Rees Witherspoon Tells Young Girls they Can Make it without Sex Tapes...Which is Horrible Advice

Fox News - Actress Reese Witherspoon proved to be a refreshing change during the network’s 2011 MTV Movie Awards on Sunday, when she sent some words of wisdom not only to her female fans, but her fellow screen stars too. “I get it, girls, that it’s cool to be a bad girl,” the 35-year-old told the audience as she accepted the MTV Generation Award at the Los Angeles-taped show. “But it is possible to make it in Hollywood without doing a reality show. When I came up in this business, if you made a sex tape, you were embarrassed and you hid it under your bed.” Are you listening Kim? Paris? “And if you took naked pictures of yourself on your cell phone, you hide your face, people!” Witherspoon continued. “Hide your face!”  The “Walk the Line” star then ended her speech by vowing to make “good” behavior a predominant Tinseltown trend. “So, for all the girls out there, it’s totally possible to be a good girl,” she urged. “I’m going to try to make it cool.”

Frigen Reese, all high and mighty, really took that role in Cruel Intention to heart huh? Prude.

We get it, you haven't had to show your cans to become famous, well good for you, but you're setting a terrible example for a lot of young girls.  Yea you made it with out flashing your tits or hoo-ha on film, but there are 1000's of other girls struggling every day in Hollywood, just trying to make ends meet who won't make it.  Maybe if they were more apt to agree to a "leaked" sex tape, or a few risque cell phone shots, things would turn out differently for them.

The real irony is these girls that you're lecturing about being modest and prudish are probably going to end up burnt out, failed actresses, forced into the only line of work they're qualified for...Prostitution, stripping, and if they're lucky, high end escort work.  There's only so long you can make it as extras in Tampax commericials, only so many failed casting calls you can go on, eventually you gotta pay the bills and you end up showing your tits anyway, except for less fame and less money.  

That's why I preach pro-active nudity.  Don't do it when you're down and out and desperate, do it early when you're in your prime, don't have C-section scars, and haven't had a few tummy tucks.  Take control of your career girls, its your future, shouldn't you be working hard to secure it?

Representative Weiner, America's Next Great President?

Fox News - Rep. Anthony Weiner faces an uncertain political future after the married New York Democrat admitted Monday in a stunning, nearly half-hour news conference that he had conducted "inappropriate" and sometimes explicit exchanges with six women he met online over the past three years. Weiner apologized, saying he is "deeply ashamed," but has no plans to resign. "This was me doing a dumb thing and doing it repeatedly and then lying about it," Weiner said. "And that's all there is." Weiner had claimed for days that his Twitter account had been hacked after a close-up underwear photo intended for a female college student in Seattle was posted publicly. That was a lie, he said Monday, explaining that he had "panicked" and created the story to conceal his actions.  The controversy erupted last week after a photo of somebody's bulging underwear was sent from his Twitter account to a Seattle college student. Weiner, who was frequently combative with reporters last week as they inquired about the image, repeatedly maintained he was hacked, though he wouldn't confirm whether the photo was an image of him.  Taking the podium on Monday, Weiner spoke far more bluntly.  "The picture was of me and I sent it," he said, adding that he intended to send it via a private message as a "joke."  Trying to explain his mindset, Weiner said he "panicked" after realizing he posted the photo to his account. He said he was "embarrassed" and "humiliated" and was trying to protect himself and his wife, so he made up a story about being hacked. Weiner said he has "not been honest" with himself.  "This was a mistake and I'm very sorry for it," he said.  The congressman admitted to having other "inappropriate conversations" with women over Facebook, Twitter, email and the phone. He said he exchanged "explicit" photos and messages with six women over three years, mostly -- but not entirely -- before he got married.

I can hear it now: "Weiner 2012, Weiner 2012, Weiner 2012!"

If there is one sure thing in American politics its that philandering Presidents make great leaders. It's true:

Thomas Jefferson - banging slaves left and right, don't know much about his politics but I have to believe being only the third president every counts for something.

James Garfield  - notorious ladies man, surely would have went onto great things had he not been shot in his first year, a philanderer cut down in his prime.

Warren G. Harding - Actually he's ranked as one of the worst presidents ever...probably banged a slew of ugly chics or something...bad ass name though.

Franklin Roosevelt - Probably the greatest President this countries ever seen.  Nailed sluts on the reg...his wife even had a few side pieces, even another chic.  The greatest correlation of swinging to leadership qualities we've got.

JFK - Sure he didn't last long, but his impact was felt.  Nailing every piece of cooze inside the beltway and launching an American Royal family all at the same time.

Bill Clinton- Choice in woman was questionable to say the least, fiscal policies unassailable.  Left the Whitehouse with gigantic economic surplus, which has since been squandered.

So bring on Rep. Weiner and his mad twit game.  This country needs a great leader, unafraid to go for what he wants and lie through his teeth to get it, and then proclaim his sorrow a few weeks later.  This guy is playing the game to perfection.

Mass DMV Worker Fired for Twitter Rants...He Got What Was Coming to Him

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A customer service representative at the RMV is out of a job for firing off a nasty rant on Twitter. According to the Boston Herald, Jaheel Robinson of Randolph reportedly sent out a stream of obscenity-filled insults towards his co-workers and bosses last week. Well the RMV brass wasn't impressed. Registrar Rachel Kaprelian called Robinson's Twitter posts "reprehensible." 

Tough, tough case here.  On the one hand, I'm not a huge fan of snooping bosses stalking people's lives on Twitter and Facebook while eating their microwaved dinners and watching Wheel of Fortune with their mom and cat...seems like you're just trying to bust your employees. 

Plus you gotta be allowed to vent some where, people don't talk face to face anymore, we throw that shit out on the internet like a flag and hope one of our e-friends with no life, who spends their day surveilling Facebook feeds, liking and commenting on everyone's status like it's their job, takes the time to comment on our day.  And this guy didn't even say anything that bad, he said "I just wanna yell fuck you to all these customers" and "bitch just told me I sounded unfriendly, #shesonhold."   Really nothing that bad, he aint calling anyone out by name, its all rather annonymous.  I'm on his side until this point.

But what throws me off his side is that he works at the god damn DMV.  Now I get that working at the DMV is no one's career choice as a kid.  The place is a cesspool.  But I have to believe with every bone in my body you'd rather be on the employee side of the counter than be the poor schmuck just trying to renew his license stuck sitting there for 2 hours between Ernesto, who smells like he's been here for two weeks straight trying to complete his immigration paperwork, and some guy who just goes by Klown, who's trying to get his license reinstated after a series of violent arrests.   I'm sitting here risking my life and olfactory senses and this guy has time to Tweet? Get the fuck out. 

It's bad enough average people have to put up with swollen lines, convicted criminals and all out incompentent people on both sides of the booth, but now I have to find out that this dick is Twittering while I'm suffering? No way, not anymore sir...and good luck getting your license renewed next time around...something tells me you'll be sitting there for a long, long time.

RMV employee fired for Twitter rant : MyFoxBOSTON.com

Wake Up With: The Most Dangerous Playground Equipment in the World

You know, kids these days get an awful lot of shit about how they're soft, they're pansies for not playing dodgeball, their "we're all winners" atmosphere, they're a bunch of momma's boys, etc, etc...And for the most part it's all their fault too, when I was 6 if the coach didn't know what the score was in YMCA tee-ball I would throw a shit fit.  "It's 8-6 us in the top of the 4th buddy, how about paying attention and doing your job before I go tell some of the parents there's been some inappropriate touching going on?" Sometimes you gotta take matters into your own hands kids.

Well this video goes a great length to disprove that notion about today's kids.  Back in my day we didn't have blatant death devices out on the playground, and I'll tell you another thing, I would have been scared as shit of using this thing unless I was the first person on that thing.

Anyone can go first when you don't know what the consequences are, but after seeing that first little twerp pound sand with his two front teeth I think I would have hesitated to give this thing a whirl.  But not the kid in this video, kid has serious balls.  Jumped right on there and rode that thing like a bull named fu-manchu....and then promptly asked his parents to take him to the chiropractors.

British Kid Hopes Doorbell that Rings your Cellphone will Deter Burglars

WHYTELEAFE, England – A British schoolboy was set to earn up to £250,000 ($410,000) after inventing a doorbell that fools burglars into thinking somebody is home at an empty property, The Mail on Sunday reported. Laurence Rook, 13, from Whyteleafe in southern England, is the inventor of Smart Bell. The device dials a homeowner's mobile phone when pressed, allowing the homeowner to talk to whoever is at their front door. The invention uses an inbuilt SIM card and existing cell phone technology, and emits a small amount of white noise to give any unexpected guest the impression that they are speaking to someone inside the house on an intercom system. Laurence has sold 20,000 of the devices and is finalizing a deal with a telecommunications company for a further 25,000 units. He stands to earn up to £250,000 from the deal. "At first I designed the idea because my mum was fed up going to the Post Office to collect deliveries made when we were not at home," he said. "When I started to develop the Smart Bell, I realized it could also be a great burglar-deterrent. Most opportunist burglars ring the doorbell first to see if anyone is at home, but Smart Bell has the perfect way to counteract this. If you are out and a burglar comes up to your door and rings the doorbell, after ten seconds Smart Bell will ring through to your mobile phone and you will be able to answer," he added.

 Don't get me wrong here, it's a pretty neat idea, and I'm totally jealous that some nose picking teenager is about to get rich,  but I just don't see how this is a deterrent to criminals?  Are robbers in England just more proper and polite than burglars here in America?  Seems like its expecting a lot out of a smash and grab criminal.

You're assuming that A) They'll ring the bell to make sure no one is home, and B)They'll hang out on your porch for 10 seconds until you can answer the door with your cell phone.  Neither seems likely. 

Think about it, what good can come from ringing a bell as a burglar?  What if they answer the door, how do you explain wearing all black with a woman's panty hose over your head as a mask? Good luck trying to pretend your a mormon spreading the world of Jesus Christ and the Latter Day Saints.  

And as for B, even if they did ring the bell, wouldn't they barge right in after no one answered, I mean how long do you think a man in a robbers outfit can hang out on a porch without getting noticed by neighbors.  They're not hanging out on your porch hoping to leave a voicemail, they're already in the house by the  time you answer the phone.

Plus I feel like this is asking your average citizen to be a lot more tech savvy than they really are.  I have a hard enough time getting my mom to pick up her cell phone on a regular basis, nevermind if someone was calling from her front door, she'd probably just go on ignoring that.  And what about grandparents? Like they're going to have any clue what's going on here? I can't even imagine the hilarity that would ensue when some 80 year old on his morning walk around the mall gets a call from some burglar at his front door. The poor robber would probably go insane just trying to get the guy to understand the situation, repeating himself over and over again so the guy can hear him, explaining how the technology works. It's enough to make any burglar snap. 

Orlando Gas Stations Charging $5.00+ Call Themselves "Charitable Organizations"

Orlando Sentinel - When Terrence Smith climbed out of his rental car at the Suncoast Energys gas station near Orlando International Airport on Friday, he couldn't believe the $5.79-per-gallon price displayed on the pump. The Atlanta man remembered paying about $3.65 at other stations during the week he vacationed with his wife in Orlando. "In Atlanta, you might see 15 or 20 cents more near the airport, but $2 is ridiculous," he said. Smith looked across the street at Sun Gas, but neither station had its prices displayed on the large signs drivers typically see. If they had, Smith would have found the same price across the street, among the highest in the country. Even though it's been a year since Orlando passed a law to force the two notoriously high gas stations closest to the airport to post their prices, there's still no way for potential customers to know the cost of a gallon of gas without pulling up to the pump. The stations' owners have refused to erect gasoline price signs visible to drivers. Thousands of dollars in fines and the threat of liens and foreclosure haven't worked, and the dispute is nowhere near over....The owners have said they are simply providing car renters with an alternative to the high fuel prices charged by rental-car companies at the airport. "Compared to what the rental-car companies charge, we're practically a charitable organization," Benitez said.

Get a load of these frigen assholes, huh? I'm not normally one of those annoying people who feel the need to bitch and moan and persecute gas station owners for raking profits and making a living, it's their business they charge whatever the hell they feel like it and good for them for running a successful business.  Do high gas prices suck? Yea they suck, they suck big time.  Do I fault the owners? Not one bit.  

Even an asshole charging $2 more per gallon than your average station is fine by me.  If he can get away with it, then good for him.  If you can't afford it take a bus. If I get to the point where my SUV is too costly I'll sell it for a vagina Prius or start taking the bus (and stocking up on hand sanitizer, bus people are for the most part gross).

But these guys, these guys crossed the line.  Calling themselves a charitable business, come on bro.  Charge me what you want, grin knowing that you're ripping me off, but don't throw me a fucking line about how you're doing me a favor.  I'd rather you come out and bust my balls, bragging about the yachts and miniature giraffes you're going to buy with the profits you're making off me, over taking the cowardly route and down playing your greedy practices. 

Have a spine guys.

Basque Separatists Stole My Grill at the USA-Spain Soccer Match

CW's Ultimate Tailgate Fantasy...Note the TV

Yep, that's right a group of extreme terrorists from Spain (the Basque's) stole my grill this weekend.  You'd think an international act of terror along those lines would be met with calls for war...you'd think. But as of yet no one from the State Department has called me to authorize any predator drone strikes or ask if I wanted to press charges against Spain or some shit.

The day started out innocent enough, even lucky if you will.  Blatantly ran a stop sign right in front of a cop first thing in the morning and was given a warning due to the proximity of my birthday (more on that later this week).  A fortuitous sign, I thought at the time (couldn't have been more wrong, USA got slaughtered, the Bruins choked, and the aforementioned terrorist strike happened).

We got to the parking lot, set up shop, shared a few beers and jokes with the guys next to us, made fun of Guatemalans and Mexicans for a while (serious question, why do Mexicans and Guatemalans root for Spain? Aren't they like snobs to Latin America? They use the Vosotros form for christsakes, you don't even share a language, grow a pair of nuts and stop grovelling to your former oppressors).   Late in the day as we packed up our shit to head into the game I tucked my grill under my car as I've done dozens of times before.  Thought nothing of it, there's a code amongst tailgaters, and it's pretty simple: "Don't steal shit that people leave outside their car."  That's it, real easy to follow.  

Well apparently not when there are Spanish terrorist groups present in the parking lot.  Returned to my car late after the Bruins game only to find that someone had crawled under my car and stole the grill.  SACRELIG!  Mind you the thing is useless as I had the starter and propane hook up in the car, but that's aside the point.  Some lawless group of terrorist motherfuckers broke the code.  Is there no honor amongst tailgaters anymore?  

The tailgate community is a harmonious, borderline utopian society, this kind of shit is not supposed to happen.  Shit, right after making fun of some guys for presumably being Guatemalan we shared shots out of their camel pouches.  That's the kind of society the tailgate is supposed to be about. 

Or at least it was, until someone invited the Basque Separatists to come piss on our party and steal my goddamn grill. 

Bright side: Totally looking forward to shopping for a new rig.

How Close Are you with Your Take Out Delivery Guy?

Pretty sure this is my delivery guy's dream.

I've got this one delivery guy who swears we've become best bros.  Now understand this isn't like my neighborhood sub or pizza shop either, this is a full on restaurant that just happens to do delivery, so it's not like I'm ordering once a week.  I order like once every month or so, but legit each time I call, as soon as I give my street to him he's like "Oh hey buddy, what's up?"  Which is cool I guess, guy throws in free side salads and extra sauces and shit for free, so its definitely beneficial to me, but it's just a little bit creepy, and I'm not sure how normal it is.  I mean the guy has literally delivered to hundreds of houses since the last time I called but he still knows me enough to know my street address? 

Like the guy legit shows up with my food, he'll toss me a sly wink when I tip him and say something like "hey I hooked you up with a few extra wet naps guy."  Umm thanks bro? Am I supposed to dap you now? I guess I just don't know how to respond to that, aren't you supposed to give me wet naps?  I feel bad about griping about it, he's a nice enough dude, but I just can't help but get the feeling that he's looking for me to invite him in for a Call of Duty session on the 360 or something.  All I want to do is crush my bacon cheddar burger, and this guy's looking to exchange gamer tags and friend me on Facebook.

I'm just really torn on how to feel about this.  Grateful because my charm and rep as a good tipper gets me perks like wet naps and extra sides of honey mustard? Or creeped out that this guy might start stalking my life in a Single White Female kinda way, except a dude version centered around a take out delivery guy?

Annoying Birthday Kid Hates his New Bike Present

See more funny videos and Funny Videos at Todays Big Thing.

Might as well change out that football t-shirt for something a bit more feminine dad.  I know you were really pushing for it it,  but if your kid cries at the sight of his first bicycle for a birthday present you can pretty much start looking into alternative lifestyles for kids. 

Little CW distinctly remembers getting his first bike and being unable to sleep the night before knowing that it was coming.  I didn't bitch and moan like this annoying kid either. I went right out there, learned how to ride, and then promptly started constructing jumps out of cinder blocks and plywood and falling on my ass.