Mena Suvari Was Gross

I'm not the only one that thought Mena Suvari was ugly from the very beginning, right?  Not even Hollywood ugly, but just plain old, regular life ugly.  I'm up late with a case of Sunday night insomnia watching American Pie 2 and I still can't figure out what producers and directors saw in her, and this is like 10 years later.  I was 15 when American Pie came out.  At that age boys will find just about any girl under 200 pounds attractive, so to say  I found her ugly from the get go is really saying something, yet here she was landing roles in coming of age type movies.

I'm just glad everyone smartened up fairly quickly.  I took a quick peek at her IMDB page, which much to my relief, confirmed that here career has severely stagnated since 2001 (seriously, in 2005 it got so low that she took a role as a character just titled as "whore").  Ironically enough it was probably her most critically acclaimed movie that did her in.  The scene in American Beauty where Ricky (the creepy kid next door) called her out on being ugly sealed her fate.  The blinders were lifted and everyone took a good close look, the verdict was in...ugly as charged. 

Alt-Tabs

Asians Pass Out Drunk on Job Interview - Last week, 4 young men – 2 of whom are due to graduate from university next year – in China’s southwestern metropolis of Chongqing were found passed out drunk on a popular city square after a boozy lunch with their leader-to-be...Eager to impress the boss, they competed in drinking more alcohol. In the end they were wasted. At first, they just sat on the ground chatting, but soon three of them lied down and passed out. The fourth guy leaned against a telephone pole, standing unsteadily, occasionally muttered some words out his mouth [sic] and shivered non-stop.

Typical Stereotypical asians.  Do they have 4 Loko over there as well?  If not then what the hell did these guys drink?
I also love how everyone stopped to gather around and look at these guys.  Shit like that just does not happen here.  There's probably 10-15 passed out people in or around Fanueil hall at any given time Thurs night through Sunday afternoon and no one ever stops to stare at them.


Tiger on Twitter - Yesterday, the voice of Tiger Woods hit Twitter for the first time and a flock of followers came to make sure everything Tiger says appears in their timeline. Woods told Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio and ESPN2 this morning that his interview, his piece in Newsweek and his Twitter feed was about reconnecting with his fans.

Yea, "reconnecting with his fans."  More like reconnecting with all the hoochies whose phone numbers he had to delete when Elin put his life and bank account in danger.  He was also quoted as saying he's "happier than ever" yesterday, I'm sure it has nothing to do with all the top shelf hookers that he's surely got following him.  The Alt-Tab is strongly considering breaking it's Twitter boycott just to follow Tigers hook-up trail.


HR Rep Loses His Shit - When the president of a company began e-mailing a prospective employee, neither of them thought it would end in a war of words...But when he looked over her resume he encountered what he told MyFoxDetroit.com was a ‘glaring misspelling.’ Otto sent her an e-mail suggesting she check her resume for spelling errors...Sinclair continued: "I still don't know who you are…your tag says that you're a president. You're a president of what? 'When I went to his website, there were no openings posted...Otto responded "Well, well. I do have several opportunities in human resources due to the fact that I've acquired several of my competitors. It is of no surprise why you're unemployed and your resume has misspellings. I'm confident it's representative of the shoddy work you put out. You come across as a spoiled, snotty little ‘bitch’ and I believe you probably needed to hear that for a long time."

Umm, what did this guy expect her reaction to be? You can't just go out of your way, make time in your presumably busy day and try and help someone get a job in a brutal job market without expecting them to come back at you with a bitchy attitude. Dude should've seen it coming.  Who does he think he is trying to give her job advice? Shes got plenty of experience applying for jobs, probably applied and got turned down 10 times in the past month, she knows what shes doing...Bitch.

Idaho Women Fall for the Old Breast Exam Scam - An Idaho judge has set bond at $100,000 for a Boise woman police say posed as a physician and duped at least two other women into having their breasts examined by her at Boise-area nightclubs...


Talk about a judge who is out of touch.  I know women are easily gullible and will believe just about anything after a drink or two but this is a bit too much. This isn't a guy lying about his profession, or telling them he's shipping off to war or to the Peace Corps to try and get laid.  There is just no way these women believed a Doctor set up shop at their local dive bar (yes it had to  be a dive bar, its Idaho, there isn't any other kind) and was performing breast examples in between slippery nipple shots.  Plus it was a woman doing the exams anyway.  Everyone knows women are allowed to grope other women at bars.  Its one of those unwritten rules of society.

Gripes of the Week

This was one of my favorite blogs to write, I'm bringing it back again this week. Basically I just keep track of things I'd usually gripe about to my friends and co-workers, spare them the agony, and share it with all of you.

Stories about 4 Loko - Got it, they're "dangerous." Except they're not.  I think its pretty clear at this point that college kids of today just can't hang with the college kids of my years.  Caffeinated alcohol has been around forever, these aren't anything new.  I used to pregame with a can of Sparks and a 40 oz of malt liquor, never saw me dying or crying that I needed to go to the hospital. Maybe we were just more hardcore, or maybe this next generation is made up of a bunch of sissy's.  Either way they've ruined it for the rest of us and future generations to come as Massachusetts is now banning all caffeinated alcoholic beverages (which won't stop me from enjoying a few VRB's this weekend (Vodka Redbulls, catchy right? Don't know how that isn't the accepted abbreviation yet). 

The Morning News - I'm watching it now.  It's 97.8% weather and traffic.  The other 2.2 is plugs for local businesses/musicians and some kind of public advisory piece (usually exercise or health food related).  I'm sure something had to have happened over night, its when all the criminals come out.  This is your chance to be fresh and keep me interested.  By the time I get home tonight at 7pm I'm going to have read all of the happenings from the previous day on the internet.  No need to watch your night time telecasts, they're not relevant.  If anything you should be doing puff pieces at night to help me forget about my day.  Leave the hardcore stories of murder, robbery and foreclosures in the morning when I'm still fresh and optimistic.  

Stories about Airport Scanners - Quit your bitching everyone. Travelers and TSA agents just STFU and go about your day.  Travelers- You don't want to be scanned, enjoy being groped, because you know what? I'd rather see you get molested than my ass blown up midair, but I'm funny that way.  TSA agents, stop poking the public with a stick, just take the complaints and go about your day. Every time you put out a press release you get the public more upset. Oh, and cut the shit about the images not being saved, its obviously not true, they're showing up online.  Just be honest.  I really don't care if people see a clear, silhouetted image of my body. Go for it, feel free.  There's plenty of porn out there on the internet that I can assume skeevy pervs would rather be looking at.

Three Vending Machine Related Gripes

1. Vending Machine Doesn't Drop- I'd say this happens to me at work 2 out of every 10 times leading to a rage on par with any driving experience.  Shake, kick, grab the office anorexic and see if their arm can reach high enough to grab my peanut m&m's, I've tried it all. None of it works. This is like the frigen bear trap of vending machines.  And obviously the maintence and cafe people don't maintain the vending machine, its an outside supplier.  Great, so my only option is feeding the machine more money and buying two items, because there's no way in hell I'm letting some other schmuck get a 2 for 1 deal.  Ruins my day every time.
2. Selecting the Wrong Item from The Vending Machine - Rare but when it happens you just have to slump your shoulders and mope back to your cube (or waiting room I guess, depending on where you are).  About twice a year I select a MilkyWay by mistake when going for a Snickers.  How about stop putting these two next to each other, they look too similar, a quick look without a double take and its easy to confuse them...until you bite into them.  MilkyWay's are like the welfare version of Snickers.  Were Peanuts just too costly? Unless there's a food allergy reason I can't believe anyone ever willingly buys a MilkWay. In fact I'd venture to say that 75-80% of their global sales are due to Snickers confusion (By the way to take the welfare analogy one step further, the 3 Musketeers bar is the homeless person of the candy bar community, just awful, and I feel like giving people my spare change whenever I see them somberly eating one of these minimalist treats).
3. When Vending Machine Prices Get Jacked Up - In the past two years the average candy in my office has gone from $.60 to one dollar with chips going for $1.10.  Look, I was upset when prices jumped up to a dollar for a non-king size candy bar, it just seemed odd that the vending industry is facing 45% inflation rates.  But $1.10 for chips and crackers?  What the fuck? Who brings an extra dime to the break room.  Don't we all just grab a dollar and make our way over?  Now I have to decide between whether to walk back, grab a dime and then have everyone see me go back to the machine and think I'm getting two things, Or, hang around and try and mooch a dime off someone I go out of my way to avoid and ignore every other day of the week.  This pisses me off to no end.

Super Hipster

Some how this isn't the outfit I'd expect for this big of an asshole. I was looking for something like exaggerated flood pants, suspenders, a corn cob pipe, white t-shirt, and a scaly cap to boot.  Maybe throw in a handle bar mustache for kicks.  This douche just looks like a Bono impersonator.  Much too modern and mainstream, probably wants to kill himself when he looked in mirror for conforming too close to societies ideals. 

Indoor Soccer Wrap-up Week 3: VICTORY

Pretty much what the opposition must have felt like last night. Yep, just all out domination from B8. Aggressive defense, sure handed goal keeping and timely offensive attacks. Never before has the pitch seen such a complete team game. 


This one included some chippiness from both sides.  B8 displayed an aggressiveness not yet seen, and the opposition was none too pleased about it.  Playing up the stereotypical panzy soccer player roles to perfection, the opposition cried foul and wet themselves at the slightest physical contact, led by their whining goal keeper and Bieber like striker.


Highlights included a breathtaking aerial strike off the curly haired head of captain Ross (assist Pascal), a text book give and go break by yours truly and the one and only Mazz.  Ross once again putting a shot on his own net, miraculously saved by The Huz (probably the toughest shot he had to save all night), and finally an open net goal by Andrea as the malcontent goalie from the other team was caught out of his net for the 100th time of the night. 


Mazz suggested this weeks game  ball go to The Team , we here at the Alt-Tab think ceremonial game balls are for 5 year olds playing Tee ball, and adult losers.  Andrea was going to receive game ball due to the look of utter disdain her open net goal put on the face of the goalie, but unfortunately will have to accept honorable mention because of breaking news (literally, you'll understand in a second) brought to my attention.  The game ball goes to Amanda, who un-announced until last night, suffered a broken nose in our first game yet has not missed a game.  A true warrior who embodies the B8 (seriously I hate this name someone please make a suggestion) team spirit. Congrats Amanda.

How Awesome is the Merchant of Death

BANGKOK -- Accused Russian arms merchant Viktor Bout was flown from Bangkok toward New York Tuesday in a chartered U.S. plane, extradited in manacles despite a final outraged push by Russian diplomats to persuade Thailand to release him instead, current and former American officials said.  A former Soviet military officer and air cargo executive nicknamed the "Merchant of Death" by critics, Bout had been accused of arming failed states and insurgents across the Third World since the 1990s, but he had never previously been arrested. Thailand's government ordered Bout, 43, placed in American custody Tuesday, 20 months after his March 2008 arrest in a sting operation led by U.S. narcotics agents. Since then, the wealthy businessman -- estimated by the U.S. to be worth $6 billion -- has been in a Thai jail...Bout has been accused of supplying weapons that fueled civil wars in South America, the Middle East and Africa, with clients ranging from Liberia's Charles Taylor and Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi to the Taliban government that once ran Afghanistan. He was an inspiration for an arms dealer character played by Nicolas Cage in the 2005 film "Lord of War."

Say what you want about his ethics or business model but this man has two great things going for him.  One, the Merchant of Death nickname.  Probably the best nickname in history since Vlad the Impaler.  People probably just running for cover any time he visits their village and showering him with whatever gifts their impoverished lifestyles can provide at his demand.  Daughters and wives wanting to be with him, husbands and fathers wishing they could be him. Probably the most bad ass dude on the planet.  

Secondly, a hall of fame worthy mustache.  Just says "cross me, and bombs will rain down on your village for a week."  Nothing more, nothing less. A good mustache should fit a mans demeanor and personality, and this one nails it.  Actually that's probably why Hitler's 'stache is looked upon so poorly. Has to the the least fitting facial hair in history.  Evil genius, attempting to kill off an entire religion while taking over a continent, paired with a previously love-able comic mustache made popular by Charlie Chaplin.  Odd choice, probably one of the factors in his ultimate failure.

By the way if he is convicted is his nickname up for grabs?  Will warlords everywhere be competing for this title or is he allowed to take it to the can with him?  I hope he doesn't have to give it up.  I'm not sure the world can handle a bunch of lunatic arms dealers showing off and creating chaos all to earn the vacated title (though I'd totally throw my hat in the ring).  

Recently Watched A Tyler Perry Movie

So I'd never bothered to watch any of this Tyler Perry junk prior to this past week (the picture above had a lot to do with it.  All the shows just look loud and corny).  In fact I've never known anyone that has watched any of his movies or tv shows, so I think I may be the first.  Anyway, I didn't intend to watch the movie, it was one of those dvr crap-shoot situations where you exit a show/movie you had recorded and you're at the mercy of whatever is showing on the channel you were previously watching.  9 times out of 10 you crap out.  But this was that 10th time, and    it    was     Awesome.  

The movie wasn't one of the corny Meet the Brown sequels, it was one of the darker dramas (no pun intended, seriously), Diary of Angry Black People or Why Did I Marry My Baby Momma II or some shit.  Well let me tell you, Tyler Perry brings it hard in those movies.  I happened to tune in right in the middle of some kind of Holiday dinner scene with a bunch of couples and they just let loose and dropped bombs on each other for the entire scene like;  "Why don't you tell your wife about your mistress", "Well why don't you tell him who the daddy really is", "Why doesn't he tell you that he got tested for VD", "How about you blaming your wife for the death of your son."

Seriously, none of those are made up or exagerrations.  Just film history being made left and right at that dinner table.  I was riveted for the next 15-20 minutes.  Sat right in front of the tv like a little kid, right up until all the drama wore down and the couples started making up.  The movie lost me there, felt too unrealistic, no one is making up with their spouse after having an A-Bomb dropped right in the middle of their turkey dinner.  I also noticed that all the characters continued to wear Cosby sweaters after the holiday dinner, and they all drove around in black Ranger Rovers, Escalades, and Denali's, just didn't ring true.  

Bottom line is I still wouldn't recommend these movies to anyone, they're still really corny,  and I feel a bit embarrassed for even admitting I watched 20 minutes of one.  But I will say next time you happen to land on one of these movies give it 10-15 minutes.  You won't be let down. 

El Diablo Attacks Trinidad and Tobago

Fox News - Panic broke out at Trinidad and Tobago high school after students fell mysteriously ill, began rolling on the ground and blabbering in a strange tongue, triggering fears of a demon attack, the Guardian Trinidad and Tobago reported. Seventeen female students at Moruga Composite School began the strange behavior after suffering from nausea and headaches. Two of the students reportedly tried to throw themselves off a railing and had to be physically restrained. Teachers took the students into the multi-purpose hall where some of them fell into a semi-conscious state. One student, Kern Mollinea, told the paper that the girls were unusually strong, and many of them had bruises. Mollineau also claimed he communicated with the “Devil” who had possessed the girl. “I asked the Devil what he wanted with the girls and the voice said he wanted a life. He kept saying to send the girls in the toilet and to leave them alone.” Roman Catholic priests and pastors from nearby churches visited the school to shower the children with holy water and prayers. Authorities said that there was nothing in the environment to trigger fainting spells, nausea and headaches among the students. A teacher told authorities the school was constructed on a burial site, but neighbors who live around the school denied such claims.

Frigen Trinidadians and Tobogans.  When will these third world countries learn? I know they don't have the benefit of Hollywood cinema like we do here in the civilized world but shouldn't they have learned not to build on ancient burial grounds by now?  Like no shit your female students were attacked by the devil.  Everyone knows El Diablo needs virgin blood every now and again.  You were just asking for trouble building a school there. Smarten up.  

I will call bull shit on the whole "send them to the toilet" thing. That seems out of place. More likely the girls just had to go to the bathroom and didn't want some creep-o professor watching them pee. Even the devil has the decency to afflict people after they've taken care of their business. 

PS: I've always wanted to see someone break down and speak in tongues.  Are these real languages? Or do we just use this term now when people start babbling incoherently or slurring their words.  I saw a guy have a seizure once (true story) and you could definitely say he was making babbling noises, but I'm pretty sure he wasn't speaking in tongues.  More like he was choking on his tongue and that was the sound it was making. 

Nature Vs Nurture

Damn it, that didn't clear up much of anything in the old nature vs. nurture debate.  

On the one hand you've got a young African American boy, clearly influenced by his white surroundings in taking up skate boarding (point, Nurture).  On the other hand he just stepped right in and dominated the sport (skaters probably shaking in their boots right now the same way white baseball players did when they saw Jackie Robinson), and clearly displayed the showmanship qualities we've come to know and love from the majority of today's Afro-American athletes (point, Nature).  

Guess this one will have to be solved another day.