretty well apparently, aside from the Rockport shoes, I’ll never wear a pair of Rockport’s), I began to like the guy, until I realized how illogical that was in itself…If I like the guy, a complete stranger, then he’s no longer future me, because there is no way in hell that future me, the old curmudgeon with Rockport’s, would come to like a complete stranger during a short elevator ride. No, I can’t possibly like the guy (and if I’m being honest, what’s to like? It’s not like we had anything in common, he’s old. What would we talk about? Metamucil and shoes that provide good support? AARP benefits?), it just wouldn’t make sense.

If anything what I felt was a begrudging sense of respect for the way this guy goes about life. This might seem odd if you just read this entire, multiple page, ode to being anti-social. But, if you feel that way, then you genuinely missed the point of this entry, because I’m not anti-social. I have a tight nit group of friends, and if I know you, and feel comfortable around you, it’s about all you can do to get me to shut up. I have an opinion on anything and everything, I enjoy debating, and if you get a few drinks in me, look out, I’ll ramble on about everything from the intricacies of Mario Kart, to the meaning of life. So what I’m advocating here today is not anti-social tendencies, and cutting yourself off from others. I’m just pleading for all the nonsense of forcing myself to be social towards people who I have no real desire to get to know, and won’t possibly need later in life, that’s all. If that makes me and that old man in the elevator, asses, it makes us asses.

And that’s all I’ve really got to say about that.

New Hampshire Restaurant Bans Politicians...Ladies and Gentelman, the GOP

(NewsCore) - As Republican presidential candidates scurry around the state campaigning for support at business after business, one local restaurant is hoping not to get involved in the hype leading up to the state's Jan. 10 primary. "No Politicians No Exceptions" reads the sign taped to the entrance of Colby's Breakfast & Lunch, a popular eatery in Portsmouth, N.H. Employee Jessica Labrie, who made the sign and taped it on the outer door of the restaurant, said she posted it Tuesday in response to several complaints from customers. "They make a big deal when they came in here," she said. "You can watch all this stuff on the news, but when you're here eating breakfast, you don't want to hear it." The most recent candidate visit came Monday when Roemer, a fringe candidate, stopped by. Labrie said Roemer popped in unexpectedly and announced who he was to the entire restaurant. "It disrupted people's conversations who were having breakfast," she said.

Pretty much sums up the GOP candidates, no? This isn't a pro-Democrat, or pro-Obama post either, just a mere commentary on the fact that a small diner in New Hampshire and its customers are actively choosing to avoid small talk with someone who could be the next POTUS, instead opting to focus on their Hungry Man breakfast and hunting chit-chat (I'm assuming, its New Hampshire). 

How big of an ego blow is that? "Hey guys, we know you're potentially about to become the most powerful man in the world, but we're talking about breakfast, it's the most important meal of the day, ya know." Sad thing is, I really, really want to like one of these candidates, I'd love a competitive race against Obama, but none of these guys are going to give it to him. If you can't win over the owner of a diner and a few regulars, you stand no chance in a general election. I'm pretty sure we covered that in Poli-Sci 101 my freshmen year.

Woman's Bungee Cord Snaps, Plunges into Crocodile Infested Waters

Love how the narrator right away stresses the fact that she was plummeting into "Crocodile infested waters" as if that's the problem here. Dude! She just fell 365 feet off a bridge...I'd say that's more of a concern.

Anyway, this is one of those situations where I'm pretty sure I'd just have died. My will to live is only so much, and I'm pretty sure that point is somewhere well before plummeting 365 feet into icy, crocodile infested waters, with my feet tied together, and a gigantic rope getting stuck to rocks and pulling me under water. In fact I'm guessing the 365 foot fall on its own would have done it, soon as I felt myself free-falling I'd have probably been like "welp, that's it I guess, it was a pretty good run." Even if I somehow survived the fall I'd probably be more likely to bait the croc's than to swim away from them. It's just too much effort. Plus then you've got to live with being afraid of jumping off bridges and crocodiles the rest of your life...I don't need that kind of trauma.

Scientists Make Discovery About Dark Matter That Won't Matter One Bit

Fox News - Astronomers have created a vast cosmic map revealing an intricate web of dark matter and galaxies spanning a distance of one billion light-years. This unprecedented task was achieved not by observing dark matter directly, but by observing its gravitational effects on ancient light traveling from galaxies that existed when the Universe was half the age it is now. Constructed by astronomers from the University of British Columbia and University of Edinburgh, this is the largest dark matter map ever built and took five years to complete.

I can say this pretty definitively, if the world was made up more people like me, we wouldn't have gone anywhere, just been stuck right back in medieval ages I'm guessing. I just don't think like this, I don't give a shit about the great beyond. Hearing that these guy just spent 5 years mapping some dark matter a billion light years away in space just seems like such a waste of time. Do you realize what guys (maybe a girl or two?) this smart could have done in 5 years if they weren't busy trying to track down Captain Picard and Jaba the Hut? We'd probably have an alternative to oil and flying cars...and those really cool metallic jumpsuits with the V in the middle that we're all supposed to be wearing in the future. Instead I'm still pumping nearly $4 gas, my car is sadly land bound, and I'm forced to shop at places like, The Gap and Kohls, instead of having one, pre-planned, homogenized outfit.

But I'm getting off topic now. None of this is to really take away from what these guys have accomplished, sure I can't understand it, and yea it probably won't affect my life, or my grandchildren's lives in any way, shape or form, but still they're really smart and figured something out that I guess is important to their little circle of friends, so kudos for that. It's just that I've never been curious about things that don't affect me, or I feel I won't be able to put to use.

I've never woken up wondering what all the matter in the universe was made up of, quarks, god particles, and string theory. Doesn't cross my mind in the least. My daily break down of wonderments and thoughts is something like this; Alarm Goes Off - What time is it? I wonder if I should call out of work? Do I have any blog material planned? I wonder if the milk in my coffee is expired or not? What's going on in the news? Oh (that's my reaction to the news, if you're wondering). What are today's lunch options? What are today's snack options? What's going on this weekend? What am I having for dinner? When's the last time I took a shit? Is Revenge on tonight? What's tonight's prime time tv lineup? Wonder how the internet's doing today? What time do I have to get up tomorrow?

That's about it. My standard day of curiosity. I read and absord a lot of news along the way, but I really just skim, just a headline deep kind of person. I'm curious to a point, and that point is knowing something well enough to sound smart, and maybe talk down to a few people on a specific subject, but nothing more. I'm not going to waste my time mastering a subject or anything, I just don't see the need. I'm just more of a mile wide, inch deep guy when it comes to knowledge (as opposed to an inch wide, mile deep, get it?). Basically I'm everything that's wrong with the internet generation, I don't really care about anything, but at the same time I care about knowing about everything. And I'm more likely to spend 30-45 minutes perusing the comments section of some Love Letters column on Boston.com or stalking rando's I've seen in the news on Facebook so that I can get a feel for their personal lives (sadly serious) than reading an entire article on a new discovery of dark matter or our country's debt-to-GDP issue. (I only read the first few paragraphs of the column that started this diatribe).

Tying it all in, and back to my original point, if the world was made up of strictly of people with my line of thought, I think it's fair to say we'd be stuck somewhere between the stone ages and medieval times. I think I'd be curious enough to discover and maintain the knowledge of fire and the wheel (for warmth and convenience, my laziness would definitely have brought about the development of the wheel), I'd probably also figure out couches too, since they're easily my favorite furniture invention of all time. But I don't think we'd have much else. Our dwellings would definately be stone castles and huts, no insulation or anything, and certainly no microwaves. I can't imagine in-door plumbing would exist, or electricity either. Basically I think we, as a society, would more or less be like the characters in the below scene of Monty Python's Holy Grail. An autonomous collective, just toiling away mindlessly, and arguing on senselessly to kill time. It wouldn't be so bad.

Boomerang Pizza...You've Just Gotta Watch

Live Leak - "Throwing food is an innovative, made with cheese, peppers and sausage, Goodbye to the pizza Dille round and spend the good vibes ... Boomerang's Pizza! It has character and a lot of ingredients, and always returns spears al dente ... Boomerang's Pizza!

- Still better than Papa Johns, even with the pube parsely and fresh sausage taste...Maybe that's unfair, I've never actually had Papa Johns, but that's not exactly my fault.  Twice in college I ordered from Papa Johns, and twice Papa John never showed up. Called back the second time they told me I was getting a free credit for my next order. Fat fucking chance. I never called them again, and never will...to this day, I'll flat out leave your house if you propose ordering the Papa's. Some business model they've got there. Free pizza with every order they don't deliver. I'll take the Boomerang every day (I hold serious grudges).

PS: Yes We're Back! Most of last week was a blur at the real job, but Verizon not knowing what was wrong with my internet service from Friday-Monday night also didn't help.

Dr. Jack's Return: What happened in 2011, what to look forward to in 2012

Well hello. Did you miss me?

That’s right, as we enter 2012 I would have felt guilty if I didn’t share my favorite TV shows/moments from Fall 2011, as well as what I’m most looking forward to in 2012.

Let’s just review the past quickly and give you some highlights from the Fall of 2011

Best New Show

“Homeland” / “New Girl” – I’m not even a big Zooey D fan, I just can’t get enough of Schmidt. And “Homeland” might be the show of the year even though I’m not crazy about where Season 2 is heading.

Biggest Drop Off

“Community” / “Boardwalk Empire” – With “Community, I just haven’t found it very funny this year and the parallel universe episode was probably the most overrated thing from TV this fall. As for “Boardwalk”, call me crazy but I’m just not that into incest. (Spoiler alert: I also felt like the “Boardwalk” writers turned Nucky into Walter White and Jimmy into Ned Stark in the finale)

Development We All Saw Coming

“The Office” struggling without Steve Carell – The show was struggling before Carell left, but aside from the Garden Party episode that CW and I loved, this season has continued the show’s downward spiral.

Good Show That’s Begun To Suck

“How I Met Your Mother” – Ted’s a douchebag who I no longer find a reason to root for and the writers are kidding themselves if they think Barney/Robin are the new Ross/Rachel, or even Jim/Pam.

CBS Show I Watched, Enjoyed, Then Just Stopped Watching For No Real Reason

“Persons of Interest” – Yep, that pretty much summed it up.

Finale That Almost Made Me Cry Tears of Sadness and Fear at the Same Time

“Walking Dead” – Bravo, I did not see that coming. I still have reservations about the show’s ability to last long term, but still, phenomenal ending.

Show I Discovered Over the Summer and am Now Obsessed With

“Happy Endings” – It’s getting a lot of buzz along these lines, so I don’t feel the need to say too much more. But I will add it’s really nice to Elisha Cuthbert having some success after “The Girl Next Door”, that movie is awesome.

Show I Pretend Not to Watch While My Wife Watches It, But Really I’m All Over It

“Revenge” – They framed her father!!!!

Show That Delivered a Comeback Season Even Though It Wasn’t In Trouble

“It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” – The episode where they were locked inside the house was one of my all-time favorites. I’d also say, while it was hysterical to see, I think the episodes would have been just as good even if Mac didn’t get fat.

Show I’m Sad To Say Goodbye To

“Chuck” – I know no one watches this show. I’ve spent countless time trying to convince my friends and family to, but no one gave in. So now the show that somehow lucked its way into five seasons is enjoying its final run. I can’t say this season’s been great, but I will still be sad to see it go.

And now on to the shows I’m most looking forward to in early 2012

“30 Rock”

Thursday, January 12^th, 8pm (NBC)

It had one hell of a comeback year last year and I didn’t realize how much I missed it until I caught a repeat on Comedy Central last month. I’m not happy “Community” is off the schedule (despite my earlier criticism), but this show taking its timeslot makes it a lot easier to handle.

“Justified”

Tuesday, January, 17^th, 10pm (FX)

Season 1 didn’t really get going until the end, but Season 2 was amazing all the way through. I’m really hoping Season 3 continues the momentum and with upcoming guest starts like Carla Gugino and Bubba from “Forrest Gump” you really can’t bet against this show.

“Archer”

Thursday, January 19^th, 10pm (FX)

For all the geek-love the Adult Swim shows get, this is my choice for the #1 non-network comedy. (#1 comedy overall would be NBC’s “Parks and Recreation”) The mini-series it had in the fall was hilarious and I really need more jokes in my life about lacrosse camps.

“Game of Thrones”

April (HBO)

I love this show almost as much as Ben Wyatt does. I want it back bad. I’m a little worried the dragon storyline might make it a little “fantastical” (is that a word?), but I’m ready and willing to be proved wrong.

“Mad Men”

TBD (AMC)

This show’s been off the air so long I don’t even remember what it’s about. I just remember there’s a buxom red head and that’s something to get excited for!

Conan O'Brien: Giant Ginger Internet Bully

That's right, I said it. I'm legitimately pissed at you Conan. 

Go back and look at my "multi-denominational holiday post." Ruined. By that gigantic Ruiner, Conan O'brien, and his internet goon squad. Really guys? A holiday post, with a couple of one minute clips from your show, on a blog that the smallest fraction of the internet reads, frankly, is too much of a threat to you? Copyright infringement? Scared those two videos are going to allow me to launch a competing variety/late night talk show on TNT or something? 

Where's your holiday spirit Conan? I doubt that jolly Andy Richter character would approve of this move. I thought you were better than this...Remember when you were all depressed and you thought your life was over because NBC canned your ass (except by canned I mean paid $32.5 million to just walk away and start your own show elsewhere), and the good people of the internet, via twitter, and other various websites gave you hope and supported you, while you lived the life of luxury with no responsibilities and a boatload of cash (essentially allowing you to live my dream where you just have nothing to do and no one to answer to)? Do you remember that?

And this is how you pay the internet back? By pulling copyright infringement crap on some lowly blog (it stings to say that) who appreciated two of your recent bits so much he wanted everyone to get in on the laughs? I mean, I know I only have a small following, but from some of the news I've read, your show could use any bump in ratings you can get, is stopping the spread of your material via the web really the way to increase the visibility of your shows humor? 

Stop being a dickhead Conan. Give those videos back. Embrace the internet, embrace the few fans you have that actually watch the show on television, and then talk you up to their friends and their miniscule blog following. But mostly, just stop feeding in to the Evil Ginger stereotype.

By the way, here's the video, just to spite you.

Know What Song Gets Me Through The Really Tough Days at Work?

That's right, goddamned Toto and the blessed rains of Africa. I can't explain it, just brings me to a much more mellow  place. I'll just be sitting there doing copious amounts of busy work, singing the same few lines over and over in my head, puts me in a trance. Doesn't matter that I don't even know the actual words, I assume I've got the lines down but I've never really stopped to listen to make sure. Just sitting there, happily singing it to myself (sometimes out loud, but under my breath), maybe with the right lyrics, maybe not, but definitely a lot calmer than I would be if I weren't singing anything in my head at all.

Yikes...I honest to God just looked up the lyrics...I was WAYYYY off. Not because I can't hear or anything, now that I'm listening back I can hear, just never paid much attention I guess and inserted the words I thought fit nicely, and frankly, the real song doesn't even make sense to me...

For instance, the real lyric is: "Gonna take some time to do the things we never have." My lyric: "Gonna appreciate all the things that we had"

Like why is he blessing the rains in Africa? This whole time I thought it was about some underpriveledged kid in Africa, one of those "for the cost of a cup of coffee a day" kids, and the singer was blessing the rains to give him a better life and appreciate the things he never had...Turns out that's not the case, at all. Just something about this guys long distance girlfriend flying in and they're going to do some stuff they've never done before (anal?). 

Ruined the whole song for me. Here I am thinking its a lovely tale of caring and humanity, turns out its just some horny long distance romance couple, and a singer who just liked the sound of the phrase "bless the rains down in Africa." Now I've got to find a whole new song to soothe me.

Meanwhile in New Hampshire...

My Fox - A new year brings some interesting new proposals in the Granite State. Among them: the perfume bill, which would ban state employees who interact with the public from wearing any scents. Another state rep is pushing for a vegetarian diet for state prisoners, students to stand during the pledge of allegiance and jurors to be paid $80 a day. And another representative wants to give people with vegetable gardens a $75 property tax cut.

Vegan Prisoners, Bodily Odored Politicians, and rich-ass jurors, welcome to the Granite State. Way to tackle the tough issues guys, like figuring out how to fund your public schools, or closing that budget deficit for 2012...Tossing out tax cuts for Rabbit the Carrot farmer from Winnie the Pooh should do the trick.  Or how about adding that extra lane to I-93 that you've been working on for a legitimate 10 year period at this point? It's one lane fellas, get your shit together. There's no excuse for why a major highway drops down to TWO lanes when it hits your border. None. All the pledge of allegiances and malnourished prisoners in the land aren't going to tackle that issue for you.