TSA to Fire Bouncers, Purchase Millions on New ID Scanning Tools

Man: Don't you want to see my license? Agent: Nope, just drop trow, I'll figure it out down here.

Fox News - The Transportation Security Administration this week announced that it will be testing another new technology that it says will increase security and improve the airline screening process. Called Credential Authentication Technology - Boarding Pass Scanning Systems, or CAT-BPSS the machines will help agents spot fake documents, at a time where fraudulent ids are becoming increasingly sophisticated. TSA will spend $3.2 million on the new system that will be tested at select airports in 2012--although it hasn't been announced exactly where yet. The Washington Post reports that TSA is planning to buy 30 CAT-BPSS scanners from three different vendors, and will eliminate an agent's bouncer- like identification check, where a special light is used on the security features of a person's license or passport. 

Wait, what? 3.2 million on some fancy new ID scanning tools? How is it possible a federally funded security agency can't figure out how to scan a license for less than $1 million dollars when every local Joe Tough Guy police officer can scan the bar code on my license in a matter of seconds? 

What is costing 3.2 million dollars? I've been in liquor stores where they've been able to read the bar code on my ID, what hell are  you guys doing down there at the TSA? It's almost as if you have no law enforcement or security training at all, I just don't get it sometimes.  

Plus, this is something that should have been addressed about years ago, you know, instead of that entry level worker, probably making barely above minimum wage, looking at my ID and eyeballing my face to make sure I am who I say I am, I'm sure he's a trained expert.  No one thought of ID reading tools before? Really?

The TSA: We'll make you take your belt and shoes off, but we still can't figure out how to properly identify people.

The Toppsfield Fair: More Than Just Lucky Rabbits Feet?

Went to the Toppsfield Fair this weekend, expecting all the amusement of an afternoon spent pumpkin picking, and was pleasantly shocked. I went in basing my expectations from memories as a child (the last time I went was probably the 3rd or 4th grade) when we took educational trips to the fair as kids, or as I like to think of them, days when teachers were too lazy to prepare lesson plans so we all got on a bus and went somewhere under the guise of education. 

This means I was expecting Elephant rides, goats, guinea pigs and rabbits as far as the eyes can see, a few prize winning hogs, honey sticks and gigantic horse dongs to amuse my childish friends and I...Don't get me wrong, all that was still there, and I still cracked a couple gigantic horse dick jokes, but there was so much more there that I have no memory of, it makes me feel like my school was concealing all the fun we could have been having, like I was robbed of a part of my childhood in a way.

There were unsafe rides for people to throw up on, cheesy haunted houses where not one person popped out to scare you (legit, we walked through the entire thing, no one popped out once), swindling carnies and their fixed games (which I still think I can beat despite ample knowledge that I can't), hilarious people watching as far as the eyes can see, and a Mike Posner concert that brought out teenage hoochies to this patch of farmland from miles away. Never before would I have imagined I'd see so many underrage girls in bedazzled shirts, skirts way to short, and to top off the fashion statement, a nice pair of uggs. Ladies, you're at a farm that smells like Cow shit, there are horses taking pisses 20 feet behind the stands for the concert, maybe tone it down a bit?

All in all though, it was fun, despite the fact that I didn't remember to buy another lucky rabbits foot.

Note to All Offense Oriented Football Teams: To be a Superbowl Champion, Defense is Necessary

While increasingly undervalued in today's NFL, defense is an essential component of any  Superbowl Winner

            During one of my many browsing sessions through the endless realms of sports related internet content when I stumbled upon this quote from Greg EasterBrook:

The New England coach is nothing if not analytical, and realized -- especially with the past decade of rule changes intended to favor offense -- that defense-oriented teams sometimes win but high-scoring teams almost always win. There are coaches who strategize to come out ahead in a low-scoring defensive struggle. For the past five years, Belichick has been strategizing to spin the scoreboard. The Patriots under Belichick are now 62-3 when scoring at least 30 points. A high-scoring team almost always wins, so Belichick has undergone a religious conversion, from defense to offense

From a purely observational standpoint, I say this is complete and utter bullshit.  Not the bit about Belichick being analytical and adjusting as the situation warrants.  But I do have massive problems with the statement that “Offense always wins.”  That statement should be re-defined to “Offense almost always wins during the regular season, but relying on it entirely will not work in the postseason.” My beloved Patriots, who have enjoyed immense success for the past decade, recently have delved into the realm of post season futility, losing their last three “second season” games.  Underlying theme of those games?  Patriots offensive prowess was limited to 14 points, 14 points, and 21 points in those matchups.  You know why?  Despite the shift towards making sure the offense is a well oiled machine, a good defense, especially when points are so crucial in the playoffs, is absolutely necessary is you want to bring home the Lombardi.  Instead of relying on my potentially biased New England homer opinions, it’s time to bring some validation to my assertions in the form of “Statistics”

Here are the offensive/defensive stats per game during the regular season of the last 10 Super Bowl Winners just to ensure we cover the gamut of this alleged “Offense Wins” era football.

2010 Green Bay Packers

Offense: 9^th overall, 24.2 pts/gm, 358 yds/gm, 3^rd down % -.42, T/O diff. +10

Defense: 5^th overall, 15.0 pts/gm, 309.1 yds/gm, 3^rd down %, 36, Int/Fum rec=24/8, Sacks= 47

2009 New Orleans Saints

Offense: 1^st overall, 31.9 pts/gm, 403.8 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .45, T/O Diff. +11

Defense:25^th overall, 21.3 pts/gm/ 357 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .38, Int/Fum rec. 26/13, Sacks= 35

2008 Pittsburgh Steelers

Offense:  22nd overall, 21.7 pts/gm, 311.9 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .41, T/O Diff. +4

Defense: 1^st overall, 13.9 pts/gm, 237.2 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .31, Int/Fum Rec. 20/9, Sacks=51

2007 New York Giants (Fuck, that is still painful to write)

Offense:  16^th overall, 23.3 pts/gm, 331.4 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .42, T/O Diff. -9

Defense: 7^h overall, 21.9 pts/gm, 305 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .35, Int/Fum Rec. 15/10, Sacks=53

2006 Indianapolis Colts (One of the rare instances a shitty defensive team actually wins it all)

Offense:  3^rd overall, 26.7 pts/gm, 379.4 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .56, T/O Diff. +7

Defense: 21^st overall, 22.5 pts/gm, 332.2 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .47,Int/Fum Rec. 15/11,Sacks=25

2005 Pittsburgh Steelers

Offense:  15^th overall, 24.3 pts/gm, 321.8 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .35, T/O Diff. +7

Defense: 4^th overall, 16.1 pts/gm, 284 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .40, Int/Fum Rec. 15/11, Sacks=47

2004 New England Patriots

Offense:  7^th overall, 27.3 pts/gm, 357.6 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .45, T/O Diff. +9

Defense: 9^th overall, 16.2 pts/gm, 310.8 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .39, Int/Fum Rec. 20/16, Sacks=45

2003 New England Patriots

Offense:  17^th overall, 21.8 pts/gm, 314.9 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .37, T/O Diff. +17

Defense:7^th overall,14.9 pts/gm, 291.6 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .34, Int/Fum Rec. 29/12, Sacks=41

2002 Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Offense: 24^th overall, 21.6 pts/gm, 312.6 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .36, T/O Diff. +17

Defense: 1^st overall, 12.2 pts/gm, 258.2 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .34, Int/Fum Rec. 31/7, Sacks=43

2001 New England Patriots

Offense:  19^th overall, 23.2 pts/gm, 305.1 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .41, T/O Diff. +7

Defense: 24^th overall, 17 pts/gm, 334.5 yds/gm, 3^rd down %= .37, Int/Fum Rec. 22/13, Sacks=41

The trends I noticed? Despite the fact Superbowl winning teams have very good to superior offenses, it was essential to have a defense that EXCELLED in a particular aspect. Those teams that had the entire package (’05 Packers, ’02 Bucs) offset their limited offenses with absolutely insane defensive metrics by forcing a ridiculous number of turnovers and generating consistent pressure on the quarterback with each having 43+ sacks.  With the exception of the 2006 Colts, every single Superbowl Winning team in the “Era of Offense” NFL, has had one or two dimensions to their defense that excelled at what they did.  Maybe they gave up a lot of yards, or weren’t able to get off the field on third down, but the 2007 Giants had a DOMINANT pass rush and the 2009 New Orleans Saints had a very opportunistic, turnover generating defense that gave their dominant offense additional opportunities on the field.

            By no means am I saying having a great offense is something to be ignored or discounted.  What I am saying as that the overemphasis on that side of the ball often leads to massive deficiencies on defense, an ESSENTIAL component if you want your hometeam to bring home the hardware in February.  It may serve a number of teams (This years Patriots, Bills, and Raiders) to note that a reduced focus on your offense in order to shore up your defense, while perhaps forgoing present success, would ultimately serve your franchise well when it comes time to perform in the playoffs. 

Further Evidence of America's Declining Intelligence: Real Steel Tops the Box Office This Weekend

(NewsCore) - "Real Steel" topped the US weekend box office, according to early estimates from Hollywood.com. Touchstone Pictures' sci-fi action film about robot boxers, which stars Hugh Jackman, earned $27.3 million in its opening weekend. "The Ides of March" (Columbia Pictures), a political thriller directed by and starring George Clooney, trailed with $10.4 million.

I honestly don't have much to add to this, I've just been sitting here staring at that paragraph for about 10 minutes in utter shock.

Real Steel? The Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots ripoff, a cross between Iron Man and The Fighter, won the box office this past weekend. I think it's time we officially just stopped making movies as a country. Just shut down the movie studios for a few years, deport Michael Bay, and let some decent scripts pile up and start from scratch. How can an American ever expect to win an argument on IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes ever again? Every message board argument will end the same way, "pfft, what do you know, you're from a country where Real Steel led the box office for a weekend." There's no defense to that.

And it's not even like you can point to some under appreciated movie just opening small. I mean, The Ides of March starring George Clooney? George, I would've seen this if you didn't keep making the same damn movie over and over again. We get it, you're into intelligent, sophisticated politically active movies now, for the love of god, please play a different character next time.  

What's next, A Dolphin Tale? The story of how a once proud Morgan Freeman is apparently so desperate for money that he'll take any Disney like movie about loveable aquatic animals and sell himself out for it? 

This is brutal. You're killing me Hollywood, killing me.

What Do Jesus, Amateur Fireworks, and a Liberal Use of the N-Word Have In Common?

This awesomely hilarious video.

I know it's just a sneak peak trailer but the new Friday After Next looks awesome. Deebo's gonna be pissed when he see's his shrub burnt to the ground.

When this brother sees the burning bush and starts yelling GET THA WATA N*GGA!, I lose it every single time...might be the most rewatchable internet clip I've seen this month. I'd like to live just one day in the 'hood. Not during drive by season, but during one of these block parties where everyone grills up some ribs, tips a 40, and then sets off homemade, bootleg fireworks in the middle of the street with dozens of on-lookers standing a mere feet away. It looks awesome.

PS: Maybe Moses and the burning bush aren't so far fetched? I mean this guy basically summoned Jesus from the dead, it's not so shocking that bush started burning, is it? 

People You Meet at the Gym...But Wish You Hadn't

Kind of self explanatory

As a college aged male, I find that an effective method of procrastination with regards to my academic pursuits while also fulfilling a gender norm is going to exercise at the on campus gym.  You know the drill; lift some weights, do a little cardio, shower off and pat yourself on the back for getting yourself into shape despite living in a country where rampant cellulite and 50 plus inch waist lines are becoming the status quo.  As satisfying as it is to pump some iron and feel like a boss in the process, there are types of people who frequent this establishment that make the experience border on intolerable at times.  I call out these assholes below:

Meathead Brodaddy

King of All Meathead Brodaddy's

This species of gym dwelling asshole will typically be accompanied by a chubby friend to ensure without a doubt he looks better by comparison when lifting (Say that part in a Steve Irwin voice, it's alot of fun. RIP Croc Hunter.)  Further indicating marks of this former jock desperate to maintain his ego are barbed wire bicep tattoos, shin high lacrosse socks, and a varsity sport shirt turned into a cutoff shirt from at least 5 years ago.  They seem to think everyone in the general vicinity finds them supportive when they bellow, “ONE MO’ SET BRO, YOU FUCKIN’ GOT THIS, LETS GO!!! YEAHHH!!!!”  Earth to dumbfuck:  Everyone else is simply trying to exercise in peace, not humor you by reliving your “glory” days.  Oh, and don’t think I didn’t notice you brought along the Pillsbury Doughboy for a spotter.  I bet your oversized Hummer is sitting in the parking lot as further evidence of your need to overcompensate your steroidically shrunken balls.

Earthquake Weight Drop Douche

I hope it lands on your toes

This is a sub-group of the Meathead Brodaddy since they share many of the same motivations, yet they seem to be utterly harmless since they aren’t nearly as distinctly loud/fucking obnoxious.  They are almost as bad as their counterpart, however, since they find more subtle, passive aggressive ways to try to demonstrate their physical superiority to everyone around.  Typically this is accomplished by loading up a barbell with absurd amounts of weight, getting halfway through one set with a look of intense pain on their face, then letting it SLAM into the floor, causing a fucking tremor to shake the foundation of the gym and distracting everyone else.  We get it, asshole.  You can lift heavy things up, but unlike thefunny Eastern European Guy on the Planet Fitness Ads, you lack the common courtesy/cognitive ability to put them down without putting holes in the floor.

Mobile Sweat Puddles

Towel's aren't just for decoration: USE ONE, DICK

Remember Pig Pen from Charlie Brown who was the lovable little guy with the eternal dust cloud swarming around him?  This person is exactly the same, except that he’s a complete pain in the ass and instead of a cartoon cloud of dirt circulating around his person, there is instead a DELUGE of sweat soaking his skin and clothes.  You could literally be on the other side of the gym and detect this foul creatures sour stench because its just that potent.  Oh, and don’t even dream of using a machine after he does.  Not only will he slather his disgusting form all over every surface inch, his complete obliviousness his disgusting state prevents his radar from alerting him to the fact he should WIPE DOWN after finishing.  Whatever unfortunate device ran into his warpath might as well have a haz-mat team come in and quarantine the poor exercise equipment, since it is essentially dead to everyone who wanted to use it.

Condescending Form Coaches

Maybe I am, but you are an asshole.  I believe I win.

There are many times in life when we need to be corrected because we fucked up at something:  the girlfriend pointing out you left the seat up again, a police officer explaining to a drunken undergrad why it is unacceptable to instruct a member of law enforcement to, “Fuck off” (that example wasn’t from personal experience…totally hypothetical…yeah…)  But when at the gym, many of us use it as a type of sanctuary, a peaceful temporary respite. Whatever our motivations or goals for being at the gym, when we are there, we go because it is separate from our other realms of life where we have many demands and responsibilities.  This is the very last place where I want a stranger to walk up to me and say, “Hey man, you totally weren’t doing those squats right. See, what you wanna do is keep your backside completely underneath you (insert further condescending bullshit instructions here.)  Listen, fuckwad.  If I had wanted instruction on how to do an exercise, I would have asked one of the professionals who work here how to do it, not some random dipshit who felt the need to be superior for no reason.  Now what YOU “wanna do” is get out of my face before I use my “improper” fighting form to break your nose.

Primal Roar Lifters

When you are the King of Spartans, yelling is allowed.  When lifting weights? Shut the fuck up

Listen, when you are on that last rep of an exercise and you are running on fumes, I understand how badly that burn can feel and a gasp/slight grunt is a useful mechanism for fighting the pain you just endured.  But for the love of everything that’s holy, you do not need to roar like Mel Gibsonin Braveheart charging into theBattle of Stirling (the clip is way too long since my previous point is made in the first 30-45 seconds, but Braveheart is fucking awesome, so more of it can’t hurt) every FUCKING time you complete a rep.  You knew what you were getting into when you purposely chose weights to lift that were way out of your league.  Stop being an attention seeking bitch and work out in a less vocal, aggravating way like the rest of us, or I will institute that whatever weight you were lifting when disturbing everyone’s peace has to be shoved straight up your ass. 

Occupy Boston Protesters Thinking of Quitting for the Winter...Dedication.

Protesters continue campout at Rose Kennedy Greenway: MyFoxBOSTON.com

(FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Protesters with Occupy Boston are back at it, rallying against what they say is out-of-control corporate greed. They've been camping out on the Rose Kennedy Greenway for days. The city however, is not requiring the group to get any permits, even though that's what's supposed to happen for mass protests in the city...The group is protesting a number of causes, but mostly banks and large corporations and their practices. An organizer said there is talk of not staying through the winter, and in fact leaving and breaking until the spring.

Well hopefully you'll all be able to settle on a central message before you all go hibernate for the winter. Or at least something more than this guy gave on video..."uhh, an open discussion about anything" "Uhh anyone can come talk about anything they want." So you just want someone to talk to? You've camped out for a week for that?

What the hell kind of movement is that? You just pack up and go home when it gets cold? Start anew in the Spring. That'll teach those evil banks and their executives laughing at you from their heated offices. "You guys can only keep up your evil profit making ways during the cold months, once the weather turns nice again we want you to stop." 

Of course if this was an organized movement you wouldn't have to stop, you get a board or a leadership committee in charge of organizing members and the message, rent out a hall or abandoned office somewhere and set that up as headquarters. From there you schedule and organize events, publish fliers, and NOT BE A COMPLETE DRAIN ON PUBLIC RESOURCES. 

Come on guys, you're now killing tax payers with all the OT for police officers, free electricity, and extra runs for the garbage men.  I understand wanting to make a change, but can you do it in a way that you're not wasting the cities precious resources, especially after the city and state have basically gone out of their way to let you do your thing? 

You guys are not winning the PR battle right now, I'm your target audience, I want nothing to do with the movement as presently organized (or disorganized). Fix that. Maybe get someone who's comfortable giving an interview. VB, who's not exactly a hard hitting reporter, tore this guy up. Couldn't even answer what you want? 

Man Arrested for Beating Wife After She Didn't "Like" His Facebook Status

Fox News - A Facebook update resulted in the arrest of a Texas man who allegedly beat up his wife for not "liking" his status. According to the criminal complaint, Benito Apolinar posted a comment on his Facebook page about the anniversary of his mother's death, but Dolores Apolinar didn't click the "like" status button. The complaint says Benito Apolinar told his wife that he was unhappy that she didn't respond as others did. Police say that's when a fight began.

Look man, I get it, you just wanted some social network love, we've all been there before, but there is still no excuse for domestic abuse here. You think I don't want to track and beat people who don't "Like" my posts, click the follow me on twitter button, or at the very least throw up an interesting or funny reaction below the post? I do. But it's just not socially acceptable.  I have less than 60 followers, my Klout scores a joke, and 32 people like our Facebook page. Mean while I'm somehow generating like 1,000 page views a day, where are all these people? I'm fucking furiously typing away at the ass-crack of dawn every morning, for basically nothing. Sometimes I'm not even sure people know what those buttons to the right do, despite it being painfully obvious.   But I'm still not slapping a bitch over it, and neither should you have.

And that's without touching on the fact that you wanted someone to "Like" a status on your mother dying...that's just strange. I know there's not a button for all emotions, Facebook hasn't added the "My condolences" option yet, but I don't think "Liking" it is the solution either. How hard is it for someone to type out, "sorry for your loss," In the comment section? Really, you're that lazy? You click the Like button after your friend poured his heart out about mother dying and just go about your day? Some friends.

PS: As a reminder, follow us on facebook and twitter ... or at the very least leave a reaction once in a while.

CNN Asks: Now That Palin Is Out, How Much Would Her Endorsement Matter?

Washington (CNN) -- With Sarah Palin taking a pass on the 2012 presidential race, the focus has shifted to which Republican candidate will land the former Alaska governor's endorsement. But there's no guarantee she will endorse anyone. Palin has already lobbed pointed criticisms at the three Republican candidates leading the national polls: former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney, pizza baron Herman Cain and Texas Gov. Rick Perry. "I do not think it's a foregone conclusion that she will endorse any candidate, Bannon told CNN that Palin will think carefully before making an endorsement "If it does happen, it would be strategic, not something that would just be thrown out there," he said.

Who would it benefit? It would benefit the people running against who ever she endorses, at least I’d hope that would be the reaction. God, I really hope no one actually takes this woman’s political thoughts seriously at this point.

I mean who could she legitimately sway? Her reality tv show was cancelled right? She couldn’t have had that many fans…And what was with the media hooplah over the fact that she announced she wasn’t running the other day? Was this really a consideration? In other news did JWoww announce she won’t be running in 2012? 

Seriously people, can we talk about maybe having a month of Sarah Palin-free news? She’s not good at politics, she’s not good at entertainment, and she generally seems like she’s not that smart. Her 15 minutes rightfully should have been over years ago now, and would have been if the head of Fox didn’t have a hard on for her. 

It’s 2011 people, her bid for VP ended long ago and she quit her job as governor to star in a reality show that lasted all of about 4 episodes (I’m guessing by I’m going to say that has a +- range of 1 episode). It’s time to move on.