The Second Coming Is Near?

Is this guy serious? Does he really think I'm buying his jewlery shit if the 2nd coming is right around the corner? I'll just wait til the riot starts and loot the place, right now I need to stock up on non-perishables and shotguns.

Look, I'm sure the second coming is supposed to be some joyous celebration, but that's just not realistic.  Have you seen how humans behave these days?  If Jesus is coming back and expecting parades and shit he better bring an entourage of body guards and a bullet proof car, shit is out of control on earth right now.  People have straight up forgotten how to celebrate and have a good time, we all just move straight to rioting as a reflex reaction to any kind of news now.  

I think I speak for the few of us sane humans left when I beg that the come back be put off just a while longer.  We're just not as a place where we can handle it right now.  

PS:  If the you knew the Apocalypse was coming would you run out and open as many credit cards as possible?  Its the first thing I'd do. I'd live large for however long earth had left.

Shut Up About the Wikileaks

Do you know who that creepy, pervy looking guy above is? No, its not Barney from How I Met Your Mother, its Julian Assange, founder of Wiki-leaks (also he really may be creepy and pervy).

This guy has literally turned the worlds government, corporations, and media outlets into a bunch of gossiping school girls all trashing on how slutty the others are.  Do you know how frigen hard this guy has made my life?  Every time I've gone browsing for suitable Alt-Tabs this week I've been bombarded with more "he said, she said" stories about various diplomats and national leaders.  Who gives a shit? Didn't these people go through high school? Everyone talks shit, its a fact of life. Stop acting all surprised and righteous when you find out the same people you trash in private are doing the same thing about you.  Its not a big deal. 

You're supposed to have learned by now how to diffuse the awkward situations arising from your prior shit talking.  Two paths to take, play dumb and deny (a sign of weakness upon being called out but typically ends the discussion), or pick a mutual foe and spin the conversation to shared shit talking about them.  That's it, its that simple. 

So to CNN and Fox News, I'm begging you, please cover something new. Let this pass.  This wiki-leaks situation is fast becoming what Brett Favre is to ESPN, a producers wet dream, but a genital wart to viewers/readers. Get back to reporting on humorous white trash stories that I can fairly un-originally  regurgitate for a few laughs.

Indoor Soccer Wrap Up Week 4

Hope you all enjoyed the one week hiatus. Team B8 was on its bye week last week, and the rust showed last night.  A few lapses in concentration were all it took for mighty B8 to fall to its stiffest competition yet (thats what she said).  One positive to take away (and I had to think real hard to come up with one) is that we most definitely would have dominated any of our previous 3 opponents if we played as well as we did last night.  The other team last night played like a well oiled machine, they took advantage of our miscues and that was really all there was to it.  Well, almost.

B8 isn't going to receive a game ball for our performance last night.  Too traumatizing an ending.  Instead the game ball will go to the horrendous referee.  I'm not going to come out and say the word, but she was a "rhymes with bunt." A seriously blind "rhymes with bunt."  I'm not sure if the other team paid a little extra in ref's fees or if the Maestros threatening body language and stolen looks turned her against us but it sure seemed the fix was in from the start, and there is nothing more aggravating than realizing midway through a match that your side isn't going to get a call the rest of the way. 

 That's all for this week, I'll bottle up this fiery rage (more like light smoldering but we've got to rally the troops somehow) for next week when the CW will be making a cameo appearance as goal keeper.  Should be interesting.

Qatar to Host 2022 World Cup

If thats not the face of pure evil then I dont know what is.  Literally 30 seconds after his country was announced hosts of the 2022 World Cup this guy began devising his evil genius plan.  I have no idea what they have in store for the rest of the world, but judging by that sleaze ball grin its going to make the whole vuvuzella crisis of this past summer feel like a dream.

PS: What did this guy have on the FIFA organization? Look at that FIFA reps face.  Can't even believe he had to hand over the trophy to this slime ball.  I'm seriously afraid for 2022.

Enough with the Bell Ringing

Damnit, I tried real hard this year, but we're only one week past Thanksgiving and I'm already ready to rip that goddamn bell out of the next persons hand and shove it up their ass.  Before I get too far, understand that I know what you're doing is for a good cause, but that doesn't mean you're not annoying the shit out of me.  

Starts innocently enough, outside a mall, maybe a department store, couple days later they're posted up right in front of every supermarket, and then finally outside busy subway stations.  I literally can't leave the house with out $.50 in change in my pocket in fear feeling guilty the rest of my day if I don't have anything to drop in the bucket.  Except there are so many of these guys this year that I'm carrying around about $1.75 in nickels and dimes just to try and keep up. 

And is it just me or are the bell ringers getting a bit aggressive this year?  Hey asshole, you don't have to ring the bell louder as people approach, we're not frigen sensory deprived, I can hear you, and believe it or not I can see you in that bright red smock.  If I have some change you'll get it.  

And then there are the truly greedy SOB's of the bell ringing community.  The ones that hit you going in and coming out.  Just as unethical as it gets.  Everyone who's ever solicited outside a store knows you pick either the entering customers or the exiting customers to pitch too and that's it.  Fourth grade kids selling candy bars have a tighter game than these people.  If one person this season tries to hit me up on the way out after they already whacked me on the way in I'm going to demand a refund.  I'm all for charitable giving but the Salvation Army may want to screen their ringers for douches and pricks before they let any old person grab a bell and smock.  

PS: Does anyone know if they tally how much individuals collect at the end of the day?  That would be a fun bet, get a few people to go ringing, person who collects the most wins, the rest of the players owe him in sum the same amount that he collected for the day (and yes I realize that it may be a problem if I have to equate gambling into charitable giving to get me off the couch).  I'm pretty sure I'd set some kind of Salvation Army single day record, just turn on that boyish charm and dress slightly hobo-ish.  Pure gold.

Guy Almost Dies Falling Down Empty Bleachers

You'd think the band would cut and the Spirit Finger Gals would break to recoil in horror or even, and I know this may be crazy, go see if the guy needs help.  But no, they kept right on playing, and the dancers carried on.

Didn't matter to them that the stands were empty and, in all likelihood, even if people were there no one would care about them, probably too busy taking a piss break or waiting in line for beer.  Just a bunch of professionals, rocking their shit and carrying on as if this were the big time.  And I respect the hell out of them for that.  Can't be distracted by a guy plummeting to his likely death, how many people are maimed and injured during a normal sporting event? At least 10 right?  You've got to prepare like you've already made it. 

Just like the Alt-Tab.  Sure we only get like 75 hits a day on a good day, like 4 comments a week, and 1 reader e-mail in the history of reader e-mails.  But none of that shit is distracting me.  I'm just going to keep going about my business, cursing the bastards among you under my breath that lame me without having the courtesy to make fun of me in the comments section, and blog my ass of a couple hours a day while I'm not at my real job (as well as a couple hours while I'm at my real job). 

New Gimmick: Tweet Teasing

Have you ever decided to follow someone on Twitter, assuming that they'd be a good source of interesting, if not useful information, only to find out that they tweet the most nonsensical/un-important observations possible (its a hypothetical question, it obviously applies to 90% of Twitters members)?  Starting this week I'm going to address this problem.  Occasionally I'm going to pick a Tweeter that I've chose to follow (you can follow me, @TheAltTab, or by clicking the link in the sidebar) who for whatever reason either isn't living up to expectations, or is annoying the piss out of me with a steady stream of useless tweets.

This weeks target? SI's Seth Davis, who just last night shared with his followers these gems:

"Now Fraschilla is on the laptop, fresh off the Ohio State game. How did he get back to Bristol so fast?"

"Doug Gottlieb is on my laptop for halftime seg on UTEP-NMex St, and he's doing color on Gtown-Mizzou on my TV. The man is everywhere."

"Kemba Walker had 30 again tonight in UConn's win over New Hampshire. Right on his average."

"Illinois is really hard to watch sometimes. Lots of talent, but not enough mud in their blood. Stop settling for jump shots and DRIVE."

And several other occasions where he is just commenting on time and score like a radio play-by-play announcer.

Seth- The reason people follow you is for your perceived inside information, not casual insights that anyone watching these games on their couch can deliver.  Follow me this week as I reply to Seth's posts in a sarcastic and taunting manner, at least until he blocks me. 

FBI Targeting Spam King

No, sadly not that spam...

NOVEMBER 30--An FBI investigation has identified the young Russian man behind the notorious “Mega-D” botnet, the malicious network of more than 500,000 infected computers that was capable of sending ten billion spam e-mails a day and, until late last year, reportedly accounted for nearly a third of the spam clogging the Internet, The Smoking Gun has learned.

Why are we wasting our time with this? If anything Mega-D (sick name by the way) should be recognized for his accomplishments.  1/3 of all the Spam on the internet? That's one of the more impressive stats I've heard in a while.  

But really what is the harm in spam? At this point the only people falling for these things are willingly getting involved or are so dumb they're beyond help.  I mean have you checked your spam folder lately?  These things are hilarious, porn and male enhancer offers, discounted luxury items, tales of foreign royalty in need of your help, a ridiculous amount of foreign bride offers, and apparently, I've won approximately 12 different lotteries in Europe and the UK within the last month.  Each either containing infinite grammatical and spelling errors, or impossible promises of riches from absolute strangers (not to mention there would seem to be a very large amount of millionaire heirs in some of these African countries which are supposedly impoverished).  

How are these anymore dangerous than actual junk mail and credit card offers that come through regular mail?  I'm going to say on average I receive 7 credit card offers a week, despite the on-going debt crisis and credit reform.  In addition, who hasn't received these ludicrous pyramid scheme letters, if I send $1 out to twelve different people and then tell 10 myself I'll somehow make $130k this year.  People are far more likely to fall for that than spam which is largely filtered (unless it actually works? Does it actually work? excuse me, I'm going to go get 12 stamps).

Tom Brady, Ugg Endorsement

God damnit Tom, couldn't you just be cool?  Yea you're an MVP, super bowl winning qb, with a super model wife, but shit, you're queer as hell these days.

Is it wrong of me to say that? I've held back for quite some time now, the Stetson modeling, all the GQ appearances, that dicked up photo shoot he did with sheep or goat thing, this whole Justin Bieber hair thing, Giselle just shitting all over your manhood whenever I open the Boston Herald.  Most of that I could laugh off and pretend it was his James Bond-ish suave side. But I have to draw the line somewhere and lash out and this is it.  The only men (hardly) I've seen wearing uggs were eating brunch together at a cafe during my time in the North End.

Sure he's still at the top of his game and I still believe he's the guy you want with 2 minutes remaining in a game.  At the same time is it so wrong for me to want to root for a QB who's comfortable in his wranglers (and apparently too comfortable in his Crocs), or wears the pants in his relationships (and puts his women in their place once in a while), or has bad ass pets more fitting of a QB (and punishes them when they disappoint him, instead of coddling)?  

I guess as long as the Pats continue on their quest for Title No. 4 this Monday against the Jets I'll settle for rooting for our Goody Two Uggs QB, even if he's a little lighter in those loafers than I care to think about.  But could you at least pick up a taunting flag or something?