Polygamist Beaten By Wives for Being Polygamist

AOL News - You know you're dealing with a special household when a domestic argument turns into a case of gang assault. But witnesses in Pakistan say that's what happened to polygamist Mian Ishaq, who was beaten up by his first and second wives for allegedly conducting a secret wedding with a fourth wife -- and planning a fifth marriage. Ishaq was reportedly attending a friend's wedding reception with his third wife when his first two spouses, identified as Mehvish and Uzma, arrived with a score to settle, according to The Telegraph. The wives showed up with relatives and reportedly began overturning tables and threatening Ishaq's life, then attacked their husband with their shoes until police hauled them away."We know that he is trying to marry a fifth time, and he should be publicly humiliated for his behavior," she reportedly stated.  But Ishaq says the number of his wives has been greatly exaggerated -- adding that his first two wives have filed for divorce and are trying to force him to sell his home. He called their accusations "a blatant lie."

Look ladies, you knew the drill when you married this guy.  Let's not pretend this is something its not.  Guys a polygamist.  That's a fancy religious way for saying that he's going to trade up and leave you on the back burner when you get old and tired looking.  Sorry, facts are facts.  

So let's not throw a shit-fit when you find out you're just not doing it for him anymore, that's not an option.  You've got two choices here, divorce, or compete with these younger bitches.  Given that you live in Pakistan I'm going to assume that divorce would lead to some kind of death penalty by stoning, I'd say that's out.  So now its pretty clear what you have to do.  Go get yourself a gym membership, whip yourself into better shape than the new wives so you can catch your husbands attention, and wage a mental warfare on the younger gals.  Younger girls are crazy, you could easily push them to developing an eating disorder in two weeks time.  This isn't difficult, its in the Polygamist bride hand book, act like pros ladies.

  
By the way, beating him with Shoes? You're in Pakistan! There was probably 3 AK-47's just hanging out under each table, or at the very least a machete or two (I'm not sure how strict Muslims are about using firearms on Holy Days).  

Soccer Wrap Up: I Forget What Week This Is.

B8 continued their strong push to the finish last night with another victory in an OT thriller (that's right, overtime in the playoffs, thank god).  Things once again looked bleak early for B8, falling behind 2-Nil in the early goings, but they staged a tremendous defensive effort from the second goal on to tie the game at 2 a piece with 1:30 remaining on a great put-back by Amanda. 

After a scoreless 5 minute over time the game was fated to be decided by penalty kicks.  Chris "the human wall" Huz was spectacular in net turning away all but 1 of the opponents 5 shots (though in rather hysterical fashion he began celebrating after only 4 thinking the game was in hand).  Mazz made up for last weeks PK blunder by burying his shot in the back of the net and Pascal finished off the night with a tough shot to the lower left 90.  Final tally 2-1 good guys. 

Strong efforts all around last night, highlighed by the human cannon ball Ross barreling into and through teammates, opponents, goal posts, and at one point a bin full of tennis balls. Game ball goes to Kathryn as a season achievment award.  The stallwart of the scoring lines defense, Kathryn tirelessly has broken up run after run for the opposition.  Last night being no exception. 

Also Congrats to Mazz, his two game streak with no tussles is his longest of the season. 

Roseanne-Like Looking Woman Making Some Gross Demands

Meet Melissa Lee Williams. The West Virginia woman, 41, is facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct at a motor inn.  According to investigators, Williams--who lives four doors down from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn--showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to “eat my pussy.” At this point, Williams, pictured in the mug shot at right, “commenced to undress herself,” reported Deputy Ross Mellinger. While Danny Williams “declined said invitation,” the other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he “agreed to perform at her request.” However, as Watson approached Williams, “he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams.” Watson, understandably, “declined to proceed any further.” This is when Melissa Williams allegedly “produced a lock-back folding knife,” opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report: “Somebody is going to eat my pussy or I’m going to cut your fucking throat.”

Roseanne has to threaten people with knives for hook-ups?  I know she's no looker but I just assumed all that fame and money would have her pulling a steady train of younger dudes just hoping to catch a break in show business, while avoiding catching anything else.  Oh wait, that's not really her?  Wow, really had me fooled. 

Good luck at trial Melissa-Lee, and lets all just pray to God that they don't make the jurors sample just how foul her odor really was, a-la OJ trying on the bloody glove.  Though it would lead to a hysterical new rhyme...drum roll please...

 "Your Honor, If the Pink has a Stink, Throw Her in the Clink." Thank you, thank you very much, I'll be here all week.

Butt Dial Leads to Swat Team Storming School, Just Not How You Think

You guys can relax, it was just a Will Smith Album

SWAT teams swarmed a Chicago-area school Monday evening after some hip-hop music and an accidental phone call led a woman to believe her husband was being held hostage, officials said. Toting automatic weapons and clad in riot gear, SWAT team members stormed the Winnetka, Ill., school where the woman's husband works and searched it for nearly three hours — all because of a so-called "butt-dial."   "You know how when you sit on your phone when it's in your back pocket and it calls the last number that was dialed? His wife was the last number he'd dialed," Winnetka Police Chief Joseph De Lopez told the Chicago Tribune. "He was listening to music and he had, I don't know, hip-hop … or music like that, where there were lyrics that were gangster-like," said Mark Friedman, the school district's superintendent. "So there were lyrics on the radio as he was driving home, and she listened to it and became concerned." The wife, who was not identified, told 911 that when she received the call, she could not get her husband to respond, reported Pioneer Local, leading her to believe he was being held hostage by a gunman in his office. The sweep at the Carleton Washburne School ended when the man was found safe at home by police, the Tribune reported. The man, who is an administrative employee at the school, declined to comment on the situation.

Imagine the SWAT team's surprise when they showed up at that middle school and Snoop Dogg, Dr. Dre, and Ice Cube weren't there.  Must have been devestating. I've heard of butt dialing getting kids in trouble with their parents, getting people caught with their significant others, or even getting you in hot water with your boss at work, but never have I heard of a case where a butt dial led to a SWAT team storm.  This will go down in the mis-dial hall of fame.  

How much of a simpleton was this wife?  Like granted its definitely out of the norm for middle school teachers to be cruisin around after school blasting the musical stylings of Yung Money but still, did a few curse words really scare this woman enough to call the police and get a SWAT team to storm the school?  Like how frazzled could she have been on that call, I'd love to hear a transcript of it.  I'm surprised she was even able to be out of the house on her own at that point, woman must be afraid of her own shadow.  Probably one of those people who crosses to the other side of the street when she sees people walking her way that are under 20 years old. 

Meet the Celtics Newest Sponsor: Green Laser Prostate Surgery

Wait, What!?  So here I am casually driving home from work, listening to last nights pregame for the Celtics (victorious in a match up of the leagues best) and an adverstisement comes on claiming to be the official partner of the Boston Celtics, Green Light Laser Prostate Surgery (its Green, get it).  

Aside from the from the fact that I'd rather not be thinking about lasers and prostates on my drive home this got me thinking, does something like this really need to advertise? Do we really need people driving around in their cars and diagnosing their prostate problems and telling their Doc's (not to be confused with Rivers, though they did miss a golden opportunity by not having him pitch it) that they want a Green Laser pointed at their prostate because its the official Prostate Laser of Shaq, Baby, Pierce, and Rondo?  Isn't this something that should be discovered with your doctor in a medical office? Certainly not on the ride home in your beat up Accord while stuck in traffic on I-93 N.

And finally, you know you're definitely the oldest team in the league age wise when one of your sponsors is a Prostate Surgery solution.  I'd like to think all the players were offered 15% off if they scheduled an appointment before the second quarter.  What's next for this geriatric team? Adult incontinence solutions? Denture cream? Is the old "Help, I've Fallen and I Can't Get Up" lady going to be brought back as an honorary cheer leader?

Ed Hardy Deodorant

More appalling news this afternoon, apparently Ed Hardy, maker of t-shirts and hats for douche bags in all walks of life, also sells deodorant.  

Predictably named "Hearts and Daggers" (I assume because Death Before Dishonor was taken?) the deodorant promises "Ed Hardy Hearts & Daggers for Men has bright top notes of Anjou pear, fresh basil and Martini accord; white pepper, papaya and rosemary in the heart. The base notes are Katsura wood, suede, patchouli and sandalwood."

All for the convenient price of $15 a stick.  Although I can find no confirmation that when applied a stripe of Ed Hardy's signature will streak down your pits, I have little doubt that this would be the case.  Also no word on how easy it is to wash out the glitter and jewels that get trapped in your pit hair. 

Fox 25 Morning News Humor Fail...Crickets

Yikes, just absolute crickets. Even the tumbleweed was uncomfortable on that one...maybe leave the jokes to the Big Guy VB, you know, the guy hired to be funny.  Stick to reading off the teleprompter and doing random pieces on fashion once in a while, comedy and timing just aren't your thing.

Un-Killable Cow Goes on Rampage?

FORT PIERCE, Fla. — An elderly Fort Pierce man's run-in with an apparently unkillable cow on New Year's Day sent him to the hospital in critical condition. The cow, which had already been shot at least once by Wilcox with a .22 caliber pistol, wasn't going down without a fight. To get it off her husband, Wilcox's wife began ramming it repeatedly with her truck. When that didn't work, she opened fire with the pistol that Wilcox had dropped in the encounter. The crossbred cow, which sported 12 to 18-inch horns, was shot several times in the face, according to a police report. It was finally contained in the pasture. "(Wilcox’s wife) stated that the cow has always been nasty and had attacked her about a week ago causing bruises," the report states. 

Mother of God, this thing is like the Incredible Hulk of Cows, shooting it in the face only angers it.  So when they say it was contained in the pasture I assume that means the beast is still living?

I'm seriously scared of whats been going on in nature the past few days.   First there were the 1000's of birds randomly falling from the sky in Arkansas, followed by 1000's of fish washing up dead the next day, also in Ark.  Now there's a story of birds falling from the sky in Louisiana (and some guy claiming its not that unusual, yea it is buddy, unless your last names are Mulder or Fox and you work on the X-Files).  

And now we're dealing with some kind of mythical cow beast with gigantic horns that withstands gunshots to the face and rams with a truck? I don't know about you but I won't be taking any trips to the rural countryside anytime soon until all this shit blows over.  Its dangerous enough dealing with people, I don't need to be worrying about wild gangs of bovine attacking me, trying to milk me to make up for years of oppression and domestic farming, all set with that. 

PS: Lady, the first time a cow attacks me is the first time I shoot it.  How non-chalant about the Devil cow you have in your backyard can you be?  Frigen thing just raped your husband and ruffed you up and all you do is call it nasty? 

More Evidence That China is Overtaking USA

Dude, this is the worst sign yet that China is coming for us.  Next thing you know they'll have their own versions of Jackass and 16 and Pregnant.  Countries have mounted economic threats to the US before; Germany, Japan, USSR to new a few.  Common trait?  They all turned out to be non-threats.  

They had to work so hard to mount a serious challenge to our economy that their people never had time to goof off and they flamed out due to worker burn out.  I'm no economist but the work-hard, play-hard model the US has employed for generations seems to be the only successful way to build an economy.  China has recognized this and is now on to us. 

And yea you always hear stories about the economic divide in China between the people in the rich big cities and the majority of the people who live in poor, rural country side settings.  But if this is what those country bumpkin Chinese are doing with their spare time how miserable can they possibly be?

By the way,  how hysterical is the idea of a Chinese Hick?  Just picture a China man speaking with a southern drawl, I can't get it out of my head.