This Weeks Overheard at the Office

Yesterday I over heard a middle aged man in my office discussing these "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" books (apparently its a whole series).  I didn't overreact when I saw girls everywhere (beach, cafeteria, subway, etc...) reading these oddly titled books this summer, or when Amazon.com had these as their top recommendations for like 45 straight days, or when I saw questionable looking guys walking around carrying this book in the North End.   But I'm drawing the line at middle age, 40-something old men in my office reading these books.  And this guy wonders why he's still single with no prospects (I overhear quite a few of his conversations).

He not only proceeded to gush about reading the whole set of books in the span of two weeks, but he decided to snob it up and discuss the Swedish film based on the book, talking up its artsy and emotional feel.  During this douchey lecture on foreign films he lamented that the American version (coming soon I guess?) would probably be too dumbed down to capture the same emotions...

Newsflash jackass, it'll be dumbed down and easier to understand because it will be in English.  You won't have to speak Swedish or read subtitles while you're trying to watch the movie.  And I wouldn't worry about it needing to be dumbed down too much  Any book that caught on and was a pop culture hit with high school-mid 20's aged girls I'll just assume can't too hard to follow.  Certainly no Chicken Soup for the Soul or Traveling Pants anyway (sarcasm).

Guest Blog: The Doctor Is In

Hey All- Today's guest blog is from a self-described television guru.  Feel free to comment if you like the blog as I could make his column a running feature.

I see it everyday. People running into my office yelling, “Dr., I am so bored at night when I get home from work. I just sit there flipping through channels and usually wind up on some movie I’ve seen 20 times or meaningless sports contest with two teams I don’t even root for. What should I do?” I have been helping people out for the nearly 25 years I’ve had my practice and I’ve decided to take my talents to The Alt Tab in order to help a larger audience. Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you looking for quality TV, the doctor is in.

Prescription #1: This Sunday AMC will premiere its new original program “The Walking Dead” at 10pm. The show is about a local sheriff who wakes up in an abandoned hospital and finds the apocalypse has happened. He sets out to search for his family and is forced to battle the growing army of zombies who now walk the earth. The tie ins with it premiering on Halloween are obvious, but I see a lot more long term potential for this show than just a few scares on October 31^st. The pilot was written and directed by Frank Darabont who wrote and directed “The Shawshank Redemption”. This should be exciting news for most people as I have met more people who hate puppies than who hate “Shawshank” (I also prescribe doing this if you have the resources). Now for those who need to convince a girlfriend or Mrs. before you can add this to the DVR, I have you covered. Tell them the plot is basically just a man searching for his missing wife and son, and that man is played by the guy from “Love Actually” who made the posters for Keira Knightley. Trust me; they’ll know what you’re talking about.

Prescription #2: Have you ever heard the Chris Rock bit about how no one’s ever met two American Indians at the same time? Well that’s how I feel about viewers of “The Big Bang Theory”, except I’ve never even met one of those. The real shame is how much better “Bang” does in the ratings than its competitor in the 8pm time slot on NBC, “Community”. This comedy is probably the best show you’re not watching and if you like laughing, references to 80’s action movies and pop culture or the naked Chinese guy from “The Hangover” then it’s time you tuned in. Also, it stars Joel McHale, or as he’s more commonly known, the guy from “The Soup” and Chevy Chase. The show gets some of the better guest stars on TV as Jack Black, Katherine McPhee, John Michael Higgins (the singing sprite from The Breakup) and Betty White have all appeared. My suggestion would be switching over from “Bang” (or stop watching that show completely, you’re better than that) and try “Community” for a couple weeks. At the very least try to find some way to watch the “Modern Warfare” episode of “Community” and call me in the morning if you don’t completely love it, because you might be stupid.

Prescription #3: If you were one of the many who grew tired with “30 Rock” after last year’s uneven season, I’m suggesting you return to Liz Lemon’s world. Besides the live episode, which I felt was more to prove the ability to achieve such a high degree of difficulty rather than making a funny episode, this season is back to where the show used to be. If you develop stomach pain from laughing too hard then I would suggest seeing a real physician. I mean haven’t you noticed I’m only discussing television and have no real medical credentials?

Prescription #4: I think most TV fans have shows they missed from the beginning and got too far behind to catch up on. However, they still would like to see it and are relegated to catching up on DVD. Even I, the TV specialist, can’t watch everything and have “The Shield” and “Breaking Bad” at the top of my list to view on DVD. This week a show I would prescribe to all of you premiered on Direct TV, “Friday Night Lights”. I am not telling anyone to start watching this season, you deserve better and frankly so does the show. Instead, make this the top show on your list to catch up on with the DVDs. Now I know these can be expensive and not everyone makes the salary of a doctor like me, but “FNL” seasons are fairly cheap on Amazon. This show was/is fantastic and I almost wish I could trade places with all of you and watch it all anew from the beginning. But then again, I could never return to being some kind of TV commoner either. What do you people even talk about? “Two and a Half Men”? Ugh, no thanks.

-Dr. Jack Shephard, TV specialist

Thursday Blues

To me, Thursday has to be the worst day of the week. Don't believe me? Lets break it down.

Yes Monday is bad.  You've got a whole week ahead of you, and compared to the weekend that you're just back from going to work blows.  But at least you had those two days of rest to get back to neutral before Monday.  You've got gas in your tank, and you know that you can procrastinate on any annoying work tasks that may come up because you've got all week at this point.  Any good Alt-Tabber can slack their way all the way through their case of the Mondays.

Tuesday- You've still got some of that energy stored up from the weekend, plus you're well into the work week mindset at this point.  You've got four grueling day left ahead of you but you can pace your expectations accordingly.  No one has ever been fooled into thinking its Friday when they wake up on Tuesday. For better or worse you know what is facing you on Tuesday.

Wednesday- Hump Day! This is sneaky my favorite day of the work week.  For me it brings relief, I know by lunch we're half way done the work week, and by the end of the day my mind is already drifting into weekend mode. This euphoria doesn't last though, it just sets me up for a gigantic downfall on...

Thursday-  I wake up after an optimistic Wednesday, fully looking forward to the weekend (I often wake up on Thursday thinking its Friday), only the realization sets in that I have two days left before I  get there.   My tanks is on empty but I don't have the adrenaline boost I get on Fridays knowing the weekend is right around the corner.  It's straight depressing.  Two days of annoying calls, fluorescent lights, chairs that screw with your spine to the point that you feel like the elephant man, countless excell sheets, corporate pep talks, and dreadful co-workers. 

Given all that its no wonder the expression TGIFriday exists.  The day is great by comparison, never mind the fact that it leads you into a two or sometimes three day break.  Fridays have it it made like the youngest child in a family.  After all the stress and work the others put you through (or the parents through), make you cherish that last day (or child if you're still with me in this diluted analogy) no matter what it brings.  

8 more hours to go until Friday.

PS: I don't care if you thought this blog sucked, Thursdays suck so its only fitting that my blogs suffer accordingly.  Lucky for you we'll have a special guest blogger later today, hopefully to lighten the mood.

Belly Button Lint Challenge

Foxnews.com - An Australian man has turned for what most of us is hygiene, into a world record.  Graham Barker holds the Guinness World Record for his‘belly button fluff’ collection after saving 22.1gm of lint every day for 26 years, Metro.co.uk reported.  The 45-year-old 'harvests' the lint as part of his nightly routine, and has now filled more than three jars of the material.  Barker, who told the paper he is "not obsessive," collected his first piece of fluff during a backpacking trip in 1984...The librarian vows to continue amassing the lint until he is no longer capable, and is even considering stuffing a cushion with his collection.

Challenge accepted!  Less than 4 jars in over 26 years of collecting?  Seems a bit on the low side to me, sounds like someones been slacking on their collections because I'm pretty sure I produce at least a jar a year of this stuff.  There's been days I've pulled out nugget sized fluff and just marveled at it, but ultimately threw it out...because that's the sane thing to do.  I didn't realize these somewhat disgusting naval deposits could lead to fame.  This guy thinks he's got it made in the shade, setting a record and getting all the fame and glory that comes with such an accomplishment, all the while concealing the fact that he has no challengers to his throne.  Well not after today, I'm coming for him and I'm coming strong, better step your game up Graham (yes that's his actual blog which I stumbled upon while searching for the above picture of his actual lint.)

And before I forget, stuffing a cushion?  That shit is disgusting.  Show some class, you're a famous world record holder, I'm sure you can afford some decent upholstery on the royalties Guinness is shelling out.  And if you thought women recoiled in horror at the site of your lint in jars, try telling them the couch they're sitting on while you're trying to round second base is stuffed with your man fluff.  That's a surefire way to end up harvesting your belly button crop by yourself for the 27th straight year.

Jersey Shore Rant

From a pop-culture phenomenon stand point its time to collectively agree that Jersey Shore has jumped the shark.  Is it still an interesting and somewhat funny show to watch? Sure.  But enough with everyone quoting and imitating these degenerates in public.

If you're with a group of your friends at home or some other private event, and you can do a good impression, its still  mildly funny.  At a bar/club/party with strangers/public sidewalk between 11pm and 2 am yelling things like "we got a situation", "Teeee Shirt Timmmeee", "Cabs Ah Heah", or "Champagne Yea", you're going to look like an idiot and be treated like the social retard that you are.  It's not that funny.  In fact its not funny at all.  You've decided your actual personality is boring and sucks to the point that you'd be better off quoting one liners from reality tv. Congrats.

And girls, you don't get off rant free either.  If you're short, brunette, and annoying as hell, it doesn't make you Snooki, or Snooki's twin, or Snooki's bastard step-sister. Why would you even welcome this comparison? A midget, pear shaped, no chin, pudgy cheeked girl with horrendous hair.  She hardly looks human.  So please, stop comparing yourself to her on Facebook, stop elevating your poof's to disturbing heights, and stop whining in a high pitched voice in public. Its enough to make someone snap. 

Oh, and good luck to everyone going out for Halloween who agrees with this rant.  Just going to be a bunch of lame fake muscles, knock off Ed Hardy shirts (I never thought there would be anything worse than an Ed Hardy original, I stand corrected), and imitation blow outs.

End rant.

Reader E-mail

From:        Mike  xxxxxxxxxxx
To:        TheAltTab@Gmail.com
Date:        10/25/2010 12:16 PM
Subject:        Blogworthy

---

You need a rant on how when you want to read a news story and it turns out to actually be a video.  I’m sure we each go through this at least 2-3 times per day.
 
I just did with the headline “Gator eats 50 pound dog in backyard”

To be honest, that should have been the first thing you blogged on for the site.  that’s the #1 “non-work related pet peeve that happens every day at work while you’re trying ot distract yourself from doing work”

First off, exciting day, our first reader suggestion (also sort of doubling as our first reader complaint?) as a reminder please send any thoughts, comments, suggestions or hate mail to TheAltTab@Gmail.com. 

I sympathize with you Mike.  Its annoying as shit, and I have no idea how I over looked this office gripe (I'm sure running a pop-culture sensation of a blog in my spare time while holding down a corporate job had nothing to do with it, even if the whole sensation part is just made up).  

You work all day trying to find lengthy or entertaining articles to take your mind off the fact that your job is no where near as full-filling as it should be, and that ultimately you'll be replaced by Indians and a few macros on excel within a few years.  It sucks.  At least have the decency to offer the video or a transcribed version of the events with pictures.  Is it that hard?  Takes me 10 minutes a day to slap up a blog accompanied by a quick google image search, and I have a job that requires my divided attention.  

You'd think these sites (I'm looking right at you CNN, no I don't want to view your frigen I-Report, just tell me what happened) would realize the majority of their views come during work hours and would take into consideration that maybe we don't want our cube neighbors to hear blaring audio of some redneck describing the scene of a 42 car pile up.  Maybe we just want a short description with a couple of awesome jpegs.  It's just common courtesy.  

By the way Mike, did you end up watching the video?  That sounds like something you have to see to fully appreciate.  Maybe drop in later and leave a comment with the link if you still have it. 

Lebron being Lebron

Which is to say bitching like a little girl as usual.  I'll tell you what you should do, shut the fuck up.  This guy and his people honestly have no idea.  Opening night should have been a big enough event, he could have came out, played ball, showed a no-nonsense attitude and commitment to winning and shit would have eventually died down. Let your actions do your talking, and let your gigantic ego rest for a night.  Would have been smart right?  Well maybe Lebron should have went to college for a year or so, or at least whoever handles his PR.  Honestly, no one at Nike batted an eye at the release of an over the top narcissistic montage for an already embattled personality?  They really thought an inside window into Lebron's mind (which apparenlty operates at a 5 year olds intelligence level, egocentric, bitches about perceived slights to any one who will listen, and takes the blame for nothing) is what would win the public back?  Epic fail.  I'll come up with 3 better commercials for "re-introducing Lebron" right now:

1. Release "grainy" home shot footage of Lebron working on his game this summer (which admittedly might be hard to find with all the time he spent partying and patting himself on the back). Have background voices from sports commentators playing in the background discussing his decision, have Lebron say something about motivation or having a lot to prove, and cut to a shot of him swishing a turn around. 

2. Light hearted series of commercials showing Lebron, Wade, and Bosh running half court games with various neighborhood kids, or against a trio of former nba legends. Hijinks and hilarity ensue, makes us realize we'd choose playing pick up with our friends in his situation as well.

3. Standard Nike black and white dramatic commercial, inspirational instrumental music accompanying the background. Video of Lebron as a youth on youth teams celebrating with his friends after victory, footage of lebron on aau teams celebrating victory with his friends, video of lebron on his highschool team celebrating victory with his friends (getting the theme here), and end with a shot of this picture.  

Basically anythign to play up that he chose a team, playing with friends, and winning over showcasing his outsized ego would have won me over.  Get used to those Hate Tweets Lebron, its going to be a long season.  

PS: If Nike steals any of those golden ideas I'm suing.

Double PS: GO CELTS

Tackling the Hand Washing Issue

Cold season is upon us, and the constant advice you will hear from doctors and friends it to keep washing your hands. Everyone claims they do, but do they really? A recent study found that although most people claim to wash their hands after dirty activities, when you observe them in person, the story (especially for men) is a little different.

Look, we all know men wash their hands less than women, its a given.  We're a disgusting group of people, we didn't need a scientific study to realize that.  Just last night I used my t-shirt as a face cloth and my pant legs as napkins, I readily admit that we're slobs.  Yes, those of us who choose not to wash their hands (myself not included in this group) are gross, but I don't take issue with these people.  Would I shake their hands? Hell no.  But at least they're honest about being hygenically-retarded. 

My issue is with the people in the bathroom that run their hands under the water for 1.3 miliseconds just for show so they can claim to be clean.  These guys are the truly scary fucks of society.  What kind of mental state do you have to be in where you go around spreading your filth all the while justifying it in your own mind because you splashed some water on yourself?  Just a sick, sick thought process. 

Someone needs to start a public forum to out these unstable individuals, similar to the sex offender registry, before we're all victimized with piss and poo-particle covered hands.  It's time to take a stand.

Bible.com Owners Ripping Off the Collection Plate

WILMINGTON, Delaware (Reuters) – A shareholder of Bible.com Inc sued the company's board members, accusing the ordained ministers of failing to profit from the "goldmine" potential of the namesake Internet property, according to a lawsuit.  James Solakian filed the lawsuit in Delaware's Chancery Court against the board of Bible.com for breaching their duty by refusing to sell the site or run the company in a profitable way.

The lawsuit cites a valuation done by a potential purchaser that estimated bible.com could be worth more than dictionary.com, which recently sold for more than $100 million...The company's business plan stated "it is the goal of the board of directors of Bible.com to become very, very profitable," according to court documents. The business was also to be governed in accordance with Christian business principles....Bible.com currently features a crowded mix of advertisements as well as a verse of the day -- "Do not follow the crowd in doing wrong" -- and offers links for Biblical answers to questions on voting and masturbation.

Where do I start?  I guess with the fact that Bible.com is being run by people more amateurish than yours truly.  I visited the site for the first time today and I'd say James Solakian has every right to be pissed off, he was swindled.  I don't know who was in debt to him for 400k but I can assure you that the site as it is now isn't worth more than the $60 I paid for this site.  No Alt-Tabs, no angry rants, no life lessons on how to deal with corporate life.  Just a quote of the day and a shit load of advertisements.  Nothing like the pop-up holograms of Jesus and God, or web-cam chats with the Pope that I was expecting.  It's almost like the site took the same vow of poverty that priests and nuns take (well except those rich black pastors, or mega-church quasi ministers)

And who wrote their business plan? "Goal to become very, very profitable" Who in hell (pun intended) approved their loan based on that?  6th grade alter boys could have written a more appropriate business plan. I know you're waiting to see if I follow that up with an alter boy joke.  I'd like to but I'm fearful of lightning strikes.  

Finally, I can't miss the last line offering links for Biblical answers on voting and masturbation.  Simply amazing.  A site that could be visible to billions, an unbelievable source of funding for charities around the world, has instead elected to lecture us on jacking off and election rigging.  Perfect.

I wonder if anyone can get me James Solakian's contact info.  We could use an investor or two, and his lack of business savvy would seem to fit right in over here at Alt-Tabs.