Quick Guide to Elevator Courtesy

Significantly less awkward than an elevator ride in my office.

Serious question, when did human beings forget how to act and behave when boarding/riding a goddamn elevator?  Did everyone just decide like 6 months back that we were going to abandon decades old standards and just live in a world of absolute anarcy? Because I sure as shit didn't get the memo.  Nonetheless mofo's at my office have been wreaking havoc on my morning elevator rides. And yea, I will cry about it, I don't feel like walking up the stairs when I'm half awake and just starting another day of punishment. So lets go over a few basic guidelines.

Waiting for the Elevator: 

Back the fuck up from the door.  People will be exiting the elevator, you've seen this happen before, it's nothing new. Just let them exit without doing the matador dance and doing the awkward "apology with out making eye contact" move.  

Entering the Elevator:

You're not going to be late if you hold the door for the guy you see speed walking to the elevator doors, don't be a prick and jam the close door buttons.  There's a special circle in hell for the people who close the doors knowing someone else is coming. I hope you burn for eternity.  Conversely, if you see an elevator is pretty packed, but can maybe fit one more, just take a pass.  Another one will be down in like .25 seconds.  Does packing in dick-to-ass in a steel box seem like a good time? Didn't think so.  Finally, slide in! Everyone knows the order, first person in all the way to the corner in the right, and everyone follows from there.  Don't be the dick who feels the need to stand right in the door way while the rest of us get on.  I will accidentally knee you in the groin if you do this.  

Riding the Elevator:

Hang up the god damned phone.  You know what's going to happen. You're going to warn the person you're about to lose them and then spend the next 10 seconds saying "hello? Leslie? hello? Must have lost you, bye." Just don't do it, wrap it up before hand.  

Additionally, if you're getting off on the second floor, everyone on the elevator has the legal right to punch you in the back of your head while you exit.  If you're that fat and lazy, maybe a set of stairs wouldn't be such a bad thing.  It's like 20 stairs, I think your lardass heart can handle it. 

Exiting the Elevator:

Real simple, first in, last out.  How much of a rush do you have to be to try and jump the order of the elevator exit.  And guys, I know you want to act like a gentleman and let the lady off first, but don't.  Don't awkwardly shuffle out of the way and bump into my personal space just so you can let the girl off first.  You're not going to get laid because you were chivalrous in the elevator, I think she'll understand if you exit first, it's just the natural order of things. 

So that's it, take a good look, get comfortable with the rules, and go out there and start acting like civilized human beings again.