Dog Saves Grafton Owner From Fire/Barstool Sports Ad-Lib Blog Post

GRAFTON (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A dog in Grafton turned out to be one woman's best friend. The little guy got kudos for saving his owner from a house fire. The Grafton Patch reports Alison Keen woke up around 7 a.m. Monday when her dog, Chance, would not stop barking. That's when she found smoke pouring out of her basement. She and Chance ran out of the house and she called firefighters before the smoke detectors went off. The fire caused about $25,000 in damage, but Keen tells the Patch that she is just happy both she and Chance got out safely.

Look, I love Barstool, and sweat El Pres, he's at least 4x the blogger I am, but these dogs posts are just about the laziest space filling posts they got. I love dogs  too, not one of those mentally unstable cat people, but its getting to the point where I'm pretty sure Pres is just ad-libbing and filling in the blanks on some kind of "Dogs are awesome" template. Let's take a look at today's story:

See, this is why dogs are the adjective superlative. They got your back 24 hours a day, you aint dying on their watch. You think some derrogatory adjective cat would've done this? Fuck no. Cat would've probably action that would cause greater harm given the circumstances and add "or some shit", while you burned to death. Fucking cats. 

Ok, so what did everyone fill in? Mine looks like this:

See, this is why dogs are the fucking best.  They got your back 24 hours a day, you aint dying on their watch. You think some bitch-ass cat would've done this? Fuck no. Cat would've probably been taking nap next to the gas can and matches, or muffling the fire alarm, or some shit, while you burn to death. Fucking cats. 

Illegal Immigrant Tricked Out of Winning the Lottery to be Awarded Anyway

Fox News- An illegal immigrant allegedly swindled out of his $3 million lottery jackpot win will finally collect his prize, the Daily Mail reports. The man won the jackpot after purchasing a lottery scratch card at N&K Quick Pick in Spring Valley, N.Y., on Feb. 3. Three of the store's workers had allegedly tricked the man by telling him he'd be deported if he tried to collect his winnings. "When he presented the ticket, they scared the hell out of him," Rockland County District Attorney Thomas Zugibe told the Daily Mail. Atif Ali, 22, Riaz Khan, 45, and Mubeen Ashraf, 22, tried to convince the man that he should name them all as co-purchasers, according to prosecutors. The three then allegedly claimed the money and cut the man out of the deal, the website reports. Zugibe told the website that the man is entitled to cash in on the prize even though he is an undocumented immigrant.

Question, is he getting deported along with those winnings? Should be right, I mean he's still an illegal immigrant, a newly rich one, but an illegal one at that.  Like hey, here's $3 million dollars, now have fun finding a way to spend that in rural Mexico while fending off drug lords. 

And since when did lying for profit become such a looked down upon skill? Like these 3 entrepeneuring convenience store employees found a loophole and took advantage of it...is that so wrong? I mean people have been doing that for centuries in America, we used to name buildings, schools, and libraries after the likes of the Carnegies, Kennedys, and Rockefellers, you're trying to tell me these guys didn't cut a corner, or sneak through a loophole or two on their way to the top? Please.  If our economy is ever going to recover we need to get back to the cutthroat, every man for himself, profit chasing of yesteryear, and we can start by making sure these three convenience store clerks get all the money that is rightfully theirs.

Shocking News: The Magical Practice of Dry Cleaning Involves Extremely Dangerous Toxins and Chemicals

WASHINGTON - Like many other memorable science fair projects, it began with a startlingly simple idea: Find out what chemicals remain in dry-cleaned clothing. So the Arlington, Va., high school sophomore went online. She e-mailed three or four chemistry professors across the country, asking for help. Only Paul Roepe, then-chairman of Georgetown University’s chemistry department, seemed intrigued. He took on the research “for fun,’’ he said. But that prompted a chain reaction in the university lab: an e-mail exchange, an invitation to collaborate and, last month, a paper published online in a peer-reviewed environmental journal. The paper gives new details about the amount of a toxic chemical that lingers in clothing after it is dry-cleaned. The research team found that perchloroethylene, a solvent linked to cancer and neurological damage, stayed in the fabrics and that levels increased with repeat cleanings, particularly in wool. The study was published online in Environmental Toxicology and Chemistry. Between 65 and 70 percent of the country’s estimated 25,000 dry cleaning facilities use the solvent, known as PCE or perc, industry representatives said. Government regulations and voluntary industry guidelines exist for atmospheric concentrations in the workplace, and there has been a long-running fight between environmentalists and the federal government over how quickly the chemical should be phased out for dry cleaners.

First of all, this kid better have gotten an A, I mean most students just mail it in for their science projects, like the time my friend Penny Packer pretended to test the hypothesis of whether  a basketball would bounce higher inflated or deflated (yes I'll mention that every change I get).

Second of all, I know this is the first time anyone has ever studied this, but I mean, what did you think they were doing back there with your clothes? There were basically two options, either A) They weren't doing anything, just spraying a little febreeze and telling you they cleaned the clothes, or B) Using harmful chemicals that magically clean your clothes without the use of water, but have side effects that may cause cancer.  

I mean, you had to know that, right?  These people aren't miracle workers, there aren't teams of underage Chinese kids out back beating the stink out of  your clothes with magical sticks, they're obviously using chemicals, and besides, everything causes cancer these days, the cup of coffee I just drank will probably cause cancer, might as well have clean looking and smelling clothes at least...

Labor Day Weekend in Dracut at The Boathouse

How does an aspiring media mogul, potential Tony Award winning off-broadway accredited writer, and all all around man of class spend his Sunday night of Labor Day weekend?  Why at the Boathouse in Dracut of course, only the worlds biggest shit-hole of a bar.

Actually, shit-hole doesn't quite do this place justice. There are dive bars, shit-holes, and potentially murderous shit holes beloved by the lowest dregs acceptable in our society...That's the Boathouse crowd, no joke. Even now, reading that back, I'm not sure it's worded strongly enough, but it'll have to do, because how else do you describe a place inhabited by likely murder suspects, black mold, and asbestos?

The staff was literally changing out the air filters in the ceiling vents at 11:45 pm in a fairly packed bar, and our table seemed to be the only people thrown by this, like the regulars were like "oh, the air quality level must've just gotten to a dangerous level again" (which would explain the scratch in my throat and nasal issues I'm experiencing two days later).  

There were dudes dancing in cut-off shirts and logger boots, an un-ending stream of bros wearing socks with sandals, some guy wearing a knock-off Ed Hardy shirt just dominating the Karaoke machine (and by dominating I mean just screaming heavy metal songs as loud as he could while his legions of lackeys, 2 people, stood watching in admiration), and a dance pole so filthy that one of the regulars told us they don't usually touch it without gloves on.

To top off all the weirdness our DJ in charge of our entertainment for the night, a 270 pound man with a shaved head and goatee, bumped out an impressive array of top 40 hits, sprinkled with the occasional death metal song, the guy was actually a sweet heart with a fairly soothing voice, easily the only bright spot in the place.  

Needless to say the only way I'm ever returning to this gateway to hell is to burn it down, though I have to admit, their entertainment calendar is pretty compelling, I mean, Wednesday night is Buckhunter Challenge night, how do you say no to that?

French Authorities Struggling to Get Dangerous Post-It Note War Under Wraps

(NewsCore) - As far as management problems go it's become the stickiest labour issue of the French summer. The latest creation, a huge six storey representation of Asterix and Obelix, appeared on the windows offices of Societe Generale, the bank, in La Defense business district west of Paris last week. Fifty employees stuck 9,000 notes of eight different colors on the windows to create what is being touted as the greatest example of Post-It art ever, The (London) Times reported. The production was a response to a design on the windows of GdF-Suez, the energy giant, in the building opposite. This involved 3,500 notes to represent Tintin and the rocket he used in the comic book "Destination Moon." "The difficult thing was not so much to stick the Post-Its to the windows as to get everyone to agree on the project and then to design the matrix on a computer," said one of the Gdf-Suez artistes. He spoke to The (London) Times using his nickname, Fanfan, out of fear that managers would take disciplinary action against him if they discovered his true identity. "The atmosphere is quite hostile and our bosses would probably like us to stop, although at the same time they are reluctant to order us to take the works down."

Is France serious? This is some kind of practical joke, right? Like self depreciating humor, just making fun of themselves for always being pussies, pretending to be unable to stop the daring and dangerous members of this post-it note war?

Like this guy speaking to the London Times using a nickname out of fear...umm, who cares if you don't know his name. The guy just organized stories tall murals of Nintendo characters, using only post-it notes...I'm pretty sure someone had to see this going down, its not exactly something you can just sneak in on an abandoned floor during your lunch break...shit must have taken hours with countless helpers.  You just can't be that covert carrying around hundreds of thousands of post-it pads, there's just no other reason you'd need to be in possession of all those notes.

It's to the point where I'm wondering if I need to move over to France, I feel like I'd have the run of the mill, could probably be the head of their secret service within a week, plus I'd get away with all the hijinks and shenanigans I could think of and would never have to worry about the Frogs connecting it to me.

National Grid President Catching Flack for Taking Vacation as Irene Hit Massachusetts

Boston Herald - As Hurricane Irene thundered toward the East Coast last Thursday, the president of National Grid in Massachusetts was jetting off to Hawaii, where she stayed for four days even as the utility’s workers were ordered to cancel their vacations, a move that has prompted union jibes about hypocrisy. Company president Marcy Reed didn’t return to the storm-battered state until Tuesday afternoon. Yesterday, she insisted her tropical island getaway to celebrate her 25th wedding anniversary had nothing to do with the tens of thousands of customers who still remain in the dark — down from a storm high of half a million households that were left without power. “The fact that I was out of the state for five days had nothing to do with our storm restoration practices,” Reed told the Herald last night.

I don't really understand this, do people really expect Marcy Reed, President of National Grid, to be climbing up telephone polls during the middle of a hurricane? She's the president, she doesn't do that shit.  Her job is to delegate, and delegate she did. It's not like she's in the office every day overseeing some magical button that'll turn your power on and off, you guys know that.

People understand the role of executives, right? Get paid a shit ton of money, don't get your hands dirty, make tough decisions about who to lay off and who not to, ship a certain amount of your company's work to India every 6 months or so, and deny any direct involvement or knowledge for anything that goes wrong with your company even though you're supposedly the head. As long as Marcy is keeping up with those tasks then I'd say she's doing her job rather effectively.

I mean I didn't see President Obama or Gov. Patrick riding out Hurricane Irene on the Vineyard despite both being there during the week before hand, they weren't stocking up on water and hotdogs at Stop & Shop, and they certainly weren't in the car next to me waiting in the stand by line for hours at the Steamship Authority.  No, they both took flights off the Island the night before, they wanted to get the hell out of there, and no one gave them shit for running away.  If Marcy Reed had done anything else but get away for the week while Irene swept through town she would have faced the ridicule and mockery of her peer executives everywhere she went, would have been looked at like a commoner, or worse, an entry level employee.

Subsitute Teacher Buys Stolen Computer From Students, Sues Tracking Company for Recording Sex Chat

OHIO - An Ohio woman and her boyfriend from Boston are suing a laptop-tracking company that captured their sexually explicit chats and pictures in an effort to find out who stole the computer the woman was using. According to Wired.com, the laptop computer was stolen from a school in Ohio in 2008 by a student who sold to another student for $40. That student then sold it 52-year-old substitute teacher Susan Clements-Jeffrey. Clements-Jeffrey claims the student told her he no longer needed the computer after getting a new one. All of the school’s laptops have software installed that can track the computer if it is stolen which includes recording all of it’s images. The tracking company, Absolute Software, sent all of the data to local police including the teacher’s sexually explicit images and location data. Police then arrested Clements-Jeffrey after showing her the sexual images they received proving she was in possession of the stolen laptop. Charges were later dropped and Clements-Jeffrey insists she had no idea the computer was stolen.

How come more movies aren't made about substitute teachers? These transients are like the long haul truck drivers of the education system. In town for a day or two and then gone for weeks at a time. I feel like it's a fairly interesting life for a deviant like Clements-Jeffrey. If not full fledge featured films, I can't see how Lifetime hasn't found something here...the abused female sub at an innercity school, the male substitute taking advantages of girls at high schools within a 30 mile radius...seems like there's Lifetime gold here.

And Clements-Jeffrey can cut the shit about not knowing the laptop was stolen, last I knew high school students aren't in the business of pawning off laptops to teachers on the reg. Shit's a ridiculous defense. You knew it was stolen, you knew it had tracking software, and you knew someone would see you diddling yourself, and you know what, I think it turned you on. I think it turned you on to know someone else was watching, and I think you get a thrill out of other people knowing about it...why else sue? You could have just swept this under the carpet, turned in the laptop and be done with it, but that aint the road you took, you want the fame and attention, and short of releasing a homemade sex tape this is the best way you knew how. Open and shut case.

Best Hour and Half of TV Ever: The Last Cup: A Beer Pong Documentary

LAST CUP TEASER TRAILER from SACRED BULL MEDIA on Vimeo.

So I started watching this last night just as something to fall asleep to, hour and half later, I'm riveted, glued to the televsion, and frankly, a little sad it's all over.

I don't know exactly what I expected, but I certainly didn't expect an hour+ of the most compelling television I've seen this year, that's for sure. You've got the drama of competition, the semi-drunk people trying to give semi-serious interviews, and a bunch of socially inept people who obviously play beer pong daily in their parents basement (presumably with water, you know, just for practice) and take this shit wayyyyy to seriously.  For instance, meet Iceman:

Aside from being a dead Ringer for Jonah Hill (you know, back when he was fat an funny looking), he absolutely stole this show. The guy talks about Beer Pong the way novice Farmer Ray Kinsella talked about the Field of Dreams, such importance, such respect, so much admiration for the game and it's history.  He legit spent a few minutes talking about how he tutors younger players, and hopes he can impart his joy for the game on them, making their life all that much better. I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically or cry, it was equal parts hilarious and touching.

But at any rate, watching the whole documentary got me thinking, why doesn't someone run a beer pong tournament using the real rules that normal people use? You know, no elbow passed the table, no re-racking every single made cup (I was appalled), and no pulling cups (just as an added show of skill).  Is this something The Alt-Tab should be organizing? Maybe not a competitor to the World Series yet, but start out with some regional tournaments and grow this thing as the ballsy'er, true competition, as opposed to the mickey mouse version they're running out in Vegas right now? 

Dunkin Donuts Giving Out Free Coffee To Foxboro Residents Who Still Don't Have Power

FOXBORO (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Hurricane Irene left millions without electricity across New England. Many in Massachusetts are still in the dark. Tomorrow, Dunkin’ Donuts is doing its small part to give back to those who still have no power. The coffee chain, a New England favorite, sent out a tweet Wednesday afternoon to its followers saying. “Tell us if your town still has no power 4 a chance 2 receive a visit from a DD sampling truck 2mrw.” Later that night they tweeted, “Foxboro has spoken - @DunkinBoston will give free coffee tmrw at 16 Wash St. in Foxboro for residents w/out #DDpower 7-11am!” To those who have been without power for four days, this may be a small consolation. Nonetheless, it’s a free cup of coffee! Getting free stuff has a surprising power to boost spirits. If you’ll be in Foxboro tomorrow morning go grab yourself a cup between 7 and 11 a.m.!

Hey Dunks, thanks, it's nice that you're doing  your part, but seriously? Coffee is the last thing I need when I've had no power for days on end.  Like, America may run on Dunkin, but my tv, computer, lights, and video game systems don't. But that’s what I want, Coffee. I want to be wired when I’m bored out of my fucking mind. I drink coffee so I can get the most out of electricity, not to pass the time. Hell the only reason twitter exists is because of over caffeinated people trying to squeeze in a few more seconds of senseless communication and self promotion (guilty) into an already jam packed day.