Quite Possibly the Best Used Car Sales Commercial Ever

Cuban Gynecologist, American Auto Salesman, Either Way You're Fucked.

I have a feeling that joke would have gone over a lot better if he was a proctologist, just assuming I'm getting a few angry woman e-mails after that one, oh well.

You know what I like about this guy, he's direct and to the point. He's not bullshitting around talking about comfort zones, cup holders, and auxiliary ports, he's got Car!, Motorbike!, and he used to have a guard dog. It's a pretty simple sales pitch, you need a car or motorbike, he'll sell you one.

Yesterdays Celtics V. Lakers Game: Reliving Game 7 and the Perkins Trade All Over Again

Look, I don't want to have to discuss yesterdays horrible, horrible Celtics loss at length, it'll just get me upset again, but I've got to at least mention it. 

Up six with a minute and a half to go the Celts absolutely collapsed. And I could have accepted it if Kobe pulled out some late game heroics and took over for the last minute, it's a role he's often played in his career and a role he lives for, but that's not what happened here. What happened here was a young, physical beast of a center, absolutely abusing the C's 36 year old, out of position and physically over matched power forward, who at this point in his career should in no way be subjected to guarding one of the leagues only elite offensive centers late in the game.  It was a GIGANTIC mismatch, and the Lakers took advantage of it. 

And I want to move on, I really do, but you can chalk this loss up on the shoulders of the horrendously shortsighted Kendrick Perkins trade. So thanks for that Danny Ainge. Yet another data point in favor of a team holding on to a young, elite defensive center...not like it's a scarce position or anything.  And while I thought the implications of the trade last year were a bit crazy (relying on a soon to be retired, oft injured, Shaq to eat up serious minutes in the post down the stretch run), I think the long term ones you're seeing now are even worse...It's almost as if no thought was put into implications beyond last season...that guys who can handle 7 foot centers, 1 on 1, and provide the defensive toughness the team was known for grow on trees or something. Asinine. 

So again, thanks for that. Reliving the Game 7 loss of a few years ago was pretty high on my list for yesterday, rounded out a nice little Sunday for myself.  God, I really hope this team lures Dwight, somehow, someway.

Coolio Is Stuck in 1995

LAS VEGAS – Rapper Coolio was arrested Friday on a warrant charging him with failure to appear in court on a traffic ticket almost two years ago. Coolio, 48, whose real name is Artis Leon Ivey Jr., was a passenger in a vehicle officers stopped about 2:20 a.m. several blocks east of the Las Vegas Strip, Officer Laura Meltzer said. No one else in the car was arrested. It was not immediately clear if Ivey had a lawyer. His manager Susan Haber said she had not heard about the incident and had no comment. Ivey was sought on a warrant charging him with failure to appear on an illegal stop and driving without a license summons issued in June 2010.

Honest to goodness question, you think Coolio knows he's no longer the best rapper alive? Like, I know Gansta's Paradise stayed atop the Jamn 94.5 morning countdown for what seemed like forever, but the run did eventually end, I just feel like no one ever told Coolio.

Dude, you're almost 50 years old! Time to ditch the Rudy Huxstable pony tails, grow some real hair and start going by you're real name, Artis Leon Ivey Jr. You had as good a run as anyone's ever had, from Fantastic Voyage to Gangta's Paradise, to 1,2,3,4...but it's over.  You've got more in common with your average AARP card holder now than you do with the Hip-Hop stars of today, plus you wouldn't want any part of these clowns anyway. You were hard, you didn't take shit from anyone, trying to keep up with panzies like Drake just aint worth it. It's time to move on, it's time to become Artis. I wanna remember the Coolio from the video below, not the aging, mostly out of touch, former Rapper who's currently engaged in projects like "Ghetto Hoes: Bitchez 'N The Hood 2 (for real).

Facebook Violates Bro-Code, Outs Man's Secret Wife to his Real Wife.

Boston.com - A corrections officer is facing bigamy charges after authorities said a Washington woman using Facebook discovered that she and a potential “friend’’ were married to him at the same time. According to charging documents filed Thursday, Alan L. O’Neill married a woman in 2001, moved out in 2009, changed his name and remarried without divorcing her. The first wife first noticed O’Neill had moved on to another woman when Facebook suggested the friendship connection to wife No. 2 under the “People You May Know’’ feature... Wife No. 1 then called the defendant’s mother. “An hour later the defendant arrived at (Wife No. 1’s) apartment, and she asked him several times if they were divorced,’’ court records show. “The defendant said, `No, we are still married.’’ Neither O’Neill nor his first wife had filed for divorce, according to charging documents. The name change came in December, and later that month he married his second wife. O’Neill allegedly told wife No. 1 not to tell anybody about his dual marriages, that he would fix it, the documents state. But wife No. 1 alerted authorities.

"Who's on first, What's on second," am I right? No, crickets? Ok then.

Jesus that was hard to follow, but the jest of it is,(to quote modern day bro-code philosopher, Ronnie from the Jersey Shore) "Facebook don't got bro-code, dude."

Be cool, Facebook. It's one thing for your name to come up in something crazy like 80% of all divorces, its quite another thing when you start taunting cuckolded women with "people you may know" notifications for your husbands second wife that she knew nothing about. That shit is cold blooded, talk about invasions of privacy. I don't think that's anywhere in the terms of agreement when you sign up for Facebook; 

"you exclusively give us the right to share your content, your privacy is important, and, oh yeah, we've just notified both of your wives to eachothers existance, so good luck with that. Click here if you agree with our terms and conditions."

March Madness and The Modern Office: The Most Useless Week of the Year

It's here folks, March Madness. Time to tell your bosses to screw (well, your female ones anyway, chances are the male bosses are right there with you), clog company bandwith with live streaming of the Thursday/Friday games, and raid the supply closet for black ink for all your brackets, and not to mention the research you'll undoubtedly be going over in the handicap stall all week. 

I previously ranked the first Thursday and Friday of March Madness as the 3rd and 4th ranked most useless days of the business year, but really this week is more than that. It's an entire week of slacking. From Monday when you first roll in discussing the results of the weekends conference championships, discussing various seedings and tough matchups, and fending off the "upset" picks of co-workers who hadn't watched a second of college basketball this year but found time to read 5 minutes worth of an Andy Katz analysis late last night. 

Tuesday after having absord all the information at hand is selection day. You make the easy, surefire picks and further analyze the matchup's you're not too sure about. You start caring about things like "3pt defensive rating" and team rebounding statistics (not that it matters, a girl or similarly unprepared guy will win your pool). 

Wednesday is kind of the calm before the storm. You discuss your final picks with others, secretly rip behind the non-sports fans backs for their embarrassing picks, again, knowing full well that they'll in all likelihood win, no matter, this is your day, you're the sports fan and this is your time to lord it over everyone.

Thursday and Friday - Fughettaboutit. Didn't take the day off from work? No problem. Take an extra long lunch break, visit CBSSports.com for your once yearly visit to a second rate sports website, go find the empty presentation room that has a projector hooked up to cable (Jackpot! And yes, that is the route I personally take). 

So enjoy everyone, this is the one week a year where it's universally accepted that your productivity will be halved. If offices had any wherewithal they'd just close down this week, similar to those smaller offices that close the week of Thanksgiving or the week between Christmas and New Years.  Frankly, this is a more important week, one that heathens, Jews, Christians, and Muslims (I imagine, anyway) alike can celebrate. This is March Madness. 

Tune back tomorrow for my match-up by match-up analysis of the first round and Wednesday afternoon for my final picks. I'd advise heavily that you do not use my picks in any analytical form...better off checking with that guy that straight up doesn't like sports in your office.

ED Note: Yea, I'll just be posting everything on Wednesday, coming up with comments for every match ups two days in a row proved much too difficult for my minimal writing skills.

 

Retweets The New Virtual Autograph? I Hate the Internet

My Fox Boston - Forget standing in line for hours, hoping for a scribbled, barely legible autograph on a wrinkled piece of paper. Or jockeying for spots behind the dugout, on the off chance a signed ball or batting glove gets tossed your way. When it comes to souvenirs from your favorite athlete, the retweet is where it's at these days. "@SHAQ the real superman, can i get a birthday retweet from the most dominant big man of all time?" "It's my birthday and all I want is for @KingJames to tweet me !! "@Donald_Driver80 I love you so much. I have a piece of your jersey, I want more. I want(need) an RT from you. See ya in a lambeau leap!! "@serenawilliams please don't let me go 0-5 for (hash)serenafriday RT from my favorite female tennis player?"

These people are tools. Absolute tools. Every time I see a "can I get a RT from (fill in the blank celebrity), it's my (fill in the special occasion)," I get irrationally angry.  I'd rather the celebrity tweet back, "No, you can't, get some real friends so they can sing you happy birthday, you loser."  That would make me so unbelievably happy. What's the best case scenario here? The minimum wage intern or posse member that handles the celebrities twitter account clicks RT? Big fucking whoop, congrats.

I honestly hate the internet these days, and it's not just Retweet requests, its these awful "meme's," wow, you're so clever, you figured out how to caption a picture! 

It's rage comics that make no fucking sense. Congrats, you have the motor and drawing skills of a 4 year old.

It's these ridiculous six frame "What I do, what people think I do, yada fucking yada, poster things.

And finally, pictures of food on facebook...Yea, I ate dinner tonight too, I'm just not naive enough to think that the meal I ate off my coffee table while watching American Idol was newsworthy.

CUT IT OUT PEOPLE, YOU'RE MAKING ME HATE THE INTERNET.

Woman Who Invented Spanx is a Billionaire.

Fox News - When Sara Blakely was a 27-year-old salesgirl with the bright idea to create shaping, smoothing undergarments, she had no idea that her creation would take her on a journey to become the youngest woman to debut on the Forbes Magazine Billionaires List, which was released Wednesday. According to Forbes, Spanx is valued by several Wall Street Banks at an average $1 billion. That figure squeezes 41-year-old Blakely - who owns 100 percent of the private company -- into an elite circle of super-rich, mostly male, movers and shakers. She ranks 1,153 of 1,226 on the Forbes list.

First off, congrats to Sara Blakely, a billion dollars off selling hosiery is no joke.

But secondly, this story just confirms for me what I've always believed: If you're selling something targeting women and you tell them it'll help them lie about what they really look like, you've got a million dollar product...Or in the case of this spanx lady, a billion dollar product. You've just gotta help them lie.

It really is that simple, tell a group of woman you have something that'll further help them conceal their true looks from the world and you'll have an absolute feeding frenzy. Makeup, push-up bras, breast implants, spanks, hair extensions, fake eye lashes! I mean fake eye lashes, people. As if any guy has ever given a half a shit about what some girls eye lashes look like. If you're a girl and you've found a guy that you can't quite get to take the bait, eye lashes are not going to help, and if they do, well you probably found a guy with a case of the ghey. 

And ladies, this is in no way a plea for you to change, please, please, keep your vanity driven consumeristic habits, at least long enough for me to come up with a product to get rich off of.

Papelbon Says Phillies Fans Are Better than Boston Fans...Seriously, Who GIVES A SHIT?

Boston.Com - Jonathan Papelbon took a break from trying to unlock the potential of cold fusion to conduct a radio interview in Philadelphia.

"The difference, I would say, between Boston and Philadelphia, is that, you know, I think that the Boston fans are a little bit more hysterical when it comes to the game of baseball. I'd say the Philly fans, I think they tend to know the game a little bit better, being in the National League, the way the game is played."

So being a fan of a National League team makes you smarter? It must be all those tricky double switches. And having the pitcher bunt, that's practically advanced trigonometry. It's confusing just to think about.

Do we have to do this, guys? I'm of course talking to the Boston sports media. Do we have to try and tear a guy down just because he left. Can we just skip the next week and a half of being all fired up over a throw away comment he made to appease his new fans and not pretend its something more than it is?

He left for greener pastures, I mean literally greener pastures, he took a boat load of money. I'm sure he looks back fondly on his time here, the World Series, the Shipping up to Boston, the Irish Jig that people still thought was so novel 4 years later. I'm sure he loved every minute of it, but here's the thing, he's not here any more.  He's in Philly.

He can't be down in Philly talking up how great the fans were up here, how we're so much better than the scumbags and thugs in Philly, he just can't.  Let it go. Doesn't make him a bad guy, it makes him smarter than you guys ever gave him credit for. 

New Feature: What Did Randy Jackson Wear Last Night?

Two Words: Game Changer. Randy Jackson's outfits have been absolutely on fire this season. This right here is just a selection of his last three, and he's Killing It, Dawg! Lebron and Dwayne Wade take note, this is how you dress. You gotta own it. And yes, I'm going to be tracking Randy's outfits right here each week from here on out, this kinda fashion mogulery deserves its own feature.

Picture one is probably the best illustration of Randy's theme this season you're gonna see, The Plural Tone. That's right, Plural. Randy is sure as hell not settling for two-tone, but he's not going to be painted into a box as just a quad-tone or just a tri-tone dresser either. 

Picture One - Classic Quad-Tone, in your face, not at all subdued, fire. That's how I'd describe it. Sadly, I'm fairly certain white people such as myself will never pull off  a shirt with that kind of flair. 

Picture Two - The Subtle Tri-Tone.  It's not a great picture, but yes, that is fur on the collar of Randy's jacket. Brown fur. On a black jacket...I know what you're thinking, that shouldn't go at all. And yet, when Randy throws it on, I don't know, he just looks like a dignified version of Shaft, crossed with Colin Powell (though I think that's mostly because of the glasses).

Picture Three - Mista Raja's Neighborhood. Yes, that is a button down sweater vest with cream colored sleaves sewn to it (so I guess it's not technically a vest?). Yes he is pulling it off. Yes, Jennifer Lopez looks absolutely stunning.  Honestly, bad move by Randy here, because that outfit is gold, but he let himself get upstaged here. I mean, I was going to crop J-Lo out, but I just couldn't. 

My question, is Randy concocting these things himself? I can almost picture him sewing on the flair to a normal blue shirt, sewing on that fur patch, and stitching cream colored sleaves onto his sweater vest. Shouldn't this be a behind the scenes look from Idol? Like screw these contestants bland, already been done back stories, lets go behind the scenes on Randy's wardrobe, that's whats hot.