This was one of my favorite blogs to write, I'm bringing it back again this week. Basically I just keep track of things I'd usually gripe about to my friends and co-workers, spare them the agony, and share it with all of you.
Stories about 4 Loko - Got it, they're "dangerous." Except they're not. I think its pretty clear at this point that college kids of today just can't hang with the college kids of my years. Caffeinated alcohol has been around forever, these aren't anything new. I used to pregame with a can of Sparks and a 40 oz of malt liquor, never saw me dying or crying that I needed to go to the hospital. Maybe we were just more hardcore, or maybe this next generation is made up of a bunch of sissy's. Either way they've ruined it for the rest of us and future generations to come as Massachusetts is now banning all caffeinated alcoholic beverages (which won't stop me from enjoying a few VRB's this weekend (Vodka Redbulls, catchy right? Don't know how that isn't the accepted abbreviation yet).
The Morning News - I'm watching it now. It's 97.8% weather and traffic. The other 2.2 is plugs for local businesses/musicians and some kind of public advisory piece (usually exercise or health food related). I'm sure something had to have happened over night, its when all the criminals come out. This is your chance to be fresh and keep me interested. By the time I get home tonight at 7pm I'm going to have read all of the happenings from the previous day on the internet. No need to watch your night time telecasts, they're not relevant. If anything you should be doing puff pieces at night to help me forget about my day. Leave the hardcore stories of murder, robbery and foreclosures in the morning when I'm still fresh and optimistic.
Stories about Airport Scanners - Quit your bitching everyone. Travelers and TSA agents just STFU and go about your day. Travelers- You don't want to be scanned, enjoy being groped, because you know what? I'd rather see you get molested than my ass blown up midair, but I'm funny that way. TSA agents, stop poking the public with a stick, just take the complaints and go about your day. Every time you put out a press release you get the public more upset. Oh, and cut the shit about the images not being saved, its obviously not true, they're showing up online. Just be honest. I really don't care if people see a clear, silhouetted image of my body. Go for it, feel free. There's plenty of porn out there on the internet that I can assume skeevy pervs would rather be looking at.
Three Vending Machine Related Gripes
- Vending Machine Doesn't Drop- I'd say this happens to me at work 2 out of every 10 times leading to a rage on par with any driving experience. Shake, kick, grab the office anorexic and see if their arm can reach high enough to grab my peanut m&m's, I've tried it all. None of it works. This is like the frigen bear trap of vending machines. And obviously the maintence and cafe people don't maintain the vending machine, its an outside supplier. Great, so my only option is feeding the machine more money and buying two items, because there's no way in hell I'm letting some other schmuck get a 2 for 1 deal. Ruins my day every time.
- Selecting the Wrong Item from The Vending Machine - Rare but when it happens you just have to slump your shoulders and mope back to your cube (or waiting room I guess, depending on where you are). About twice a year I select a MilkyWay by mistake when going for a Snickers. How about stop putting these two next to each other, they look too similar, a quick look without a double take and its easy to confuse them...until you bite into them. MilkyWay's are like the welfare version of Snickers. Were Peanuts just too costly? Unless there's a food allergy reason I can't believe anyone ever willingly buys a MilkWay. In fact I'd venture to say that 75-80% of their global sales are due to Snickers confusion (By the way to take the welfare analogy one step further, the 3 Musketeers bar is the homeless person of the candy bar community, just awful, and I feel like giving people my spare change whenever I see them somberly eating one of these minimalist treats).
- When Vending Machine Prices Get Jacked Up - In the past two years the average candy in my office has gone from $.60 to one dollar with chips going for $1.10. Look, I was upset when prices jumped up to a dollar for a non-king size candy bar, it just seemed odd that the vending industry is facing 45% inflation rates. But $1.10 for chips and crackers? What the fuck? Who brings an extra dime to the break room. Don't we all just grab a dollar and make our way over? Now I have to decide between whether to walk back, grab a dime and then have everyone see me go back to the machine and think I'm getting two things, Or, hang around and try and mooch a dime off someone I go out of my way to avoid and ignore every other day of the week. This pisses me off to no end.
