Reason 734 Why the Fall Sucks: The Greenway Fountains Are Turned Off

The Greenway without fountains, just isn't the Greenway to me. I have no idea why I'm so attached to these damn fountains, but I am, I'll literally be fighting through small bouts of depression every time I walk by these water barren parks until the spring. It's completely irrational.

Going Apple Picking this Weekend? Why Not Go In Style in a Limousine?

Oh sure, can we bring Crowley, the Butler, along as well? I'd hate to dirty my hand picking the apples from the tree with my own hands, what do you make of me, a commoner?

I appreciate the effort from the limo company here, that Sunday morning in the fall time slot has to be a bitch to fill in the limo industry, but this just isn't going to work. In general I think it's just frowned upon to show up for activities that illegal immigrant day workers do for a living, in a limousine. Just seems in bad taste.

This is just a straight up announcement that you’re an asshat, right? Rolling up to an apple orchard at like 11 am in evening wear for some apple picking. Yes, definitely as asshattery as it gets. I’m going to go out on a limb and say total sales for this package is currently standing at zero dollars and zero cents. I have no idea what they're charging, but I'm going to guess and say it's cheaper for me to roll down to Market Basket and buy a bag of apples than to rent a limo for 3 hours just to pick some fruit off of trees.

Shocking News: Panera's Pay What You Feel Restaurant is Failing

Consumerist - Panera Bread's noble experiment in pay-what-you-want retail has been successful at its first two restaurants in St. Louis and Detroit, taking in about 80% of the retail price of the food they serve. They serve as shining reminders of the fundamental goodness of people. In the Midwest, anyway. Until recently, the third free-will restaurant in Portland, Oregon was faltering, not attracting enough paying customers and losing money. It turns out that the down-and-out in Portland like to eat free food and linger. For hours on end. While the point of the eatery is to help people out, the experiment was never intended as a homeless shelter. The business model depends on attracting customers who will pay retail for their meals, and some who will pay a little extra. There's a difference between a restaurant with a diverse clientele and a day shelter with paintings of bread on the walls, and the restaurant began to resemble the latter. "We had to help them understand that this is a café of shared responsibility and not a handout," Panera founder Ron Shaich told the Portland Tribune. "It can't serve as a shelter and we can't have community organizations sending everybody down."

"We had to help them understand that this is a cafe of shared responsibility and not a hand out." Umm, no, if that was the message you wanted to send you'd put prices up on the menu like every other restaurant in the history of restaurants. No one's going to share the responsibility voluntarily, no one with a brain anyway. You know what I'm not doing this afternoon? Going to lunch at a soup kitchen, because I can afford to buy my lunch somewhere bums aren't hanging out.

Who Panera is kidding here,  it just sounds like residents of Oregon are a bit smarter than the good, but simple, people of St. Louis and Detroit. I don't know what the hell is the matter with those guys, but if you tell me I can have a sandwich for free, I'm sure as shit not paying upwards of 80% of its value for it.  I'll leave my servers a couple buck tip in their jar, but that's about it. What the hell were these simpletons in Detroit and St. Louis doing? Take a cue from Oregon guys, if someone's giving you something for free, don't pay them for it. That's illogical. Like Detroit, you guys are broke as fuck. You're in no position to be paying for free sandwiches, it's stupid financial decisions like this that sunk your city in the first place.

What's the Rule on Stealing Change From Fountains and Wishing Wells?

San Marcos — Police say someone apparently intent on stealing coins broke into a San Marcos cave late Sunday or early Monday. The area of Wonder Cave is known as the “Wishing Well.” “Someone apparently tried to lower themselves down the elevator shaft to steal money out of there,” San Marcos Police Sergeant Fred Wisener said. The crime was discovered because a canvas bag was found by Wonder World staff at the bottom of the well, Wisener said, adding that the suspect or suspects also left a broken flashlight behind.

What’s the protocol here, is this actually considered stealing? I’ve always wondered that, I mean these coins technically don’t belong to anyone, do they? It’s always been a mystery to me why homeless people waste so much time collecting cans and lugging them around in shopping carts when they could just go to the local mall or park and get the coins without the middle man, plus the added benefit of a bath. 

That said I completely see a mall freaking out if you went to take their change on them...Listen guys, the fountain aint a tip jar, we're not just flipping those coins in to say thanks to Simon for providing us such a great mall.  I think the best route to go on those is to treat them as a giant leave a penny take a penny tray, allow someone to take up to a dollar a day out of the thing, but that's it. I think that'd be a pretty fair resolution.

Personal wells on the other hand are a whole other thing. These are directly on someone's property and the homeowner definitely has some sort of claim to the cash. I'd say a 50/50 finders fee split for any bounty collected works in this case. Lets be honest, there aren't many home owners that are cool with being lowered down a 3 foot wide hole to the bottom of a well via wooden bucket and rope, if some adventure seeker/member of the Goonie family wants to take a crack at it, all the power to them, just know you're doing it for the thrill, not the riches.

Caffeine Cut Off: Sean's Day Without Coffee

Note:  These extrapolations are based on the hastily scribbled notes that I wrote during my impromptu experiment, which was conducted largely as a test of self discipline.  What followed was a level of anger and profanity I didn't know I was even capable of, which is saying a lot because my disposition is has a baseline level of being just plain rude.

           Sure, there might be poignant issues in the news as well as some current affairs that I could lend some valuable insight to.  But what the hell would be the fun in blogging about that??  I'm not a dried up old geezer who cares about that shit yet (with all due repect to my Chief of Staff, CW), nor am I comedic genius/social critic Dennis Miller, so ranting about the shitty situations in our economy and social systems that I have no chance of repairing on my own seems like a pretty self-defeating exercise.  So I came up with a much more entertaining topic for my newest blog entry.  I've noticed that besides just having my daily coffee, I find myself enjoying it exponentially more the longer I am deprived of it's stimulant based properties.  If I have it first thing in the morning, I'm completely fine, nothing to see here people, please go about your day.  However, if it so happens that I have my coffee in the afternoon by some unfortunate circumstance, I more resemble Johnny Cash in Walk the Line where I have to be forcible tied to a bed frame to detox as I violently struggle against my fate.  Bearing my coffee addiction in mind, lets go through the chronology of events that occurred on Wednesday, September 28th, in one of the most ill-advised undertakings of my life.

7:45 AM-Waking up, not looking forward to prospect of day without liquid fuel.  Rather curious, seeing as my academic productivity level with the brain boosting beverage flowing through my veins is roughly 10 % of what I'm capable of (Yes, I'm a lazy college student when it comes to school work, but exercising, blogging and drinking are tackled with a fervor similar to that of religious zealots. Go figure.)

9:15 AM: First class, already feel like I've been through a couple level's of Dante's hell.  My head is screaming, "What the fuck are you doing?!?!? THIS ISN'T OUR AGREEMENT!!!" as I half listen to the professor babbble on about something she seems to think is important.  Desperately needing distraction, I turn to my go to activity of Words with Friends.  Alpha Bitch sees it fit to call me out for using my phone when at least 50 % of the class is doing the exact same thing.  Exchange goes like this

Professor:  Who can tell me (insert question that I didn't listen to here) is all about? Sean, since you're paying such close attention by texting, how about you?

Me: Uh...Well, with all due respect professor (polite people speak for "I don't mean to say this with any respect at all, I'm just saving face socially by dropping this little idiom) I'm not texting.

Professor:  Let me rephrase:  Since your playing Words With Friends, you can answer my question?

Me:  Well, no....because I'm playing Words with Friends.

This day is going swimmingly already

10:30 AM- Struggle on my way over to work study where I employ myself as an every important "Mail Room Associate" for the great financial leech that we call "Northeastern University"  My head feels like it is a cleft in the earth being split into two massive chunks by a very determined miner.  I swear to god, even the homeless people think something is desperately wrong with me by the fact I'm walking with one hand massaging my temples while muttering curse words at a faster pace than Mac from Always Sunny in Philadelphia gained weight (Sidenote:  Fat Mac is both HUGE and hysterical.  A guy who gains absurd amounts of flab just for the humor of it?  A straight baller in my book.)

12:00 PM- Just as I was about to start throwing box cutters in every conceivable direction because of the headeache that has now erupted like an active volcano in my brain, an unexpected twist of amazing, perhaps even divine intervention occurs:  Someone has brought pizza to the mailroom, and since all the other mindless drones serving the queen bee of endless amounts of mail happen to be out delivering, I become one of the lucky recipients of this amazing gift.  Though not coffee/caffeine, grease, cheese, and pepperoni do much to soothe the combination of agony and building rage transfusing throughout my entire body.

1:32 PM-  Clocked out 5 minutes early, so that I could stagger back to my apartment just to hide from reality without my black, Colombian-bean based fuel.  Without my brain in overdrive like it normal is by this time of day, I am immensely tired and fatigued, despite the fact I have complete maybe 30 % of my daily routine.  To absolutely no one's great surprise, I fall asleep for a lengthy nap.

3:45ish PM- Awake in one of the most awful conditions possible:  groggy, taste of sleepy mouth evident, and a headache that has turned into a full scale percussion ensemble playing a concert on the stage of whatever is left of my alcohol ravaged brain.  This is one of the most stupid things I have ever done, and this includes agreeing to jump off my roof into my neighbor’s yard (our houses are close together) to win a 5$ bet.  I can almost POSTIVELY swear that my dream had coffee themed instances engrained within it.  That’s how hopelessly addicted I have become.  This could very well be almost on par with what meth heads go through…without the meth and illegally acquired drug that actively kills you with every puff.  So really, it’s not all that similar, Whatever, I’m grouchy.

6:00 PM- Walk into Stetson East dining hall with the intention of gorging myself on the dense, completely nutrient deficient food served within the premises to gain at least some modicum of pleasure during my stroll through a day of oblivion.  Ultimate test of will occurs when I see the MASSIVE tanks of Green Mountain coffee sitting near the dessert table.  Though pissed off for the entire day, I was pretty sure I could pull this off.  Then this curveball gets thrown at me.  I felt like a guy just released from alcoholics anonymous and while being on vacation accidentally opens the mini-bar to see all those little bottles of liquid courage sitting there.  I now finally understand people when they say “I NEED…(insert thing they don’t actually need here”  I didn’t need coffee.  But my god, did I want to chug that entire barrel of black liquid goodness, even if it meant third degree burns all along the inside of my throat.  Somehow, I was able to walk by it, though I continued to stare it the same way a pedophile surveys a playground from an unmarked van.

7:45-9:00 PM- Have just been informed I have an intramural basketball game to play in.  This is wonderful news, since it’s not like I want to punch every living person in the face at the moment (I don’t actually think I could hit another person in the face unless extremely agitated.  I’d settle for a shin kick because it hurts like holy hell, but you look like a complete bitch if you complain about your shin hurting.  Count that one as a victory on multiple fronts for this guy)  For whatever reason, engaging in physical activity is actually possible and the only enjoyable thing I have done all day.  Sadly, as soon as the game ends, misery wakes up from his late evening siesta and takes his rightful place back inside my head.

10:30 PM-Dead to the world asleep.  Was sitting on the couch doing that “bobblehead” action you do when you are in a really fucking boring class where your head tilts slowly forward as your consciousness slowly fades away, only for you to realize in the nick of time “Shit, I actually need to pay attention” and you snap back to ready position, only to repeat this process multiple times.  Called it quits shortly after a few rounds of this pointless endeavor.

Message:  If you as a person have become so accustomed to a substance that has been socially accepted on a mass scale and perhaps biologically woven into the fabric of your being, for the love of god, DON’T GIVE IT UP, even for a second.  I apologize to you, coffee.  You are a wonderful girl that I should never have even dreamed of leaving, even if it was for the sake of science.

"Amanda Hugnkiss, I Need Amanda Hugnkiss"

Vid from: LAis

The most fun a city council meeting has ever been.

Nancy Grace Denies Showing Her Gross Nipple to the American Public

Mediaite - On Monday night, the world was shocked, shocked when, after all the hand-wringing over Chaz Bono’s fiendish insistence on existing, it actually seemed that HLN’s Nancy Grace was the one to plunge our nation’s children into depravity. The worst depravity of all in fact, the depravity of a briefly viewed human female breast! However, Grace has spoken out, denying that that slightly different shade of pink that we saw for a second was actually her nipple. Thank God. I guess my children won’t be going to Hell after all. “‘When I got dressed, I was wearing Petals (nipple covers) and an industrial strength bra … my dancing dress also had a bra sewn into it.’ Nancy adds, ‘I have been judged guilty without a trial … I will go to my grave denying the nip slip.’”

While Nancy Grace is all horrified, running around lying her tits off (pun completely intended) trying to pretend like this didn’t happen, I’v been sitting back and wondering what the big fucking deal is? It’s just a little nip slip for god sakes.

This happens every single time there’s a nip slip in this country, media outlets run around dissecting the evidence like they just got their hands on the Zapruder film for the first time. Guys, it’s not that outrageous. It’s a little brown protuberance in the center of a breast. BFD.

There is absolutely nothing more disappointing than a nip slip. I’ve never once been aroused or offended by one. It’s half a second of a dime-to-half dollar sized freckle. Unless you’re an 8 year old kid and have never set eyes on a boob before, this is a non-event. I’d rather stare at some well styled side boob any day. Side boob can be hot. A nip slip, not. A nip slip from Nancy Grace, negative hot. Like so negative hot that I temporarily inverted. It’s not a huge deal. No need for a special on Ted Koppel tonight, tell Bill O'reilly to cancel his rant on declining American values tonight. It’s a nipple people. It’s the definition of nothing to see here.

On the Proposed MBTA Fair Increase

BOSTON — State transportation officials say commuters are almost certain to see an MBTA fare increase next year. Officials told the T’s board on Tuesday that they expect to approve a fare increase in the spring that would take effect July 1. Subway, bus, and commuter rail fares last rose Jan. 1, 2007 .Federal and local regulations prevent the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority from raising fares on a whim. The T must evaluate the potential effects of fare increases or service cuts on ridership patterns, the environment, and lower-income riders, and hold public workshops and hearings.

The why us?, And How Dare you Pity party taking place on twitter yesterday over the announced possibilities of fair hikes for the mbta in Boston yesterday was absolutely mind boggling and completely illogical. Look, it’s a failing business. Failing businesses either die or pass the buck to the customer, and since this particular business can’t just up and die, they’re going to pass the buck. This isn’t a fantasy world, you want the service, you’re going to have to pay for it.

And yea, they could pay for it through higher taxes, but you know what? That actually wouldn’t be fair, and wouldn’t make sense. Why should I, someone who doesn’t rely fully on the subway, subsidize your ride? Are you going to help me out and chip in a few extra bucks come excise tax time? Or the next time I’m hit with the bill for a new set of tires, are all the mass transit commuters going to band together and help me out? If you want to, that’d be great, but I’m assuming the general response was hell no to those rhetorical questions.

It’s called being a responsible adult. I bought that car, chose it as my mode of transportation, and I incur the costs associated with it, as well as paying additional taxes (gas, excise, and tolls) in order to maintain infrastructure needed to make use of my vehicle (and not to mention subsidize forms of public transportation). You’ve chosen not to purchase a car, which is fine. If you can get away with it, great, more power to you. But you’re going to have to pay your way through public transportation, and guess what? If the T isn’t making money using current prices, those prices should go up. It’s how life works.

Millionaire Claims He's Closer to Minimum Wage Worker than Warren Buffet

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) -- Billionaire Warren Buffett can pay more taxes if he wants to, but some "ordinary millionaires" say they're already paying plenty. Even so, some millionaires say Buffett doesn't speak for them. "There is more of a difference between my financial position as a multi-millionaire and Buffett's than there is between mine and a guy that makes minimum wage," one CNNMoney reader said. "Why am I grouped with him and why does he feel he can speak for me?"

Asinine. This guy knows how percentages work right, like you wouldn’t be paying the same as Warren Buffet, I assume he knows this? He’s a millionaire he has to have some common sense, no? 

Look, I get not wanting to pay more taxes, I don’t want to pay more taxes, and if your argument is, fuck you, I don’t want to pay more taxes, I pay enough already, that’s fair. But if your argument is, there’s a bigger difference between a millionaire and Warren Buffet's life and a millionaires and a minimum wage worker, you’re the stupidest person on earth. The stupidest. And it’s quantifiable. It’s quantifiable in how many packs of ramen you’ve bought in the last year, in interest earned on your savings account, make model and year of your car, and your house.

I’m not saying you didn’t work for it, I’m not saying you have every right to be upset about the government asking for a bigger portion of it back. I’m saying you have no right to be an absolute dickhead about it. You think you paid your share, cool, but don’t compare yourself to the struggling McDonald's worker living on a friends couch driving a Daewoo. I don’t even compare myself to them, and I’m only a self made thousandaire. You just made the I'd punch you in the dick if I ever met you, list.

Reebok Easy Toners Being Sued for Convincing Fat Girls They'd Lose Weight

WASHINGTON (AP) - Reebok will pay $25 million to customers to settle charges by the Federal Trade Commission that it made deceptive claims in ads that its toning shoes would strengthen and tone the legs and buttocks of those who wear them. The athletic shoe and apparel company is also barred from making any claims of the strengthening effects of the shoes unless it is backed by scientific evidence.

I’m just going to come out and say, if you’re a girl, and you saw comercials starring some model's hot ass in short shorts, and were told that it was because she walked around in these uncomfortable looking shoes with balls on the bottom of them, and you believed it…you’re an idiot, and shouldn’t get a dime back.

Sorry, but I think at this point in existence, mankind has a pretty good idea that exercise and a healthy diet are the keys to staying in shape, not walking from the parking lot to the office in a pair of reeboks. And if I were reebok’s lawyers that would be my argument. It can’t lose.

So Last Night Sucked...The 2011 Redsox From A Historical Standpoint (edited to include missing paragraph)

Taking a page out of the pre-'04 Red Sox playbook last night, your current local nine decided to take a shot at history by endearing themselves to countless self loathing sports writers, and specifically Dan Shaughnessey.  Sensing there was no way the team had what it took to actually make a run at the 'ship in the playoffs, the team seems to have collectively decided that the best alternative allowing the team to go down in history was to put on a collapse of absolutely epic proportions, great success guys, great success.

While watching the Sox self combust and keeping tabs on the Devil Rays suspiciously improbable comeback (just saying, 7 runs? in two innings?), I began debating what I'd write about this. There are basically two routes I can take. 1) Post a slew of generic comments blasting Lackey, Crawford, Daisuke, Pink Hats, and the front office. Or, 2) Try and throw this loss into historical perspective and get this baby published before Simmons posts a 5000 word manifesto on the subject explaining that he went through the same process while walking his dog around his mansions yard.

So with a little help from The Meastro and Seany Mo, I present to you, the list.  One note, all events take place during my generation, so '78 is not on here, '86 is not on here, and any 80's losses from the Celtics that I can't remember? Not on here. If I can't coherently remember being a fan, it doesn't really count to me. In reverse order:

7. 2006 Patriots - 21-3. Twenty One, to Fucking 3! The phantom Hobbs pass interference call to which the league later apologized, and Peyton freaking Manning going on to win his first, and presumably only, Super Bowl. Fuck, this blog is going to make me angrier than I thought it would.

6. 2011 Red Sox - It helps to have the perspective of two champion ships in the last 7 years. Because otherwise, I'd be calling out of work hungover today and spending my day attempting to call into sports radio. This is presumably as close to knowing how my parents generation felt about '78, except they didn't have the benefit of a couple of trophies in the bag, and that loss was to the Yankees. This sucks, but its not something you couldn't see coming a week ago, and we're not desperately clinging to chances for another championship here. Yes, Dan Shaughnessy, to some extent, I have changed as a fan since they won.

5. 2011 Patriots - An MVP Brady season absolutely wasted. And to that foot-fucking Rex Ryan and the rival Jets of all teams. This one hurt, ALOT. The Pats were ass kickers last year. They finally seemed poised to make up for the lost 2008 season, and replace the trophy that should have been from 2007. It's now been 7 years since the Pats were crowned champs. SEVEN!

4. 1999 Red Sox - No one's going to mention this one today I'm sure, but this killed the innocence of teenage CW's sporting fan youth. This was Pedro in his absolute prime. This was Nomar mashing the ball every-which way. This was one of the last, if not the last Red Sox season where I still rooted for the Sox from the perspective of a kid. The magic was lost shortly after this. This was my first real introduction into the Sox-Yanks rivals (hard to believe considering I was 15 at the time, but in truth, they'd rarely played meaningful late season games to that point, and hadn't met in the playoffs as of yet). This was a complete kick to the balls for adolescent CW.

3. 2010 Celtics- Ron fucking Artest. It'll probably be another 15-20 years before we're that close to a championship with the Celtics.  Basketball is the hardest sport to build and maintain a contender. If we lose this NBA season to the lockout, the C's window is closed. That really sucks.

2. 2007 Patriots - Going to be honest, I initially had this number 1. Seany talked me out of it, and I'll explain why in a minute. This was brutal. I didn't watch SportsCenter or read ESPN for a solid week and a half. I always watch SportsCenter, and I was a working man at the time, do you know how hard it is to get through a day of work without browsing ESPN for a couple of hours? It's impossible. This was as big of a let down as possible as a sports fan. Even bigger than the next loss, because this team was supposed to win, this team was historically good, this team was supposed to give us bragging rights as fans, over any fan base in history. All of that, gone. 8 years later, we're still waiting for the next Super Bowl trophy. Tom Brady is still in his prime, but its the latter end of his prime, and as a fan I'm well aware that the window won't last more than 2 or 3 more season. Pats fans have had 3 Super Bowl quality teams cut down early (06,07, 2011). The decade of dominance may have been a wild and spectacular ride, and I've loved every minute of it, but if this list proves anything its that we've had our fair share of horrrreennndous sports fans moments as well. But it comes with the territory I guess.

1. 2003 Red Sox - Deciding between the 2007 Pats and the '03 Sox is splitting hairs in a contest where there are no winners, only losers (unless you happen to write books about Boston Sports fans and our team's histories of collapses, then you'd profit wildly). In picking between these legendary losses the deciding factor went to thinking back on the effect the events had at the time they happened. With the Patriots, as miserable as that loss was, you had three very recent Super Bowls to fall back on. It sucked and took a while to get over and we lost our chance at history, but the team was still a group of winners, and would continue to be for the foreseeable future. The '03 Sox? Not so much. They hadn't one shit to that point. 85 futile years and counting. And this wasn't a loss to just any team. This was a loss to our greatest tormentor, the Yankees. We were leading, we had Pedro on the mound, nothing was going to go wrong. This was finally our time. Not so much. The loss resonates particularly vividly with me as I was still in college at the time. I didn't have a job, or real responsibilities, I sunk my heart and soul as a Sox fan into that series. When it was over, I jumped off of our dorms balcony. I took a long walk. I joined in on the riots later on. I avoided the mere mentioning of sports talk, I didn't witness a minute of that year's world series. I finally understood what all the previous generations of Red Sox sports fans had been through. I'd experienced one of those crushing losses that were just Sox folklore and teams my Dad talked about previously. This sealed a sense of hopelessness that I'd never truly felt as a sports fan, and still haven't felt again to this day. As crushing as that Pats game was because we were supposed to win, this was worse. We'd never won, and it honestly didn't seem like we ever would, game 7 just cemented that feeling.

Oh, Bruins fans, the 2010 B's rank about 20th on my list...No disrespect intended, but complete disrespect intended.  It just wasn't a real sport for decades in Boston until last year...Enjoy the Pink Hats this coming season.

The Fire Breathing Dragon Car Looks Pretty Boss

"Yea, But How is it on Gas?"

Hey bro, pretty sure that things not street legal, last I checked flame throwers won't pass the Massachusetts State Emissions test. Just saying. It's a pretty baller pet dragon/car you got there, but it's gonna basically have to be a lawn ornament when that inspection sticker gets rejected.

Despite the Wreckage and Heartbreak of 2011, I’m Still Damned Proud to be a Boston Sports Fan

           Look, I’m not going to slice this cake any other possible way: The Red Sox absolutely and 100 % collapsed on us.  It adds yet another dark pages to the annals of Boston sports history that will cause us (by “us” I mean people who care deeply about the team, known in some regions as “fans” and not douche bag pink hats who wave their cell phone at Fenway Park to get on TV) all to avoid eye contact with everyone and stare blankly into our beer glasses.  This type of event is always accompanied by the same miserable set of actions that fans take to shut out additional pain: avoiding any type of sports broadcasting medium at the risk of blood shooting out our eyes, second guessing a million different managerial decisions over the course of a season, and stumbling around our existence with a sullen faced, glassy eye disposition similar to that of a proverbial Eeyore.

How every Red Sox fan feels right now

              I suppose the earliest indicator that set the foundation this miserable futility actually occurred in mid-July post All Star break, when we lost 3^rd starter Clay Buchholz for the season.  It was a tough hit to take even then, but it truly exposed how thin the team was at middle relief as a bullpen.  Everybody not named Alfredo Aceves (whose fucking FANTASTIC season will largely be forgotten in lieu of how the season finished; Jacoby Ellsbury will also be a victim of this as well.) decided to engage in various levels of epic suckitude over the next few months, with a special type of awfulness reserved for September.  Throw in the fact that Kevin Youkilis, a key fixture in our lineup, was playing with 481 separate injuries and producing nowhere near what he was capable of, Adrian Gonzalaz had the “Home Run Derby” second half power outage. (I think he hit 3 or 4 home runs in the second half of the season.  I’m too tired/still bitter to look up exact numbers) not to mention his strikeout rate went up about 10-15 %.  Our 4^th/5^th starters became just a synonym for “automatic losses,” especially when Andrew Miller pitched.  Lackey and Crawford, despite all those zeros on their paychecks, weren’t turning around their shitty seasons.  The blood stained writing was on the wall of the massacre that was to descend on our season, we just didn’t see it until we were in complete free fall and fans everywhere were panicking like an extra in a Jason Voorhees film.

Nothing will ever elicit the utter heartbreak and palpable grief generated in such droves as did the ending of the 2003 Red Sox season.  That season was akin to dating a dream girl, having everything going perfectly, pulling power moves you never knew you had, coming home to surprise her with an engagement ring, only to find her having sex with your asshole neighbor: crushing, emotional pain right to the core of your being, and an inability to function as a human stemming from the shattering disappointment that you were so loyal for such a miserable ending.  The 2011 season, while also shitty and miserable in its ending, generated of a different breed of pain.  This one was more like you found another dream girl and for a while it was going perfectly, maybe even better.  But then you discovered she had some annoying habits, started casually flirting with other guys at the bars, didn’t seem as into you as before, and ultimately tells you she’s breaking up with you.  It was a slow poisonous pain that coursed through our collective veins, causing us vast amounts of psychological distress as we tried to come up with a plan to eradicate or at least slow down the misery.  But, like a breakup you can see coming, there’s the initial gut punch, then a strange sense of acceptance, a sort, “All right, This sucks, but I guess I knew this wasn’t going anywhere anyway.”  Did I want the 2011 Red Sox to make the playoffs? You bet your ass I did.  Worst case scenario, I would much rather be labeled an underachieving team than one that was historically bad in the most crucial month of the season.  But in all fairness, what were these Sox going to do in the playoffs?  In all likelihood, based on the overall shittiness of the pitching/complete no show days of offense, we likely would have bowed out to a superior Texas team 3-1 at best.

However, the point of all this painful recollection is to high light something I did this morning upon finishing my breakfast (oatmeal with peanut butter and raisins, a fantastic fucking budget meal for a college undergrad)  The Red Sox hat I had been holding as last night’s traumatic events were unfolding, was sadly dropped to the floor as I headed off to bed, dejectedly asking myself why I even bother following these teams.  But this morning, I dusted off the hat, and will proudly wear it as I always have.  Despite all of the emotional turmoil, I am damned proud to be a Red Sox fan.  Year in and year out, the Red Sox have a (mostly) competitive team to root for, as rabid a fan base as you will find ANYWHERE in the country (I challenge any other city to have fans as knowledgeable about the sports they follow than in Boston.) and a team ethos that is committed to making improvements on the previous year’s edition.  There are literally 15-18 others teams that are completely content, despite having ample resources because contrary to popular belief, baseball owners are rich motherfuckers, to wallow in mediocrity without the chance of even sniffing greatness.  Our owners, like many others, have shitloads of money, but they pump significant amounts of it into our team to ensure that we at least have a chance at the ultimate prize.  We may not take the World Series every year or even make the playoffs sometimes.  The past two years are indications that having your best players get season ending injuries isn’t conducive to long term success in a season. 

But fandom with any team, especially the Red Sox, isn’t a “hit-it-and-quit-it” arrangement.  Despite the reactive nature of Boston fans, they will recover and in time will be concocting visions of grandeur based on how next season’s team will look.  This is a marriage, “a til death do us part” pact, and like the institution just mentioned, there are going to be both good times and bad.  This happens to be one of those times where you hang your head and take the daggers thrown at you by national media and other fans alike.  But when we come back (and we WILL come back; this team was a fucking powerhouse pre-injuries) the victory at the end of the road will taste that much sweeter because of the doldrums we lifted ourselves from.  That my friends, is why I for one will remain steadfast in my devotion and even in the current dark days for our franchise, declare proudly, “I am a Red Sox fan.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtQbyAnVy5I

Hallmark to Sell Happy Unemployment Cards...Pretty Much the Worst Thing I've Ever Heard.

INDIANAPOLIS (NBC) -- In the business of selling sentiments, there's a card for everything, from traditional occasions to unique needs: cards with sound, cards for holidays, cards for losing a tooth. But losing a job? Yes, now there's a card for that too. Hallmark recently rolled out a new line of layoff greeting cards. Stores have a specific section for job loss and recession humor, offering words of support and encouragement. 

Make no mistake about it, if I'm ever unemployed and receive one of these, we're no longer friends. I'll disown my family, de-friend you on facebook, and publicly slander you online. I'll get in my car, drive to wherever you live, and punch you straight in the dick. Because that's three strikes against you.

1. You supported the billion dollar card industry, you could've just sent an e-card if you wanted to be an asshole.

2. You used the post office. Anyone that knows me knows I will not be satisfied until we're rid of that top heavy, billion dollar drain on the economy and general waste of government resources.

3. You sent me a happy unemployment card. Even I'm not that much of an asshole.  Losing your job is the worst. I went 3 months without a job after college and it was the worst.  I started buying and selling baseball cards on ebay thinking I'd get rich (ok, only buying, whatever), and contemplated responding to one of those "as seen on Oprah," pyramid scheme chain letters just to see if I could make any money. I was pathetic, I certainly didn't need a card reminding me of that fact, eating cereal at 12 noon each day in my parents basement was enough of a reminder.

Prison Buys Inmates 40 New HDTV's...Oh Boy, Here Comes a Rant

PITTSBURGH (KDKA) — They’re top of the line flat screen TVs and right now, inmates at the Allegheny County Jail are likely watching them. The County Jail Oversight Board recently approved the purchase of 40 Sony Bravia televisions for viewing in the jail common areas. If a judge sentenced you to the Allegheny County Jail, you’d be provided three hot meals and a bed to sleep in, but in common areas, you’d also be able to watch cable shows on 42-inch Sony flat screens. The County Jail Oversight Board recently approved the purchase of 40 sets for $16,000 or $395 a piece. “If our families in Allegheny County can’t afford 42-inch Sony Bravia TVs, the prisoners certainly shouldn’t be able to be watching them in jail,” he said. The money comes from the “Inmate Welfare Fund” – proceeds from the jail commissary used by the inmates.“The point of being in jail is not to mistreat people or make them feel worse and resentful,” Marion Damick, a committee member, said.

Seriously? "The point of being in jail is not to mistreat people or make them feel worse and resentful." The fuck it isn't buddy. I'm certainly not paying for these guys to enjoy the NFL Network in the same stunning brilliance that I do each Sunday. That shit is FUBAR.

Sorry, but when you're supposed to be removed from society, you should be removed from fucking society. That includes not knowing how your favorite football teams are doing and not being able to track your fantasy football teams.  Give these guys recycled tube TV's if you want to but lets save the Plasmas and LCD's for those of us who've chosen not rape, murder, and pillage. I don't know, just seems like a nice reward is all. And spare me the horseshit that this wasn't tax money, that's semantics. Yea the cash came from the prisoner commissary, but how about using that money to pay back the tax payers who pay to house the inmates? The prison guards, the building upkeep, the infirmary workers, the food, and those orange jumpsuits. That shit aint free. If you've got funds to buy 40 fucking HDTV's, you've got funds to pay back the tax payers that support these deadbeats asses.

 And 42 in. TV's for $395 a piece? What the fuck! If that was the price for us regular folks I'd have a tv at every turn in my apartment, on the wall in the stairs, in the bathrooms, above the kitchen sink, over the windows. The whole apartment would be TV's. I'd even have one on all three sides of the bed, that way you could roll whatever way you want and still watch, instead of having to pick one uncomfortable position and then having to stick with it until you decide to fall asleep.  I want to know who gave the inmates this break? And don't give me that shit about selling them in bulk...If you ran an add tomorrow that said "42 inch Sony's at Prisoners Prices, priced so low it's a steal at $395!", I'd legitimately buy two, and I'm quite certain you'd sell more than 40 in one day. People would line up like the day after Thanksgiving. You'd have a borderline riot on your hands.

US Post Office to Allow Living Celebrities to be on Stamps, My Thoughts

Fox News - Americans will soon have a chance stay stuck on their favorite celebrities in the form of a U.S. postage stamp. The U.S. Postal Service is reportedly changing its longstanding policy to allow images of living famous people, like popular music artists and politicians, to appear on postal stamps. USPS executive Stephen Kearney told Reuters Monday that he hopes to have at least one "living subject" to have his or her first stamp by 2012. The old policy required that a person be dead for at least five years before they could be memorialized on postage, according to the New York Post. The newspaper reported that the change is part of an effort to increase postal stamp collecting and raise revenue. The USPS is reportedly encouraging people to mail their nominations in or post them on Facebook and Twitter. The USPS is also allowing ordinary Americans to upload photos on the USPS website to create postage stamps using their own pictures.

Finally! It's about time the US Post Office came to the realization that stamps have more value as a collectors item than for actually mailing things. 

For years the post office has been going about this all wrong. Instead of catering to the 3% of people who still actively mail things and senior citizen collectors they should have been targeting the younger demographic. It just makes sense. Nobody mails stuff anymore, and if your main consumer group is 75+ years old, well you're going to run out of customers at a pretty alarming rate (due to natural attrition). 

But if you go younger? Look at Pogs. Circle pieces of cardboard with a cartoon picture on them. Kids went ape shit for those things, myself included. Hell, I still have tubes of pogs and slammers in my parents attic, just in case that fad comes back in style.  There's no reason stamps can't be the same way. You start slapping tamaguchi's and piccachu's on those things and kids will be lining up so fast to buy stamps you'll have to start opening kiosks at the mall. 

My top suggestions:

1) Snooki - If only to see my grandfathers face when he adds Snooki to his collection, right next to Dwight Eisenhower and John F. Kennedy. Part horrified and part confused as to who the oompa-loompa is and why she's famous enough to be on a stamp. It would be priceless.

2) The Biebs - Justin Bieber drives young girls crazy. Young girls drive the economy. Ergo de facto, put Justin Bieber on as many products as possible and watch this country rise out of the recession, stamps included. 

3) Lady Gaga - I just feel like the Gay and Lesbian market is probably a tough market to reach in the stamp game. These are sophisticated people, they're not mailing things. But they'll sure as hell support Gaga since she gets up on her soap box for them every chance she gets. 

4) Barrack Obama - Just kidding, post office would probably have to shutter its doors forever.

PS: You're kidding yourself if you don't think I'm uploading some kind of Alt-Tab stamp the first chance I get. I mail like 3 things a year, but that'll increase for sure.

Redneck Makes Guido Tank Top Out of Underwear

Photo From Uncoached 

Gonna be honest, I'm not completely  hating on this guy...I mean yea, the fact that it's underwear is ridiculous, but let's be serious, at least the guy picked Hanes and not Fruit of the Loom. This would be 100x worse with that fruit basket tag smack dab in the middle of his back. 

But beyond the choice of garment here, he's not all that out of style. Guido's have been wearing bra-style tank tops for a few years now. What's the difference? Their's were meant to be shirts and this guy's tank probably fondled his pork sword yesterday? Minor details in the life of a redneck, minor details.

Nice Bra Guy

Two Headed Cats Aren't Called Siamese Cats?

Two-faced cat earns Guinness world record: MyFoxBOSTON.com

WORCESTER (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - A Worcester cat has two names, one body, two faces, and now a spot in the Guinness World Records. Frank and Louie was born with two faces, a condition called Janus. Cats born this way generally live a day or two, but the Worcester Telegram & Gazette says Frank and Louie are celebrating their 12th birthday. That is a world record.

Yes! Another chance to ad-lib an El Pres Post (Quotations hypothetical, of course):

GET IT OFF ME! I literally spit out my coffee and I wasn't even drinking coffee. This has to be some kinda sign of the apocalypse, or some shit. Cats born this way normally live a day or two, huh? No shit hunny. Cats with one head are enough of a terror, demon cats spawning second heads just can't be tolerated. I in no way condone violence against animals, but this thing isn't your average animal, and I'm fairly certain cat owners are off'ing two headed cats after a day of dealing with their devious ways. It's just too much cat to handle, even the crazy cat ladies from TLC couldn't put up with this shit. It's diabolical.

In all seriousness though, how is the name of the condition for a two headed cat called Janus? Not Siamese? Really guys? Am I wrong for thinking that we call Siamese twins, Siamese twins because of the cats? I'm so confused right now, like if ever there was a layup case of something being Siames-ish I thought this would be it. Now I'm going to have to go spend an hour or so on wikipedia figuring this shit out. Might as well call out of work today.

Sharing an eyeball must absolutely suck

Quick Slants: Musings and Thoughts after 3 weeks of “Foo’BAWL!!!”

Like every NFL season, the 2011-2012 version has brought us some great headlines, surprising side stories, and the head scratchingly bizarre.  Some of this stuff most of us will claim we saw coming, other events are completely out of left field, but all of them are part of my Quick Slants: Weeks 1-3 edition.  Instead of doing a specifically tailored dissection of one game, I’ll just give a bunch of short observation’s I’ve had of the NFL landscape every few weeks, to keep it fresh and interesting (translation: so that I don’t have to write/you don’t have to read a 1200 word post when this is so much easier.)  With that, off we go

*The New England Patriots literally look like a carbon copy of the 2004-2005 Phoenix Suns:  One half absolutely ridiculous, perfectly paced offense that can stack up points so fast the scoreboard can’t even keep track like the DDR showdown from Grandma's Boy; one half tissue paper thin defense with more holes in it than Sonny Corleone’s body does after the tollbooth scene in The Godfather.

*The Oakland Raiders, after going through many treatments, have finally seemed to have recovered from the suckitude that the malignant disease “JeMarcus Russell-it is” left them with for years.  We are looking at a team that, had they been able to stem a late surge by the Bills, that could be 3-0 right now.  Holy shit.  I am looking at that right, the Raiders?? Yeah…I am.  Plenty of season for them to mess it up, but at least they look like a decent football team so far.  Darren McFadden is transforming into a top tier running back with every passing week.  Oh, and they also have a walking potential felony in their drunk ass kicker Sebastian Janikowski, who just so happens to also had a right leg made of titanium as he makes 50 yard field goals all day.  Fun all around with this group

*I can’t help but wonder if Adrian Peterson just signed his way into being “Barry Sanders 2.0.”  Not in terms of production; Barry, in my opinion, was the best running back to ever play the game.  But in signing a 7 year, 100 million dollar deal, he’s essentially locked himself into a losing franchise that frankly doesn’t have much going on besides him.  McNabb is completely and utterly cooked, Leslie Frazier is making fans pine for Brad Childress (maybe not, Childress was truly awful) and can’t force a turnover for their lives.  Oh, and they’ve been outscored 67-6 in the second half of their games.  If Adrian signed for the money, good move.  If he signed to be on a winning club….yikes.

*Who in the hell saw the Buffalo Bills being the only team left in the AFC going 3-0??  The proverbial walking joke of the past 5 to 10 seasons, a group of football based futility that if you saw on your favorite teams schedule, you instantly penciled your team in for a win?  Yeah, not happening this year.  Ryan Fitzpatrick is absolutely GUNNING.  He has a competent receiving core in Stevie Johnson, Donald Jones, and David Nelson.  Fred Jackson, long an under rated back, is tearing through defenses with reckless abandon.  That being said, in way am I penciling the Bills for a Superbowl Birth simply on their early success.  They still have a truly AWFUL defense that struggles particularly against the run.  It will be tough for them to win games if their offense fizzles at all.  (NOTE: Did anyone see the dwarf athletic trainers the Bills had during the Aaron Willams injury this past Sunday?  Dude is living proof that Gimli and his kin aren’t just mythical beings of Middle Earth. Linky goodness here)

*The NFC west is absolutely terrible.  In other fascinating news, the sun rose still in the East and set in the West today. (I’d like to take this opportunity to give Frank Gore the middle finger.  You’re one of the main reasons my Yahoo fantasy team sucks.  Thanks, ass)

*The Eagles, despite the constant media blow jobs they received upon signing all these amazing Pro Bowl players, are 1-2 due to a secondary that apparently skipped the section of camp where they learned how to tackle, an offensive line more porous than a sponge, and their premier quarterback’s propensity to dangerously run out of the pocket has caused him to suffer a concussion and a broken hand in back to back weeks.  Just another sign that hype and NFL “analysts” (edit: meathead dumbfucks who used to play football, so they think they are intelligent) anointing you as the team to beat in preseason means absolutely dick.

*In a really pleasant turn of events, the Detroit Lions are 3-0 and look every bit as talented as they have been touted.  It’s taken a few years for all the pieces to assemble and Matthew Stafford to stay healthy, but I can’t help but love this team.  Maybe it’s partially out of my affection for Barry Sanders, maybe I can sympathize with a city that has had next to nothing sports related to root for in years.  But these guys are awesome on both sides of the ball.  Stafford can sling it like a boss and Calvin Johnson (aptly named Megatron) is a freak in a league where wide receivers are already freakishly athletic human beings.  Ndamukong Suh and Kyle Vandenbosch are a TWO MAN pass rush.  Just awesome shit to watch, and I actually hope it continues (if for no other reason than to justify having them play every thanksgiving.  This year they might actually…play a competitive game?!? I didn’t think Thanksgiving could get any better.)