What is with the Crowd At Barbershops?

With 50 Cent surprisingly moving down my list of People I Hate the pole position is now up for grabs.  I considered opening it up to this group but realized hate my be a bit too much.  Strongly dislike would be the way I'd describe the crowd you see at a Barbershop while you wait to get "yer hair did."  And its not just at my current Barber's either.  I've gone to three distinctly different barbers since graduating from Super Cuts back in the 8th grade, each of them attracting a different crowd, each equally despised by yours truly. 

First- The old man barbershop (pictured above).  My first barber was an older Italian Gent, great guy, could spin a yarn like no one else.  Problem was all the stories took place 20+ years ago (when it was apparently a simpler time).  A place like this predictably attracts the older crowd reminiscing about their first "hook ups" back 30-40 years ago, and vintage cars, then there was always the 20 something kid who wanted desparately to be  an old man and fit in with everyone there, I never understood that mind set.  Who wants to be old?  Definitely not my crowd.  Didn't hate the people, but I always felt like I needed a glass of warm milk and a nap after leaving the place. 

Second- My second barbershop was frequented while away at college.  This place was your stereotypical Latin/Black barbershop, and the cast of characters looked like something right out of a hip hop video. Speaking in different languages or slang that my friends and I were too white to understand this was like stepping into a different world (its important to note we chose this place because it was cheap and right down the street, this wasn't a case of some college kid struggling with his racial identity, I'm secure in my whiteness).  There was a sign in sheet to track the order of people who came in, this in my experience was useless.  As if trying to make up for generations of racial biases my friends and I were repeatedly dropped behind whoever walked in off the street despite our names being on the list for hours. It literally would take 2 hours to get a cut sometimes.  Safe to say I hated this place.  

Third- My current barbershop.  Urban but with a distinctly white feel, the problem is when I walk in I feel like I'm the only one that holds a real job and didn't get into a brawl in the past week.  I have no idea where these kids all come from, but they're typically 18-22 years old, speak in general terms like "I'm so glad I'm not in school anymore, who needs an education," or "my parents are always on me about what time I'm going to be home, I'm 19 years old, I'm an adult" or my favorite "we got in this wicked brawl last week, Marky got booted in the head."  These are the kids that throw $20 at a fade each week so they can continue hooking up with whatever Walking STD Townie Girl they're currently into.  Comical? Yes.  Eye opening? Also yes.  Enjoy your career as a day laborer, and I hope you get the most out of that Infinity now, when its repossessed in a couple months for defaulting on your loan you'll be back to driving the kind of shit box you can expect to own the rest of your life. 

50 Cent Snow Shoveling Service

50 Cent Hustling For Extra Cash, Shoveling Snow - Rapper 50 Cent was determined to get rich or die shoveling Monday after a gigantic year-end blizzard dumped heavy snow on the whole East Coast, and he enlisted a posse of neighborhood kids to help him with his latest business venture. “I’m going out to shovel snow and see if I can make me a few extra dollars today. I’m charging more if they want to take pictures,” the millionaire MC tweeted on the day of the blizzard. “I want a hundred dollars per house. I bet anybody ill make a grand moving snow today.” He found some young employees, whom he hired at a generous $30 an hour, and put his business savvy to work. “One is a cute kid he has on a snow suit. So I’m sending him to ring the door bell to ask if we can shovel there snow,” he wrote. “When you look at his eyes its hard to tell him no … then I come to tell them how much they have to payus.”

Does this mean I have to like 50 Cent now?  For years the guy has been at the very top of my people I hate list.  It was hate at first sight ever since Shawty It's Your Birthday (please note I honestly don't care if that isn't the "official" title) became a smash hit.  I knew instantly as I walked into my friends dorm and saw the video, listened to its moronic lyrics, and heard the artists ridiculously dumb name, that I'd have a lifetime of hating pleasure to work with. 

But now this? 50 teaching kids work ethic and entrepreneurship through hard labor?  Shit.  A part of me wants to bash him for using child labor, but that would be the obvious route to go, and honestly my heart wouldn't  be in it.  And at first I was appalled at the idea that this guy needed to go charge $100 a house to shovel, why not send over whatever plow service you use as a holiday gift? But then I read on and saw that he was paying the kids off at $30 an hour, so again, I can't fault him there.  I guess 50 Cent is...gulp...a good guy?

I think I'm going to take it slow here.  I can't rush my feelings, I've had such a strong hatred for him for so long, a change of opinion will take some time.  I'm going to start by following him on Twitter (you can follow me @TheAltTab), and maybe try and not make a snarky comment every time I hear his name mentioned.  We'll see how it goes.  I can gaurantee you that I will not support his music career though. 

One last dig for nostalgias sake:

I bet anybody ill make a grand moving snow today.

I figured an experienced drug dealer with a past like his would make much more than a grand a day pushing coke, no?

So Tired of Hearing About the Blizzard of 78

Last Snowstorm related post, I swear

Just a general message to the real adults amongst us (age 35+).  Stop romanticizing the blizzard of 78.  Every time it snows it is not a chance for yourself or news anchors to speak breathlessly about the events that took place that snowy February day.  It wasn't even the biggest storm this area has faced!  That came in 2003, hell I'd even argue that a freak 25 inches on April 1st 1997 was even more ridiculous, it was APRIL!  So seriously, its time to wipe this storm from your snow day lexicon of old, overused stories.  Move on.   You didn't walk up hill both ways to school, it didn't take you weeks to dig out, and it wasn't the biggest storm we've ever seen. 

Signed,

People Born After 1975

Ironic Snow Man

You just know this was made by some non-conformist hipster, gotta love them.

Guy Brings an Iphone to a Knife fight

Guy Holds Up Store with Iphone - An accused would-be restaurant robber had a change of heart Wednesday, after cooks at the establishment grabbed knives to defend themselves.  Police said Jerome Taylor, 20, wore a mask as he entered the Northern Indian restaurant on State Street Wednesday afternoon.  He pulled what the cooks thought was a gun and demanded money, according to police. But the cooks grabbed knives and said they weren't handing anything over. At that point, Taylor became apologetic and told the cooks he was only kidding and that he needed money for his child, police said. Taylor was gone by the time police arrived, but they caught up with him a short time later. Officers said Taylor confessed to the crime, but told them he didn't have a gun, but used an iPhone.

What gives Steve Jobs? Where's the app for that?  Shits not this guys fault. If you tell us there's an app for everything there better damn well be an app for everything, otherwise you're going to run into this kind of situation.  Just another case of a fairly standard application missing from the Iphone.

This guy should be living it up down in the West Caymans with the $175 he should have made off with, just I-chatting away while sipping a Pina Colada.  Instead he's locked up in Sing-Sing making collect calls from a pay phone, wondering why he ever trusted Jobs and his Apple Marketing Machine.  Damn.

Things I Hate About Snow Storms.

1.  Assholes that have been going around saying they can't wait for snow.  These pricks.  Love to toss out in conversation how they ski and snowboard, like its some kind of revered hobby.  They realize that we live a good two hours from any respectable mountain right?  Like I'm sure there is snow on the mountain when its not snowing in Boston.  No need to wish misery on everyone elses life.   And I can think of plenty of smarter things to do than wakeing up at 5 AM, cleaning off my car, packing my car with skis and snowboards, driving anywhere from 2-4 hours, getting dressed, forking over $75+, and riding down a hill in the freezing cold.  For example, I'd rather sleep in, have some coffee and breakfast in front of the TV, clean my car off later in the day, go down the street and go snow tubing for free, return home for spiked hot chocolate, and cap it off by watching TV.

2.  The slew of inevitable first year workers that are going to call out today because their cars are buried.  Newsflash, this isn't college or highschool anymore.  The real world goes on when it snows.  This wasn't some freak surprise storm either, heard about it all week, you knew it was coming.  Not my fault you stupidly thought you'd be able to shovel yourself out 5 minutes before you usually go to work, don't expect me to pick up your slack because of your ignorance.

3.  Plowmen.  I've shoveled out my car 3 times since last night.  Odds that I go back out there and I'm plowed back in? Strong to Pretty Strong.  Mind you I'm in a parking lot, not some commoner on the street.  The guy saw me out there slaving away this morning clearing out my car, but I'll put $20 on it right now that there is a gigantic pile of snow back behind my car as I'm typing this.  I really hope that's not true, I really don't want to be the star of the Blizzard of O-Ten's first homicide story.  

4.  News stations.  We get it, we've been through blizzards and Nor'easters before.  We understand that the Boston area will get a little less than west and north of the city, and the assholes on the Cape will only get rain.  We don't need 20 reporters out there in their winter gear picking up snow and telling funny (not so funny) little anecdotes about the snow, or the obligatory interview with the state plowmen in front of a gigantic salt or sand pile.  Oh really? The plows are working hard to clear the roads, what a novel concept.  And thank you so much for the hard hitting news that the roads are a mess.  I just assumed when we get 12-20 inches of snow the roads will be perfectly fine.  The worst part is these guys take over the regularly scheduled programming.  Who the hell is sitting at home hoping for a 5 hour broadcast solely on the snow storm? What genius came up with this plan.  It's like a sick joke every blizzard, like all the local station producers get together and wager on who can report on the snow storm the longest without alienating their viewer base. 

I'm sure I'm forgetting some, but I'm in a rush assuming I have to get back out there and shovel again before work.  If I missed any or you have any gripes you'd like to air feel free to drop them in the comments section.

Snow Storm Makes Me Wish I Was A Hair Dresser

This made me laugh after shoveling for over an hour at the crack of dawn this morning.  Is there even a need to report that hairdressing school is closed? Do you really think these high school drop outs even considered getting up to shovel out their car this morning?  There isn't a doubt in my mind that these floozies started hitting the peppermint schnapps hard as soon as they heard a blizzard was coming, just planning on sleeping in since last Thursday.  But hey, thanks for the laugh Fox 25.

Angry snow related rant still to come.

Alt-Tabs: Holiday Edition

I promised a busy day at the Tabs and I delivered.  Happy Holidays Everyone, be sure to check back Monday for a whole new week of Shenanagins.

 Tacky Holiday Christmas Lights - Some bloggers this week took to criticizing overly tacky and excessive Christmas light displays.  We hear at the Alt-Tab couldn't disagree more.  Christmas is a time for Americans to be at our most obnoxious best.  Other cultures celebrate Christmas as a deeply religious time of year.  We treat it as commercialism at its worst best.  Soft, classy looking white lights of the aristocratic class are ruining this countries spirit.  We need more families like the one above if we're ever going to regain our swagger on the global stage.  Pretty soon we're going to end up being as soft as these next two countries:

North Korea V. South Korea Bitching Fest Continues - North and South Korea beat the drums of war Thursday, with each threatening the other with immediate retaliation if attacked.

Allright this is gone on far long enough.  For weeks these two countries have been taunting eachother like two losers in their mothers basements over an internet message board.  Its time to get down to it.  The world needs to set global sanctions if no action is taken by the new year.  You have 1 week.  Either go to war or drop it.

Fantastic Four About to Become Terrific Trio -The Fantastic Four -- superheroes whose creation nearly 50 years ago helped usher in the Silver Age of comics for Marvel -- is about to become a trio.  Marvel Comics said Wednesday that a member of the foursome -- Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch and the Thing -- will die in issue No. 587 next month, a change that the company said will ripple across the Marvel Universe like never before.

Marvel can spare me the drama of killing off one of their characters.  Just come out and call it what it is, a budget cut.  Even superheroes aren't immune to this economy.

Toy Firm Specializes in Toys that Don't Require Batteries - Schylling Associates Inc. of Rowley is the biggest toy company in Massachusetts. The firm specializes in the kinds of toys that parents and grandparents remember from their own childhoods, which didn't require batteries or come with online instruction manuals. 

I hope they also specialize in profits that don't involve customers (HAYYYOO).

Is Steven Tyler Actually Alive? - AHH, oh sorry Steven, I thought you were the Ghost of Christmas Past...I mean you look great...

Girl Pulls Knife At Mall Over Parking Lot - A Dennisport woman was arrested yesterday after allegedly pulling out a knife and threatening another woman during a confrontation over a parking spot in the Cape Cod Mall parking lot.

No one has the balls to pull a knife for a spot they were trying to steal so I'll just assume they arrested the wrong person on this one, because make no mistake, if someone would have tried to steal my spot yesterday I would have defended it with my 9 Iron.  Parking spot thievery is the number one crime of the holiday season and the number one precursor to violent altercations, the public needs to be made aware (no research was conducted before typing those "facts") 

Holiday Karma In the Form of a Woman Driver

I could just sit back make the typical "woman driver haha" jokes.  Or I could comment on the fact that she spent time digging out her front tires despite the fact that her car is rear wheel drive, never mind the idiotic "leave the car in drive and push from behind" move she pulled.  Just legendary decisions being made left and right.

But instead I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.  This guy made the mistake of mocking her from his ivory tower without helping and look what happened. Bitch ran his house over, and looks like she's about to pull a hit and  run.  You think that was an accident?  Women may be terrible drivers but I'm pretty sure they can avoid the sides of buildings, this was clearly planned.  As the saying goes, "Hell Hath No Furry Like A Woman Scorned. "