Officially Washed Up

Sorry about the lame day today, the picture pretty much sums up my state of being today.  Just a washed up bloated whale. One thing is abundantly clear, I just can't hang like I used to.  Once upon a time back in my rookie year my friends and I thought nothing of going to work hungover a minimum of 3x a week.  Mondays were just an excuse to put in some face time at our favorite local pub for Monday Night Football, Wednesday was trivia night, and everyone went out on Thursdays.  

Now? I went out last night and woke up today with a throbbing head, a body that felt like it got hit by a train, throat so hoarse there was no voice to speak of and bleary red eyes that looked like they'd been soaked in chlorine over night.  I used to just laugh it off when people at work took notice of my ragged morning after looks.  I wondered why none of the older workers felt like coming out much for drinks after work.  What a difference a couple of years makes.  Now when people comment on my appearance I can only muster grunts and groans.  I've drank so many poisonous cans of Monster on hungover mornings that I now gag at the smell or sight of a can.  I spend most mornings just squinting at the computer screen hoping it makes me appear busy until noon time or so. 

Time to retire my week night partying, save for only the rarest of occasions. You've won mother nature. I couldn't stay young forever.  I'm no longer a toys R us kid.  Sad, sad day.

Hungover

Don't expect too much today, this may be the only post you get.  I'm exhausted, hungover, curious as to why I thought I'd be able to work today, and a bit pissed off because I shattered my phone to cap off the night.  Shockingly all of these factors seemed to have sucked the wit and charm right out of me (that and I'm literally having a hard time forming sentences).  I'm sure they're still hanging out in my bed getting those extra couple hours of sleep I so desparately need.

If we get lucky and I have a slow day at work, and the midget inside my head stops hammering at my brain, maybe I'll muster the strength to throw up a blog or two but I just wouldn't count on it. Most likely we'll just be having a Thursday Bonanza here at the Tabs, I've got a back load of topics that will take us right through to the weekend.

US Quest for World Domination

US and Australia Strengthen Military Ties - The United States and Australia will step up their military cooperation, with Canberra offering U.S. forces increased access to Australian bases, according to news reports from Australia...Military hardware and supplies will be positioned at Australian bases, "including large amounts of combat equipment for the typical U.S. Marine task force," the Herald reported.

You'd think stepping up military efforts on an Island location, literally in the middle of no where with no real threats of attack wouldn't make any sense right? Well you've obviously never played the game of Risk before (a game of world domination). Because if you had you'd recognize immediately that this is the old "blossoming onion" strategy popularized by Kramer on Seinfeld.

Make no mistake, the US will rule Asia with in one year. First we'll stack all our cannons, horsemen, and infantry in the down under, and then we'll funnel outward one nation at a time, first taking Jakarta, then all the smaller nations in Indonesia, then make our way through South East Asia (that's right N. Korea, your time is coming) setting up for the final show down with China.

That is unless our troops get soft realizing there is nothing else to do in Australia except get drunk off tall boys of Fosters and do Crocodile Dundee impressions to irritate the locals.

Anne Hathaway Knows How To Play The Game

Fox News -In her latest drama “Love & Other Drugs,” Anne Hathaway portrays free-spirited Maggie Murdock, who suddenly finds herself under the “drug” of love when she is charmed by Viagra salesman Jamie Randall, played by Jake Gyllenhaal...“It’s racy – very racy. I keep asking people if it is too sexy for them. However it is just part of the job,” Hathaway told Pop Tarts at the film’s Hollywood premiere last week. “That being said, it is intensely mortifying taking your clothes off in front of other people, but it is also intensely mortifying doing a lot of things in front of people and I’ve learned how to deal with that. Who  knows if I will ever do it again, it depends on the material.”

Anne Hathaway knows how to play the Hollywood game better than most A-listers and this just proves it.  Her movies and roles have bombed since 2005 (Devil Wears Prada) and she had to do something about it.  Girly wedding comedies just weren't bringing home the bacon anymore, and now she's making a veteran move, doing the nude scene.

And if that weren't enough, she's playing the media like a fiddle.  Spreading the word about her nude scene to just about any publication or media outlet that will listen, all the while maintaining her princess bride "good girl" image by playing up being "mortified" about being seen naked on film.  Bravo.  It's a tough line to walk and she's doing it brilliantly.  There will be case studies on how to resurrect your career by showing your cans while maintaining your respectable image done in the future, as a guide for all mediocre actresses who want to break through.

PS: I see she even mentioned to keep the media from mentioning that she's previously done nude scenes in the movie Havoc.  We need to get her PR person working over here at The Alt-Tabs.  This blog would be nationally recognized tomorrow. Just amazing.

Half Day Today

Ahhh, the bittersweet half day.  Such a love/hate relationship.  Ultimately though, love wins out for me.  I hate it for one reason and one reason only, having to wake up and go to work.  And while having to go to work is my greatest complaint in life, it doesn't outweigh the multiple things I love about half days.

You get out of work early.  This one seems pretty obvious.  Yeah you still have to wake up to that outrageously loud alarm clock, guzzle coffee that is way to hot to be consumed but you have to drink it immediately because you can't keep your eyes open, and carry out your normal routine for about 4 hours.  But just knowing that you're only there for 4 hours seems to make it bearable.  Brings me back to feeling like a kid again on half days during the school year, when I knew I'd be dominating a game of kick the can, man hunt, or home run derby as soon as they released us.

It saves time off for later in the year.  If I don't need the vacation days for an actual vacation, then I see no harm in spreading the love and taking multiple half days for every full day that I otherwise would have been doing nothing.  Just simple math, more days partially out of the office is greater than the occasional full day in my mind.  Probably the only reason I've made it for this long at my job.  I need these breaks.

And finally, the biggest reason I love half days, you get to rub it into co-workers (lesson as always, I live for spite).  Sure they're jealous the Friday before you have a week off but that's nothing compared to half day envy.  On a regular day off they don't have to see you, sure they may gripe about you not being there (I gripe with the best of them) but there is nothing to be jealous of.  On a half day they have to see that smirk on your face knowing  you'll be leaving those suckers in a few short hours.  They have to hear the sarcastic "have fun the rest of the day" just to remind them that you'll be out having fun and they'll be living their same unchanging life.  And the kicker...(drum roll)...You get to give them the rest of your work that you didn't finish on your way out the door!  The look on their face is always priceless at this point.  And that's what separates a half day from a regular day.  You actually have to see someone looking forward to their day and having more fun than you could ever have on a full day of work.  Well that's me today. Deal with it. 

(no I won't be blogging from home today, I've got better things to do)

Comment Sections Is Officially Fixed

I swear, this time it works.  I can give no guarantees that the comment section on previous posts will work but I can guarantee it'll work going forward, honest to blog.  Gentleman, Ladies (the few of you I haven't offended away yet), our long national nightmare is over. 

Consider this my gift to all of you for reading and putting up my requests for comments despite the fact that my comment section didn't work all this time.  Who knew the joke was on me.  Here is an edited version of Florida Gators Great Tim Tebow's legendary speech (pictured above):

To the fans and everyone in Alt-Tab Nation (all 60 or so of you), I'm sorry. I'm extremely sorry (I'm not really). I was hoping for a working comment section, that was my goal, something The Alt Tabs has never had.

I promise you one thing, a lot of good will come of this (depends on your definition of a lot, and good). You will never see another blogger blog as hard as I will (for the remainder of the 5 year lease I have on this site).  You will never see another blogger shamelessly beg for guest blogs and comments the way I will beg all of you.

You will never find another blog that will bring your joy the way Alt-Tabs will (just blatantly not true).

God Bless.

Feel free to pop in and drop a comment letting me know how much of an idiot I am (or bash Tim Tebow).

Quick Rant: Are People Really This Clueless?

So I was on a pub crawl this past weekend, and once again (like every pub crawl I've been on or witnessed) there were morons at every other bar who would see the streams of people pouring into bars mid-day, all dressed in similar fashion and have the audacity to ask "whats going on?" or my favorite "am I missing something?". 

Yea you're missing something, common sense.  Yea, me and 700 or so of my closest friends (its a very large and long running pub crawl) all coincidentally wore the same ugly yellow shirt and brought pirate themed accessories out to the bar today.  Oh and that guy over there leading us around looking like Captain Hook? Well he's just a really big fan of his favorite college football team.  Ass bag.  Use your head. If there is one thing I just cannot stand it's peoples blatant displays of ignorance. I just can't fathom why anyone would publicly advertise their general lack of intelligence to a total stranger in such completely obvious situations.

Figures, two white guys on the court and one of them is involved in this disaster. We can't keep blowing chances like this guys.  If you're lucky enough to be offered a chance at an interracial handshake you've got to bring your A-game.  I'm talking full-bodied, minimum of 5 steps, ending with a kiss of your fingers to the sky.  Do you guys want to keep hanging out with just the one or two other white guys on the team, filing tax returns while watching the news in your hotel rooms? Or do you want to be invited to the after game parties, with the Crystal and pimp cups?  Because you just blew that chance for this season.  Probably set race relations back another 10 years in the process.

First Day Back From Vacaction

Yep, that picture pretty much sums up how the first half of my day is about to go.  Monday's after vacation almost make the whole vacation not worth it...Ok that may be a bit of an exaggeration but there is no denying its by far the worst work day you face.  Whether you're fresh off a relaxing long weekend or a fun week off there is no more dreadful feeling than going to bed the night before you're first day back, knowing that on top of the usual annoyances of fluorescent lights, nagging phone calls, and un-ending excel sheets, you'll face two additional perturbances.  1. The full e-mail box, 2. Questions from co-workers you work hard to avoid most weeks asking you what you did.

The Full Email box- Nothing I look forward to more than wasting two hours sorting through emails I'll never need or use.  It's like company spam, except there is no filter for it, and they're not promising me riches from Nigeria or Russian mail order brides.  Just corporate mission statements and questions addressed to everyone at the office because the sender was too stupid and lazy to figure out exactly who they should be emailing.  And what is with people who ignore or don't understand the out of office message?  Without fail I'll receive 5 or 6 client requests while I'm out, with a follow up the next day asking why the task hasn't been completed. WTF? Did you think the out of office response was some sort of elaborate practical joke? Or are you really too dumb to read and comprehend the meaning of the message?

Questions From Co-Workers- Look, there are very few co-workers who I let in and accept as friends, to the rest, I try to be polite and respectful, but ultimately I don't give a shit about your life outside of work as I hope you don't give a shit about mine.  Who has time for all that caring? I have a circle of family and friends that I'm interested in and its at capacity right now.  If someone is cut for one reason or another I'll let every one know and we can have some sort of try out to see who I let in next.  But until then lets just stick to the niceties and leave our non-work lives out of it.  My typical responses to how my weekend was range from "good", "pretty good", or "the usual".  Non-descriptive yet friendly enough that the conversation ends amicably shortly thereafter.  The problem with vacations are everyone wants to pry just a little deeper, but I'm not on board.  So I end up looking like a snob or an asshole because I don't feel like sharing any of the details of my personal life.  The most you're going to get out of me is that I watched football on Sunday. Thats it.  Lets just move on, pretend it was a normal weekend off for me and go about our days.  Leave all the blabbing to girls or guys who like to hear their own voice.