Alt-Tabs

Didn't think I'd let you go a whole week without a new addition of Alt-Tabs did you?

Man Wins Right to Give Cops Middle Finger - An Oregon man has settled a federal lawsuit over what he says was his First Amendment right to express himself by giving the finger to sheriff's deputies...In his lawsuit, Ekas said that in July 2007, he flipped off a Clackamas County deputy while driving, and the deputy gave him tickets for illegal lane change and improper display of license plates.  Ekas was acquitted on the citations. A month later, he gave the finger to another deputy, who detained him but wrote no tickets.

Finally someone stands up to these corrupt assholes.  Too many of us have been victimized (yours truly included) for flipping off these punks (I was coming back from a concert, some asshole was tail gating me on an otherwise empty highway, I turned on my cars interior light and flipped him off so he could see, he turned on his lights and rode me to the shoulder  and then sped off, needless to say I was furious).  Most of these guys, especially the young ones, are assholes like the ones pictured above, jerk offs from high school who had to find a profession that allowed them to continue to be jerk offs. 

Teachers Warned Not To "Friend" Students - In the hazy realm of cyberspace, one school district is drawing a sharp line: Virtual friendships between teachers and their students are a bad idea. Worried about the potential risks of online interactions, the school board in Norton last week urged teachers not to become friends with their students on Facebook and other social media sites and advised them to avoid friendships with former students as well.

Bad move in an economic recession. This is sure to cut employment for defense attorneys specializing in Teacher-Student affairs in half.  We need to focus on cultivating jobs, not destroying entire industries.  If anything "Friending" should be encouraged.

Facebook Knows When You'll Break Up - Worried about when you might get dumped? Facebook knows.

That's according to a graphic making the rounds online that uses Facebook status updates to chart what time of year people are splitting up...They found two big spikes on the calendar for breakups. The first was after Valentine's Day -- that holiday has a way of defining relationships, for better or worse -- and in the weeks leading up to spring break. Maybe spring fever makes people restless, or maybe college students just don't want to be tied down when they're partying in Cancun.

The chart looks real scientific and all, but Facebook could provide an even more accurate measure.  Just track how often someone's significant other is creeping on members of the opposite sex? Just seems obvious.

Mom In Spain Happy Her 10 Year Old Daughter Gave Birth - MADRID -- A Romanian Gypsy woman whose 10-year-old daughter just gave birth in Spain says she's delighted to have a new granddaughter and doesn't understand why the birth has shocked anyone -- let alone become an international sensation...But in comments published Wednesday, her mother told reporters the baby's father is a 13-year-old boy who is still in Romania and is no longer going out with her daughter.

What is everyone so upset about? They're Gypsies.  I just thought it was commonly accepted that gypsies were allowed to live by their own set of rules, sort of like the lost amazonian tribes in Brazil.  Love the maturity shown by the 13 year old though, ran off as soon as the girl was knocked up.  I have a feeling we'll be seeing these two on a paternity show on Maury real soon.

That's all for this week.  I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day off.  My mind feels lazy right now and the blogs are going to start suffering as a result.  As usual feel free to tell a friend or two this weekend.

I Knew These Miners Were Full of Shit

I try to avoid throwing up multiple videos in one day, but I stumbled upon this and what was I supposed to do, not post it?

Look as most of you know I've been keeping a very close eye on these Chilean Miners ever since their purported "rescue."  Well I'll be filing this little bit of evidence in the "Full of Shit File."  My alerts are already raised any time these guys are seen in public (I believe they staged this whole thing to reap the benefits of the fame and fortune that come with a world wide televised rescue from certain death) so you can imagine my interest when I found out one of them was on Letterman recently.  Everything seem to be go according to script until the 4 minute mark.  After conducting the entire interview with a translator this guy breaks character and sings Elvis in perfect English, body gyrations and everything.  If I didn't know any better I'd swear this guy wasn't even Chilean, probably grew up in Tennessee working as an Elvis impersonator for theme parks and old ladies at nursing homes.  

I'm now more sure than ever that these guys pulled one over on the world, I'm not even mad, its brilliant, but I still have one question. How did they get the Chilean government to go along with this? What is in it for them? They're still leading a poor underdeveloped country, as far as I know this isn't raising tourism (though I think one week trips to live in that hole, if the hole really exists, would be an awesome adventure tourism draw), and they're not on the receiving end of any more national aid than before.  What gives? I just want to know what they're getting out of this.  Would someone please tell me?

Has anyone ever told you that you sound just like Whitney Houston?

Don't worry too much about your voice, you're not going to have the looks to become a famous singer anyway. The best part for me was when you covered the camera up so we didn't have to see your jowels struggle to hit the notes. 

Best you can hope for is the National Anthem at a high school homecoming game, and even that would be partially due to pity because I'm assuming you take the special bus for that mean case of tourettes you're developing.  You'll will presumably have a long career on the church choir though, so you've got that to look forward to.

New Comments Section

Crisis averted.  I don't want to say the old comment section sucked, but it sucked.  A new system was uploaded today (new posts only, old ones are still stuck with the shitty default option) that should allow anyone to post, using any name they'd like, without registering or logging in.

A part of me is a bit nervous about this new development.  Before when I looked and saw that only 3 or 4 comments were posting a week despite the 75 or so views a day I could blame it on the set up.  No more, its all on me now, if no one's posting I'm just going to take it as a personal insult.  It also opens up the floodgates to those of you who may have previously wanted to mock or criticize me.  So there ya go, give it a shot. 

If anyone runs into any issues please send me an e-mail to let me know, my HTML skills are worth dick so there's a good chance there may be a bug or two at first.

Indoor Soccer Week 1

Most of you won't care about this blog, tough shit. I'm going to give a weekly update after each game.  I entertain all of you for free each and every day, you can suffer through one soccer post per week.

Week 1 of the indoor soccer season started last night and ended in exciting, yet ultimately disappointing fashion.  

The final result was a 10-10 tie (this is the disappointing portion).  As a competitive adult I have a huge problem with anything that is allowed to end in a tie.  While we all understand the league is for fun, leaving the game as a tie is a very bitter tasting result.  We're adults, we're not children playing tee-ball where they don't keep score.  I think we can handle winning and losing and still understand that its all in fun.  I fail to see the harm playing out an additional five minutes would have caused.  We played for 60 minutes and scored 20 combined goals, that's a goal every three minutes, its not like it would have taken long (that's what she said). Ok, enough with the negatives.

The exciting part came when our team miraculously scored the game tying goal with mere seconds remaining on a great assist from our goalie, The Huz.  Aside from the tying assist, The Huz gets this weeks game ball for two additional reasons.  First, his nickname is The Huz, I've typed it three times already and am still trying to think of more ways I could mention it.  I'm a huge fan of nicknames that begin with "The" so there was a good chance he was getting the game ball even if he had completely sucked (he didn't).  Secondly, two deserving candidates were disqualified for scoring own goals, fortunately for those two (who will remain nameless as not to bring shame to their families) the own goals will not result in the same fate as poor Andres Escobar (pictured above), this week anyway.

PS: Our team is still searching for a suitable name (The Alt Tabs was offered, however I've been told that corporate sponsorship usually comes with corporate funding, which we here at The Alt-Tabs do not have).  Currently we're recognized by our default name B-8 or our jersey color (yellow/gold).  Please leave a comment with possible team names and I'll submit it to the team for consideration.  That's right, one of you could be lucky enough to name our indoor soccer team (no cash, reward, or any other form of prize included, just the self satisfaction of bringing joy to a B-league adult co-ed indoor soccer team. If that's not enough for you then you should probably take a real long look at yourself in the mirror and evaluate what your life has become).  

RIP Sparky Anderson

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. -- Hall of Fame manager Sparky Anderson has died, his family announced Wednesday. He was 76. Anderson, who managed the Cincinnati Reds and Detroit Tigers to World Series titles, died as a result of complications from dementia, family spokesman Dan Ewald said in a statement.

Look, this is a truly sad day for baseball and that's to be respected. But can we talk about how Sparky was only 76 years old?  Come on, he's got to be lying right?  Probably got his birth certificate in the same dark back room that all the Dominicans get their false papers?  Check out this baseball card of Ol' Sparky, ITS FROM 1981!  Am I really expected to believe that he was only 47 years old in that picture? Really?   The guy retired for good in 1995, I assumed back then it was to go be with his family before he passed away. I've heard of people aging because of hard living but this is just too much.  The guy would have had to be drinking, dipping, chain smoking, and dabbling in hookers every day since puberty to look like that at 47 years old.  I'm just shocked. Shocked and disbelieving. 

If I knew he was still alive all these years I'd have assumed he was pushing some kind of world record.  So I'll give the family a few days to grieve but after that I'm going to push for a full investigation, there is no way he was a day under 114. 

TSA Prank

Philly.Com - A Transportation Security Administration worker who pretended to find drugs in a passenger's bag at Philadelphia International Airport in January had played the prank more than once and told one of his victims that "she would have to admit it was funny," according to TSA documents...The TSA officer was supposed to be checking equipment instead of passengers, the documents said, and the white substance he had with him was creatine powder, not cocaine. When he tried to trick his second victim, presumably Solomon, with the creatine, she did not take it well.

Now this is the kind of fun and games I was talking about yesterday.  Just good, clean, fun...until this Solomon character came along and ruined everything.  Only someone who actually had something to hide would be upset here because this is quite possibly the prank of the year so far.  I'd say there is a 50-50 shot that Rebecca Solomon actually is a drug mule.  The only mistake he made here was playing the prank on a chic.  A common rookie mistake, chic's just do not take practical jokes well.  Its a biological defect.

And yes, if it happened to me I'd probably shit a brick at first, I couldn't handle prison, they'd flip me before we even got back to the interrogation room.  I'd be giving up sources that don't even exist.  I'd give the names of everyone I knew who'd ever smoked a joint or purchased beer for minors, because make no mistake about it, I protect my ass first and foremost (literally).  But after they clue me in on the joke I'd be laughing it up with everyone else, I love and respect a good prank.  I'd probably join those overpaid security guards for a beer at Cheers or whatever overpriced bar was located in the terminal (I'd also make some calls and tell everyone I just sold out they should probably lay low for a while). 

Bottom line is this, if this guy got fired for being a riot then I've got a job for him over here at Alt-Tabs.  Weekly segment pulling real pranks on real unsuspecting people and recording.  Total compensation: $5 dollars a prank and all the company stock you want.  

Jealous?

Yeah I got two, who are you to judge?  Bottom line is I didn't make it over to McD's for opening day yesterday so I had to make up for that today or I would have never forgave myself.

I Can't Stop Laughing at this Commercial

Honestly, I don't even have a funny crack about this, I just can't stop laughing at this commercial each time I see this giant on his hands and knees in these tiny sets.  My question is, did they seriously construct miniature sets and cans of soup for this? Because if they did I'm flying out to LA for the day just to play around on the set.  Its a little known secret that I've always wanted to see what it would be like to be a giant ever since I first heard the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.  You can imagine how disappointed I am that I turned out to be exactly average in size by just about any measure. Today I'm going to rectify that.