We're Entering A Weird Age in Parenting Thanks to Facebook

Go here for other great examples of Facebook parenting.

Wow, that Dad kinda just laid it all out there for his unborn Fetus there, didn't he?  "Like way to lay it on heavy Dad, want me to decide who gets custody while I'm still in here too? I'm kinda leaning towards mom right now, you know due to the whole umbilical chord life support issue and the free breast milk, but maybe we can talk about this in a year or so when I'm more of a real person."

Shit, good luck to this kid.  I feel like we're entering into a very strange period in time for parenting, where parents who are waayyyy to into social networking (read dorks) are so anxious to pick up another friend or Twitter follower that they're creating digital lives pre-birth for their kids.  Just a strange, strange thought process.

I legit saw one mom live blogging the shit out of her first child's birth.  Just status updates on Facebook like every 20 minutes, "I'm 6 centimeters dialated" , "He's Crowning!" , "Man my vagina will never be the same."  People realize there are just somethings no one needs an update on, right? Like how about just sending out a mass text once the kid is out of you and we'll bring you some chocolate cigars and flowers and stuff like usual.  I really don't need mobile upload pics of the placenta haunting my nightmares.

Now this freaks me out for two reasons.  One, really? This is what you want for your kids? Instant exposure to the internet.  That's just terrible parenting.  I know everyone thinks the internet is a great tool, its the future, blah, blah, blah.  Horseshit.  There are like 5 good sites worth going to for news and entertainment purposes, that's it (and this one isn't even one of them, you're literally wasting your time here).  The rest of the internet is filled with pedophiles, porn, online gambling, sex slave trade, and blogs dedicated to making fun of unborn fetuses for the horrible and unlucky life they're about to have (that's where we fit in).  

And two, because if that frigen pre-infant has more twitter followers or facebook friends than The Alt-Tab, well I'm going to just straight lose it.  It's embarrassing enough that I'm disappointed when an obvious spammer is booted off Twitter because it means my follower numbers are taking a hit, I don't need some gooey fetus out friending me too.  So if you're reading this and have a Twitter, hit the button up to the right, or the follow on facebook icon and help a desperate blogger out.

Potential Porn Titles Found in bin Laden's Stash

Fox News - A stash of pornography was found in the Pakistani compound of Usama bin Laden raided last week by Navy SEALs, U.S. officials told Fox News. The pornography taken from the compound, first reported by Reuters, is said to have included modern, electronically recorded video and is described as fairly extensive.

So apparently this is the hot news out of the bin Laden compound these days, Osama's been whacking it despite multiple wives/concubines.  Here's the big question, what were the titles of his films? Like I'm sure he wasn't watching the same American porn that college kids in their dorm are watching every day.  Had to be some kinda crazy jihad shit, right?  Can't imagine Ass Crammers 18 or Young Wet Sluts 89 doing it for bin Laden.  So while many people have already speculated on the possible movie titles in his collection, I've gathered a few of my favorites I've heard so far.  Feel free to drop a comment with additional ones I may be overlooking:

• Talibuns (all about big ass muslims)
• Whora-Bora (from the pic above, so simple, yet so good)
• Weapons of Mass Buttfucktion (a CW original)
• Poonjab Poontang 65
• Oral Qaeda (my personal favorite)
• No Fatwa Chics
• Hajji Handjobs
• Allahs Anal Adventure (Yea, this one's a bit offensive, its also hysterical)
• Osama bin Loaden (home movies, another CW original)

I think I can speak for most 20 something male Americans and say screw the kill shot pictures, I just want to know the official list of titles in a terrorists porn collection.

Man Pulls Gun on Meter Man Attempting to Give him Parking Ticket

Boston Globe - An Everett man is facing charges after he allegedly pulled a gun on a Cambridge parking control officer who had given him a ticket. Fritzner Bellevue, 27, of Everett was illegally parked on Magazine Street when the officer approached his vehicle, Cambridge police spokesman Dan Riviello said. Bellevue was inside the vehicle and the officer told him to move his vehicle or he would be issued a ticket. An argument ensued, and the officer continued his patrol. The officer returned shortly after the encounter and found Bellevue’s vehicle unattended and still illegally parked, and issued him a ticket. As the officer continued his patrol, he allegedly saw Bellevue’s vehicle drive by with the side window down. Bellevue revealed a handgun, Riviello said. “The operator allegedly held up a handgun and waved it at him and threatened him,” he said.


I'm not saying pulling a gun on the guy was the way to go here, but I’m not all that shocked or upset that this guy let the meter man have it a little bit.  There is no job less respectable than the job of meter maid.  A hired douche from city hall who couldn’t get a real job in security or law enforcement, spending your days trolling around with little pads of orange paper, inevitably crusing around town in clown sized cars or hoofing it in your fake police officer uniform.


And no one, I mean no one, has let such a little amount of power get so much to their head.  These guys have the ultimate napoleon complex.  Hey guy, would it kill you to give me a break if I’m sitting in the car, or if you catch me wakling back like 3.5 minutes after the meter expired. Your job isn’t that important, just rip the ticket up and go on with your day.  Your life may suck but it doesn’t have to be miserable getting yelled at and taunted with guns all day.  Just rip up a ticket or be a normal human being once in a while and everything would be cool. Pricks.

The Rapture's Coming May 21st, and I want the Stuff You'll Be Leaving Behind

Not going to lie, I saw this idea elsewhere, and thought, goddamn that's a good idea, why didn't I think of that.  I mean if anyone isn't being taken on their spiritual journey for the Rapture, its me.  I've by no means led a chaste, pure life, and frankly, I haven't found time for repentence, what with the full time job and this blog and all. 


So what did I do? I copied his idea, dead serious.  Hoping to score anything, small or big, but preferably big.  Or maybe even just a few DVD sets, like the complete Scrubs series or something. 

Funniest Human Bicycle at the Airport You'll See Today

See more funny videos and TBT at Todays Big Thing.

Guys, guys, I know you may be uncomfortable coming out, but pulling weird circus stunts on the moving airport sidewalk isn't the way to hide it.  You don't have to pretend to be doing the human bicycle in order to enjoy eachothers company in public anymore.  Being gay isn't the same stigma it once was, you can just go about your day like normal people, no longer perpetuating gay stereotypes.

Unless of course you you really wanted to tongue your friends ass in public...that's still frowned upon.  In that case, carry on with your rouse.  

Guy in the middle must've lost a bet, no?

Dallas Teen Finds and Turns in 2G's in Cash, City Planned to Keep the Money

If you find this in your backyard, don't turn it in.

Fox News - When 15-year-old Ashley Donaldson found $2,000 on a Dallas street and turned it over to authorities, she thought she’d be rewarded for her honesty. But a new city policy has prevented her from pocketing the unclaimed cash, prompting an outcry from the community. In fact, rather than reward the girl, the city policy calls for the money to be treated like contraband -- and added to the municipal coffers.  But under pressure from the public, Dallas police appear to be having a change of heart, saying the girl will likely be given the money she found if the owner doesn’t step forward. “Assuming the rightful owner doesn’t come forward, I think there’s a very good chance she will be awarded the money,” Lt. Chess Williams, spokesman with the Dallas Police Department, told FoxNews.com.  Williams said money claimed by the city is not taken for a “sinister purpose,” but rather deposited into the city’s general fund and used for the good of the community – like buying new fire hoses or books for the library.

What kind of dicked up place is Dallas, Texas anyway?  People who turn in found cash dont even get to keep it? It gets treated as drug money?  Nothing but crooks and swindlers in Dallas I guess. "Not for a sinister use" my ass.  Buying new books for the library, please, I've heard that one before.  More like paying for politicians bar tabs on their lunch meet and greets for fueling up the gas tanks of political hacks with government cars they use for the family vacation.  Did you honestly expect anyone to believe that cash was going to be used to buy a new fire hose?  That's the worst lie I've heard in my life.  That shit is embarrassing for the experienced and accomplished liar that I'm sure a local politician has to be.

It's not entirely the governments fault though.  If there's one thing I've learned from childhood, it's that if you find money, you just keep it.  True story, I once found a nice crisp $50 spot at my local convenience store back when I was like 12.  Lot of money for a kid that age, could have kept me in cherry flavored slush for an entire summer.  Instead I did "the right thing" and turned it in.   I got called back like 3 hours later, apparently the woman who lost the cash came back and claimed it and left me a reward...A .50 cent Sugar Daddy.  A frigen Sugar Daddy!? Wow, that's it?  .50 cents, are you sure you can afford it, don't want to break the bank on you.  

Granted 12 year old CW was thrilled.  Free candy, right?  Well not a day has gone by that I haven't wondered what my life would have been like if I'd kept that $50.  One things for certain, I'd be $50 richer right now.  But who knows what else could have happened along the way.  That $50 could have led to some computer program investment and I could have beaten Google to the punch, been a multi-billionaire just yamming it up on my island sized yacht somewhere.  Insstead I just got one step closer to another cavity and life as a middle manager.  Life's a bitch sometimes.

Woman Sues Chuckee Cheese for Teaching Kids to Gamble

Yea, looks like he's miserable, no fun at all going on here.

Fox News - A San Diego mother is suing Chuck E. Cheese, the favorite pizza chain of kids across the nation, accusing the restaurant of illegal gambling. Denise Keller, mother of two daughters, says Chuck E. Cheese has replaced its traditional games of skee-ball and whack-a-mole with machines that resemble slot machines, Capitol Weekly reported. The lawsuit says that “many games found at Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurants are illegal gambling devices that require little or no skill and are predominantly games of chance, much like a roulette wheel,” according to the paper. Keller’s attorney, Eric Benink, said the games have flashing lights and bright colors just like slot machines. "There was no fun involved in the game other than an opportunity to win a prize," he told Capitol Weekly. “It’s just pure random luck in terms of spinning out a result. That, we believe, is a slot machine, as California penal code spells out.”

Well no shit lady, way to point out the obvious.  The casino's gotta have some way of training us kids at a young age, just like cigarettes with their awesome Joe Camel, you gotta get your customers while they're young and impressionable. Everyone knows that, and everyone until now has seemed ok with it until you came along and ruined all the fun.  Suing Chuckee Cheese for teaching kids to gamble is like suing the Church (is Church capitalized when you say "the" in front of it?) for teaching kids to drink during communion.  It's kind of just a given that everyone accepts.

And what is this shit line about "no fun involved in the game, other than the opportunity to win a prize."  Umm, have you been a child?  That is the fun.  You think I averaged 5 boxes of cereal a week from ages 5-10 for my health? I was scarfing down Frosted Flakes and Cinnamon Toast Crunch like it was my job for years just collecting x-ray glasses, yo-yo's and various other trinkets that were no where near worth the risk of childhood obesity, but I did it for the prize, it was fun.    

So is entering a token into a machine and pressing a button hoping to win more tokens or tickets which you can change in for various noise makers and Indian Headdresses gambling? Well yes, yes it is.  And it's also a lot of fun.

Man Terrified and Skeptical of The Devils Stairs During First Escalator Ride

See more funny videos and Technology at Todays Big Thing.

Sure, everyone laughs now that they've been riding these things for years, but not one of you can tell me you weren't at the very least anxious as shit riding escalators as a child, if not flat out petrified.

For me it wasn't so much getting on, it was the approach to the exit.  My palms would start sweating about mid way up, I'd legit be in a sprinters stance, ready to bound as soon as the top of the escalator came into view.  

My parents stunted my development into thinking casually exiting the escalator would lead to my foot being dismembered in a heinous and painful way.  That line of thinking kept up all the way until I was 13 or so and went to the mall alone with a few friends for the first time.  I shit you not, we got on the escalator, and just like every other time I was on my marks from the start, and blasting off that escalator just as it started to crest the top.

Well imagine my embarrassment when I turned to see my friends were still a solid 5 steps from the top when I turned back.  Jaws agape at what they had just witnessed.  I played it off as just goofing around, but I think deep, deep down, they knew.

Nothing haunted my dreams more as a child.

Kim Jong Il is Gangsta, North Korea Stepping Up Their Heroin Production

Fox News - Pinched by tightening economic sanctions and faced with what might become a contentious transition of power, North Korea is ramping up production of one of its key foreign currency generators -- heroin.  When satellite photos were released last week by Amnesty International showing the rogue nation’s prison camp system, some analysts were surprised by the expansion of agricultural lands around the camps.  “What was really surprising,” one satellite analyst, who studied the images but asked not to be identified, said, “was how farming acreage on the land around the Yodok camp had expanded. These are poppy fields and have been since we first looked at the camp in 2001.”  That assessment was underscored by Chuck Downs, executive director of the Committee for Human Rights in North Korea, who said that the regime's military, which runs the camps and the nation’s illicit heroin production, “do not allow food production by prisoners because they would steal it. They would rather grow drugs.” Downs said that the increase is the result of the bite of trade sanctions that are beginning to devastate the nation's economy and the need to quickly replace the hard currency lost to sanctions. Of particular importance to the regime was the sale of missiles and arms abroad, which accounted for a large proportion of foreign income, but the 2006 trade embargo has vastly curtailed those sales.

Kim Jong Il is gangsta as a motha.  Ihad no idea this was who we were dealing with.  "Oh you'll slap sanctions on me so I can't sell guns and missiles and shit? No big deal, I'll just have my farmers grow more heroin and have my foreign diplomats slang that shit from their embassy's. Diplomatic Immunity!"

At least that's what I figure he said. Make no mistake, this guy is probably the most successful oppressive dictator in the last 50-60 years.  Here's a country who's main export for the last 20 years has been guns and drugs, that won't let its citizens grow food on their farms in fear that they're so hungry they'll just steal and eat it, and yet there is no revolt, no uprising to speak of like we're seeing in Northern Africa and the Middle East.  

It's unbelievable.  This guy would have been the best slave driver in American history if he lived during that time.  The Il's would have been as rich as the Carnegies and the Rockefellers.