Family Feud Reaction (vid inside)

You can almost see Steve Harvey calculating how much time he has left before he gets canned after this little stunt.  I mean did you see the deadness in his eyes when the contestant said "a joint."

Had to just be thinking, Motherfucker, I'm black! Do you know how hard it was to convince the producers to let me host this honky-tonk show? I need this job man. Do you know how quickly I'm going to get blamed for this?

I mean he knows it right at the end of the skit "this is not good." No, no it's not.  It was a good run Steve, but it's time to move on.  I hear they need a host to replace Regis, maybe go ahead and give that a shot because you're time here has run out.  It aint my decision, blame the old white ladies that run the day time TV cartel.

Hostage Taking Bank Robber Killed In North Carolina

NY Times - A man who took several hostages at a bank in Cary was shot to death Thursday as he tried to leave with a woman at gunpoint, the authorities said. The Cary police chief, Pat Bazemore, said no hostages were injured during the three-hour standoff at the Wachovia branch in the Raleigh suburb. She said that seven people were inside the bank and that six of them were taken hostage. The seventh hid and gave information to the police about what was happening in the bank. Police identified the dead man as 19-year-old Devon Mitchell. “This is absolutely not how we wanted this to end,” Chief Bazemore said. 

Talk about getting jacked up over a news story.  I was popping pop-corn and on the edge of my seat like 12 year old girl watching the results show on Idol watching this play out on the evening news. I was rivetet. 

I thought scenes like this only played out in Denzel Washington movies (who I assume was frantically on the phone buying the movie rights as this shit played itself out). It had everything hostages, cops with awesome assault rifles, and a crazy ass robber trying to make his last stand by walking out with a hostage at gun point. 

Gotta question the robbers decision to come out though, I know he tried to use the hostage as a human shield and all, but he's gotta understand these cops have been fantasizing about this situation all their lives, Chief Bazemore's "not how we wanted this to end" quote be damned. This is North Carolina.  While you and I were out back pretending to be John Elway or Nomar Garciaparra, these gun toting rednecks were running around dreaming of exactly this, a robber using a human a shield and squeezing off that perfect shot to kill the robber and free the hostage.  This was their game winning home run.  

A guys dream came true today. And that's a pretty special thing.

Best of the Blogs

Well How Did That Work Out For You - Communist propoganda poster seen above.  Did these guys learn nothing from Uncle Sam? You sprinkle that photo with a few patriotic colors and America would be very different right now.  Obama would look like a borderline conservative.

7 Best TV Characters that are Technically Alcoholics - I don't know how they missed the entire cast of the Jersey Shore, seems like a glaring editorial oversight.  Hilarious list none the less.

Study Shows Porn More Popular Than Music - Ahh the internet, infinite possibilities, and infinite porn.

Man Avoids Wife for Three Years By Labeling Her A Terrorist - Men, this is how you end a marriage the right way.  This guy should be auctioning his services to the highest bidder.  Wife giving you hell about the splitting of the assets, for a fraction of the price of divorce this guy can have her deported, problem solved.

That's all for today, tune back in tomorrow, Pennypacker swears he'll meet his deadline before I'm forced to give him the boot. I'm not convinced...

Best Dating Profile Ever?

Pic from Steven Humour

No, no it's not the best dating profile ever. Because while I appreciate the fact that he's blunt and to the point about his lack of enthusiasm for murder, maiming and torture, I can't help but get hung up on the "trying to quit" smoking status.

You either smoke or you don't bro. Every smoker is "trying to quit." It's a disgusting, and frankly contradictory habit.  Second hand smoke is a real killer. For someone that has gone so far out of their way to establish their pacifist ways I've got to question the logic in lighting up biological weapons like its no big deal.

That said, I note you're interested in digging and shoveling. Perhaps you'd be interested in joining team Alt-Tab in this springs Great American Hole Digging Competition?  Get back at me.

Sweet Prius Bro

The Japanese equivalent of the American Douchebag.

Pic from Twitpic

NY State Rep Resigns Over Shirtless Photos on Craigslist

Fox News - Rep. Christopher Lee resigned from office Wednesday just hours after a report claimed the married Republican congressman sent a shirtless photo of himself to a woman on Craigslist. "The challenges we face in Western New York and across the country are too serious for me to allow this distraction to continue, and so I am announcing that I have resigned my seat in Congress effective immediately.".."It's unfortunate. He did the right thing," he said. "This is one of the things my wife and I talked about during the campaign. If someone is willing to lead a secret life away from their spouse, how can the general public trust you?"

This is ridiculous. We're getting to the point where we're literally going to run out of qualified people for office if we keep holding them to these ridiculous Puritanical standards.  There just aren't that many losers out there these days who don't have some skeleton in their closet or fetish that the Tea Party Unichs won't find morally reprehensible.  And with the advent of the internet, even those too shy or mentally fragile to make waves in the real world are letting their inner freak flag fly annonymously (or so they assume) on the internet.

Just think about everyone you knew in high school and then in college for a second.  Can you honestly think of one squeaky clean person who could do  no wrong at one time or another.  And if you can, can you be sure that they weren't going back to their dorm at night trolling sexually deviant message boards or exposing their genetalia via webcam? I can't.

Shouldn't our government be representative of the make up of our citizens?  Creepy Craigslist people, guys who engage in man-on-man sex in bathroom stalls, and men who cheat on their wives and get engaged to their mistress shortly after their late wife's death, they all deserve representation too, doesn't matter if you agree with their lifestyles.  That's what this nation was founded on, and that's the America I want to live in.

Would you Buy A Conterfeit Condoms To Save A Few Bucks

Slate - More than 700,000 ultra-thin condoms disappeared on their way from Malaysia to Japan last week. When the freighter arrived in Japan, the condom containers were empty, and the locks had been changed. Cargo theft is relatively common in Malaysia, but why would anyone steal that many condoms? How much might the thieves get for them? A few thousand dollars, if they're really lucky. Although the stolen ultra-thin condoms would have retailed for $1.5 million, the thief will have a hard time getting that kind of cash in a black market transaction. The going wholesale rate for condoms in Asia is just a few cents per unit, and that's among legitimate businessmen. People who buy condoms on the black market are accustomed to getting them for much less. Counterfeiters have been known to sell a couple hundred untested condoms in brand-name packaging for a dollar, and the knockoffs have popped up in shops all over the world.

Honestly, I would have never thought this was a problem.  I mean who are the asshole store keepers buying thousands of condoms from some shady individual in a trench coat? These guys get it in too, right?  Us men have to stick together here on this issue. No one wants to hook-up with a cheap knock off condom only to end up on an upcoming Paternity Test Special on Maury.  Like toilet paper, there are just somethings you can't skimp and get away with. 

And apparently America no longer manufactures condoms, they're basically all shipped in from seedy plants in Thailand from what I'm getting out of this article.  Say what you want about our dependence on foreign oil, but I think this may be an even bigger threat to our national security. Look at China, they presumably import their condoms from Thailand and look how big their population is.  That's no accident, just a shit load of counterfeit condoms. In the US people are already getting pregnant left and right in the "hood" just for free food stamps and welfare checks.  Do we really need to add to the national deficit by risking these people coming across faulty, counterfeit condoms (assuming they know where to buy a condom in the first place)? 

This has financial terrorism disaster written all over it.

Guest Blog: The TV Doctor is Back for More. Friday Night Lights and Justified

Two things happened last night that the good Dr. probably should have wrote about “before” and not “after”. But in the ironies of all ironies, I was sick yesterday and so weak and feeble the mere idea of writing on a keyboard made me sleepy. After some healthy doses of CVS brand NyQuil and a long night of sleep I am back and ready to review some big tube news.

 

 

Item #1: Last night was the series finale of “Friday Night Lights”. It’s always a sad time when one of my favorite all-time shows ends. However, I’ve chosen to spend the fortune from my medical practice on other things besides a Direct TV package. So I have yet to see an episode of FNL’s final season. For those who don’t know, over the last three seasons of the show, new episodes have premiered on Direct TV in the fall, and then the show has premiered the same episodes later in the year on NBC. In an even weirder twist, this year the DVD of season 5 will be released days before the first episode appears on NBC. My expert opinion advises all of you to watch this show, and not only the final season. Don’t worry if you didn’t like the movie, don’t worry if you don’t like football, don’t worry if you’re still upset they cancelled “Early Edition” and can’t bear the thought of seeing Kyle Chandler in a new show. The football scenes become less frequent as the show goes on, and the overall themes of the show have very little to do with football. It’s actually closer to a higher quality “Gossip Girl” if it took place in Texas, was about middle class people, dealt with real issues to normal people and the male teenage characters didn’t seem like total fucking pussies who are completely undeserving of the upper echelon snatch they reel in. Basically it’s only similar to GG in that many of the main characters are high school students. I would say this show is probably the best show I recommend that literally almost no one watches. The show’s over so I’m not steering you to watch just to improve ratings. I’m telling you to watch this show to improve your lives.

Item #2: The second season of “Justified” premiered on FX last night. I was fairly disinterested in this show in the beginning of its first season. As you can tell by my pseudonym, I like shows that are more serialized. “Justified” started off to seem more like a procedural show. That all changed around the mid point of the season and I became hooked. Timothy Olyphant has always been a favorite of mine and he does a great job playing Federal Marshall Raylan Givens. A much better job than he did as Danny on “The Office” this year. Speaking of which, what the hell ever happened to that? That show sucks. Walton Goggins from “The Shield” plays Raylan’s childhood friend Boyd who went from bad guy to good guy, and I’m assuming back to bad guy this season. The relationship between these two enemies/allies is the highlight of the show for me. FX will play this first episode a few times this week so you should be able to catch it, and I wouldn’t say seeing the first season is necessary for tuning in now.

That’s all I have for you today. For everyone who chooses to take my advice and watch FNL from the beginning, I am truly jealous of your getting to watch it all for the first time. You will not be disappointed.

-Dr. Jack Shephard

Michael Jackson Haunting Walmart

Walmart comes back comes back big after last week's "People Who Shop At Walmart" debacle. 

It's almost to the point where if Walmart offered WiFi in their little cafe area I'd feel obligated to go live blog on site for the day just to see what happens next.