This Plywood to the Head Guy is Having the Worst Day Ever.

Hilarious! I've watched this 5 or 6 times in a row now and haven't stopped laughing, the live action, the remix, it's all gold. Gold, I tell ya.

Like here's this handyman dad just trying to teach his Gameboy Generation son how to take care of a few simple tasks around the house and the whole lesson plan goes right out the window (or stumbling down a hill), in hilarious fashion. 

Good luck trying to convince your son of the worth of hard days work now, after seeing you reenact a scene from the Three Stooges, scream like a wee-girl, and then stumble awkwardly down the hill...Your son's youtube page is gonna generate enough advertising cash to pay for that failed home improvement project itself, no chance he's lifting a finger for manual labor in the future.

South Carolina Copies Simpsons, Creates Tire Pile Visible from Space

COLUMBIA, S.C. (AP) — The sprawling pile of hundreds of thousands of tires isn't easy to spot from the ground, sitting in a rural South Carolina clearing accessible by only a circuitous dirt path that winds through thick patches of trees. No one knows how all those tires got there, or when. But, Calhoun County Council Chairman David Summers says of this giant rubber menace, "You can see it from space." Authorities have charged one person in connection with the mess of roughly 250,000 tires, which covers more than 50 acres on satellite images. And now a Florida company is helping haul it all away.Tire dumping has historically been a problem in Calhoun County and other rural areas, said Summers, who recalled another giant tire pile in the 1990s that would dwarf the current monstrosity. "This tire pile here is a baby compared to what that one was," said Summers, who previously worked for a company that ended up shredding those used tires.

Congratulations South Carolina! You've successfully recreated the Tire Pile from the Simpsons (though to complete the homage you'd really need to light the tires on fire), a feat so ridiculous that the creators of an outlandish cartoon made it for laughs thinking, surely humans would never actually replicate it. You showed them! I can't even imagine the diligence and time that had to be put in to build a monument of that size and scope...I mean the environmental impact report alone for a 50 acre field of tires must have taken a decade.

But now that you've got that done it got me thinking about what your next feat could be:

The Escalator to Nowhere and the Toothpick Empire State Building! Two Springfield folly classics...Honestly neither one would really take that long to complete, though I wouldn't advise people riding the escalator, or facing the over sized magnifying glass towards the toothpick tower. Other than that this shouldn't take more than 6 months or so to complete, and the environmental impact will be far less than 50 acres of rubber tires you've got...

Is This the Most Stereotypical Fortune Cookie Fortune of All Time?

That right there is borderline racist! I don't even think I could come up with a more stereotypical, offensive, and yet somewhat poignant fortune if I tried...I mean I guess I could write something where I get my R's and my L's all mixed up, but there's just no way I'd be able to make it come full circle and make sense, because for as little sense as that sentence makes, I still sat there and said "hmm," upon seeing it. 

That's the thing with the Chinese, they're always testing you...Just seeing how long you'll sit there and try and decipher mispronounced word after mispronounced word, and then, when they feel you've been patient enough, BAM...The slap wisdom on you, just like Confucius.

Puma Parkour?

I'm not quite sure what to make of this video, or what exactly their goal is here (is there some kind of big cat olympics I'm not aware of, because if there is, count me in), but I do know one thing for sure, that lady just standing in the background trying to coax her pet TIGER into running some kinda exercise ball based agility drill is seriously f'd.

GET OUT NOW LADY! Say what you want about Puma guy here, but at least he's got a distraction dangling from the stick. Plus the puma really just looks like an oversized house cat, I'm sure it can do some damage but it just doesn't look threatening, but that tiger? Granted we only get a limited glimpse but I get the feeling it has zero interest in running your little plyometrics routine, or foot fire drill you got set up...You're about one barking command away from getting straight up mauled.

The Puma's pretty legit though. Makes you wonder why more teams aren't named after Pumas...we got Jaguars, Panthers, Cougars, Tigers, Lions...No Pumas or Leopards that I know of though, which I find strange. 

Teacher In Trouble After Launching MySluttyTeacher.Com

 

"Ignorant People Will Do Ignorant Thing" - Girl at .38 second mark.

Ignorant people also don't know how to properly pluralize and conjugate, I see.

I feel like the list of things you can't do when you become a teacher is just getting outright crazy...Like how are you supposed to keep track of all this stuff? Don't fool around with your students, don't do drugs, don't post, tweet, email opinions on your bratty students that may some day become public, don't "like" your high school students drunk pictures on facebook, and now, apparently, don't run a side porn business in your spare time.

I mean, come on, what are they allowed to do? You might as well issue a 50 page summer reading book to all new teachers just so they're on the same page...Like I'm sure Heidi Kaeslin was never explicitly told she couldn't run a porn website in her spare time, just doesn't seem like the type to blatanly flaunt the rules. Sounds more like a big misunderstanding, that's all. Like she saw her students were interested in her jugs, figured out a way to keep her students interested in her lessons outside of school, and rolled with it. More teachers should be thinking out of the box like that. Misguided, maybe a little, but lets say she's doing education flash cards while flashing her assets, then is it ok? I feel like a slight tweak to the lesson plan is really all that's needed here, and its a shame because its the students who are missing out in the end...especially that one male student who said he was disgusted by all of this (don't worry bud, I know what was going on, your GF was standing right there, right? Couldn't go on camera raving about your teach's tits with your hunny watching, I get it.)

American Man Loses All His Money in Ukraine to Some Mail Order Bride Scheme

Fox News - Dolego, who ran for Arizona governor just last year, had traveled to Ukraine this spring to do research for an engineering project and look for a wife. He says he met a woman named Yulia online and, hoping to marry her, went to her hometown of Chernivtsi. She never showed up. With nowhere to go and no money left, Dolego spent days roaming the streets of Chernivtsi along with other homeless men until he was picked up by social workers and taken to a shelter... Yulia, a 29-year-old doctor by training, said that after she found out what happened to Dolego, she paid him a visit to express her sympathy. “I went to the hospital and he started hugging me: ’Oh Yulia, oh Yulia!’ I was shocked,” she said. “He thought we were getting married.” Dolego confirmed that she visited him and he believes they could still be together. “We seemed to hit it off,” Dolego said. “She wants to continue with the relationship.”

Wait a minute, wait a minute, putting aside the fact that Dolego here just plain seems confused about how mail order brides work (bro, the word mail is in the title, they ship 'em to you FedEx, 5-7 business days later, you got her, all in the comfort of your Arizona home, not walking around all homeless and drab in the Ukraine), lets talk about this little gem:

Passionate about engineering, he claims to have designed a “lifesaving” method to keep ships from sinking and aircraft from disintegrating during a crash. He says he sold his house, truck and motorbike and left for Ukraine to further study the method here.

That's gotta be Kramer's bladder system, right?

Say what you want about Kramer, the guy was an absolute idiot (I mean, if you're testing a bladder system, you drop a barrel of oil with the blader lining it inside, you don't just drop a giant ball of oil, everyone knows that), but at least he had the forsight to realize flying all the way over to Russia, getting his bank accounts frozen, and trevasing the barren lands of the Ukraine looking for an internet wife, was no way to go about testing his invention. You couldn't just find an office building in Phoenix to spill some oil out of?

PS: Things aren't going to work out between you and Yulia, she was just being nice...You're a fucking homeless man in the Ukraine with pneumonia, you're not exactly a catch.

The Flip-Flopping on the Healthiness of Eggs , Cheese, and Butter Continues

Gonna level with you guys, it'd be nice if this came back as healthy.

MNN - Doctors and nutritionists have long recommended avoiding all animal fats to trim cholesterol, but Danish researchers say cheese may not be so bad, and probably shouldn't be placed in the same category as butter. The cheese eaters also did not have higher LDL during the experiment than when they ate a normal diet. "Cheese lowers LDL cholesterol when compared with butter intake of equal fat content and does not increase LDL cholesterol compared with a habitual diet," wrote Julie Hjerpsted and her colleagues, from the University of Copenhagen.

Guys, just stop throwing out your fancy acronyms, LDL, HDL, BP/60, MCL, ACL's...Just stop. Tell me if this stuff is healthy, once and for all. Like it's almost 2012 for godsakes, I shouldn't be alternately feeling guilty as hell one month, and content with my life choices the next, when I haven't chagned a thing about my daily routine...I'm still pounding a near daily sausage-egg, and cheese sandwich on a buttered bagel. But I just have no idea how to feel about it...One day I'm ordering it and I swear I can hear the workers muttering under their breath about how unhealthy I look, the next they're all smiles...and sure the difference could have to do with whether I'm stinking of booze style hungover at dunks or dressed up, just on my way to work, but I'm pretty sure its got more to do with the consistent flip-flopping of these three foods.

So if its the Danish folk that need to figure this shit out for us, then figure it out...but don't release another study until you do, I'm just gonna keep eating these sandwiches for now, but please, please, let me know as soon as you definitively know I should do otherwise...Then I'll cut back to just hungover days only.

Wake Up Jets Fans...You Just Got Tebowed!

A CW Original, Bitches!...Yea, I just figured out meme's, no big deal I've just been an internet master for a decade now and am just getting to meme's.

Anyway, all due respect to Iowa, I think Denver is now the lords chosen land, because there is no other way to explain what happened last night.  Like all game long Denver decides they're going to try and play some semblance of normal, NFL rules football, to the tune of exactly 0 success, only to completely toss the script 4th quarter and call designed qb run, after designed qb run, and have the Jets D inexplicably react as if they didn't know what was coming. Unfathomable. I now believe in divine intervention. 

And to the Jets offense...fucking gross dudes...In a game with Denver your offense should never be the one people are talking about after the game. Like every opposing offense heading into a game with Denver should know that, "hey whatever we do, we won't be the media's focal point this week," but I guess Mark Sanchez defies the laws of normal media policy. 

The guy flat out sucks...I'll take Tebow hucking the ball wildly in the direction of his receivers 10-15 times per game and calling fullback off tackles for himself the rest of the time, over Sanchez nervously tossing dead ducks all over the field 30-40 times a game and dancing in the pocket like a kid who's about three seconds and one defensive lineman away from pissing in his league approved jock strap. Mark Sanchez, you suck.

People Realize Subway Makes the Best Subs, Right?

Heaven

Let me say this loud and clear, I Love Subway. Love it. And I don't care what anyone thinks about that.  Like we're having a team lunch at work today and I suggested we order a platter of subs from Subway and people looked at me like I had 3 heads...Like it was unheard of to mow down on delicious, fresh, handcrafted subs at team meeting. God forbid we go away from the old standby of Pizza...Yea, hey guys lets all throw down 3 slices of pie and feel bloated and gassy in a conference room together. Sounds like a fucking blast.

No, I want my Subway. Like, I've told people where I'm going before and asked if they wanted anything and been looked at like I'm homeless, or maybe that I'm secretly Jared, post weightloss. Well jokes on them when I get back to my desk and am pounding that beautiful delight above.  Everyone's like "hey I thought you were going to subway," and I'm like, "Boom, Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki...Jealous Much." 

PS: I'd never give away my sandwich...NEVER.