A Few Rules Before Inviting Me Out

I like visiting people, getting together, having a good time, all that stuff.  I really do. What I don't like is the process of getting together, planning, coordinating, traveling, and figuring out the proper time to leave.  It's a pain in the ass and it stresses me out. There was a time not so long ago where I was literally up for anything and everything but now, a couple years older, and whole lot crankier I need some firm set rules In order to avoid myself having a heart attack before I'm 30.  I'd ask everyone to consider the following:

Straight Forward Invite

1. Planning and Coordinating

If you need to call or text me more than once or twice to let me know the time, place, or anything to bring, I'm not coming. There is nothing worse than receiving 8 updates and plan changes, this is just a friendly get together, not the Democratic National Convention, there really isn't that much shit to consider here.  

If I'm put in charge of organizing, I'm sending out the details once. If you can make it, great, if not oh well, but the plans aren't changing.  Nothing raises my blood pressure more than trying to take into consideration everyones schedules and wants and needs. It shouldn't be that difficult, you either want to get together and go out or you don't, no need to have someone babysit the process.

If the GPS annoys me along the way, I'm turning back.

2. Traveling


I hate the traveling part more than the planning and coordinating part. I've said it many times before, but I'll be first in line for the first teleportation device, doesn't matter the cost.


If you live more than 10 minutes from highways 495, 93, or 95, chances are I'm not going to visit you. There are a handful of people that I'll bend that rule for, but even then I'll do it while bitching and moaning.


If the destination requires me changing highways more than once, I'm not visiting you, same exceptions as above apply.


If the plan involves me traveling 30 minutes to reach a destination (a bar for example) when similar destinations exist within 15-20 minutes, I'm probably not going (I'll go if I really cant convince others to go some place closer).

If it sucks bad enough to warrant a shirt
you can leave after 2 hours.

3. What Time Should I leave


Lets get this straight first and foremost, I am leaving. I'm not sleeping over unless the destination is over an hour and a half away from my bed or I'm hammered beyond the point of being able to sober up in an hour or two. And even if that is the case, don't be shocked if I leave at some point in the middle of the night. It's no offense, I just can't stand sleeping away from my bed.  I want to wake up, grab an advil, toss on the tv, and go back to bed. And after that I want to get up again and eat a greasy breakfast.  What I don't want is a 45 minute drive with my head resting on my shoulder fighting back puke while I bomb down the highway cursing myself for having a few too many drinks once again.


Beyond that I'd like to avoid the uncomfortable "when is everyone going to leave" moment.  You know what was awesome about kids birthday parties growing up? They had set time limits. Parents were told the party was from 2-6 and if you didn't pick up your kid by 6 pm, well that child was fending for itself.  The same should apply to adults. 


Society also needs to work on a set acceptable time frame for politely bailing early on parties/events that end up sucking.  It doesn't happen often but every now and then I'm stuck out some place tremendously boring but I feel obligated to stick around as not to appear rude. This needs a resolution. I propose a two hour rule.  If you can manage to stick it out at a boring bar or dead party for two hours  you should be able to just get up and leave without any judgement from others. You did your time, paid your friend dues, and now you're done. Have a nice night, see ya next time.