How Depressing Would A Cruise to Detroit Be?

Take your family on a cruise to the Ghost communities around Detroit!

Detroit - The 100 tourists who will visit Detroit on Monday will be different from the city's usual visitors. They'll arrive not by car or bus or train or plane, but by cruise ship. On Monday, the Grande Mariner will become the first cruise ship to dock at the new Detroit/Wayne County Port Authority terminal on the riverfront near Hart Plaza. By coincidence, the port authority will hold a ribbon-cutting ceremony for the new $22-million facility Monday, featuring Mayor Dave Bing and Wayne County Executive Robert Ficano, among others.  The passengers arriving aboard the Grande Mariner already have their sightseeing mapped out, Jamian said. "Believe it or not, they're very excited to see General Motors' world headquarters" in the Renaissance Center, he said. "That's a big draw. Greenfield Village is the second big draw. Detroit is getting a lot of action these days."

I mean maybe this exciting if you're from like Flint? I don't know, I just can't imagine the walk of life you have to be from to think a cruise to Detroit is going to be a good time. Maybe Detroit is tropical to Canadians?  If my Dad ever came home and was  like "pack your bags kids we're going on a cruise to Detroit!", I'm pretty sure I'd just have rolled my eyes and assumed it was his idea of a joke.

And with cruise industries basically giving away cruises to get people on board you have to wonder what kind of promotions are going to go along with a cruise to Detroit.  Maybe a 5 day trip and a years worth of food stamps? A 7 Day Journey and an abandoned warehouse down town?  Families of 5 or more get a 3 month time share as owners of the Detroit Lioins?

The Worlds First Cannonball Dookie

Gross, absolutely, no argument here, just adding this to the list of reasons I don't swim in lakes (we're up to leeches, duck itch, and human shit, if you're following at home).

But you have to respect the coordination and timing involved here.  I mean sprinting with bowls full of shit is awkward enough, but running, jumping, and tucking your knees to your chest before pushing? That takes some serious coordination, like double jointed shit or something.

And that's without even mentioning the timing. 1 second early and he just shit all over the dock, 1 second later and he's splashing down in his own fecal filth.  But our man here just pulled off sheer perfection, and on the first take no less (which is good because I imagine there's a lot of down time between takes, no chance you can plop out logs like that more than once a day, right?)

Bus Driver and Baby Stroller Show Down Snarls Traffic for Hours

A traffic jam of baby strollers, single mothers, young children and an angry driver on the Number 52 bus caused an-hour-long traffic jam on Joseph Howe Drive Tuesday afternoon. Mandy Fitzgerald, 24, was one of six single mothers who paid her bus fare and pushed her stroller onto the bus around 12:10 Tuesday afternoon with her three- and four-year-old children in tow. Each of the women was pushing a regular-sized baby stroller and had just come from a parenting class. Another woman also had her two small children with her. Fitzgerald says the group folded up some seats designed to make room for wheelchairs in order make space for the strollers, prompting an angry reproach from the driver. "As soon as we got on the bus, the bus driver said 'Don't put up the seats,' but we did anyway because there was no room," Fitzgerald told News 95.7. "We put up the seats and he freaked out and called security." The women were told to get off the bus, but refused and subsequently the driver refused to operate the bus.  A Metro Transit supervisor was called and then police. Several police cars and Metro Transit vehicles surrounded the bus, with the women inside, but no police action was taken. "They called them to try to get us off the bus, but they couldn't get us off the bus," said the mother of four. "One cop actually said 'I'm not going to be the one to kick all these single mothers off the bus with all their kids."

So torn here. On the one hand I see the bus driver as somewhat of a hero, enough is enough with open strollers on buses and subways, fold that shit up and hold your kid for a few minutes, it aint gonna kill ya.  

On the other hand it's not like he was sticking up for everyone, in fact he wasn't really sticking up for anyone, just some hypothetical handicap passengers, none of whom happened to be on or waiting for the bus at the time.  Like hey jerkoff, I'm not handicapped, but I don't like having this double wide stroller knocking into my knee every time you hit a pothole either, how about standing up for the little guy too.

My biggest problem with this story? The cops. Hey guys you're paid to get in there and make the peace, not waffle like a bunch of indecisive broads, playing  with children's toys instead of making tough decisions. Either side with the women or the bus driver, but pick something and move the fuck on.  I'd be furious if I was sitting behind this thing and found out it was a simple argument over strollers, you'd think there was a hostage situation if this thing was lasting over an hour.  It's one of two decisions guys, you tell the bus driver to shut up and do his job or you tell the mom's to fold up the carriages and quit their bitching. Jesus, does CW have to do everything around here?

Officials Finally Decide to Drain Fall River Pool, Like 3 Weeks After Body Found in Murky Waters

FALL RIVER (AP) - A swimming pool where a woman's body lay unnoticed in murky water for days is being drained as part of the investigation into her drowning death. Authorities working on the investigation in Fall River, about 50 miles south of Boston, expected to need most of the weekend to pump nearly a quarter-million gallons of water from the pool into nearby sewers. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Pool at Lafayette Park was closed after 36-year-old Marie Joseph's body surfaced June 28, perhaps two days after she drowned. Authorities have said the cloudy water hid her body in the pool's murky deep end. The death of the Newport, R.I., hotel housekeeper from Haiti has been ruled an accident.

So draining the pool isn't standard procedure after finding a floater? I mean how many more mistakes can this pool make. What did they do the day they found the body floating in murky water? Skim it out and add some chlorine and shock and check the pH balance? The fuck is going on down in Fall River these days? Can we just get them some general pool maintenance lessons and try to move on past this? I mean every day a new headline embarrasses the city more and more.  Guys the pool should have been drained like 3 weeks ago. There was a dead body in it for days...use some common sense, we're not trying to start a new bubonic plague here.

Boston Ascends to its Rightful Position: Named Meanest City in America.

DEAR BOSTON: Your personality test has been completed, and the results aren’t pretty. Actually, they are downright embarrassing. Two psychologists conducted a national survey, asking Americans questions designed to measure 24 “character strengths.’’ They grouped some of these strengths, like gratitude and valuing emotional connections, as “strengths of the heart’’ - a fancy way of saying kindness. And then, for each of the nation’s 50 largest cities, they calculated an average score. The conclusion: Boston came in at number 50. As in, dead last. As in, none of the country’s other major cities - not New York, not Los Angeles, not even Washington, D.C. - can match us for sheer smallness of spirit. We are officially the capital of mean...Now it would be easy, in typical Boston fashion, to get defensive at this point. Who do these people think they are - these outsiders, no less - taking potshots at our fair city? But there is a vital message here, one that we all need to hear. And I can assure you that these particular outsiders, the University of Michigan’s Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson, don’t have anything against us.

 Well thank goodness for that, I'd hate to think that we were becoming some ninny politically correct city like DC or the land of peace loving hippies, hipsters, and phonies like LA.  

And leave it to a bunch of outsiders complaining about us being "too mean" good lord people, pre-school was like 20+ years ago, newsflash you can't make it through life going around hugging and loving everyone you see while singing and dancing with an ambiguously gay purple dinosaur. Shit just isn't real life.

You're god damn right we're mean and guarded, it's the only way to keep everyone out of our business. Just let us be. We'll keep telling everyone how we're one of America's great cities and bragging about sports and the Greenway and shit, and making fun of people from other cities all we want.  Plus if you like everyone and every thing how do I know if you're being phony or not? Listen, no one is that happy-go lucky, we're just not full of shit like the rest of the country. We respect honesty, a solid 70% of the time people are miserable, worrying about bills, worrying about schedules and appointments, failing tests, projects at work, its all stressful, you've got to release it somewhere.

Plus, there's an us against them mentality here and its kinda served us well, if you believe you're the best and believe everyone else is inferior (even NY, though deep down what makes us so angry is that we know its not true), you'll be the best, so with all do respect, how about you shut the hell up and go bother some other city that maybe gives a care about what some dorky report out of Michigan says, because for the most part we're happy with they way things are...except for the goddamn winters, I hate the winters.

Vancouver Cash Cab Kills A Pedestrian

VANCOUVER -- A man was struck and killed Saturday in Vancouver by a replica taxi used in the Canadian version of the game show "Cash Cab," TMZ reported...."Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim and his friends and his family," said Andrew Burnstein, president of "Cash Cab" producers Castlewood Productions. "My heart also goes out to the driver of the vehicle, a member of our technical staff, who is shaken and devastated by this tragic accident, as is our entire team." No charges have been filed yet in the incident. Burnstein said the producer who was driving the vehicle and the rest of the "Cash Cab" production team are cooperating with Vancouver police.

I'm sure the families settlement with Cash Cab will be paid after answering 10 or so fairly simple trivia questions.

Boy, who could have ever seen this one coming? A cab with a flashing disco floor as its ceiling and a driver who's job it is to read questions to his passengers off an in-dash television? Perfectly safe.

Though it is worth pointing out that the American version of Cash Cab has operated in the overly populated streets of Manhattan for a few years without killing anyone, so maybe the cab itself isn't that dangerous, maybe the real problem was putting a Canadian behind the wheel.  

PS: I'd kill to know what kind of "trivia" questions they ask on Canadian game shows, I imagine it's along the lines of: "What is the average syrup yield from a mature Canadian Maple tree?" or "How many sheeps does one have to sheer in order to make an adult large flannel lumberjack shirt?"

Man With F*ck You Attempts Check Fraud...Obviously Arrested for Looking Suspicious

REDDING,Calif. -- A Shasta County inmate's picture has gone viral, not because of the crime he's accused of, but because of the tattoo across his forehead. Investigators say 21 year old Patrick Brooks tried cashing a check from Cottonwood Bible Baptist Church at a check- cashing store on Bechelli Lane Monday. His mugshot shows the prominent tattoo, which features a four-letter word starting with the letter "f."But store manager, Glenn Bassett got suspicious when he saw Brooks’ forehead which had an obscenity tattooed on it.

There’s certain things you just have to give up when you tattoo FUCK YOU on you forehead, and felony bank fraud is one of them.  You could have walked in there with your sweet old grandma and her purse of change looking to open yourself a new college fund and these people would have assumed you were up to no good.  Fact is you’ve left very few things for yourself to do. Hoodlum, hoodrat, maybe pimp, that’s really about it…you can’t even be a drug mule, because really, is anyone going to trust the guy with obscenities plastered on his face to make it through airport security with a balloon of coke up their ass? For sure not my friend, for sure not.

Employee Quits Taco Bell Via Neon Sign

DEPEW, N.Y. (WIVB) - A former employee at the Taco Bell/KFC at Transit and Losson in Depew chose to make a bold statement when they decided to leave their position.
The employee left a message on the fast food restaurant's exterior sign Thursday night announcing they quit. The sign reads, "I quit - Adam / **** you :)"

Great until you realize the guy worked at a place where it was possible to quit via road side sign…like I’m 100% assured that I’m not going to roll up to my corporate work place today and see a 30 foot tall neon sign announcing today’s specials or kiddie toy of the week.  This story is just a solid reminder that no matter how much I gripe about my work, at least it’s a decent, respectable adult job. ..because you’re goddamn right if my work had a neon sign like this I’d be quitting via message board…I’d even keep it under 140 characters so it would be Retweeted.

Good News: That Crazy Lizzie Borden/Casey Anthony E-Mailer is Back!

Check out the comment section of this blog for Wicked's, our resident psychotic empath (so you know this is going to be good) most recent ramblings...here are a few snippets.

-sorry for laughing at your skeptical and negative response and to be honest its fairly typical of a unenlightened person. - It's true...I'm fairly unenlightented...I've never seen the Virgin Mary in my French Toast or heard voices in my head. When you're right, you're right.

- I am a Empath .. you my dear can google that . It is a highly sensitive person who has the ability to scan not all but most energies and pick up on different things. - You actually did teach me something...I always thought the phrase was endpath, you learn something new everyday. Though learning the proper spelling isn't the same as buying into a crock of shit.  Fairly certain the guy claiming the rapture was an empath, most leaders of cults too...actually the drunk homeless guy I chatted with outside the bar last weekend told me my aura was purple, he must have the gift as well.  You're in good company. Also, sometimes I have premonitions about what re-run episode of my favorite sitcoms will be on later that night, is that a gift as well?

- Yes, I know reincarnation is real ... I have had the opportunity to see things and have memories that not all have been privey too . No darling... we don't digress and become beatles or flys lmao at least not in my belief system !!! looool ty for the giggles. - Those are called dreams, we all have them, most of us are sane enough to recognize that they're not real, random brain firings of the imagination and memories combined.  Oh and the regression part? That's from Buddhism, one of the oldest religions in the world, you're welcome for the giggles but as someone that believes in reincarnation you'd think you were aware of its most popular religious practices...you should probably do your homework.

-Studies on death and dieing show that people that were terminally ill were placed on a scale and at the moment of death .. The body drops a ounce in weight and .. I can read you pretty well and more then likely you will say of course they took a dump !!!- First I've heard this, I'd love to see the studies...I'd also love to know if you're aware how much an ounce of weight is...its like if you exhaled the air in your lungs...its next to nothing. It's certainly not some ancient spirit leaving the body.

You're Up.