Belly Button Lint Challenge

Foxnews.com - An Australian man has turned for what most of us is hygiene, into a world record.  Graham Barker holds the Guinness World Record for his‘belly button fluff’ collection after saving 22.1gm of lint every day for 26 years, Metro.co.uk reported.  The 45-year-old 'harvests' the lint as part of his nightly routine, and has now filled more than three jars of the material.  Barker, who told the paper he is "not obsessive," collected his first piece of fluff during a backpacking trip in 1984...The librarian vows to continue amassing the lint until he is no longer capable, and is even considering stuffing a cushion with his collection.

Challenge accepted!  Less than 4 jars in over 26 years of collecting?  Seems a bit on the low side to me, sounds like someones been slacking on their collections because I'm pretty sure I produce at least a jar a year of this stuff.  There's been days I've pulled out nugget sized fluff and just marveled at it, but ultimately threw it out...because that's the sane thing to do.  I didn't realize these somewhat disgusting naval deposits could lead to fame.  This guy thinks he's got it made in the shade, setting a record and getting all the fame and glory that comes with such an accomplishment, all the while concealing the fact that he has no challengers to his throne.  Well not after today, I'm coming for him and I'm coming strong, better step your game up Graham (yes that's his actual blog which I stumbled upon while searching for the above picture of his actual lint.)

And before I forget, stuffing a cushion?  That shit is disgusting.  Show some class, you're a famous world record holder, I'm sure you can afford some decent upholstery on the royalties Guinness is shelling out.  And if you thought women recoiled in horror at the site of your lint in jars, try telling them the couch they're sitting on while you're trying to round second base is stuffed with your man fluff.  That's a surefire way to end up harvesting your belly button crop by yourself for the 27th straight year.

Jersey Shore Rant

From a pop-culture phenomenon stand point its time to collectively agree that Jersey Shore has jumped the shark.  Is it still an interesting and somewhat funny show to watch? Sure.  But enough with everyone quoting and imitating these degenerates in public.

If you're with a group of your friends at home or some other private event, and you can do a good impression, its still  mildly funny.  At a bar/club/party with strangers/public sidewalk between 11pm and 2 am yelling things like "we got a situation", "Teeee Shirt Timmmeee", "Cabs Ah Heah", or "Champagne Yea", you're going to look like an idiot and be treated like the social retard that you are.  It's not that funny.  In fact its not funny at all.  You've decided your actual personality is boring and sucks to the point that you'd be better off quoting one liners from reality tv. Congrats.

And girls, you don't get off rant free either.  If you're short, brunette, and annoying as hell, it doesn't make you Snooki, or Snooki's twin, or Snooki's bastard step-sister. Why would you even welcome this comparison? A midget, pear shaped, no chin, pudgy cheeked girl with horrendous hair.  She hardly looks human.  So please, stop comparing yourself to her on Facebook, stop elevating your poof's to disturbing heights, and stop whining in a high pitched voice in public. Its enough to make someone snap. 

Oh, and good luck to everyone going out for Halloween who agrees with this rant.  Just going to be a bunch of lame fake muscles, knock off Ed Hardy shirts (I never thought there would be anything worse than an Ed Hardy original, I stand corrected), and imitation blow outs.

End rant.

Reader E-mail

From:        Mike  xxxxxxxxxxx
To:        TheAltTab@Gmail.com
Date:        10/25/2010 12:16 PM
Subject:        Blogworthy

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You need a rant on how when you want to read a news story and it turns out to actually be a video.  I’m sure we each go through this at least 2-3 times per day.
 
I just did with the headline “Gator eats 50 pound dog in backyard”

To be honest, that should have been the first thing you blogged on for the site.  that’s the #1 “non-work related pet peeve that happens every day at work while you’re trying ot distract yourself from doing work”

First off, exciting day, our first reader suggestion (also sort of doubling as our first reader complaint?) as a reminder please send any thoughts, comments, suggestions or hate mail to TheAltTab@Gmail.com. 

I sympathize with you Mike.  Its annoying as shit, and I have no idea how I over looked this office gripe (I'm sure running a pop-culture sensation of a blog in my spare time while holding down a corporate job had nothing to do with it, even if the whole sensation part is just made up).  

You work all day trying to find lengthy or entertaining articles to take your mind off the fact that your job is no where near as full-filling as it should be, and that ultimately you'll be replaced by Indians and a few macros on excel within a few years.  It sucks.  At least have the decency to offer the video or a transcribed version of the events with pictures.  Is it that hard?  Takes me 10 minutes a day to slap up a blog accompanied by a quick google image search, and I have a job that requires my divided attention.  

You'd think these sites (I'm looking right at you CNN, no I don't want to view your frigen I-Report, just tell me what happened) would realize the majority of their views come during work hours and would take into consideration that maybe we don't want our cube neighbors to hear blaring audio of some redneck describing the scene of a 42 car pile up.  Maybe we just want a short description with a couple of awesome jpegs.  It's just common courtesy.  

By the way Mike, did you end up watching the video?  That sounds like something you have to see to fully appreciate.  Maybe drop in later and leave a comment with the link if you still have it. 

Lebron being Lebron

Which is to say bitching like a little girl as usual.  I'll tell you what you should do, shut the fuck up.  This guy and his people honestly have no idea.  Opening night should have been a big enough event, he could have came out, played ball, showed a no-nonsense attitude and commitment to winning and shit would have eventually died down. Let your actions do your talking, and let your gigantic ego rest for a night.  Would have been smart right?  Well maybe Lebron should have went to college for a year or so, or at least whoever handles his PR.  Honestly, no one at Nike batted an eye at the release of an over the top narcissistic montage for an already embattled personality?  They really thought an inside window into Lebron's mind (which apparenlty operates at a 5 year olds intelligence level, egocentric, bitches about perceived slights to any one who will listen, and takes the blame for nothing) is what would win the public back?  Epic fail.  I'll come up with 3 better commercials for "re-introducing Lebron" right now:

1. Release "grainy" home shot footage of Lebron working on his game this summer (which admittedly might be hard to find with all the time he spent partying and patting himself on the back). Have background voices from sports commentators playing in the background discussing his decision, have Lebron say something about motivation or having a lot to prove, and cut to a shot of him swishing a turn around. 

2. Light hearted series of commercials showing Lebron, Wade, and Bosh running half court games with various neighborhood kids, or against a trio of former nba legends. Hijinks and hilarity ensue, makes us realize we'd choose playing pick up with our friends in his situation as well.

3. Standard Nike black and white dramatic commercial, inspirational instrumental music accompanying the background. Video of Lebron as a youth on youth teams celebrating with his friends after victory, footage of lebron on aau teams celebrating victory with his friends, video of lebron on his highschool team celebrating victory with his friends (getting the theme here), and end with a shot of this picture.  

Basically anythign to play up that he chose a team, playing with friends, and winning over showcasing his outsized ego would have won me over.  Get used to those Hate Tweets Lebron, its going to be a long season.  

PS: If Nike steals any of those golden ideas I'm suing.

Double PS: GO CELTS

Tackling the Hand Washing Issue

Cold season is upon us, and the constant advice you will hear from doctors and friends it to keep washing your hands. Everyone claims they do, but do they really? A recent study found that although most people claim to wash their hands after dirty activities, when you observe them in person, the story (especially for men) is a little different.

Look, we all know men wash their hands less than women, its a given.  We're a disgusting group of people, we didn't need a scientific study to realize that.  Just last night I used my t-shirt as a face cloth and my pant legs as napkins, I readily admit that we're slobs.  Yes, those of us who choose not to wash their hands (myself not included in this group) are gross, but I don't take issue with these people.  Would I shake their hands? Hell no.  But at least they're honest about being hygenically-retarded. 

My issue is with the people in the bathroom that run their hands under the water for 1.3 miliseconds just for show so they can claim to be clean.  These guys are the truly scary fucks of society.  What kind of mental state do you have to be in where you go around spreading your filth all the while justifying it in your own mind because you splashed some water on yourself?  Just a sick, sick thought process. 

Someone needs to start a public forum to out these unstable individuals, similar to the sex offender registry, before we're all victimized with piss and poo-particle covered hands.  It's time to take a stand.

Bible.com Owners Ripping Off the Collection Plate

WILMINGTON, Delaware (Reuters) – A shareholder of Bible.com Inc sued the company's board members, accusing the ordained ministers of failing to profit from the "goldmine" potential of the namesake Internet property, according to a lawsuit.  James Solakian filed the lawsuit in Delaware's Chancery Court against the board of Bible.com for breaching their duty by refusing to sell the site or run the company in a profitable way.

The lawsuit cites a valuation done by a potential purchaser that estimated bible.com could be worth more than dictionary.com, which recently sold for more than $100 million...The company's business plan stated "it is the goal of the board of directors of Bible.com to become very, very profitable," according to court documents. The business was also to be governed in accordance with Christian business principles....Bible.com currently features a crowded mix of advertisements as well as a verse of the day -- "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong" -- and offers links for Biblical answers to questions on voting and masturbation.

Where do I start?  I guess with the fact that Bible.com is being run by people more amateurish than yours truly.  I visited the site for the first time today and I'd say James Solakian has every right to be pissed off, he was swindled.  I don't know who was in debt to him for 400k but I can assure you that the site as it is now isn't worth more than the $60 I paid for this site.  No Alt-Tabs, no angry rants, no life lessons on how to deal with corporate life.  Just a quote of the day and a shit load of advertisements.  Nothing like the pop-up holograms of Jesus and God, or web-cam chats with the Pope that I was expecting.  It's almost like the site took the same vow of poverty that priests and nuns take (well except those rich black pastors, or mega-church quasi ministers)

And who wrote their business plan? "Goal to become very, very profitable" Who in hell (pun intended) approved their loan based on that?  6th grade alter boys could have written a more appropriate business plan. I know you're waiting to see if I follow that up with an alter boy joke.  I'd like to but I'm fearful of lightning strikes.  

Finally, I can't miss the last line offering links for Biblical answers on voting and masturbation.  Simply amazing.  A site that could be visible to billions, an unbelievable source of funding for charities around the world, has instead elected to lecture us on jacking off and election rigging.  Perfect.

I wonder if anyone can get me James Solakian's contact info.  We could use an investor or two, and his lack of business savvy would seem to fit right in over here at Alt-Tabs.

Foxnews.com: Horny Hypocrites

Not the kind of banner you'd expect on the front page of a website that countless far-right conservatives call home, is it?  But there it is, every single day.  I've been meaning to point it out for a few days now.  Its not always the same pics or stories but its always tittilating.  What gives Fox? 

I thought Fox News were the keepers of middle American conservative values peppered with the not so occasional spiteful remarks towards liberals, minorities, and gays. I certainly didn't think they were purveyors of provocative teens sucking on lolly-pops with come hither looks, Tiger's Whore of the Week Features, or 4-inch Brett Favres embarrasing booty call rejection.  Slam them for their moral infidelities, but don't forget to use their salcious stories to your benefit ,weeks and months after the stories left the news. 

Looks like I'm going to have to change my opinion of them though, maybe they're not that out of touch (aside from Bill O'reilly, in fact most of my snide remarks about Fox stem from the fact that they employ such a hateful, degenerative and simply evil human being. CNN has their annoying liberal slant but at least they don't employ anyone who's propogandist views could be construed as actually dangerous to society). 

And if this is some ploy to reach a new and younger audience then consider it a success, but why stop there?  How about a weekly column from a uniquely open-minded, yet cynical young blogger? No? Ok...worth a shot.  I'm not really looking to work with smut distributors anyway. 

When Do You Make the Decision to Call Out Sick?

Just another work day facing the question as old as time, do I call out sick from work today?  Full disclosure, the man in the picture could be my identical twin (if I had comically sized hands), I've hacked up just about every major vital organ in the past week or so.  Probably  bronchitis, but I won't go to the docs to find out for sure.  Know why?  Because they can't do anything for bronchitis, just give you some cough syrup and say good luck.  People with the HIV have more options than I do with bronchitis.

But back to the original question.  How do you know when you should call out?  Personally I'm not one to call out under faking conditions.  This might surprise some of you given that I slack off all day and blog from work, but I'm old fashioned.  I tend to think if I'm healthy enough so browse the internet at home, I'm healthy enough to browse the internet at work.  That's usually my barometer. Trouble with this case is I don't feel sick. I just have this annoying as fuck cough that I have to release every 3.4 seconds or I feel like the world will end and my lungs will implode (think of it like that button that Desmond was pushing in Lost to keep the world safe).  I don't have a head cold, I'm not contagious, but I'm still not sure I should go in.  I don't want to be that person in the office just annoying the shit out of their co-workers with the incessant coughing.  I hate that person, I mutter shit under my breath all day when that person comes to work, and bad mouth them to co-workers, now I'm that person.  Not to mention that I took enough Nyquil last night that my bed (where I'm currently blogging) still feels like I'm lying in the clouds even after a gigantic cup of coffee.

But you know what? I'm still going in.  I'm not even friends with most of my co-workers and I openly loathe the person on the other side of my cube, this will be good punishment for all the times she's annoyed me (I live to stick it to people).  Besides, I find my best blog topics while at work.  Too many distractions at home, sleep, sportscenter repeats, Gilligans Island, paternity tests on Maury.  All things I'd rather do than entertain my readers.   So be thankful I'm working today, its for your benefit, maybe leave a comment on one of the blogs today, break the ice. 

No Nonsense Weatherman

Bravo to this guy, a more professional weatherman these eyes have never seen.

He had to know he was being set up right?  I don't care if you're a life long A-sexual virgin, when you see a dick the size of Texas you notice it.  And did this guy let the juvenile defenders win? Did he crack up and roll on the ground laughing and attempt to play up the joke (like I would have). No. He just did his job with a straight face and collected his paycheck at the end of the week.  

And honestly, he completely sucked the inappropriateness out of the video, which is hard to do with a gigantic red dong on screen.  He so anihilated this prank that I'm willing to bet the station didn't even get in trouble for broadcasting this.  Probably had the guys down at the FCC calling their loved ones to make sure they survived the storm, didn't even notice that a cock and balls silhouette was ravaging the mid-west states on television right in front of their eyes.

So bravo indeed, Mr. Weatherman.