Man Arrested for Public Masturbation Claims the Plaintiff Wasn't the Intended Victim

The Smoking Gun - Meet Paul Payton. The Louisiana man was arrested yesterday after a woman complained that he “exposed his genitals and began masturbating several different times.” Video of this affront--which allegedly occurred near a boat dock while Payton was seated in his Mitsubishi--was captured by the woman on her cellphone. When approached by a Monroe Police Department officer, Payton, 43, admitted to masturbating in public, according to a probable cause affidavit. But the suspect offered a curious justification: “The act,” he reported, “was intended for another female that was parked by the victim.” The affidavit does not further describe for whom the act was actually “intended,” or whether this other woman was aware (or desirous) of Payton’s gift.

Your honor, in fairness, my client wasn't even fantasizing about the plaintiff. He was whacking it to a whole other woman entirely, this is just an honest mistake.  Without intent this is 2nd degree public masturbation at best. 

And it's not like he was out there in the open, he was seated in the privacy of his car.  Who's this nosy lady who took it upon herself to film him like the Peeping Tom that she is?  Doesn't Louisiana have consent laws?  Because I doubt the dude was ok with some random taping him jacking off, seems like your ordinary average guy who's not into that kind of stuff.  I'd counter-suit her ass so fast.

Does Beyonce have Michael Jackson's Disease?

Beyonce? Is that you?

Caught this awkwardly horrible music video of Beyonce the other night, and didn't know what to think.  It legit took me about 3 minutes to figure out that it was indeed Beyonce.  I mean, am I crazy, or does Beyonce have the White? Like straight up MJ disease, except without Michael Jackson's caved in nose and leanings towards pedophelia (I assume).  She's even turning blonde, which I didn't think was part of the whole deal but apparently it is.

It's either that or she has a serious case of white pop star envy, just trying to emulate these other dance pop craze weirdo's that are all the rage these days, Ke$ha, Gaga, Katy Perry, and to some extent Britney.  But that just doesn't seem likely for someone with sooo much artistic integrity, I mean she wrote Single Ladies, no way she'd be jealous of Ke$sha, right?

So clearly Beyonce has the White. MJ disease strikes down another star in their prime.  Jay-Z must be wallowing in depression.

It's Not Always About You, Nancy Kerrigan.

WAKEFIELD - Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan has been involved in minor car accident in Wakefield just hours after attending her brother's manslaughter trial in the death of their father. Wakefield police said the accident happened on New Salem Street Thursday afternoon. No injuries were reported. A spokeswoman for Kerrigan said she had a problem with a loose tire on her car and "she's just fine."

Jesus, Nancy, attention whore much?  We get it, it's all about you..."why me, why me, why me."  It's the same  shit over and over again, it's getting old.  "Why did I get clubbed in the knee ruining my shot at Olympic gold', "why did my brother have to kill my father" , "why did I have to get in a car accident."  Talk about narcissism.  It's not all about you.

Sometimes people just get clubbed in the knee, it happens, not often in the figure skating world, but it does happen.  And sometimes fathers and sons bear hug each other to the death, and even more often than that people get in car accidents.  The difference is we don't all run out and use the national news media as our own personal diary like a teenage girl.  

We've all got issues Nancy, we've all metaphorically been clubbed in the knee, or had a family member murder another. Could you do us all a favor, and quit calling the news over these every day events?

Thanks.

Oklahoma Teens Lighting Each Other on Fire for Fun...Apparently this Worries Parents and Teachers

DEL CITY, Oklahoma -- Oklahoma teens are taking part in a disturbing trend… they are setting themselves and their friends on fire. Dozens of YouTube videos document the fad. Teens are spraying their skin with highly flammable body spray, then lighting it on fire. Some use the spray to make fireballs and throw it at each other. A source tells News 9, a Shawnee 8th grader tried the trick with disastrous results. The girl received third degree burns and has been out of school for several weeks. Teachers and school counselors are aware kids are trying this at home.   This trend is not just happening in Shawnee. A group of teens in Del City, say they have tried it before. Nat Palmer did it out of curiosity, " What can you say, we're just kids." "Unfortunately, most teenagers think they are bulletproof," said Dr. Herbert Meites, of the Integris Paul Silverstein Burn Center.

Uh, no Dr. Meites, they don't think they're bullet proof, they think they're fire retardant.  Try and keep up.  And for that matter, it kind of sounds like they are.  I mean no one has died a horrible death yet, right?  Sure there's that one girl who's never going to looks the same, but other than that no issues, right?

It's not like they're chugging 4Loko and dying or anything, it's just fire, everyone relax.  People have been playing with fire for eons and eons, ever since Cave-teenagers figured out that rubbing two sticks together and then flinging the resulting flames at each other was a wicked fun time (end result, Laser Tag, thank you cave teenagers, thank you.).

Plus, like the dude said, just kids being kids.  Sometimes you just have to learn by doing.  There's only so often you can tell your kid that fire is hot before you have to just let him light his pantleg on fire and figure it out on his own. 

Financial Information for Massachusetts Unemployed Hacked...What a Waste of Hackers Time

Boston Globe - The personal financial information of up to 210,000 unemployed Massachusetts residents may have been stolen in a data breach caused by a virus discovered in state labor department computers four weeks ago, officials said yesterday. Names, addresses, and Social Security numbers, among other data, may have been taken, said John Glennon, chief information officer for the Massachusetts Executive Office of Labor and Workforce Development. The number of affected recipients is probably a small fraction of the total number of potential victims, according to Glennon. The virus attempted to transmit confidential information to digital thieves, he added, but it was not clear how much, or even whether, any data was successfully stolen.

Not to be crass here, but I don’t think the hysteria is necessary.  I mean these are people on the unemployment list, right? What is someone going to do with their social security number? Get denied for a bank loan? Hack their emptied account? 

If ever there was a time for your shit to get hacked, when you're on unemployment is it. Plus if you’re newly unemployed this is your chance to strike it rich.  Get down to some ATM  you’ve never used before (drive out of state, we know you’ve got nothing else to do, you’ve got no job) and withdraw everything you’ve got.  Go home, claim fraud and you’re set.  You’ve just doubled your net assets without breaking a sweat.

Walmart Blames Falling Profits on Rising Gas Prices...Which Makes No Sense at All

Could be the gas prices, could also be the beached whales napping in your stores.

WSJ - Wal-Mart Stores Inc. Chief Executive Mike Duke reaffirmed the company's commitment to get U.S. sales back on track, but said customers are increasingly finding it hard to spend. There is "more pressure today than a year ago" on Wal-Mart's core customers, Mr. Duke said at an executive breakfast sponsored by The Wall Street Journal. (News Corp. owns The Wall Street Journal.) Customers continue to do heavy shopping at the beginning of the month when paychecks come in, but buying tapers off after that, showing they are already struggling. Consumers are now further pressured by rising fuel costs.

Yea, keep dreaming guys.  Dwindling sales and profits can't really be blamed on the gas crisis (yea, I've personally elevated it to the status of crisis) in this case.  People should be flocking to one stop shopping centers, specifically discount retailers, like Walmart during a period of gas inflation.  The less stops you have to make the better.  

May want to go back to the drawing board guys, could be because of rising gas prices, but its more likely your merchandise may suck and your clientele makes shopping in your stores undesireable for the every day, sanitary, human being.

If I have a choice of paying a few cents more at Target to shop in somewhat of a civilized setting I'll take it any day of the week. Clean it up guys, maintain some level of decency and order in your stores and maybe people will come back.  If I have to keep navigating unruly children who've been dropped off to your store as a form of day care, while dodging Land Monsters dressed in impossibly tight sweat pants and T-shirts 1 size too small I'm going to continue shopping elsewhere, even if it costs me more in gas.

Politicians Ask, Should there be a Driving Tax...Umm There Already is, Like 4 of them Actually.

NEW YORK - Lawmakers in Washington are pondering a new idea to help raise funds to fix highways and infrastructure. The national driving tax -- officially known as a "vehicle miles traveled" tax -- would charge motorists by the mile, CNN reported. The tax could either replace the current 18.4 cent a gallon federal gas tax or add to it. The current gas tax that funds the federal government's efforts to build and maintain highways is not generating enough money because greater fuel economy is letting motorists drive more miles using less gas. There's currently no bill proposing such a tax, but lawmakers are looking into it. Since motorists are already paying near-record gas prices, the driving tax could be a tough sell. A similar idea was proposed by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick in 2009. Patrick wanted to use GPS chips in vehicles to charge people for the miles they drive. The plan is s called a “Vehicle Miles Traveled” program and would replace the gas tax by 2014.

Umm, WHAT?!  So what exactly does my gas tax count as? Or the excise tax, or buying new tires every time one of the  pot holes that the state didn't use my afforementioned taxes on to fix blows a tire, or toll booths, registration fees, License renewal fees, and State Inspection fees.  Do those not all count as taxes on driving?  

Should there be a tax on driving? How about go fuck yourself for even bringing this up.  I'm going to come down to the State House with a big sign that just says fuck you if this makes it to the vote.  

How about we tax you for being government hacks?  No, your income tax, real estate tax, and whatever else you pay isn't enough. We just need to tax you for existing and going about your day just like this would for the average normal person.  Pricks.  

 

Here's an idea, cut pensions, make public workers work until they're 65 like the rest of us, revamp medicare and social security, and stop padding government contracts, and for the love of God stop funding Pakistan.  If you've done all that, then come talk to me about additional driving taxes...Oh yea, and shut down the $7 billion loss of a toilet that is the US Post Office.  Sorry the days where an army of men riding on horses delivering letters being necessary has long passed, stop wasting our money.

Mother Run's Down Daughter with Car In Walmart Parking Lot (with video footage!)

ABC - A mother in Sandusky is facing charges, accused of running over her 19-year-old daughter in a Walmart parking lot. Police say Michelle Touma was fighting with her daughter Emily before the incident. Surveillance video shows the girl getting out of the car and hitting the hood. Then mom pulls forward, clipping the teen. Officers say the mom claims she was going to drive by with her window down and smack her daughter in the head in retaliation for striking the vehicle. Instead, Michelle knocks Emily to the ground, runs over the girl's foot, then gets out of the car. Area mothers say kids need discipline, but not that kind. "That's outrageous. That's your child. No matter what they did or said you shouldn't react like that," said one mother. The teen was treated for her injury and released. As for her mom, she's charged with aggravated vehicular assault and domestic violence.

Just because I'm starting to feel compelled to bring you any random events or happenings at Walmart at this point...

Someone might want to coach the mother on lines to use when being questioned with the cops in the future.  I kind of feel something along the lines of "my foot got stuck on the gas," would have been better than "I swerved to smacker her in the head out my window and accidentally ran her over."  I'm just not sure that defense will play well with a jury.


PS: Safe to say whatever they were arguing over, the teen won, right? I mean once your mom runs you over in a public parking lot I'd imagine she's pretty much wrapped around your finger for a while.

I thought Boston's Public Transportation Sucked, Boarding A Bus in Russia Requires a Machine Gun

I'm gonna go ahead and assume that the usual bus fare was waved, and you know what, I think I'm ok with that.

Wow, and I thought catching a cab after a night of drinking otuside Faneuil Hall was a bitch.  Life's hard as hell over there in mother Russia.  Gotta pull a sub-machine gun just to board public transportation?  Maybe we should be bitching just a bit less about the MBTA after seeing this. 

PS: LOVE the guy in the back seat who just waved at him once he shouldered his weapon.  Just a casual hello, like they share the same commute each day, just crazy Boris being Boris.