Police In New Hampshire Have A Serious Massachusetts Inferiority Complex

He's got a gun!

(FOX25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - The Pelham Police Department is asking residents to be on the lookout for a suspicious man seen in the Veteran’s Park on Mammoth Road, possibly carrying a rifle. Patrol units and State Troopers evacuated the park to do a search but all came up with negative results. Police believe this man is not a threat at this time but are encouraging anyone who sees suspicious activity or individuals to contact the Pelham Police department.

10-1 odds he was just carrying a stick, just New Hampshire and their old Boston/mass inferiority complex rearing its ugly head.  Just can’t handle that we’re a real state with real news and issues. Like I can definitely see the Pelham cops sitting around watching the news about the shootout in Brighton yesterday, feeling all sorry for themselves and then overreacting to some guy carrying a walking stick through park, manufacturing this news story out of thin air. I see your game NH.

Most Annoying Thing in the World? Fire Alarm with Dead Batteries

Is there anything more annoying than the fire alarm who’s battery is dying?  Like without fail it happens at 2 in the morning, when no one in their right mind is getting up to change it, except you’re not sleeping with that incessant BEEP!, every 90 seconds, just not happening…so you get up to change it, and in the aggravation of the whole process you’ve completely woken yourself up,  your nights sleep is shot.

But it get’s worse…because fire alarms take those retarded square shaped batteries, everyone has a bunch of those lying around, right? They’re so handy…for sure, not. Fairly certain that the fire alarm industry is the only thing keeping  Retarded Square battery (refuse to call it by its name) in business.

And it get’s even worse…I have 15 foot ceilings, and god for-fucking bid we put these things a reasonable height, so your average non-jolly green giant can rectify the situation. I go down to the utility room to find a ladder, the 4 foot ladder is there. I’m 5’10 with shoes on. I can’t reach. End result, I suffer through the incessant beeping for 2 days until some dickhead neighbor finally returns the big ass ladder to the uitility room and I climb up it, risking my life and limb after a couple of beers to finally put my long national nightmare to rest.

I understand they’re for safety, but I’m seriously starting to question the logic behind that..because if I wake up one more frigen time to that sound in the next year, I’m going to kill someone. Just snap and go on a homicidal rage, and my defense will be the fire alarm made me to it. And, I’m pretty sure I’d get off, not a member of the jury that wouldn’t sympathize with my situation. 

Brokers With Hands on their Faces Blog Is Killing My Readership

(EndPlay Staff Reports) - It's hard to find any humor on Wall Street this week, especially with the downgrade from the S&P; however, a few blogs aim to entertain with pictures of stock brokers at their lowest lows. One of those blogs, The Brokers With Their Hands on Their Faces Blog , is making a comeback with new pictures of devastated brokers from this week. The blog, created by Matthew R. Robison, was a viral internet sensation back in 2008 during the first economic crisis, The New York Times reported. Robinson's blog simply features pictures and no commentary. Images range from brokers with their hands slapped to their foreheads, to fingers pinching the bridges of noses. The 28-year-old had all but left the blog to fend for itself back in 2009, when he started getting emails from viewers all around the world when the market began falling last week.

Just what I needed, more fucking blogging competition…you traders are already making my day job worse by the frigen minute, now you’ve got to come mess this up for me too? Whatever this is.

 What a cunt-bastard too, all but ditching a blog for 2 years, coming back just to strike when the iron’s hot? Where’s the dedication bro? How are people fooled by this phony…I’m out here busting my ass every single day, for like an average of .20 cents an hour, and this guy can just post a few pictures and captions and garner millions of hits and be a media darling after outright quitting two years ago? That's just not right, not right at all. I’m sitting here, worried about if I’ll have any readers left when I get back from a two week vacation and this guy’s rolling in internet traffic, profiting on our economies misery. The world’s a dicked up place.

Are These "Stars Without Their Makeup" Pieces Supposed to Boost My Self-Esteem?

Fox News - Check out which stars look plain frumpy without makeup and who should fire their makeup artists.

I  never understand how I’m supposed to feel when I read stories like this, which I find myself doing all too often. Am I supposed to feel pride that stars looking like shit look just like I do when I look like shit? Because it’s not doing it for me…

Like, sure everyone looks like a goblin when they’re hungover, unshowered, strung out on heroine, etc…the difference is when these people actually get ready to go out, they look 1000x better than I ever do,  and I’m not an ugly dude, it’s just not even close. 

You want to boost my self-esteem show me pics of Heidi and Spencer living in his parents basement because they're broke, that's the kind of stuff that warms my heart and enables me to get through my days...not knowing that celebrities who look like shit look just like me, that's just mean.

Stock Market Plunges Again...Can We Just Shut The Stock Market Down for a Few Days?

Maybe one reason for the insanity is we have babies trading stocks?

Boston - Back to reality and back down, Wall Street focused on the bleak landscape ahead for the economy Wednesday and wiped out its big gains from a day earlier — and then some. The Dow Jones industrial average closed down 519 points and has now lost more than 2,000 in less than three weeks. Swings of several hundred points in just minutes, accelerated by computerized trading, have become commonplace. This time, the selling was intensified by worries about in Europe. American bank stocks took hits because investors fretted that debt problems overseas might reach the United States. France came under pressure amid concerns that it could follow the U.S. and become the next country to lose its top AAA rating. The French president cut his vacation short and promised to slash the nation’s debts.

How about just don’t open the fucking stock market today? Just don’t fucking do it. Monday either for that matter…Let everything shake out for a few days, digest the cluster fuck of information that’s been thrown out there this past week, and then go back at it fresh on Tuesday, clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose (am I using that right?).

The thing is, I’m tired of working until after 8 pm this week, it sucks. Just sitting in my cube trying to figure out what the hell went on during the day…it’s mind boggling to keep up with right now. Like one second Tuesday I’m getting ready for a depressing night, DOW down 250 and sinking, literally 18 minutes later it’s closing up 400…how the fuck am I supposed to react to that? How is that rational? Goddamnit!

So for the good of the country, and for my own personal sanity, just shut that shit down for a few days, lock the doors, don’t let the traders near computers, and lets figure this shit out together (frigen traders, flipping the switch from buy to sell depending on the direction of the cross wind, I blame those asshats for just about everything). 

CW Critiques All the "People You Don't Want to Sit Next to on a Plane" Lists

Guyism - It’s the middle of the summer. There’s a whole lot of traveling going on. You’ve either recently been on a plane, are currently on a plane, or will be on a plane in the near future. So, you’re more than familiar with the “seating lottery.” You know, those horrible few minutes when you’re sitting in your assigned seat praying you end up next to a Kate Upton look-alike who smells like a vanilla bean, when in reality, you’ll end up next to one of the following people on this list.

So this story has been all over the place the past few days and the timing couldn’t be more perfect  with CW going on a two week vacation starting this Friday afternoon…yea that’s right, you’ll have to adjust for a couple weeks without my daily blogs of sunshine and roses, and cynical skepticism. I’ll still keep you updated with a batch of links a day, maybe a post every now and then, but anything more than that and I’m sure the girlfriend would kill me or ground me from the internet or something…Dr. Jack would be kind to give an update or two, and I’m pretty sure gambling season is around the corner (COUGH, Maestro, COUGH)

Anyway…I’m not sure this could have been a more pointless article. It’s not that I disagree that all of these people are annoying, but I’m certain you could have just stopped at: People are Annoying to sit next to on an airplane…no need to further expunge.

I’ve straight up hated just about everyone I’ve ever sat next to on an airplane (family and friends excluded). It’s just an aggravating situation, some stranger sharing elbow and thigh room with you for anywhere from 45 minutes to half a day, breathing the same 3x3 feet space of air, doing everything possible to annoy you.

And I don’t think I’m perfect either, I’m annoying as shit to sit next to , the most figety person you’ll ever meet. Adjusting my arms, adjusting my legs, grabbing my magazine, putting it back, adjusting my crotch, attempting to sleep, adjusting my crotch, grabbing my magazine, adjusting my crotch, biting my nails, biting my nails, attempting to sleep…it’s gotta be exhausting for the people next to me to try and keep track of what I’m up to.

It’s no ones fault, people just weren’t meant to be stuffed into steel tube shoulder to shoulder for hours on end. Throw in the fact that whoever designed the airplane chair is a complete dickhead (seriously, why does the top of the chair lean forward, who the fuck wants to crane their neck forward for an entire flight? How has that not been rectified yet?) and you’ve got a recipe for disaster…the fact that multiple fistfights per flight don’t break out is a minor miracle.

Old Man Shoots Kids Playing Ding, Dong, Ditch...Promptly Gets Arrested.

Florida - Taking the law into his own hands...lands an elderly Fort Lauderdale man behind bars...and a child in the hospital. Police Detective Travis Mandell says several kids were seen banging on 79 year old, James McIvery's apartment and then running off. He reportedly told cops he came out with a gun in hand and fired two shots into the ground as way to scare off the pranksters. One of the bullets hit a 12 year old. The boy was shot in the stomach- post surgery he is said to be in stable condition. McIvery is charged with aggravated battery with a firearm.

Glad the kid is in stable condition, but I'm not sure what this Old Man McIvery is being charged for? I mean the rules of Ding, Dong, Ditch are fairly clear, if you're willing to participate in the timeless battle between youths and the elderly, then you're accepting the risks that come along with that life...it's kind of like the mob in that regard. This kid isn't some innocent civilian caught in a crossfire, kid just didn't come out on top on this particular day, head just wasn't in the game.  As far as I'm concerned, score one for the elderly and move on to fight another day.  Make no mistake about it, if the aggravation of repeated ding, dong, ditch had given Old Man McIvery a heart attack we wouldn't be charging this pack of unruly youths with aggravated assault, we'd just chalk it up to boys being boys. Well it's about time we start chalking up old cranky men shooting wild'n youths as old men being old men. It's time for the double standard to stop, and it needs to start with Old Man McIvery.

Phone Number on Matchbox Tow Truck is Actually a Sex Hot Line

MARIETTA, Ga. -- Like many little boys his age, 3-year-old Carter Vaughn of Marietta loves playing with his toy cars and trucks. But he won't be playing with one of his newer ones any more. "I called the number and I got a real shocker," said Jan Barnett. "It was a sex line," Carter's grandmother added. We called it, too, and sure enough, it is. 

Is anyone really surprised by this? I've kinda just assumed that sex lines only stay in business because of curious kids, like there is no way adults actually call these things with the readily available resources of porn and hookers...you'd have to be an idiot to be charged a few bucks a minute to chat over the phone with some heffer from the midwest talking in throaty hushed tones...gotta be just as cheap to go pick-up a local whore for a quick throw, no? Growing up the coolest kid was always the one willing to dial up 1-800-HOT-SEXX, or whatever the number of the week was, and deal with the repercussions when his parents got the phone bill later. I'd wager on any given day 90% of all phone calls to sex lines are from kids under the age of 14...there's just no way adults are sitting around a speaker phone getting giggles listening to some phone operator talk dirty, no way.

PS: Love how the reporter was angling for the toy at the end of the video as a "collectors item." Bullshit buddy, we all know what you're up to.

Beaking News from Boston: Iced Coffee is Really Popular!

Boston.Com - Until a couple of years ago, iced coffee usually meant a big, sweaty aluminum cylinder of the stuff, weakening as the ice melted, spigot at-the-ready. Or worse: in the fridge, bitter and over-concentrated, chilled from a breakfast pot. It was, for so long, the Rodney Dangerfield of coffee...The conversation spread as temperatures rose in summer 2010 (Boston’s hottest on record). By 2011, another summer of record heat, baristas and their marketers had perfected their game - and their iced coffee. Consumers are lapping it up. “Coffee sales always drop in the summer,’’ explained Nathaniel Howell, sales manager of Terroir Coffee in Acton, a supplier of high-end beans to area cafes. “This summer there’s no drop in sales. It’s because of iced coffee.’’ Managers at several Starbucks locations say that about 80 percent of coffee sales this summer are iced.

STOP THE PRESSES!...I think the Globe is onto something here...people like Ice Coffee? I feel like Boston.Com maybe sitting on a potential goldmine here.  Someone nominate the person who scooped this story for a pulitzer, stat!

Seriously, though, does the Globe (or boston.com, I can never tell the difference) really believe Iced Coffee first became wildly popular in 2010? Is old media that slow to react, can't be right? They just couldn't think of anything else to write or something (the same reason they're running the "best beaches" article for the 78th time this summer)?  Iced Coffee has been popular for the better part of the decade now, hell I see a ton of people walking around the city with iced coffee's from Dunks during the middle of January, never mind when the temperature gets hot.

PS: Why on earth is the Globe plugging Dunks and Starbucks in a local article about iced coffee brewers? Really think they need the free advertising? How about a plug for the best coffee house in the city, Boston Common Coffee Co.  I personally don't know what method they use in brewing their iced coffee, nor do I care...it tastes fantastic and gets me through my day...which is all that really matters when it comes to coffee...I'm not concerned with nutty and floral undertones or the purity of the icing process, just make sure it tastes good by the time it reaches my cup please.