Even Local Politicians Take Shots at Jay Cutler

Congrats Jay, Today there is one less guy on the internet throwing body blows your way.

Fox News - He seems like a perfectly nice guy, even has a foundation for underprivileged kids and others suffering from diabetes. But as quarterback for Chicago, he’s expecting to get tousled by Green Bay Packers fans, and that's exactly what's happening to QB Jay Cutler, who twice in two days has been caught in the Wisconsin Senate race crossfire.  I want to thank you all for inviting me to speak. It was especially gracious of you to host me, even though I’m a Packers fan and I assume most of you are Bears fans," Ryan began. "But that doesn't mean we can't work together. As chairman of the House Budget Committee, I stand ready to do whatever it takes to help you re-sign Jay Cutler. I'm here to talk about the economy today -- about the need to get four quarters of strong, consistent performance. That wasn't another Jay Cutler joke, I swear. It could be, but it's not," he continued.  "Republicans would be better off with Jay Cutler as their candidate in Wisconsin. Cutler has at least helped the Green Bay Packers win a Super Bowl, while Tommy G. Thompson has spent the last decade doing the bidding of the Bush administration and his special-interest clients at his lobbying firm," Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee spokesman Matt Canter said, referring to the controversy surrounding Cutler's injury during the NFC championship game this year. The Packers defeated the Bears in the game.

Jesus, guy can't catch a frigen break huh?  Football fans everywhere hate him, and now apparently even his hometown politicians are bashing him in session.  This kind of crossover hate appeal has never been seen before. Granted its not the kind of popularity you'd ideally want, but its crazy all the same.  

I mean the poor guy legit can't vote in a state election without getting hassled.  And this is from people who spent the last decade rooting for the likes of Rex Grossman, Kyle Orton, and then Rex Grossman again.  Those guys sucked. I mean really, really sucked. Yet people still hate Cutler more.

I've never been a Cutler fan, always seemed like a bit too much of a whiny bitch to me, "oh come on guys give me a break, I have diabetes, etc..." but enough is enough.  There is only so much a guy can take before he snaps.  So today is a banner day for the Tab (yea I say that a lot, we have a lot of banner days that never get followed up on), as we're adopting Jay Cutler as the official player of The Alt-Tab.  

I bitch, whine, complain and act like an asshole just about every day on here, it makes sense to have an official player who seems to have kindred spirit and embodies these same traits.  Congrats Jay, I'm sure you're thrilled.  

By the way, if anyone knows Jay's Twitter handle, be sure to pass on the message.

Kim Jong Il is Gangsta, North Korea Stepping Up Their Heroin Production

Fox News - Pinched by tightening economic sanctions and faced with what might become a contentious transition of power, North Korea is ramping up production of one of its key foreign currency generators -- heroin.  When satellite photos were released last week by Amnesty International showing the rogue nation’s prison camp system, some analysts were surprised by the expansion of agricultural lands around the camps.  “What was really surprising,” one satellite analyst, who studied the images but asked not to be identified, said, “was how farming acreage on the land around the Yodok camp had expanded. These are poppy fields and have been since we first looked at the camp in 2001.”  That assessment was underscored by Chuck Downs, executive director of the Committee for Human Rights in North Korea, who said that the regime's military, which runs the camps and the nation’s illicit heroin production, “do not allow food production by prisoners because they would steal it. They would rather grow drugs.” Downs said that the increase is the result of the bite of trade sanctions that are beginning to devastate the nation's economy and the need to quickly replace the hard currency lost to sanctions. Of particular importance to the regime was the sale of missiles and arms abroad, which accounted for a large proportion of foreign income, but the 2006 trade embargo has vastly curtailed those sales.

Kim Jong Il is gangsta as a motha.  I had no idea this was who we were dealing with.  "Oh you'll slap sanctions on me so I can't sell guns and missiles and shit? No big deal, I'll just have my farmers grow more heroin and have my foreign diplomats slang that shit from their embassy's. Diplomatic Immunity!"

At least that's what I figure he said. Make no mistake, this guy is probably the most successful oppressive dictator in the last 50-60 years.  Here's a country who's main export for the last 20 years has been guns and drugs, that won't let its citizens grow food on their farms in fear that they're so hungry they'll just steal and eat it, and yet there is no revolt, no uprising to speak of like we're seeing in Northern Africa and the Middle East.  

It's unbelievable.  This guy would have been the best slave driver in American history if he lived during that time.  The Il's would have been as rich as the Carnegies and the Rockefellers.

Denver Strip Club Invites 13 Year Old to Celebrate Osama's Death With Free Beer and Titties

DENVER - Matt Warta calls it "inappropriate." He says his 13-year-old son received a text message advertising the Diamond Cabaret strip club. The text message looks like it was sent to a long list of cell phone numbers and is inviting military personnel to stop by the strip club for free cover and free drinks. "I just finished my lacrosse practice and I looked at my phone," Jack Warta, 13, said. "It asked me if I wanted to come and celebrate Osama bin Laden's death with free cover and free drafts. It was kind of confusing." Warta showed the text to his dad, who says he was "shocked." "You'd like to think you can protect your child from those kind of things," Matt Warta said. "As a parent, that's really frustrating." "There's enough stuff out there that pollutes their minds," Matt Warta said. "That's the last thing we want to do is use a personal device like a cell phone to send those messages to them." "Why would you send a 13-year-old a text message asking them to come to a strip club and give them free beer and alcohol?" Jack asked. "It's just wrong."

Let me ask you this, Dad, Why not? Huh? Just a chance to celebrate a piece of American history. Free booze, tits, and Osama bin Laden's death.  I've honestly never heard of anything more patriotic.  This should be a standard 4th of July celebration.

Also, hey kid, you're never going to get ahead in life, so good luck with that.  Showing your dad text messages from the strip joint? Mr. Popularity in school I'm sure.  You're 13, you're supposed to show that shit to your friends and brag about how cool you are and how you almost got in.  Not show it to your parents.  Your Dad probably had a good laugh at your expense with his buddies when he went down to the strip club to "speak with someone" and ended up ripping shots and taking lap dances from some of the patriotic ladies of the Diamond Cabaret.  

And finally, I think everyone needs to keep in mind this is the 21st century, this kid getting a text message from a strip club is nothing.  If you're outraged by that you'd better not peek on his e-mails spam box.  Just offers for porn and male enhancement drugs as far as the eyes can see.  Kid could probably pull up a live feed of the Osama bin Laden's Dead/American Titties celebration on his computer if he wanted to.  

Love how the reporter clearly go the same message on his cell phone.

Trump's Not Running for President. Sadly, I Never Saw that Coming.

(CNN) - Real estate mogul and television celebrity Donald Trump, who generated a media publicity blitz by saying he might run for president in 2012, announced Monday that he will instead remain a businessman...With his typical bravado, Trump maintained that he would have won the Republican primary and the general election, but recognized that "running for public office cannot be done half-heartedly."


Game, set, match, Obama.


What a prick. I feel had.  I supported this bastard right out of the gate, and for what? Obama's birth certificate?  Any moron with half a sense knew he was an American.  He's the President of the United States for godssakes.  I'm pretty sure someone checked into this soundly before they swore him in.


Let this be a lesson to everyone, if it smells like a used car salesman, it is a used car salesman.  Sure Trump's used cars may be '09 Bentley's and Rolls' but they're used all the same.


It's too bad though, he was just getting a hang of the politician game, check out some of these quotes:


I maintain the strong conviction that if I were to run, I would be able to win the primary and ultimately, the general election. I have spent the past several months unofficially campaigning and recognize that running for public office cannot be done half heartedly. Proper political bullshit for "My campaign went up in flames when Obama sniped that terrorists ass during my number 1 rated tv show.

I will continue to voice my opinions loudly and help to shape our politician's thoughts. Well, nothing political here really, just stating that he'll continue to be loud and obnoxious as always, but he stated it rather eloquently this time, don't you think?

My ability to bring important economic and foreign policy issues to the forefront of the national dialogue is perhaps my greatest asset and one of the most valuable services I can provide to this country. Classic politicians move, putting high value to a claimed skill that's nearly impossible to actually quantify.  Bravo Mr. Trump, Bravo. 

I will also continue to push for job creation, an initiative that should be this country's top priority and something that I know a lot about.    Code for "I don't really care about any of this shit, I'm rich as hell and have never had a real job a day in my life, but my speech writers asked me to sprinkle in some of these key political words to make me sound like a man of the people and not a delusional billionaire.

Guy Who Wrote Go the F--ck to Sleep May Want to Consider Just Getting His Kids Liquored Up.

(CNN) -- Adam Mansbach's toddler wasn't thirsty. She wasn't hungry. And she definitely didn't need Dad to make up another story about farm animals having a picnic and dozing off. The possibility that he would never get to leave her room for dinner or a glass of wine or the world outside became a distinct possibility.
The noted author didn't keep his feelings to himself. Instead, he turned his frustration into writing "Go the F**k to Sleep," a tongue-in-cheek adult bedtime book that has swept the Internet and has already hit No.1 on the Amazon bestseller list a month before its June 14 publication date. Illustrator Ricardo Cortés captures the colorful mood of Mansbach's poetry.

The cubs and the lions are snoring,Wrapped in a big snuggly heap.How come you can do all this other great sh*tBut you can't lie the f**k down and sleep?


The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest
And the creatures who crawl, run and creep.
I know you're not thirsty. That's bullsh*t. Stop lying.
Lie the f**k down, my darling, and sleep.

Here’s the thing, it doesn’t have to be like this.  As a parent, don’t you just hit a line where maybe you start giving your kid a splash of hooch in their dinner milk? Nothing strong, maybe just a  finger of kaluha, or maybe blue curacao and just tell them it’s the new kool aid flavor.  As a last resort just toss them half a cup of Nyquil or something.


I mean I know that may sound taboo, but to the point where you’re writing profanity laced childrens books, does it really F—cking matter?  And don’t think that kid isn’t going to figure out what those dashes are.  Kids play hangman. And When kids play hangman the clues are almost exclusively two categories. 1) Tv shows, 2) dirty cuss words they just learned they want to share with their friends. 

RIP M. Bone. Teaching White Guys to Dance One Dougie at a Time. You'll be Missed

Los Angeles (CNN) -- Rapper M-Bone of the group Cali Swag District died Sunday night in what police said was a drive-by shooting in his hometown, Inglewood, California. M-Bone, whose real name was Montae Talbert, was sitting in a car in the 400 block of North LaBrea Avenue when a car pulled up next to his and someone fired two rounds that struck the rapper in his head, Inglewood Police Lt. Steve Overly said Monday. Talbert, 22, died later at a hospital, Overly said. Preliminary reports on the model of car that was involved have not been confirmed, he said... Cali Swag District's biggest hip-hop hit came in 2010 with the song "Teach Me How to Dougie." Greg Miller, the rap group's representative, said Talbert was "the victim of a random act of violence." The rapper "was an inspiration to his family, friends and fans," Miller said. "He was a hardworking, passionate artist and dancer who will be sorely missed."

RIP to the great man who taught us all how to Dougie.  A cool dance that white guys were actually able to pull off with some degree of success.  A true hero.  We'd long suffered just going with the standard three moves: The dice move, the macarena, and the college kid just kinda bouncing around in a dark club hoping no one notices that he has no idea what he's doing.  The Dougie instantly changed all that. 

At times like these one has to ask why?  Why take such a young visionary?  If one bubble gum pop hip-hop act was going to be taken from us why couldn't it have been Soulja Boy? No one really likes him anyway.

If there's one silver lining through all this, it's knowing that M. Bone is up there Dougie'ing with all the greats, Marvin Gaye, Elvis, Fat Joe, and of course, the Greatest Mac of all, JC.  Plus I'm guessing heaven needed him more than we did.  If it's anything like church up there (and I think it is), Heaven's a pretty stiff joint.  It's about time they got someone up there to loosen up the place, just Dougie it out through eternity. 

Rick Springfield Arrested for DUI and Threatening Cops Life

Fox News - Rick Springfield threatened to kill a deputy sheriff and the deputy's family the night he was arrested for drunk driving, yet there is no mention of the incident in the arrest report, law enforcement sources tell TMZ. Sources tell us Springfield was extremely angry after the deputy said his $200G 1963 Corvette Stingray would be towed away. Law enforcement sources tell us, Springfield yelled to the deputy, "If you tow my car, I will f**king kill you and your family. Law enforcement sources tell us back at the Malibu/Lost Hills Sheriff's Station, the captain who runs the station asked the deputy, "Did you really feel threatened?" Our sources say some of the deputies at the station felt it was a loaded question, trying to minimize Springfield's statement. In the end, our sources say there was no mention of the threat in the arrest report -- the report merely says Springfield was "belligerent." LA County Sheriff's Dept. spokesman Steve Whitmore tells TMZ, "It is rare when a drunk doesn't say something outlandish to police when they're arrested. I have no idea what went down with this one, I wasn't there, but drunks are notorious for saying stupid, outlandish things to law enforcement all the time. Law enforcement's job is to get them off the streets, because they're drunk."

God damnit this is disappointing.  No, I'm not some huge Rick Springfield fan who's saddened by his fall from grace.  It upsets me as a blogger because I continue to think Rick Springfield is the same person as Rick Astley.  I had this whole blog idea ready to go and you all were going to get Rick-rolled like you'd never been rolled before. So imagine my dumbfoundedness when I rolled over to Youtube and couldn't find a single Rick Springfield rendition of Never Gonna Give You Up. I was crushed, didn't stop me from going with the same blog idea anyway, but crushed all the same (I also have a sneaking suspicion this happens to Springfield all the time, probably pestered by morons like myself on the street asking him to recite a bar or two of the song. No wonder the guy was pushed to getting sloshed and driving around town, he's being mistaken for a no-talent ass clown).

So I guess I'll just comment on the story itself? I don't have too much to add here, but it is completely refreshing that the Malibu Police understand that drunk people say drunk things.  You already bagged the guy on the DUI, you've done your job, of course he's going to threaten to sodomize you and kill your family, that's part of the gig, no need to punish him additionally.  Props for some common sense for once.

Now to the video...

We're Entering A Weird Age in Parenting Thanks to Facebook

Go here for other great examples of Facebook parenting.

Wow, that Dad kinda just laid it all out there for his unborn Fetus there, didn't he?  "Like way to lay it on heavy Dad, want me to decide who gets custody while I'm still in here too? I'm kinda leaning towards mom right now, you know due to the whole umbilical chord life support issue and the free breast milk, but maybe we can talk about this in a year or so when I'm more of a real person."

Shit, good luck to this kid.  I feel like we're entering into a very strange period in time for parenting, where parents who are waayyyy to into social networking (read dorks) are so anxious to pick up another friend or Twitter follower that they're creating digital lives pre-birth for their kids.  Just a strange, strange thought process.

I legit saw one mom live blogging the shit out of her first child's birth.  Just status updates on Facebook like every 20 minutes, "I'm 6 centimeters dialated" , "He's Crowning!" , "Man my vagina will never be the same."  People realize there are just somethings no one needs an update on, right? Like how about just sending out a mass text once the kid is out of you and we'll bring you some chocolate cigars and flowers and stuff like usual.  I really don't need mobile upload pics of the placenta haunting my nightmares.

Now this freaks me out for two reasons.  One, really? This is what you want for your kids? Instant exposure to the internet.  That's just terrible parenting.  I know everyone thinks the internet is a great tool, its the future, blah, blah, blah.  Horseshit.  There are like 5 good sites worth going to for news and entertainment purposes, that's it (and this one isn't even one of them, you're literally wasting your time here).  The rest of the internet is filled with pedophiles, porn, online gambling, sex slave trade, and blogs dedicated to making fun of unborn fetuses for the horrible and unlucky life they're about to have (that's where we fit in).  

And two, because if that frigen pre-infant has more twitter followers or facebook friends than The Alt-Tab, well I'm going to just straight lose it.  It's embarrassing enough that I'm disappointed when an obvious spammer is booted off Twitter because it means my follower numbers are taking a hit, I don't need some gooey fetus out friending me too.  So if you're reading this and have a Twitter, hit the button up to the right, or the follow on facebook icon and help a desperate blogger out.

Potential Porn Titles Found in bin Laden's Stash

Fox News - A stash of pornography was found in the Pakistani compound of Usama bin Laden raided last week by Navy SEALs, U.S. officials told Fox News. The pornography taken from the compound, first reported by Reuters, is said to have included modern, electronically recorded video and is described as fairly extensive.

So apparently this is the hot news out of the bin Laden compound these days, Osama's been whacking it despite multiple wives/concubines.  Here's the big question, what were the titles of his films? Like I'm sure he wasn't watching the same American porn that college kids in their dorm are watching every day.  Had to be some kinda crazy jihad shit, right?  Can't imagine Ass Crammers 18 or Young Wet Sluts 89 doing it for bin Laden.  So while many people have already speculated on the possible movie titles in his collection, I've gathered a few of my favorites I've heard so far.  Feel free to drop a comment with additional ones I may be overlooking:

• Talibuns (all about big ass muslims)
• Whora-Bora (from the pic above, so simple, yet so good)
• Weapons of Mass Buttfucktion (a CW original)
• Poonjab Poontang 65
• Oral Qaeda (my personal favorite)
• No Fatwa Chics
• Hajji Handjobs
• Allahs Anal Adventure (Yea, this one's a bit offensive, its also hysterical)
• Osama bin Loaden (home movies, another CW original)

I think I can speak for most 20 something male Americans and say screw the kill shot pictures, I just want to know the official list of titles in a terrorists porn collection.