The Wienermobile is Hiring! I'd Drop This Blog So Fast to Drive that thing.

That Hotdog is about to do bad things to that cow.

Boston Globe - Oscar Meyer is taking resumes until the end of January for one-year spots as Hotdoggers. As an official company ambassador, you'll set up, publicize, and attend promotional and charity events in the oh-so-stylin' Wienermobile. And you may need to do radio interviews or make television appearances. What are they looking for? First, it helps to have an upbeat, bubbly personality. They'd also prefer that you have a BA or BS in communications, PR, journalism, advertising, marketing. But if you really think you're Hotdogger material they'll consider other majors. If you get hired, the gig comes with a "competitive'' salary (What does this mean? Are there legions of other Hotdoggers out there who might be making more or less than Oscar Meyer pays?), expenses, benefits, and clothing. They send you to Hot Dog High in lovely Madison, Wis., for training on Oscar Meyer's products, how to run your own PR operation, and, most importantly, how to drive the Wienermobile.

You're kidding yourself if you don't think I applied as soon as I saw this. I may not be in PR, but I have a blog and know how to twitter, that's gotta count, right? Who needs a marketing degree, I'm pretty sure the gigantic hotdog shaped car does the trick on that front, it's all personality from there.

I'd be perfect for the job, just live, eat, and breathe Oscar Meyer.  I'd be ruthless too, parking right in front of ice cream trucks to block them out, shelling out hotdogs and bologna on hot summer days, free ketchup and mustard for everyone. I'd be the hero of the neighborhood.

The only real downside I see is trying to park this thing inconspicuously during your down time. Like there's just no way you can roll up to shop for groceries or hit you local bar in this thing. You'd be mobbed like a celebrity in seconds, when all you want is to blow off a little steam and relax.  Wienermobile drivers are people too, they don't always want to be in the spot light.  

Woman Tries to Claim Gigantic Wart on Foot is a 3rd Nipple.

Daily Mail - Lily Allen proudly showed hers off on television, Mark Wahlberg's famous for his and just last week, Zac Efron was forced to deny he has two. But a 22-year-old woman has trumped them all - by growing a full-sized extra nipple on the sole of her foot. Although one in 50 women and one in 100 men have extra nipples, according to the California-based Dermatology Journal it's the first time one has ever been discovered so far down somebody's body. The woman told doctors she had had the unusual growth - which is almost two inches wide - all her life, and it had never caused her any pain.

 Oh come on lady, I know a disgusting bunion/wart when I see one and that's exactly what that is.  You know why doctors haven't ever seen a nipple on the bottom of someone's foot before? Because people don't have nipples on the bottoms of their feet! What the hell would it be doing down there? Looks like some doc just outright failed his anatomy class in med-school.

And I get it...this girls probably lost countless boyfriends because of that humongous wart (it looks like it has to be fed 3x a day), but you're not fooling anyone calling it a nipple, and frankly it doesn't help at all, its still disgusting as fuck.  It's not like some guys going to find it, freak out, and then calm down when you just explain that it's your third nipple, that's all. No freaking way. I'd snap a pic with my cellphone, send it to all my friends and then get the hell out of there. You'd never see me again.

Do yourself a gigantic favor, nipple, mole, carnivorous wart, whatever that hell that is, go to a real doctor and get that thing lanced off and move on with your life, never speak of this again.

15 Year Old At Modeling Camp Told To "Work on her Height"

Daily Mail - Perhaps justifiably, the modelling industry doesn’t have the sweetest reputation. Just ask 15-year-old Danielle Samuel, who has been told to ‘work on her height’ by a Wilhelmina modelling agency rep. Visiting New York from Saint Lucia, the youngster was given the sage advice by the international modelling agency as part of her $999 Modeling Camp.  Speaking to the New York Daily News, the teen said that the modelling agency rep had told her ‘she had really good facial expressions,’ but that her height needed some attention. ‘I just need to work on my height, because I'm a little short,’ said Ms Samuel.

You know who's not going to be the Next Top Model? This girl. Because if there is one thing I know about Tyra, its that she hates, hates, a tattle tale.  A little piece of advice for this 15 year old, if you go to a modeling camp and they tell you to work on your height, you work on your height. You don't go running to your local rag of a newspaper and complain about how they didn't tell you you're perfect and the prettiest girl ever.   This isn't self-esteem camp, this is modelling camp.  If they want you to look more like a gangly ostrich, you do it. 

By the way, what the hell goes on at modeling camp? Like what does the $999 cover? A bunch of teenage girls living out a fantasy that they are way too ugly to ever fulfill?  Aside from practicing walking and techniques for throwing up what else are they possibly doing with that $999? It certainly isn't covering meals, we know that, so where is the money going? Lessons on how best to attract a rich older man after your career doesn't work out?

Kentucky Man Arrested for DUI During Demolition Derby

Columbia Tribune - A man in Kentucky — of course, it was Kentucky — was arrested after the Jessamine County Fair demolition derby event and charged with drunken driving. Filed under D for “Duh!,” it seems that David L. Warner Jr. consumed a few Bud Lights before hopping in his clunker and ramming into the other competitors. I mean, he could have hurt somebody! Police received numerous complaints, so they came down to the fairgrounds and became suspicious when they noticed him swerving. No truth to the rumor that they also cited him for not using his turn signals and for having a broken taillight. After Warner won, police observed him staggering and having trouble standing. Surely it had nothing to do with a bunch of cars running into each other. Afterward, Jessamine County’s finest plodded over to the bumper cars, where they proceeded to ticket kids for reckless driving.

Wow, talk about shoddy journalism, I don't think the original writer could have been further off here.  The man wasn't arrested for DUI and public safety reasons, the dude was arrested for using performance enhancing substances.

I've got $100 dollars that the numerous complaints came from competing drivers after this dude just came out like a bat out of hell, steam rolling the competition.  I can't think of a better performance enhancer for a demolition derby than a 12 pack of Bud Heavy's and liquid courage.  Barry Bonds himself, injecting HGH and stem cells from baby fetus' wouldn't have had more of an advantage than this guy rolling through a demolition derby completley faced. 

How Depressing Would A Cruise to Detroit Be?

Take your family on a cruise to the Ghost communities around Detroit!

Detroit - The 100 tourists who will visit Detroit on Monday will be different from the city's usual visitors. They'll arrive not by car or bus or train or plane, but by cruise ship. On Monday, the Grande Mariner will become the first cruise ship to dock at the new Detroit/Wayne County Port Authority terminal on the riverfront near Hart Plaza. By coincidence, the port authority will hold a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new $22-million facility Monday, featuring Mayor Dave Bing and Wayne County Executive Robert Ficano, among others.  The passengers arriving aboard the Grande Mariner already have their sightseeing mapped out, Jamian said. "Believe it or not, they're very excited to see General Motors' world headquarters" in the Renaissance Center, he said. "That's a big draw. Greenfield Village is the second big draw. Detroit is getting a lot of action these days."

I mean maybe this exciting if you're from like Flint? I don't know, I just can't imagine the walk of life you have to be from to think a cruise to Detroit is going to be a good time. Maybe Detroit is tropical to Canadians?  If my Dad ever came home and was  like "pack your bags kids we're going on a cruise to Detroit!", I'm pretty sure I'd just have rolled my eyes and assumed it was his idea of a joke.

And with cruise industries basically giving away cruises to get people on board you have to wonder what kind of promotions are going to go along with a cruise to Detroit.  Maybe a 5 day trip and a years worth of food stamps? A 7 Day Journey and an abandoned warehouse down town?  Families of 5 or more get a 3 month time share as owners of the Detroit Lioins?

The Worlds First Cannonball Dookie

Gross, absolutely, no argument here, just adding this to the list of reasons I don't swim in lakes (we're up to leeches, duck itch, and human shit, if you're following at home).

But you have to respect the coordination and timing involved here.  I mean sprinting with bowls full of shit is awkward enough, but running, jumping, and tucking your knees to your chest before pushing? That takes some serious coordination, like double jointed shit or something.

And that's without even mentioning the timing. 1 second early and he just shit all over the dock, 1 second later and he's splashing down in his own fecal filth.  But our man here just pulled off sheer perfection, and on the first take no less (which is good because I imagine there's a lot of down time between takes, no chance you can plop out logs like that more than once a day, right?)

Bus Driver and Baby Stroller Show Down Snarls Traffic for Hours

A traffic jam of baby strollers, single mothers, young children and an angry driver on the Number 52 bus caused an-hour-long traffic jam on Joseph Howe Drive Tuesday afternoon. Mandy Fitzgerald, 24, was one of six single mothers who paid her bus fare and pushed her stroller onto the bus around 12:10 Tuesday afternoon with her three- and four-year-old children in tow. Each of the women was pushing a regular-sized baby stroller and had just come from a parenting class. Another woman also had her two small children with her. Fitzgerald says the group folded up some seats designed to make room for wheelchairs in order make space for the strollers, prompting an angry reproach from the driver. "As soon as we got on the bus, the bus driver said 'Don't put up the seats,' but we did anyway because there was no room," Fitzgerald told News 95.7. "We put up the seats and he freaked out and called security." The women were told to get off the bus, but refused and subsequently the driver refused to operate the bus.  A Metro Transit supervisor was called and then police. Several police cars and Metro Transit vehicles surrounded the bus, with the women inside, but no police action was taken. "They called them to try to get us off the bus, but they couldn't get us off the bus," said the mother of four. "One cop actually said 'I'm not going to be the one to kick all these single mothers off the bus with all their kids."

So torn here. On the one hand I see the bus driver as somewhat of a hero, enough is enough with open strollers on buses and subways, fold that shit up and hold your kid for a few minutes, it aint gonna kill ya.  

On the other hand it's not like he was sticking up for everyone, in fact he wasn't really sticking up for anyone, just some hypothetical handicap passengers, none of whom happened to be on or waiting for the bus at the time.  Like hey jerkoff, I'm not handicapped, but I don't like having this double wide stroller knocking into my knee every time you hit a pothole either, how about standing up for the little guy too.

My biggest problem with this story? The cops. Hey guys you're paid to get in there and make the peace, not waffle like a bunch of indecisive broads, playing  with children's toys instead of making tough decisions. Either side with the women or the bus driver, but pick something and move the fuck on.  I'd be furious if I was sitting behind this thing and found out it was a simple argument over strollers, you'd think there was a hostage situation if this thing was lasting over an hour.  It's one of two decisions guys, you tell the bus driver to shut up and do his job or you tell the mom's to fold up the carriages and quit their bitching. Jesus, does CW have to do everything around here?

Officials Finally Decide to Drain Fall River Pool, Like 3 Weeks After Body Found in Murky Waters

FALL RIVER (AP) - A swimming pool where a woman's body lay unnoticed in murky water for days is being drained as part of the investigation into her drowning death. Authorities working on the investigation in Fall River, about 50 miles south of Boston, expected to need most of the weekend to pump nearly a quarter-million gallons of water from the pool into nearby sewers. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Pool at Lafayette Park was closed after 36-year-old Marie Joseph's body surfaced June 28, perhaps two days after she drowned. Authorities have said the cloudy water hid her body in the pool's murky deep end. The death of the Newport, R.I., hotel housekeeper from Haiti has been ruled an accident.

So draining the pool isn't standard procedure after finding a floater? I mean how many more mistakes can this pool make. What did they do the day they found the body floating in murky water? Skim it out and add some chlorine and shock and check the pH balance? The fuck is going on down in Fall River these days? Can we just get them some general pool maintenance lessons and try to move on past this? I mean every day a new headline embarrasses the city more and more.  Guys the pool should have been drained like 3 weeks ago. There was a dead body in it for days...use some common sense, we're not trying to start a new bubonic plague here.

Boston Ascends to its Rightful Position: Named Meanest City in America.

DEAR BOSTON: Your personality test has been completed, and the results aren’t pretty. Actually, they are downright embarrassing. Two psychologists conducted a national survey, asking Americans questions designed to measure 24 “character strengths.’’ They grouped some of these strengths, like gratitude and valuing emotional connections, as “strengths of the heart’’ - a fancy way of saying kindness. And then, for each of the nation’s 50 largest cities, they calculated an average score. The conclusion: Boston came in at number 50. As in, dead last. As in, none of the country’s other major cities - not New York, not Los Angeles, not even Washington, D.C. - can match us for sheer smallness of spirit. We are officially the capital of mean...Now it would be easy, in typical Boston fashion, to get defensive at this point. Who do these people think they are - these outsiders, no less - taking potshots at our fair city? But there is a vital message here, one that we all need to hear. And I can assure you that these particular outsiders, the University of Michigan’s Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson, don’t have anything against us.

 Well thank goodness for that, I'd hate to think that we were becoming some ninny politically correct city like DC or the land of peace loving hippies, hipsters, and phonies like LA.  

And leave it to a bunch of outsiders complaining about us being "too mean" good lord people, pre-school was like 20+ years ago, newsflash you can't make it through life going around hugging and loving everyone you see while singing and dancing with an ambiguously gay purple dinosaur. Shit just isn't real life.

You're god damn right we're mean and guarded, it's the only way to keep everyone out of our business. Just let us be. We'll keep telling everyone how we're one of America's great cities and bragging about sports and the Greenway and shit, and making fun of people from other cities all we want.  Plus if you like everyone and every thing how do I know if you're being phony or not? Listen, no one is that happy-go lucky, we're just not full of shit like the rest of the country. We respect honesty, a solid 70% of the time people are miserable, worrying about bills, worrying about schedules and appointments, failing tests, projects at work, its all stressful, you've got to release it somewhere.

Plus, there's an us against them mentality here and its kinda served us well, if you believe you're the best and believe everyone else is inferior (even NY, though deep down what makes us so angry is that we know its not true), you'll be the best, so with all do respect, how about you shut the hell up and go bother some other city that maybe gives a care about what some dorky report out of Michigan says, because for the most part we're happy with they way things are...except for the goddamn winters, I hate the winters.