Joan Rivers?

WFXT - New York Post -- Some women think of their husbands' moms as monsters-in-law and would do almost anything -- including having a root canal -- to get out of spending time with them, the New York Post reported Monday...When asked who they might like to have as a mother-in-law, 17 percent of the women said they would like Hillary Rodham Clinton, 16 percent said reality-show star Kris Kardashian Jenner, 9 percent said Sarah Palin and 7 percent said Joan Rivers.

Really Ladies?  You don't think that the problem could be related to your deranged, delusional, irrational thoughts on this one?  I know there can be mother in laws out there that are absolute bitches to deal with but Joan Rivers, Sarah Palin, Hillary, and Kris Kardashian?  If you were starting a mother in laws from hell basketball team that would be four of your starting five (the fifth being the mother in law from Everyone Loves Raymond). Lets just break each one down real quick:

Rivers - Bitch of all Bitches. Would critique your appearance every chance she got

Palin - Definition of an overachiever, 3 kids, a grandkid and a Nationally Mocked admired idiot politician. So you'd have that to live up to.

Hillary - Cold as ice personality and the ultimate perfectionist. Good luck warming up to her.

Kris Kardashian - Great if you're looking for your mother in law to whore you out the way she has done and continues to do with her daughters.

Just further proof that girls are usually their own worst enemy when it comes to relationships (that and you're watching entirely too much reality television).  I'm not saying guys don't have their faults too, but if this survey is any indication,  you girls are on a whole other level of crazy.

Animal Kingdom Strikes Back

Great Parenting here, encourage the girl to lure the gigantic Lion, lie to her and tell her the lion likes her and wants to kiss her after he tried to end her life and then teach your kids to be voyeurs while you record it taking a piss.  Don't be too surprised the first time you find out your daughter is into golden showers later in life. Either that or she becomes one of those deranged wilderness people who live with Tigers and Lions for fun (or because they're insane from childhood experiences such as this).

Huge week for the animals though, Lions scaring the shit out of little girls, Flying barracudas wreaking havoc on tourists who dare cross their territory, and Marlins just showing no mercy on their would be captors.  Got to hand it to the animals, they've made our quest for global supremacy a lot more challenge in recent times, refreshing to see them going down fighting. 

Junior Seau Drives off Cliff, Doesn't Die

(CNN) -- Former NFL linebacker Junior Seau was arrested for domestic violence in Oceanside, California, in the early morning hours Monday, hours before he drove his car off a cliff in nearby Carlsbad, authorities said.

That's all they got for him?  I mean he beats his girlfriend, gets busted, Karma tries to punish him for what he did and he just laughs it off?  Karma has to come a whole lot tougher than that, thats just embarrsing. 

Sad thing is this isn't the first time fate has tried to maim Junior.  I once saw this guys arm snap on national television and I'm pretty sure he was lobbying from the sideline to stay in the game, its going to take a bit more than driving off a cliff to end this dudes life. A couple of years later he got trampled by a bull at a rodeo and just dusted himself off like he was playing with the family dog. 

I'm pretty sure at this point that the deal he made with El Diablo is up and the Devil is calling for payment, personally I can't wait to see what is next.  And it really wouldn't surprise me if Bruce Willis' character in Unbreakable was based on Junior.

People are Still Using AOL Mail?

I had a request at work come to me today from someones AOL e-mail address and all I could picture was some guy on the other end anxiously awaiting my response accompanied by the famed "You've Got Mail" voice.  I think I'd be embarrased to have @aol.com as my  personal e-mail at this point, nevermind my as my business e-mail.  Do you really want people thinking that your business is still using dial up? Or that you spend your days e-mailing people with addresses like Laxxbro83 or xxprincessxx?  I apologize if those are anyones real AOL names...actually no I don't, you have it coming to you if you're still using the same e-mail address from the 8th grade.

It also made me wonder if my old @aol.com e-mail was still active.  I don't even know how I'd go about checking it at this point, but I'm sure if I could it would be full of porn offers, male enhancement advertisements, and offers of riches from Nigerian royalty. 

Really makes me miss the good old days of the internet, trolling around in chat rooms, gathering people's a/s/l's, making fun of alcoholics in their Alcoholics Anonymous support chats.  Good times, good times.

Fall is Here

And it sucks.  Sneaks up on me every year before I know it, summer and it's carefree, easy going dress code is replaced by heavy sweaters, jackets pants, and worst of all, Uggs.  And it means winter is right around the corner. 

At least winter is honest though, you know what you're going to get.  Fall is my least favorite season for many reasons, but mainly because its dishonest.  The weather fluctuates from raw and wet to windy and freezing, random sunny warm days that remind you of summer just long enough to get your hopes up before they are dashed away by a freak snow storm.  All the inconsistent weather inevitably leads to the first round of office colds that spready like the plague from cube to cube. These never clear up until the spring.  Just when you're feeling healthy it creeps around the corner and spreads through your portion of the office again like the wave coming back around at a baseball game.

While some of you are quick to point out the beauty of the fall and the changing of the leaves, I counter that the leaves are just dying and you'll soon enough be raking and dropping the bagged leaves off at the dump.  Apple Picking?  Sure it was fun when I was a kid, and is probably still enjoyable if you have kids, but I prefer to do my apple picking at the grocery store now.  Just made a trip last weekend, took pictures of me picking them out and everything just for nostalgias sake. 

Outside of Thanksgiving and football season there are really no redeeming qualitites to this season, and thats why fall sucks.

How About a Little Gratitude Belichick, You Know, For the Effort?

Great win for the Pats yesterday, actually huge win given their upcoming schedule.  But I'll be honest, I'm a little disappointed in Belichick as I received no credit during the press conference for finally solving and breaking the my personal Brady jersey curse.  How did I do it?  I snapped early this time and benched the jersey shortly before the half (an unprecedented move to this point) and the boys responded with a second half ass kicking that I'm sure Ray Lewis will be bitching about for the rest of the season.

How bad could the Brady Jersey Curse have possibly been you're wondering?  Well first know that I'm not that superstitious, not some kind of weirdo creep. Just a few of the basic superstitions most sports fans can relate to.  I don't like to predict the home teams outcome when people ask how I think the game will go, if the momentum shifts suddenly in a game I assume its because of how I recently repositioned an arm/leg/hand/foot (yes I believe I have magical appendages).  But as silly as those are, the Brady Jersey Curse was real. The last 3 times I wore the jersey before yesterday were: 1)  Pats/Giants Superbowl , 2) Opening Game 2008-Brady's Injury, 3) Home playoff blowout loss to Baltimore last year.  

That's it, those are the 3 other games I wore the jersey, and the curse looked at full power early yesterday until I made the decision to pull it from the game.  So my question, is the curse over, or should I take that jersey out back and burn it?

I Hate Laundray Day

I honestly can't think of a bigger waste of 2-3 hours than laundry day.  I even have a washer/dryer in my unit now and I'll still occasionally go out and buy new underwear just to put off the laundry a few more days.  Am I that lazy or does everyone generally feel this way? Because I honestly have no idea how stay at home mothers and illegal immigrant maids do it.  Just knowing that you're locked down for 3 hours and can't go anywhere. Granted I'd probably be just watching football as I was yesterday anyway but its the principle of the matter.  If I wanted to go out and be productive and say, go to the gym instead of gorge on tacos I know I can't, and that burns me up inside.  And folding? The worst.  My clothes currently exit the dryer and get dumped on the spare bed.  Next time a friend needs to crash here they'll be forced into manual labor unless they feel like an uncomfortable night on the couch.

Alt-Tabs Part 2

Big Friday over here, just blogging my ass off.

Crazy Cat Lady Writing Crazy Cat Lady Things - There is no such thing as a crazy dog person in New York. Are there people who are completely insane about their dogs? Hordes. But cat people may as well have whiskers and tails themselves.

Look lady, the articles title “Cat People Are People Too” and no one is denying that.  But you are a relatively insane bunch of people.  Cat people are crazy because they there is nothing social about a cat.  Bragging about your cat’s personality or gimmicks is lower than listening to the new born parents who brag about their kid’s burps and giggles like they’re the first people with children ever.  Keep it to yourself; it’s not interesting to the rest of us.  The old saying that dogs and their owners look and act alike tends to play to the cat owners as well.  Cats are for the most part socially awkward and shy, just like most cat lovers; you’d prefer to curl up in a blanket in the corner of your couch to interacting with other human beings.  Dog owners can go outside and throw a ball around with other people while the dog chases it or bring their dogs to cook outs to play with other dogs while everyone kicks back with an adult beverage.  Cat owners sit at home bobbing strings of yarn and picking up puke off the carpet.  Which one seems crazier to you?

Mosque gets Baconnated - FLORENCE, SC (WMBF) - A national Muslim civil rights and advocacy group is calling on the FBI to investigate a message written in bacon at mosque in Florence.

Before my cube is Jihad’ed I just want to state that I don’t condone hate crimes or speech in any form. The perpetrators here are clearly deranged individuals…With that said this is one of the funnier hate crimes I can remember.  I’m sure once the bacon was removed the evidence was still there in the form of grease as well.  I’ll also give credit to the victims here, not outlandish reactions and demonstrations just a statement of disappointment and handing it over to the proper authorities. Pretty refreshing.

How to Deal with an Annoying Co-Worker – Is it possible that professionals in the work place lack so much common sense that vanilla articles such as this one are considered meaningful enough to deserve publication on a major national news website?  There is not one statement or solution  in there that a person with an 8^th grade education couldn’t have reasoned out on their own.

 How about delving into some random situations that we don’t come across every day, like how to deal with the co-worker that farts too often, or isn’t showering enough, the office lunch thief, the older woman who still acts like she’s just out of college and is making everyone uncomfortable, and the delusional and possibly schizophrenic employee who keeps everyone on edge (in my case those last two were the same person, terrifying yet entertaining while it lasted). Let’s just say Christmas parties and work outings were veeerrrry interesting with her around. 

Thats all this week folks.  We'll be back Monday.  As I usually do on Fridays I only request that you tell 3 people about the blog if you enjoy it. - CW

Overheard at the Office

As with anyone who works in an office in close proximity to their peers I hear a wide range of ludicrous thoughts, opinions, and musings that continue to shock me for either their stupidity, grossness, or for the speakers sheer lack of shame in discussing personal matters.  I mention this today because yesterday I heard a comment that instantly vaulted into my top five favorite quotes heard in the office (not quite challenging number one which I'll also share with you today).  Now that you're all salivating...

Obviously the talk of the office yesterday was all about the Chilean miners rescue (the same one that I'm investigating to ensure it was not an elaborate hoax), an unbelievable story that I fully expected and prepared myself for hearing people discussing and regurgitating the same stories everyone heard on the news the night before without end (when I say prepare I mean practicing my patented "I think what you have to say is interesting face" coupled with the occasional head bob and slight smile to make you think I'm not day dreaming of anything but talking to you).  What I couldn't possibly prepare myself for was this dandy of a quote: "I heard that they didn't have anything to eat the whole time they were down there."  My pretend interested face turned to visually stunned in .003 seconds, there was no hiding it.  Air was gasped, my gaping mouth immediately covered by my hand, and I high tailed it out of there so I wouldn't laugh right in this persons face.  They were underground for 60+ days! Of course they ate food.  This was from a fairly senior ranking person in our office.  The more I think about it that has to rank second only to the number one overheard quote of all time.

The number one came from an employee who no longer works here (which is a good thing work wise, but a horrible thing for fans of unintentional comedy).  Anytime he picked the phone to make a call it was appointment eavesdropping.  There are countless stories I could rehash, but only one truly legendary story.
He was calling a support number for his recently purchased Comcast television service (he made more calls to support lines than anyone I've ever known) for help setting up his online account. After a string of mind numbingly dumb questions he finally got down to setting up his user name and password (he absolutely tortured phone support people, to say he wasn't bright is a drastic understatement).  As the tech support person on the other end of the line was giving him his temporary password my former employee would repeat each letter followed by a word that began with the letter (C as in Charlie, B as in Boy etc...).  And that's when he uttered the following; "Ok, G as in July." Take a minute and re-read that if you didn't catch the absurdity the first time through.  The sad thing is I'm pretty sure the dude on the other end of the line didn't even correct him because he just kept rolling on with the call without hesitating or realizing his mistake.  I'm not exagerating when I say that I received a flurry of e-mails from the 5 or 6 cubes within earshot asking if they heard him correctly.  All you could hear were muffled laughs in our area that day. He may have sucked at his job, but he provided ample comedic value.

So here's the deal, I'd like to start this as a semi-running feature every week or two, but in order to do that I'll need input from you guys.  Feel free to send in snippets of comments or conversations you've over heard in the office, place of work, gym etc... and I'll work on compiling everything into a featured blog.  You can reach me at Thealttab@gmail.com .