New Mini-Wheats Commercial is Legitimately Causing me to Lose Sleep

For whatever reason I had an all out panic attack at like 12:30 at night two nights ago, all worried that little Becca probably knows more about science than me at this point. I'm dead serious, I grabbed my tablet and started wikipedia'ing cloud formations, the water cycle, the 7 steps of the scientific method, and various geological facts...for good measure, at work yesterday, I spent 4 hours dusting up on my highest mountains of the world trivia...Just in case Becca decided she wanted to go out for the Geography bee too.

I have no idea what came over me, it was like I was all of a sudden in a state of shock that there is probably legions of 4-6th graders who have greater trivial knowledge of juvenile science than I do, it troubled me. Then I was thinking, years from now, assuming I have kids and they need help with their homework, am I even going to know anything about the Solar System? That stuff changes on like, an hourly basis. Pluto's a planet, then it's not, then it is, then it's not but some people still say it is. I can't keep up.

It got me thinking that there may be a market for a very specific form of continuing education for adults. Adults like me who aren't particularly concerned about getting an MBA or anything, but would much rather retain their trivial knowledge of elementary and middle school topics, in the event that we're ever called as a contestant on Jeopardy, or even, Are you Smarter Than A 5th Grader.

I don't think it's that impractical either, I mean, how much time would a functioning adult such as myself need to go back through 2-4th grade? A month? Slap together a couple diorama's featuring clay dinosaurs and you're good. The middle school grades might be a bit tougher, maybe you do something like class twice a week for two months for each grade?

Did I just lay out the perfect business plan for parents who want to stay one step ahead of their pre-teen children as far as intelligence goes? Yep.

Panama City Beach Officials Worried About Bikini Parade Devolving into a Girls Gone Wild Situation

Fox News - Panama City Beach, Fla. is attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Record for the Largest Bikini Parade and knock Australia off its throne. But not everyone in the city is happy about it. The event, on March 6, is taking place at one of the most popular spring break destinations in the country, known for its golden sands, clear waters, and of course bikinis. But some city leaders say the idea to have hundreds of women parade around in a two-piece swimsuit would devolve into "Girls Gone Wild" on the beach. “We’ll have a lot of college kids and there’s a lot of hormones flowing out there. It’s very volatile and it doesn’t take a whole lot for things to go sour,” said Panama City Beach city council member Ken Nelson.

Uhhh, guys, if you're worried about Girls Gone Wild type situations breaking out in your city, you may want to go investigate that over-sized Girls Gone Wild tour bus parked behind the seedy motel...I mean Panama City, FL has been one of the crown jewels of the GGW series, seems a bit hypocritical to worry about a bunch of beach goers marching around in their beach attire, all things considered. 

Also, is there anything the people of Guinness Book won't consider a record these day? Largest bikini parade? Seems to me these records are getting more and more specific each time I hear about one.  Like anyone can make up some ridiculous idea that no one has ever been dumb enough to organize before and all of a sudden claim it's a record. Stop giving these people credit for such blatant wastes of time on trivial pursuits.  These girls were all going to be on the beach anyway, all this takes is some jackass with a megaphone and a banner getting all these girls to march a block or two down the street, that's not an accomplishment.

Mark Zukerberg's 6 Secrets for Success

Daily Finanace - David Kirkpatrick, author of The Facebook Effect: The Inside Story of the Company That is Connecting the World -- the only book about the site written with Zuckerberg's full cooperation -- offers an insider's view of what we can learn from the 27-year-old billionaire, while challenging some of the conventional wisdom on the inscrutable entrepreneur. Here, according to Kirkpatrick, are the key ingredients in Zuckerberg's recipe for success.

1. Believe in Yourself

2. Just Get It Done

3. Stick to Your Vision and Tune Out the Naysayers

4. Loyalty Breeds Success

5. Live Below Your Means

6. Follow Your Passion -- Not the Money

All due respect to Mark, I think he forgot one, "Invent the most addictive and popular website in the history of the internet."  Not to be too cynical here, but I just can't stand whenever some uber-rich guy comes out with lists like this, it's bullshit. It's common sense, and it has nothing to do with your company's success or your riches that followed. 

You're rich and successful for two reasons, you thought of/and/or possibly borrowed a brilliant idea, and you executed it brilliantly. That's it folks, it's that simple. All that other stuff, that corporate fluff (to be fair my company has never said "get it done," so maybe Mark hasn't gone totally corporate, but we do say things like "commitment to operational excellence," which is the same thing), it's common sense and propaganda for the employees.

Take myself for instance:

1. Believe in Yourself - I consistently believe that, when I put the effort in, I'm geniunely funny and pointed. Problem is, the results don't always support my theory. I think I happen to have a very narrow sense of humor and interest that is not necessarily palatable to a broad audience...I know this because we're not exactly rolling in advertising dollars or writing deals over here...probably because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

2. Just Get it Done - After working my day job I come home and research blog topics, I then rise an hour and half earlier than necessary each morning to type out this drivel...I'm getting it done, it's just not accomplishing anything...again, because I don't have a brilliant original idea.

3. Stick to your Vision and Tune out the Naysayers - Believe me, I do this. I get some pointed criticism daily from reader e-mails and comments, and I'd be more offended, it's just that for some reason, people wait several months before commenting on the blog...take this blog for example, wrote it in December, took this Jake P character two months to comment, at that point I just don't give a shit. Also, I consistently get e-mails from some guy in Africa with some pretty interesting business proposals for the site, but I always turn them down, I don't want to sell out just yet.

4. Loyalty Breeds Success - Well that's just a flat out lie...We've had a revolving door of bloggers over here, with Dr. Jack and Seany Mo being the only two that have somewhat stuck.

5. Live Below Your Means - Frankly, that's not even possible. Living below my means based on blog income would make me the equivalent of a homeless toddler, luckily I have a real job.

6. Follow Your Passion, Not the Money - If you haven't been getting the general gist of things here, I'm not exactly rising early each morning because of the promise of riches. I'd like the riches, it would be nice, I certainly wouldn't turn them down, but at this point if that was my driving force I'd be a fucking idiot because that's one dream that's surely not coming true...Probably because I don't have a brilliant and original idea.

In sum, I'd much rather listen to the business tips of every-man type business people, ones that haven't necessarily struck it rich but are still getting by, guys like: Michael Scott:

Some Ugly Guy Claiming to be Hugh Hefner's Son Arrested for Attacking Playmate

Celebuzz - Trouble at the mansion. Hugh Hefner‘s eldest son Marston Hefner was reportedly arrested for allegedly attacking Playboy’s Playmate of the Year Claire Sinclair. Claire, 20, is Marston’s girlfriend and according to TMZ.com, cops were called out to the Playboy heir’s Pasadena, Calif. pad after a 911 call was made by one of Claire’s family members claiming that Marston attacked the model. A source told the website that cops saw visible bruises on Claire upon arriving on the scene, and that Marston did admit to an altercation with his girlfriend but denied striking her. However, Claire’s story was very different. The TMZ source told the website that she told police “Marston had punched her, kicked her in the stomach and then refused to let her leave the residence.” Marston was arrested at 11:15 p.m. on Sunday night for misdemeanor domestic violence. He was released on $20,000 bail not too long after his arrest. On Monday, Hugh Hefner himself commented on the situation, telling People, “if they care about each other, they’ll patch it up.”

Either this just isn't Hef's son, just some guy taking advantage of a senile old man with a lifetime supply of viagra, or this picture is Hef's son in 1972. What the hell is going on here? The Faux mullet,the gapped teeth, the general gross looking complexion and lack of tan, and the bushy brows...that is most certainly not Hugh Hefner's son...Looks like the milk man may have a few "what happens in the grotto, stays in the grotto" stories from back in the day...

After A Day of Procrastination: My 2012 Grammy's Running Diary: Whitney Died

CW Note: Yes it's a day late, it's not my fault the Grammy's are a DECADE long. Filled 6 pages of notes watching the show, you know how long that takes to edit down? 

Welcome to the 2012 Grammy's! This is my second stab at a running diary, though my first where I actually keep a running diary (as opposed to recreating it in my head because I'm pretty sure writing feverishly at the poker table would have been frowned upon.  I'm joining the telecast a few minutes early to catch the wrap-up commentary on the red carpet, here we go:

7:54 - Giuliana Rancic sighting - Does anyone else find it kind of odd that the E! reporters at these shows are now more famous than half the people they introduce? I could give you the run down on every E! fashion reporter here but I'm in no way able to distinguish one country act from another. 

7:56 - Giuliana, Kelly Osbourne, and some Dainty Guy wrap up their fashion discussion by talking about how beautiful Adele looks...I'm sorry, why are we at a point where everyone's afraid to say anything but Adele is beautiful? Like, I'm not asking you to stand there and rip her, say she's ugly, say the black dress shows no lines, shape, or shadows and all in all just looks like a black blob, that would be rude. I'm just saying we don't have to pretend she's beautiful either. It's almost as if by not commenting that they think she's beautiful someone would infer they're saying she's fat. It's insanity. 

8:00 - Bruce opens the show, professional and safe as ever. I don't know why, but seeing Stevie Van Zant lean in and spit on him while they holler into the same microphone just doesn't get old for me. Decent performance, nothing special, thought I didn't really expect it, at this age I just don't think Bruce and the gang can throw down a classic Rosalita without first consulting a full team of AARP approved medical professionals to ensure their well-being. 

8:05 - LL Cool J introduced as host...My reaction: "they couldn't find anyone famous or cool?" LL immediately proves my point by pretending to be an ultra smooth preacher with street cred. It fails miserably. We get the standard Whitney monologue followed by being asked to bow our heads in prayer...this was my favorite part because the camera panned the audience and you could see a few members visibly rolling their eyes at the suggestion...good times.

 

8:10 - Bruno Mars - CW Reaction: "Fuck me." I just don't like the guy. I just want him to shave his head and get by without this ridiculous gimmick. NONE OF YOUR SONGS ARE MO-TOWNISH, YOUR HAIR SHOULDN'T BE EITHER. That said his performance wasn't bad, it hurts me to write that. 

8:16 - Adele wins her first award of the night, I think it was for something like "original song for most obvious odds on favorite to win a grammy  in history," or something. We figured out back in April or May that Adele was going to sweep the Grammy's, I kinda wish they just opened with her standing behind a banquet table with all the hardware she's taking home tonight, give her her proper due, let her sing one of her vengeful/depressing songs, and then we could get on with the non-Adele Grammy's.

8:20 - Alicia Keys and Some Red Headed Country Women that isn't Reeba perform. It was odd. 

8:25 - Chris Brown, seriously, what the fuck? I thought this was a celebration of singing, shouldn't he be hosting Dance 360 by now? Everyone knows he can't sing, right? And the producers of the show remember when he beat the piss out of Rihanna, right? That still happened. 

8:35 - Best Rap Song Goes To: 'Ye and Jay...They're not here to accept their award, they're presumably off doing N***ga things in Paris (I hope that's not too much, it sounded funny in my head, I'm going with it). This does rob us of a chance to see 'Ye rush his own award acceptance speech claiming something from his MBDTF album should have beat out his and Jay's collaboration, alas...

8:36 - Reeba! The other red headed country girl I don't really give a shit about...While she's babbling on about some historical thing or another in song writing I realize partially why I dislike the Grammy's so much...Way too many history lessons. Listen, I'm sure Muddy Waters, Lou Reed, and the whole gang were great, but most of us just don't care at this point. 

8:38 - Kelly Clarkson in a country duet...Looking skinnier than Adele! So she's got that going for her. Side note, I hate country, but I secretly love these pop'ish country duets. They get me every time, by the end of the song I always end up rooting for the two crazy kids to make it. I'm a bit of a sap.

8:40 On a country related note, wouldn't it be hilarious if Lady Gaga won Country Song of the year for You and I? She kinda deserves it, it was a good song. 

My fiancee's reaction:   "No that wouldn't be funny, she's awful." 

"Wait, what are you doing? Is this going in the blog?"

Yes it is, and after learning that she asked me to stress that she only thinks Gaga is awful as a country singer, not as an individual...I'm pretty sure that would be the exact reaction from Miranda Lambert if she were to win. 

8:49 - The Lone Defenders against the Foo perform...it's kind of become obligatory lately since they're like the only true rock band at this point. Every other band has a twist, metal, death metal, alternative, electro-rock, fingerbang rock, and my least favorite kind, Nickelback.  I wonder how the Foo Fighters feel about all this? On the one hand the exposure they get has got to be awesome for them, on the other it has to feel kind of patronizing since they're only performing because they're the only option.

8:51 - I openly wonder what all the people inside the Grammy's are actually doing right now...This song is being performed in a tent outside, meanwhile no camera cuts to the crowd inside. What is going on in there? Does Gaga come out of character during commercial breaks? Do Nicki Minaj and Taylor Swift small talk? I need to know.

8:57 - Rihanna's unending quest to attain a "featuring" credit in every modern musical act continues with Cold Play. 

9:00 - Just realized what makes Hopeless Place so catchy...It's all hook. There are no verses, it's just a repetitive chorus over and over...Also, judging by her hair I'd say she's doing some sort of Courtney Love Tribute, which leads to this exchange:

CW: Is Courtney Love dead?

Fiancee: Probably

CW: I feel like she died this year but it wasn't a big deal...Nope, Wikipedia confirmed she's alive

So it's like a pre-emptive tribute, the most thoughtful kind. 

9:03 - I've never given Cold Play any credit...probably because I always assumed they'd be as good as The Verve, but never were. 

9:10 - We're over 2 hours in and we've seen two awards...I hate the Grammys. 

9:15 - Fucking Giants...Can't even watch the Grammy's without Super Bowl reminders...on the bright side they are finally presenting another award, best Rock Album or song or something...either way the Foo Fighters won, obviously. They beat out the exceedingly sappy Cold Play, A Mumford Sons song that came out two years ago but they decided to lump into the Grammys this year, and a couple of bands that frankly, were just happy to be there. The Foo Fighters; Winning by Default since 2004!

9:16 - Is Stevie Van Zandt, who played Silvio Dante in the Soprano's, married in real life to his character wife from the show? (quick IMDB search) Yep She Is! I knew that show was real life. Greatest reality show ever. 

9:17 - Ryan Seacrest's hair looks phenomenal...That is all.

9:18 - The Beach Boys are performing with Maroon Five, who are trying way too hard to seem cool right now.  Adam Levine: Overexposed. Go back to being a poor man's Matchbox 20...better yet go track down Matchbox 20. If we're going to listen to a pop-rock band writing songs for 14 year old girls we might as well listen to a good one, right?

9:30 - Stevie Wonder introduces Paul Mccartney, which could be one of the more famous introducer/performer combo's of all time...and would have been relevant 30 years ago...The Grammy's: We're Constantly Confused About our Target Demographic, Only on CBS!

9:32 - While Sir Paul puts the crowd to sleep, wouldn't it be hilarious if Paul came out with an Adele like 21 album, only titled $48.6, complete with songs ripping his ex-wife for stealing half of his net worth? Has anyone pitched him this idea?

9:37 - Chris Brown wins best R&B with a decidedly un-R&B song. This has me confused. He thanks God first and foremost...God hates you Breezy. Go away and don't ever come back. 

9:42 - Does anyone not like Taylor Swift? She's like the nicest person on the planet. I can't fathom who would have been mean enough to her that she'd have to write a song like "Mean" but I assume it was Chris Brown. 

9:50 - NPH sighting! He's presenting song of the year...to Adele (snooze).  Speaking of Adele though, does her current boyfriend realize what's going on here? Is he aware that she's just using him for future material, that they're going to breakup, he's going to be the bad guy, and she's going to sell multiple millions of albums based on some tedious fight they had because frankly, she's  got nothing else to sing about. 

9:56 - Collectively Katy Perry, Laddy Gaga, and Nicki Minaj are keeping the latex industry solvent. It's impressive and convenient, because I assume backstage or after hours, whoever they hook up with doesn't even have to bring a condom. Their outfits do the trick just fine. 

10:00 - Best Country Album - Lady Antebellum. They're introduced with one of their songs playing in the background that I know for a fact I heard at least 2 and a half years ago...I'm fairly certain they won for this exact album last year as best new artist...why does the Grammy's allow this? 

I'll say this about the Country music contingent, they're the only genre that doesn't have artists who dress like dickheads.

10:05 - Adele performs...She's really good, there's no denying that, but enough is enough already. I want to like you Adele, I really do. And it's not your fault, it's just that I haven't gotten in my car in the last year without hearing one of your two songs...which is more of a feat than you realize because I have a one mile commute...that's a 5 minute window, in which, for the last 365 days I've heard you voice bellowing to me. I'm sick of you. It's not your fault...But again, that said, she's really really good. 

10:17 - This thing goes 3 hours? Fuck me. Should have looked at the guide first I guess. I can tell you now I'm not going to spell check a word of this blog, its far too long.  Also, this is the Country Music Awards portion of the show apparently, with a country medley performing on stage. 

If Country is going to insist on going mainstream and becoming a part of the Grammy's they should have to give up 2 or 3 of their other handful of award shows they put on for themselves. Time to end the circle jerk guys, you're winning real awards, you don't need all the Country only celebrations to make yourselves feel better about  your lesser variety of music anymore. 

10:32 - Carrie Underwood and Tony Bennett perform, which is a really, really odd pairing. Also, Carrie is depriving the world of the sight of her traditionally glistening legs. The cocoa butter industry is now in ruins. 

10:34 - Something called a "Bon Iver" just won best new artist. And possibly declined the award in his acceptance speech, I couldn't tell, but it definitely sounded like he didn't want the award. It was uncomfortable and I get the feeling that he'd rather be in some basement bar working on slam poetry than winning Grammy's. He did say "sweet hookup" during his speech though, and I would have killed for the cameras to pan to Tony Bennett at that moment...The look on his face while he tried to figure out what sweet hookup meant would have been priceless. 

10:46 - Great job by Jennifer Hudson. Can't imagine man people lining up for that responsibility, and she handled it very well...During the whole montage I couldn't help but find myself wondering how things would have turned out if Nick Cannon had hooked up with Whitney and became her rock, instead of Mariah's...We'd be doing a tribute to the musical accompaniment of "Always be My Baby," right? 

10:59 - Something called Dead Mouse (something like that) just performed and confirmed the following: The Grammy's are not a Dub Step crowd...no one in the audience knew what to do...poor dead mouse. 

11:01 - I'm tired, we're 3 hours in, and Adele is going to win the next two awards, plus this thing is going to take a year to edit, I'm out folks, its been real. One final thought, I think the reason I hate the Grammy's so much is they take themselves way too seriously, way to much history, way too much self importance. All the other award shows (ESPYs, Oscars, Globes, etc...) hire comedians to be the hosts and spend most of the night making light of themselves...not the Grammy's. We have to basically pause reality on Grammy night and pretend music makes the world goes round...it doesn't. Lighten up guys, this is supposed to be a fun, entertaining night. 

11:05 - WHOA! I almost left before this? What the fuck is Nicki Minaj doing? And how are the camera's not panning to Lady Gaga for her reaction...This is by far the silliest thing I've ever seen, and it doesn't help that I haven't understood a word of what Nicki is saying, not a word. I'm really conflicted on what to think here, on the one hand this is just plain awful, on the other my conscience is nagging me wondering if I'm just being racist...Gaga has had some pretty fucked performances, but I've usually found them somewhat entertaining...This Minaj performance is either career ending bad, or I have some deep seeded issues...but I'm going to go with career ending bad.

 

What Could Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenbaganager Possibly Be Discussing Here?

Least coherrent conversation of all time...Seroiusly, it's hard enough to understand what the hell either one of them is saying when they're not stoned, fresh out of surgery. What we have here is undoubtedly a conversation entirely made up of baritone grunts and deep bellowing laughs, nothing more...kind of like every acting role either of them has had for the last 20 years.

Tim Thomas and the On-Going (made up) Persecution of Catholics in America

Boston Herald - Bruins goalie Tim Thomas [stats] waded into political waters again yesterday, declaring on his Facebook page, “I Stand with the Catholics in the fight for Religious Freedom.” While he didn’t say so explicitly, and he wasn’t immediately available for further comment, the post could be in response to the Obama administration’s directive that all insurance plans, including those offered by religious-affiliated schools and hospitals, provide women free access to contraceptives. The new policy has set off a firestorm of controversy among religious groups, especially Catholics, who say the requirement would force them to violate church teachings and long-held beliefs against contraception. Republican lawmakers also are pushing back against the rule.

The rest of Timmy's social media crusade:

“I Stand with the Catholics in the fight for Religious Freedom. In Germany they came first for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me, and by that time no one was left to speak up.”

When you first grew a mustache that made you look like that gay pancake flipper, Johnny Cakes (left), from the Soprano's, I said nothing. When you acted out and didn't meet the President, I didn't speak up. But now, when you act like a complete looney, comparing free birth control to Hitlers crusade against the Jews, I must speak up.

Uhh, Tim, what the hell are you talking about? Was the Bill of Rights repealed last week and only you're aware of it? Or have you just completely lost touch with reality (and before we get rolling, be aware that I'm all for his right to free speech, he can say whatever he wants, and I can ridicule him for it however I want)?

What is it with these uber-Catholics and the inability to let others live the way they want to? Seriously, so because free contraceptives will be available through health plans this is equated to President Obama swinging by your house every morning and shoving birth control down your throats with your morning coffee? No! It's not forcing you to do shit. It's not forcing you to give up your beliefs or practices. Hell, move to Arkansas or Mississippi if you don't want to see it. They have poor sex-ed curriculum's, a healthy fear of contraceptives, and the highest teen-pregnancy rates in the country. Go ahead, live your Catholic life with all the baby-mamma's and MTV reality shows, completely ignorant to modern day realities. 

And really? Taking one of the most famous quotes about the Holocaust and applying it to a new program that will make birth control and contraceptives readily available to those who choose to use them? Schindler is probably spinning in his grave...Are you out of your freaking mind? We're talking about a genocide in which millions of people were killed...you know that, right? I'd say its a bit different than individuals deciding for themselves whether or not they want to risk pregnancy, wouldn't you? 

Bottom line, unless the POTUS himself has been running around at night slapping condom's on dudes and hiding crushed up birth controls in people's morning peanut butter servings I fail to see how any of this shit makes sense. No one's forcing shit on you or any of the other Catholics, Timmy.

Operation Liquid Expulsion: Stages of Having to take a Massive Piss

If only it were that easy, Calvin



I’m back ladies and gentleman with yet another entry about a seemingly mudane
(edit: crude) but astonishingly deep issue that strikes us all when it is most inconvenient: whether it be at the bar when you are hitting out of the park with an attractive member of the opposite sex (highly unlikely) or you are stuck in a long car ride having mistakenly thought you could down 5 Pacific Cooler Capri Suns before the ride (much more likely.) You told yourself you’d only have one, but they are just so damn delicious and there’s only like 2 ounces of fluid in that $5.00 pouch of sugar water. Either way, we’ve all ridden the “Holdin’ It” express. But I’m here to break down this process, as it goes beyond simply one bad decision. Rather, it is a consistent sequence of dumb fuckery that we should know better to engage in at this point, but our stubborn biological circuitry refuses to arrange itself in a more advantageous manner.

Stage 1: Invincibility Complex- This quirk of human personality goes all the way back to when you were a poorly planned idea in the minds of your parents after a drunken night out. Despite all evidence that we will fail at a forthcoming endeavor or that the statistical likelihood of a negative outcome is all but going to occur as a result of our incompetence, we have a built in, “Fuck it, I can do it” switch. I’m guilty of this as much as the next guy. During high school, my friends and I thought chugging various liquids at top speed would result in much machismo and ascension on the social hierarchy. I mean, random dudes on YouTube completed these beverage based tasks to the adoration of millions of viewers and much worship in the comments section. We can totally pull off some awesome hijinks right? Holy shit, were we ever wrong. All we ended up with was a puke stained drive way. And by “we,” I mean my idiot friend who goaded me into trying to pound 5 Gatorades in 2 minutes. He provided the driveway, I the puke. Hope his driveway still smells like shit. Long story short, we think we can do stuff when we really just can’t, but that doesn’t stop us from trying.

Stage 2: Shaky Foundation- This is when the seeds are doubt are growing in your mind, and that tiny, almost indiscernible part of your brain screams at you to cease and desist your current endeavor because this is the grain of rice that tips the scale, or the Coors Light that will have you crossing your legs so hard you injure a testicle just so that you don’t publicly piss your pants. Contrary to the events in Billy Madison, peeing your pants is NOT COOL. You have wear a sodden, pair of pants that reek like all holy hell, much to the displeasure of the general public. At least with a smelly fart you can feign ignorance pretty easily. You piss yourself, no getting away with that. You are wearing a puddle of evidence my friend. But you go ahead and do it anyway. Like order the buffalo chicken pizza telling yourself you won’t get an extra large coke, like saying you won’t eat all the ice cubes at the bottom on your drink, like telling the neighborhood kids at the corner you’d like to have more homemade lemonade for a quarter even though you have to drive all the way up to your friends lake house 2 hours away in LackofSociety, New Hampshire (…that one didn’t come from personal experience…no way…in my defense they were using ENORMOUS kitchen glasses that took out 1/3rd of the pitcher every time. For a quarter. I would have been a fool to pass it up.)

Stage 3: Desperation Bargaining- Either publicly or privately (but most often publicly, much to the chagrin of your current company,) you begin to make every concession in the book, just for the opportunity to void your bladder as quickly as possible. Often pleas to some sort of divine figure are made, but as if the cosmos finds your situation extremely enjoyable, every possible avenue of conventional piss taking are off limits to you. Bathroom at a fast food joint? Every stall is taken, the janitor refuses to clean the floor faster than a glacial pace, or theres a homeless guy taking a nap in the most inconvenient spot possible. Forrest all along the side of the highway? There’s just so happens to be a massive traffic jam where you can’t even begin to stomach the public shame of being seen running for the forest cradling your crotch in front of all these strangers despite the abdominal agony. Out for the night at a bar? The second you make a move for the bathroom you are besieged by a long lost contact, usually a Facebook lurker, that deems it the perfect time to catch up on the meaningless occurrences in their life that have no bearing on you whatsoever. Like I said, the second you build “The Shaky Foundation” the universe will act like you spat in its eye and fuck with you relentlessly.

Stage 4: Transformation into Satan Incarnate- There are a lot of exceptionally angry people out there, like belligerent drunk bro daddy’s at a frat party who want to fight someone the minute they get some beer in them to compensate for their insecurity or every single cab drive in the city of New York. But I’d be hard pressed to find one more irrational or dangerous than a person on the verge of pissing themselves. It’s like the activating that human primal survival instinct but instead of fighting for their very survival, the person is simply trying to preserve their social standing and not be known as the person who pissed themselves that one time. So every good grace and semblance of civility has vanished in the search of one spot where they can relieve themselves in peace. This includes screaming obscenities at people trying to help you, throwing elbows into people impeding your path, or making vicious threats to anyone who would dare halt your search of whatever you happen to deem a bathroom.

The aformentioned past Sean, having past all of the stages listed here, found himself in the ass crack of rural New Hampshire, big line of traffic all trying to get to the lakes region in the summer time. I had convinced myself that I could be civil, that I would find a suitable bathroom and do my business peacefully. Well, I violently pulled into a small parking lot, burst through the doors of a diner, nearly braining a little kid trying to get a gumball. I am sweating balls, doing a miniature tap dance, begging my internal plumbing to hold together. The snide as shit waitress asks…
Bitch: “Can I help you sir?”
Me: “Yes please, I just need to use your bathroom.”
Bitch (smirks )“I’m sorry, paying customers only.”
Me: “Seriously, I really have to pee, I’ll buy something when I come out.”
Bitch (looks over my shoulder) “Table for..how many, ma’am?
At this point I lost it. I usually can hold my composure in public because I don’t enjoy making a scene. But in a very out of character moment, I went berserk. I’m sure I was the talk of that little town for quite some time afterwards, and I maintain that the rage instilled within me was entirely the fault of my bladder, which I’m convinced was rupturing, and a snarky female who enjoyed the small modicum of power she had over me. Paraphrasing since it was a while ago, but this is roughly the message I conveyed
Me: “If you do not let me use your bathroom in the next 10 seconds, I swear to god I will piss my pants right here in the middle of your restaurant. I don’t care, at this point it will be worth it to watch you have to get a mop and wipe up a puddle of my piss. So either you either let me use the bathroom or ruin everyone’s afternoon including yours because all they smelled during their lunch was urine.”

Suffice to say, it was very awkward after that. It was as silent as a funeral procession as I was begrudgingly handed the key to the men’s room. I used the facilities, washed my hands, handed the key back to the extremely agitated waitress, and left. I think she screamed something about me buying something, I don’t know, like hell I was going to help her out. For the record, I pissed all over that toilet seat, so I win.

The moral of the story is this. We are all in a permanent Stage 1 state. But due to the sensitive nature of the universe and how readily that uncomfortable “have to pee” sensation can cripple us, listen to that little voice and don’t build a shaky foundation. We all now know where it leads: to you angrily berating a waitress at a rural New Hampshire diner. You don’t want that.

Man Arrested and Beat for Suspected Drunk Driving was Only a Diabetic...Wins Huge Cash Settlement

HuffPo - A diabetic who was suffering from insulin shock when Nevada police officers mistook him for a drunk driver and physically assaulted him will receive a settlement of nearly $300,000. Adam Greene, 38, settled his lawsuit against the City of Henderson and the state of Nevada on Tuesday night. Per the terms of the settlement, Greene will receive $158,000 from the city and $35,000 from the state. Greene's wife will receive an additional $99,000 from the City of Henderson. The $292,500 payout settles a federal civil rights lawsuit Greene filed against Henderson police and the Nevada Highway Patrol. The suit accused the agencies of battery, assault and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Once Greene is subdued, an officer discovers a vial of insulin on him and announces Greene "could be a diabetic." Moments later, an offer can be heard talking on the radio to a police dispatcher. "He's a diabetic. He's probably in shock, semiconscious."

Fuck, right? Massachusetts and their "U Drink, U Drive, U Lose, electronic signs on the highway have got shit on Nevada's "You Booze, Our Entire Department Beats the Snot Out of You" campaign. That'll sober up the streets real quick, wouldn't have any more 10,11, 12 time DUI committing people anymore, that's for sure. Physically its just not possible, you just can't take more than 4 or 5 beatings like that.

And the guy wasn't even drunk? Just diabetic? Uhh maybe you wanna give the guy a breathalyzer first  next time...Not a good look guys.  And is this guy still on the force?

Because I'd say that's right about where things went south...When this honky-ass cop pulled an Andy Bernard (That Was an Overreaction) and attempted to boot in this guys window with comically miserable results...the window didn't budge, at all. If you thought this guy was coming in hot before that, guns a blazing for a suspected DUI, it was nothing from that point on. This poor Walter Brimley like driver was in for the Rodney King treatment from that second on...No one embarrasses a traffic cop with shatter proof glass and gets away with it, No One.