A Eulogy for Blink 182

We're Sad Too Mark, We're Sad Too

Tom, Mark, and Travis are all back.  They had a re-union tour that made them shitloads of money.  A new album is fast approaching retail release.  So why is it that I am proclaiming the death of one of the most definitive (and my personal favorite) punk rock bands of all time?  Well, as much as it hurts me to say it, but they have ceased to be Blink 182.  They might be in name, but just because an entity has a label attached to it does not mean the composition matches the description.  Like Ron Artest changing his name to “Metta World Peace,” everyone still knows he is a fucking lunatic who has a propensity for beating the living hell out of spectators if he comes into contact with a thrown plastic cup.  For me, there is an “old” Blink 182 that was characterized by specific musical styles and behavior, which has sadly perished in lieu of “new” Blink 182 A.K.A Angels and Airwaves featuring Mark Hoppus and Travis Barker.

A bit of a prelude is in order, I suppose.  I probably owe most of my vulgar lexicon to the “Parental Discretion”-type albums produced by Blink 182 produced during my days in elementary school.  What could possibly be cooler for an 8 year old than covertly listening to a catchy, fast paced, completely crass CD about doing outright foolish things?  Not much, I’ll tell you that much.  But as I grew up, Blink 182’s musical style become much more refined from the very raw punk sound of early albums like “Cheshire Cat” to more produced and finished versions. This progression culminated into the holy grail of “Enema of the State,” the band’s breakout album with absolutely sensational singles like Going Away to College and What’s my Age Again, the latter possessing everything that would define what made “old” Blink 182 enjoyable: Simple guitar riffs, a few catchy guitar chords, the drumming mastery of Travis Barker, and irreverent sense of humor while depicting a completely immature guy actively sabotaging a date with a vast array of dick moves.  It had me laughing and constantly listening to the tunes with utter delight

Opinions differ on “favorite album” or their “best song”, but most diehard to moderate Blink 182’s fans would agree these guys were at their best when they were melding simple but rhythmically catching punk rock with hilarious on and off stage stunts.  Like when they were given a budget to record a music video to record their single Rock Show, but instead filmed themselves driving around California making it rain with their funds, successfully pissing off whatever boneheaded music industry exec made that ill-advised investment.  Yet, with the emergence of the self-titled album “Blink 182,” for the first time, I noticed a division within the ranks of die hard Blink followers.  There was a definitive shift toward more experimental pieces within their music and Tom Delonge’s, instead of belting out nausea inducing expletives, was singing with a more artistic purpose, despite his lack of understanding that he can’t sing. (He’s more of a “whine in tune with the music” vocalist, and that’s being generous.  If there was this kind of crowing cleft quickly resembling the Marianas Trench within the fanbase, you can bet it was even more poignant between band members.  This terrible reality was realized when in 2004 the band announced those dreaded words for fans: that they were going on an “indefinite hiatus”

Fast forward past the side projects of +44 and Angels and Airwaves to the current day, where we have, an upcoming album from newly reunited “Blink 182” coming out to store shelves.  I had the fortune of hearing the new single relatively early on off of this album, “Up All Night” as well as attending a concert of theirs back in August.  As a long time fan, the differences both in concert performance and musical composition were evident to me.  They still played a majority of the songs that made them “Old” Blink and had their humorous banter between songs.  But these exchanges were brief, almost forced, and the energy they performed songs with just wasn’t nearly on par with what they did back in the day.  “Up All Night” further demonstrated that, whatever differences Mark and Travis initially had with Tom’s more mature and artistic direction for the band, have been settled to a point.  The simple riffs and chord arrangements have been replaced by synthesizes, reverberating vocals, and a much deeper and emotional theme of songs.  Even though I actually thoroughly enjoy both the new single as well as Angels and Airwaves, there is just too much difference between enjoying a band like I do with the current edition of Blink and loving every single rude lyric and catchy composition that defined the “old” Blink.  Though it is with a heavy heart I resign myself to this fact, but I admit that the Blink that I once knew and loved is truly dead, replaced by the members of Blink without any of the essence or attitude.  Many hardcores were turned off by the self titled album alone, and a lot of my friends disliked Angels and Airwaves, so this may be the point of no return for Blink’s dedication to their new sounds and fanbase that adopts them.  Though saddening, I can still take solace in the fact that I was able to grow up alongside “old” Blink and take in every enjoyable moment that they produced.  R.I.P “Old” Blink, as one of your lyrics aptly states, “You’ll be sorry when I’m gone.”  Truer words have never been spoken.        

Assorted Weird Pregnancy Pictures

I am officially CONCERNED about the human race. I mean these un-born babies stand no chance. No chance at all.  Screw the war on terror, do you see this mom? How about the war on Fetus' (Fetii? Not sure how you pluralize that). Bitch has a legit Rocket launcher in one hand and a full out assault rifle with rocket propelled grenade capabilities in the other. She's more heavily armed than your average Call of Duty character. That baby is being born straight into white people jihad.

But that's not even the end of it, I mean you have to check out the rest of this gallery. It'll make you shutter. Basically a pictorial on the state of Pregnancy pictures, which is all but telling us we're doomed as a species. Just fucked by our own stupidity. We should have stopped these people from breeding long ago but we didn't, and this is just what we are now. A bunch of couples taking  pregnancy announcement pictures while leaning on our trucks favorite tire:

You thought I was kidding, didn't you.

T.O. Pulled Over Driving A....A Volkswagen Beetle?

NFL star Terrell Owens was pulled over and cited in L.A. this week -- for allegedly driving SOLO in the carpool lane -- but in the process ... the unemployed wide receiver also scored an additional two tickets. Law enforcement sources tell TMZ, T.O. was pulled over on Monday -- driving a 2003 VW Beetle -- after police observed him violating the two-or-more-passengers rule in the carpool lane. But according to law enforcement, once Owens was pulled over ... cops also cited him for an expired registration ... and having overly-tinted windows. The carpool violation runs AT LEAST $381 -- but thankfully, the other two citations can be written off ... provided T.O. updates his registration and brings his windows up to code.

Things are just getting real weird with Terrell Owens. I mean he's always been a strange dude, but now I'm really starting to wonder about him. Like mentally, is he ok? A multi-millionaire dude cruising the carpool lane in a tinted out volkswagen beetle? And not the hot new 2011 Beetle you see above, we're talking a 2003 VW Beetle! 2003 people, that's 8 years old! Can we get TO a new car? Some dealership has to be willing to throw him sponsorship, no? I mean Kenny Fucking Powers had more frigen juice than Owens, and that guy had to get Kleg as his driver.

Peyton Manning Had Stem Cell Surgery That's Currently Illegal in the United States?

(NewsCore) - Peyton Manning traveled to Europe and underwent a stem-cell treatment not yet available in America before his Sept. 8 neck surgery in an aggressive effort to get back on the field, FOX Sports' Jay Glazer reported Sunday on "FOX NFL Sunday." "They actually went and took some fat cells, probably out of his belly, and they put it in a culture," Glazer said. "And they try to almost turn back the hands of time with these cells and they inject them in the neck, hoping that these cells regenerate the area, regenerate the nerves."

Are we all collectively ok with this, or has it just not really set in yet because ESPN for some reason hasn't run this story yet? I mean, far be it for me to call him a cheater, but this doesn't sound any different than an athlete doping with HGH to help speed-up a comeback from injury, does it?

"Try to almost turn back the hands of time", "inject", "regenerate the area." Not for nothing but that just blatantly sounds like Peyton Manning is using performance enhancing procedures to help along his recovery. If a guy on the DL can't juice to help "regenerate muscles," and "turn back the hands of time," then I'm not sure why this should be ok. Coupled with the fact that he had to leave the country to do this (similar to traveling down to Tijuana for roids), and what you have here is a full-fledged case of Peyton Manning attempting a new way form of performance enhancement, except no one seems to care.  Fox has had this story for over 24 hours. It's no where on ESPN (actually they now have a little "Fox's Jay Glazer reports" blurb on Manning's player card). 

This makes no sense. Reporters saw a bottle of legal supplements in Mark McGwire's locker over a decade ago and a shit storm erupted (granted he was involved in other stuff, but that little bottle, a supplement that you could have walked into GNC and bought, started it all), and yet there isn't one hint of the media questioning what Peyton got done and how fair it is or isn't. If the guy is never playing again and he's doing this to lead a normal life that's one thing, if he's doing it to rejuvenate his career, well that's something we need to question.

A Brief Rebuttal to Seany Mo's Top 5 Nintendo 64 Games

With all due respect to Seany-Mo, any top 5 list of N64 games that doesn't end with GoldenEye 007 as the clear cut champ is a complete traveshammockery. A traveshammockery. But to rank that wonky-ass Zelda game anywhere near the top 5? That's just an abomination.

I guess it's not his fault, Seany is a few years younger and in all likelihood wasn't exposed to the Legend of Zelda. That was a real game that holds its place in the top 3 all time, any platform. Frankly, I think Ocarina of Time was the downfall of video games as I knew them.  I'm not a hardcore gamer, I just want to pick up the controllers and play, I don't want to have to learn nuances, I don't want to have to have my character walk through a village and stop and talk to fucking elves and sprites for 5 goddamn minutes at a time just to have them tell me a story that I'm paying no attention to whatsoever. I just want to grab as many jewels as possible and buy as many awesome weapons as I can hold. That's it. And this game was the start of all those negative traits.  It literally took a half hour to get anywhere because you had to continuously stop and read these painfully scripted exchanges. All I wanna do is stab that frigen shopkeeper so he'll finally shut up.

But enough about Zelda, I didn't come here to talk about that. I came here to pledge my allegiance to GoldenEye, the most revolutionary video game of all time.  Yea there were first person shooters before, Doom, Duke Nukem, etc...but there was never a multi-player high quality first person that you could equally get lost in for hours by yourself, or mindlessly pick up the controllers and fuck around with  your friends for a half hour and then walk away. This is what video games are all about. 

We were so into GoldenEye, that even when we would shutdown the system for a bit, we created a real life GoldenEye game in my friends basement, using various sporting balls as weapons, we'd just shut the lights out and let the games begin (the street hockey ball was the Golden Gun of our game, one shot dropped you flat).

Coupled with the fact, that to this day, the strategies I developed playing GoldenEye are still the basis for my strategies in modern first person shooter games, there's just no way this doesn't rank number one. Ever since I realized you could just post up in a tower or air vent somewhere and just snipe people all day, that's all I've ever wanted to do in video games since.  I'd drive my friends crazy in Team Slayer on Halo because I was more content to scout out a spot with the sniper rifle or rocket launcher and just hold fort all day, killing like 5 people the whole session, over running ramped in that free for all madness, and I learned that strategy from no less of an authority than Bond himself, so who's going to really tell me I'm wrong?

And finally, right now, I'm bidding on N64's on Ebay. You know what my first purchase is going to be? Bond? No, actually it's going to be MarioKart because the girlfriend loves that and I have to justify this purchase somehow. But then, the next game I bid on, that's going to be GoldenEye, not some lame fantasy land Zelda game.

Mom Initiating Son into the White Trash Brotherhood

my son getting his ear pierced. - Watch MoreFunny Videos

-Mom - "You Look So Handsome."

-CW - Nope, you look like that trailer trash kid who starred in The Client. Right down to the WWF t-shirt.

But way to go Mom, you've just initiated him into the brotherhood.  GED, Teenage father and husband, divorced spouse abuser by 22, AA by 24. I can see it now...Probably why that kid was sobbing like a little wuss, Mom just sealed his fate with that gold stud.

The Pinnacle of Cartridge Based Gaming: All Time Top 5 Nintendo 64 Games

I’ll openly admit, I’m a pretty large dork (and damned proud of it.)  Not in the sense that I do differential equations for fun, but I most certainly have a strong affinity for sci-fi movies and fantasy based novels filled with sword wielding protagonists.  Perhaps most the most defining characteristic of my dork-iness is my still strong dedication to dominating at the realm of video games.  Dating all the way back to my childhood where I was speed running through Sonic: The Hedgehog like a proverbial Usain Bolt to the current generation where my massive Halo kill count is a metaphorical badge of honor on which I build a large portion of my self-esteem, this most certainly is a realm that I have a great deal of experience with.  However, to this day, there has never been a console that I enjoyed more than that of the Nintendo 64.  This 64 bit, cartridge based system with seemingly unwieldy controllers that looked like deformed sting rays with more buttons than a switchboard panel at NASA, boasted some of the finest digital entertainment creations in mankind.  I’m here to give the Top 5 the system had to offer, and since I consider myself an expert in this my field, my opinion should be taken 100 % as fact.

5.) Banjo Kazooie

Though it might be bordering on sacrilege of sorts against Nintendo to leave off Super Mario 64, Banjo Kazooie was the superior platformer.  A goofy, lovable bear paired with a snarky, smart-mouth bird companion on an adventure to knock off an evil witch? Sign me up.  This game gave you awesome abilities (shooting eggs out of Kazooie’s mouth, turning into different animals courtesy of a voo-doo witch doctor) hysterical dialog between various animals and collectible pieces, and an undeniable charm so poignant it could have been transformed into a children’s story book.  The synthesis of everything lovable with a technically great game was all a little kid wanted and more.

4.) Mario Kart 64

            A prominent gaming website had a critic state that “this game is likely to disappoint you within a week,” solidly demonstrating an important fact about game critics: being an arrogant and overly critical ass hat is required for the job, but you must have a complete lack of understanding about what is “fun.”  Nothing was a greater joy than to tear around the worlds of Mario land at breakneck speed with your favorite character on an unstable go kart.  Throw in a simple but effective arsenal of items to slow down your opponents, and you have captured lightning in a bottle, as illustrated by the 9 million units it sold.  Sometimes, simplicity truly yields the greatest results.  Throw in the fact that multi-player with your friends was one of the most enjoyable competitive experiences possible that endures TO THIS DAY.  Hell, undergrads have even invented “Beerio Kart” as another excellent drinking game due to the enjoyment this game has bestowed upon those who played it.   

3.) Super Smash Brothers

The crown jewel of all fighting games proved that you don’t need 47 button long move combo’s or dazzling special effects anytime you barely touch someone to be completely and utterly awesome.  Throw Nintendo’s most prominent characters into themed fighting arenas and beat the shit out each other until you are launched from the arena with the last man standing crowned as the victor.  Add three friends of yours into the mix and you have, even to this day, one of the best multi-player experiences available.  This was a game where thumb dexterity and mastery of your favorite character were the difference between achieving a victorious swell of pride or a broken controller because you just whipped it off the wall because you made one false move in Sudden Death and got smashed (hah, see what I did there?  Laugh at the funny pun….please) into oblivion.  As it also makes for yet another enjoyable drinking game, its spot on this list is more than justified.

2.) Golden Eye

            Little did we know that the archetype for almost EVERY first person shooter created since 1998 would be based on this gem featuring the world’s most debonair/badass spy.  I think that’s a fairly good indicator that a game had significant influence.  Additionally, the game itself was absolutely incredible, as it was hands down the best console based first person shooter when it came out.  Literally, from the moment you were dropped into the Facility with that suspense laced music in the background, grabbed a Klobb off the dead guard you just sniped from the ventilation shaft, and mowed down evil Soviet communist bastards with a maelstrom of bullets, you just knew you were in for an absolute treat of a game.  Throw in multiple game modes, a riveting plot for a shooting game, and chaotic multiplayer, and you have an elite game for Nintendo 64, as well as one of the most influential pieces of gaming software ever seen. 

1.) Ocarina of Time

            (From this point forward, prepare for gushing, excessive hyperbole.  I just can’t help myself).  This isn’t just the best Nintendo 64 game of all time; this is the pinnacle, the apex, of every game ever.  It transformed the land of Hyrule from a top down, two dimensional segment of map chunks in previous renditions to a fully realized, immersive world that you couldn’t help but get drawn into.  You were bestowed an arsenal of weapons, tools, and spells that would give even J.R Tolkien an erection.  Bows, slingshots, hammers, even mouse like mobile bombs for gods sake.  Every person and atmosphere just exuded substance, with a driving storyline that made you truly feel like an epic hero against an all encompassing evil.  The icing on the cake? Just when you think the game is over after finishing the initial three dungeons, YOU TRAVERSE THROUGH TIME AND TURN INTO AN OLDER, COMPLETELY BADASS ELVEN WARRIOR!!  From it’s execution in terms of gameplay and evolution into a three dimensional masterpiece in all aspects, this is as perfect a game as you’ll ever see.

Massachusetts Supermarket Chain to do Away with Self Checkout Lines...Too Many Idiots

See those bananas? No bar code, get the hell out of the express line, now!

SPRINGFIELD -- A Massachusetts-based supermarket chain is doing away with its self-service checkout lanes, saying they haven’t been able to replace the friendly human cashier. Big Y says the self-serve lanes will be phased out by the end of the year, and more standard service lanes added. The chain opened self-serve lanes in 2003 as a way to speed up checkout and save money. But it found checkout times actually lengthened as customers grappled with bar codes, coupons and payment methods. Big Y added that the lanes can’t replace the service provided by a human being.

First of all, I don’t even know what the Big Y is, just wanted to put that out there. But at any rate, why are the self-serve lanes so hard for people to understand? 

Just as a general rule of thumb, if it doesn’t have a barcode, don’t jump in the self serve line, I’m talking to you, health nuts who waste my time searching for the icon for dragon fruits, papaya’s, and sugar cane stocks, and then weighing each item individually. Stop messing around with the express line. 

Please, just leave those lines to efficiency pros like myself. They’re the only things that make food shopping remotely tolerable, and if I have to start shopping without them, well I shutter to think of the potential consequences. I’ll almost certainly be arrested for verbally assaulted the MENSA candidate ringing up my purchase, nevermind these people and their 10 kids picking up every pack of gum and candy bar at the checkout line and asking their mom if they can get one, to which she answers no and then the kid picks up the next one. Control your freaking kid!

Sorry, went off on a tangent. Bottom line, if you’re buying something produce related or are just an idiot who strugges with technology (litmus test, if your phone doesn’t have either a qwerty keyboard or touch screen), then stay out of my express self check out line.

I'm Not Positive, But I Think New Hampshire Police Arrested a Pirate for Kidnapping Yesterday

NORTHFIELD (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Two Danbury men were arrested after allegedly kidnapping and pistol-whipping a 27-year-old man on Tuesday night. According to the New Hampshire Union Leader, 40-year-old George Newman and 28-year-old Eric Morgan kidnapped Sean Vandell, who they say owed one of them $500. The Union Leader reports that Vandell was kidnapped just before 6:30 p.m. as he was leaving an apartment at 35 Summer St. in Northfield.

Now that is what a kidnapper should look like, in fact I'm pretty sure 6 year old CW used to picture exactly this guy when having nightmares about creep-o's under the bed. 

To his credit, he does a fine job coordinating his outfit. Might be the first time in history that it was appropriate for someone to be wearing a skull and cross bones shirt, pairs with the eye patch beautifully.