Fall is Here

And it sucks.  Sneaks up on me every year before I know it, summer and it's carefree, easy going dress code is replaced by heavy sweaters, jackets pants, and worst of all, Uggs.  And it means winter is right around the corner. 

At least winter is honest though, you know what you're going to get.  Fall is my least favorite season for many reasons, but mainly because its dishonest.  The weather fluctuates from raw and wet to windy and freezing, random sunny warm days that remind you of summer just long enough to get your hopes up before they are dashed away by a freak snow storm.  All the inconsistent weather inevitably leads to the first round of office colds that spready like the plague from cube to cube. These never clear up until the spring.  Just when you're feeling healthy it creeps around the corner and spreads through your portion of the office again like the wave coming back around at a baseball game.

While some of you are quick to point out the beauty of the fall and the changing of the leaves, I counter that the leaves are just dying and you'll soon enough be raking and dropping the bagged leaves off at the dump.  Apple Picking?  Sure it was fun when I was a kid, and is probably still enjoyable if you have kids, but I prefer to do my apple picking at the grocery store now.  Just made a trip last weekend, took pictures of me picking them out and everything just for nostalgias sake. 

Outside of Thanksgiving and football season there are really no redeeming qualitites to this season, and thats why fall sucks.

How About a Little Gratitude Belichick, You Know, For the Effort?

Great win for the Pats yesterday, actually huge win given their upcoming schedule.  But I'll be honest, I'm a little disappointed in Belichick as I received no credit during the press conference for finally solving and breaking the my personal Brady jersey curse.  How did I do it?  I snapped early this time and benched the jersey shortly before the half (an unprecedented move to this point) and the boys responded with a second half ass kicking that I'm sure Ray Lewis will be bitching about for the rest of the season.

How bad could the Brady Jersey Curse have possibly been you're wondering?  Well first know that I'm not that superstitious, not some kind of weirdo creep. Just a few of the basic superstitions most sports fans can relate to.  I don't like to predict the home teams outcome when people ask how I think the game will go, if the momentum shifts suddenly in a game I assume its because of how I recently repositioned an arm/leg/hand/foot (yes I believe I have magical appendages).  But as silly as those are, the Brady Jersey Curse was real. The last 3 times I wore the jersey before yesterday were: 1)  Pats/Giants Superbowl , 2) Opening Game 2008-Brady's Injury, 3) Home playoff blowout loss to Baltimore last year.  

That's it, those are the 3 other games I wore the jersey, and the curse looked at full power early yesterday until I made the decision to pull it from the game.  So my question, is the curse over, or should I take that jersey out back and burn it?

I Hate Laundray Day

I honestly can't think of a bigger waste of 2-3 hours than laundry day.  I even have a washer/dryer in my unit now and I'll still occasionally go out and buy new underwear just to put off the laundry a few more days.  Am I that lazy or does everyone generally feel this way? Because I honestly have no idea how stay at home mothers and illegal immigrant maids do it.  Just knowing that you're locked down for 3 hours and can't go anywhere. Granted I'd probably be just watching football as I was yesterday anyway but its the principle of the matter.  If I wanted to go out and be productive and say, go to the gym instead of gorge on tacos I know I can't, and that burns me up inside.  And folding? The worst.  My clothes currently exit the dryer and get dumped on the spare bed.  Next time a friend needs to crash here they'll be forced into manual labor unless they feel like an uncomfortable night on the couch.

Alt-Tabs Part 2

Big Friday over here, just blogging my ass off.

Crazy Cat Lady Writing Crazy Cat Lady Things - There is no such thing as a crazy dog person in New York. Are there people who are completely insane about their dogs? Hordes. But cat people may as well have whiskers and tails themselves.

Look lady, the articles title “Cat People Are People Too” and no one is denying that.  But you are a relatively insane bunch of people.  Cat people are crazy because they there is nothing social about a cat.  Bragging about your cat’s personality or gimmicks is lower than listening to the new born parents who brag about their kid’s burps and giggles like they’re the first people with children ever.  Keep it to yourself; it’s not interesting to the rest of us.  The old saying that dogs and their owners look and act alike tends to play to the cat owners as well.  Cats are for the most part socially awkward and shy, just like most cat lovers; you’d prefer to curl up in a blanket in the corner of your couch to interacting with other human beings.  Dog owners can go outside and throw a ball around with other people while the dog chases it or bring their dogs to cook outs to play with other dogs while everyone kicks back with an adult beverage.  Cat owners sit at home bobbing strings of yarn and picking up puke off the carpet.  Which one seems crazier to you?

Mosque gets Baconnated - FLORENCE, SC (WMBF) - A national Muslim civil rights and advocacy group is calling on the FBI to investigate a message written in bacon at mosque in Florence.

Before my cube is Jihad’ed I just want to state that I don’t condone hate crimes or speech in any form. The perpetrators here are clearly deranged individuals…With that said this is one of the funnier hate crimes I can remember.  I’m sure once the bacon was removed the evidence was still there in the form of grease as well.  I’ll also give credit to the victims here, not outlandish reactions and demonstrations just a statement of disappointment and handing it over to the proper authorities. Pretty refreshing.

How to Deal with an Annoying Co-Worker – Is it possible that professionals in the work place lack so much common sense that vanilla articles such as this one are considered meaningful enough to deserve publication on a major national news website?  There is not one statement or solution  in there that a person with an 8^th grade education couldn’t have reasoned out on their own.

 How about delving into some random situations that we don’t come across every day, like how to deal with the co-worker that farts too often, or isn’t showering enough, the office lunch thief, the older woman who still acts like she’s just out of college and is making everyone uncomfortable, and the delusional and possibly schizophrenic employee who keeps everyone on edge (in my case those last two were the same person, terrifying yet entertaining while it lasted). Let’s just say Christmas parties and work outings were veeerrrry interesting with her around. 

Thats all this week folks.  We'll be back Monday.  As I usually do on Fridays I only request that you tell 3 people about the blog if you enjoy it. - CW

Overheard at the Office

As with anyone who works in an office in close proximity to their peers I hear a wide range of ludicrous thoughts, opinions, and musings that continue to shock me for either their stupidity, grossness, or for the speakers sheer lack of shame in discussing personal matters.  I mention this today because yesterday I heard a comment that instantly vaulted into my top five favorite quotes heard in the office (not quite challenging number one which I'll also share with you today).  Now that you're all salivating...

Obviously the talk of the office yesterday was all about the Chilean miners rescue (the same one that I'm investigating to ensure it was not an elaborate hoax), an unbelievable story that I fully expected and prepared myself for hearing people discussing and regurgitating the same stories everyone heard on the news the night before without end (when I say prepare I mean practicing my patented "I think what you have to say is interesting face" coupled with the occasional head bob and slight smile to make you think I'm not day dreaming of anything but talking to you).  What I couldn't possibly prepare myself for was this dandy of a quote: "I heard that they didn't have anything to eat the whole time they were down there."  My pretend interested face turned to visually stunned in .003 seconds, there was no hiding it.  Air was gasped, my gaping mouth immediately covered by my hand, and I high tailed it out of there so I wouldn't laugh right in this persons face.  They were underground for 60+ days! Of course they ate food.  This was from a fairly senior ranking person in our office.  The more I think about it that has to rank second only to the number one overheard quote of all time.

The number one came from an employee who no longer works here (which is a good thing work wise, but a horrible thing for fans of unintentional comedy).  Anytime he picked the phone to make a call it was appointment eavesdropping.  There are countless stories I could rehash, but only one truly legendary story.
He was calling a support number for his recently purchased Comcast television service (he made more calls to support lines than anyone I've ever known) for help setting up his online account. After a string of mind numbingly dumb questions he finally got down to setting up his user name and password (he absolutely tortured phone support people, to say he wasn't bright is a drastic understatement).  As the tech support person on the other end of the line was giving him his temporary password my former employee would repeat each letter followed by a word that began with the letter (C as in Charlie, B as in Boy etc...).  And that's when he uttered the following; "Ok, G as in July." Take a minute and re-read that if you didn't catch the absurdity the first time through.  The sad thing is I'm pretty sure the dude on the other end of the line didn't even correct him because he just kept rolling on with the call without hesitating or realizing his mistake.  I'm not exagerating when I say that I received a flurry of e-mails from the 5 or 6 cubes within earshot asking if they heard him correctly.  All you could hear were muffled laughs in our area that day. He may have sucked at his job, but he provided ample comedic value.

So here's the deal, I'd like to start this as a semi-running feature every week or two, but in order to do that I'll need input from you guys.  Feel free to send in snippets of comments or conversations you've over heard in the office, place of work, gym etc... and I'll work on compiling everything into a featured blog.  You can reach me at Thealttab@gmail.com .

Guide to Tipping

In light of the on-going financial crisis I figured it was my turn to stick my nose in and give the recovery efforts a shot on the arm.  Times are tough right now and we need to tighten our belts in all areas of spending.  Even the smaller more over looked areas, such as tipping at restaurants. America is the best country in the world (or at least in the top 5,  but just roll with me here) but we embarrasingly stick to this outdated and antiquated tipping system while Europe (even the eastern European countries) and other civilized areas of the world sit back and laugh at our expense. Well I say no more.  Here are three areas we can rally together and work on starting today.

1. No more implied tipping.  Listen hunny, I don't care if you're miserable because you're on the back end of a double shift after just popping out your third child in three years 24 hours prior. I honestly don't.  What I do care is that you serve me promptly and with a smile on your face, ok toots? Do that and you'll get your tip.

2. There needs to be a Tip-Cap (salary cap but for tips, comeon people keep up).  The current system of basing the tip on the bill total continues to drive me insane.  Does the snooty guy at Morton's work harder than the townie at TGI Fridays? No, probably not harder than your average semi-legal employee at Dunks or McD's for that matter.  Do they tend to be nicer, more cordial and show some signs of intelligence? Sure. Do they deserve a bigger tip for this? Absolutely. But their needs to be a limit.  Just because I decided I want a $50 steak and a couple of fingers of Johnny Walker tonight doesn't mean I also want to pay you $30+ for carrying my plate back and forth to the kitchen.  Call out my order number or give me a buzzer, I'll gladly come grab my food at the window.  I propose a set cap of $15 per hour that a party occupies a table.  Exceptional service gets that full rate, work downward pending the level of service, across all restaurants, regardless of the price of the meal.

3.  Cut the shit with the whole "party of 8 gratuity included."  First off its a dirty trick. You know 1 in 5 times we're going to miss that and tip you twice.  Real nice, asshole.  But most importantly just because you're serving a large group doesn't mean I think you're doing a good job. If you sucked I want the option to leave you a tip indicating you sucked.  Its constructive criticism, something you'll need to learn to accept if you plan on getting a real job somewhere down the line.  Finally, if you do insist on continuing to add in an automatic tip can you just pick a round number, 15 or 20 percent. Nice and simple and its doesn't require a ridiculous mathematic test at the table if I deem you worth of an additional tip.

Alt-Tabs

More postings to follow today, here's a little something to get you started.

United Nations Appoints Space Alien Ambassador - Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, is set to be tasked with co-ordinating humanity’s response if and when extraterrestrials make contact.  Mrs Othman is currently head of the UN’s little known Office for Outer Space Affairs (Unoosa).  Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

I’m not sure what I should be more worried about.  The fact that the UN is wasting time appointing delegates to intergalactic visitors despite on going wars and several conflicts with the potential for war world wide, or the fact that the UN deemed this a necessary post so contact is presumably inevitable and forthcoming.  Am I supposed to be outraged at the complete lack of credibility shown by the worlds governing body, or scared to the point of building an underground bunker in my backyard?  

To be honest, I’m leaning towards the bunker here.  I mean the UN’s had since 1967 to come up with a better plan and all they’ve come up with is castration for any visiting aliens.  And it’s not like it’s a bunch of government appointed lackeys just wasting everyone’s time.  Stephen Hawking (the smartest man on earth) is comparing these bastards to Christopher Columbus when he killed off Native Americans left and right.  Yep, I’m definitely heading down to Home Depot, hope their Do it Yourself experts have experience in alien proof bunkers.

Conservatives more Manly than Liberals? - Liberals don’t believe in the ultimate concept of self-reliance, which is why they look to the government for stability. Extravagant welfare programs, the near impossibility of getting fired on the public dole and an increasingly complicated tax code are all products of the same deeply rooted concept that man cannot provide for himself.

Another day another Fox story blatantly spreading mis-truths.  Liberals believe in self reliance but they also believe in decency and helping other fellow human beings through institutional means.  But hey, why focus on the truth, much easier to make bold statements with tons of shock value that your misinformed and unintelligent followers can cling to, which would be fine if you were writing for a blog instead of a national news outlet.  Then again you’d have to come up with better jokes than this crap “The financial, emotional, even physical security of the son rests squarely on the shoulders of his father. What could possibly be more manly than providing all of the above for your kin? Maybe bear-wrestling, but legally I’m not allowed to endorse it”  BAHAHAHAHA, oh my god that is not funny.

Boston Subways Apps Available to Track Trains - The T announced today that smartphone apps are available for riders on the Red, Orange, and Blue lines that will tell riders where the trains are and when they will arrive -- eliminating the suspense, if not the wait.

I notice the Green line wasn’t included, I’ll assume this is because it caused the app to crash as often as the actual Green line trains do?  Or did it cause lagging and continual delays?  Guess what MBTA, having an app that tells me the train is late isn’t helping me arrive at my destination any quicker or helping me sweat less when your air conditioners are malfunctioning for the 267^th day in a row. How about addressing real issues with your service the way any legitimate private business would (yes I'm inferring the MBTA is an illegitimate business full of political hacks). 

Porn Industry Shutdown After Positive HIV Test - California's multibillion-dollar adult entertainment industry has been left reeling after another positive HIV test for a porn actor. The revelation Tuesday led to two of the industry's biggest companies shutting down production and a scramble to find partners who may have been exposed by the actor, whose identity and gender have not been released.

Not to make light of HIV/AIDS but isn’t a porn star catching the HIV like your average office worker catching the flu?  Why is this headline news? I just figured people were catching the HIV left and right out in the valley.  I wouldn’t expect to come in to work tomorrow to find the company website letting everyone know that I’m feeling under the weather and advising everyone in my area to go home for a few days until it clears up. 

Yes, Another Haircut Blog

Allright, after the Maestros unmitigated disaster yesterday (seriously, two lames? that doubled the previous record, we're still on probationary status here, we were one lame away from being kicked off the internet) I decided my loyal readers deserved better.  Yes its Thursday, and yes that's normally an off day from blogging for me, but I just care too much about you guys.

So about 15 minutes ago something miraculous happened, I happened to check myself over in the mirror and realized that I'm having my second great hairstyle day in a row.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept it is the merging of the perfect styling with just the right day in your haircut cycle.  This is the first time I can remember it happening twice in one cycle in the history of hair.  Usually great hair style day is like a white whale, you get a quick glimpse and that's it, you're left pining for it until the next haircut cycle.  

I wish I knew what I've done differently to achieve such a historic outcome but I can't think of anything.  So what do I do?  Do I get a trim tonight and ask the barber to take off the day's millimeter of growth? Is there some kind of bizzaro Rogaine product that will stop growth?  Do I load up on wax like Paulie D to keep it stuck in place for a few more days?  I'm at a loss.

I do know one thing though, it looks damn good.  If you see me at Dunks, or wandering the hallway during one of my many breaks at work try not to stare.  While its flattering and appreciated its also rude.  

Chilean Miners Rescued, Skin Still Tanned

I'll be honest I'm a little dissapointed now that the miners are coming to the surface.  Not that I'm not happy for the miserable bastards or their poor families, I just expected more.  These impoverished and malnourished guys just spent 60+ days trapped underground and show no signs of extreme mutant evolution.  Hell the fact that they're not even pale makes me question if this whole thing was a hoax.  Where was this mine anyway? Are we sure it wasn't by the Jersey shore with an ample supply of spray tanner?  Couldn't we have left them down there longer as some kind of social experiment (I smell a reality television show idea!), at least until their pigment fades or they started behaving and looking like some kind of lost Amazon Tribe.  The dudes are coming up rocking Raybans and million dollar smiles, I'm pretty sure they were fine down there, at least they were having a better time than me in this cube.  They'll probably end up with some sweet compensation deal to, like no taxes for life, not to mention the book deals and inevitable Oprah appearance I'm sure they all have lined up.

But here's the question I'm interested in.  You've been stuck underground in a cave for two months with 32 other 3rd world dudes no Old Spice Swagger or Drakar Noir to cover up what I assume is just excruciating B.O., everyone using a corner of the room for piss and shit while you sleep 10 feet away.  So when you reach the surface and finally get home, are you more excited about your wife/mistress (or both in this poor guys case) or the hot shower you can finally take?