Breaking News: Tom Brady's Hair Officially Goes Euro, Signs 3 Year Deal with English Premier League

For anyone wondering why the Pats drafted QB Ryan Mallet in the 3rd round, exhibit A. 

I was ok when Brady was content to play up the Bieber look, yea there was something a bit weird about a football star imitating a teenage youtube hit, but at the end of the day I could get by it. 

But this? The Sasha Vujocic look? Hell no. Not on my team. The Krafts need a team grooming code, stat.

Make no mistake, it's only a matter of time before that Eurotrash thing on his head inks a deal with a Euro "futbol" club to keep the Misses happy.  It's either that or he's aiming to be the next Juan Pablo Montoya in the racing circuit.  Belichick must want to throw up everytime he sees this guy that's replaced Tom Brady. 

Either way I feel very relieved knowing that we may have an hair heir apparent in house in the event that Giselle asks Tom to "girl it up" any more than he already has. 

Teacher Vowed Not To Shave Beard Until Osama Caught Finally Free

EAST WENATCHEE, Wash. - A teacher who vowed nearly 10 years ago not to cut his beard until Osama bin Laden was captured or proven dead said he cried Sunday night upon hearing of the terrorist's death. "I spent my first five minutes crying and then I couldn't get it off fast enough," said Gary Weddle, 50, who lives in East Wenatchee but teaches middle school science in Ephrata. Weddle has wanted to cut his beard for years. His wife, Donita, has wanted him to cut it, too. But for Weddle a vow is a vow and so he hadn't even trimmed it until Sunday night. At the start of each school year, Weddle told his students the beard was a reminder of the attack. He frequently said he didn't understand how anyone could use the name of his God to justify murder.  He cut the beard and was shaving the stubble even before President Obama addressed the nation about bin Laden's demise. Friends and neighbors celebrated with him, watching him cut his beard. He got a little bloodied, having become somewhat inexperienced in shaving. He expressed amazement at feel of his face. Weddle was 41 when he made his vow. The Weddle's daughter was 13 and their twin daughters were 12. Now they're 23 and 22. "I wanted him to get rid of it, but it was his vow," Donita said. "I respected his passion and keeping a vow. I was willing to look past the beard because I love him." "He looks 10 years younger," she said. "It's a very happy moment for us. It's a very happy moment for the whole nation."


Most relieved? His wife. Lady probably didn’t leave the house with him for years, dude, you look like one of them. 

I’m not claiming to be the most patriotic person on earth here, so I applaud you for doing something, but why this?  Immitation is the greatest form of flattery, you want to remind people wear an arm patch or become a weekend warrior.  Don’t alter your appearance to win your local terrorist look alike contests, that shit makes no sense.  I mean what school district kept this guy employed sporting his jihad beard?


PS: It totally would have been hilarious if his wife or daughters walked in on him at home fully shaven and thought he was an intruder or rapist.  I mean how can you recognize the guy before and after?

Al Qaeda's Bloggers and Message Board Trolls are Pissed...Wait, Terrorists Have Blogs?

ABC - A top al-Qaida ideologue vowed revenge Monday for the killing of Osama bin Laden by U.S. forces, in the first jihadist admission of the militant leader's death...The prominent commentator, going by the online name "Assad al-Jihad2," posted on extremist websites a long eulogy for bin Laden and said the Islamic holy war against the West was far from over. "Woe to his enemies. By God, we will avenge the killing of the Sheik of Islam," he wrote. "Those who wish that jihad has ended or weakened, I tell them: Let us wait a little bit." Militant websites with links to al-Qaida regularly post long interviews with al-Jihad2 on the protocols of waging holy war. He is also often used to resolve questions of doctrine... Hussein bin Mahmoud, a prominent and respected writer for the militant web forums wrote a long article Monday, entitled "Osama is not dead ... he is alive with his message." He said Americans would be allowed to celebrate a few days and then "we will resume the Islamic war ... wait for the worst to come for you and the agents in Pakistan, Afghanistan and Europe." Any revenge attacks should be well planned because "individual and random operations lead to negative results," he cautioned.

So hold on, these guys have blogs too?  Are they more popular than mine? What about WESPN? Shouldn’t they be easier to track down if they’re just spending all day blogging and posting shit to their message boards? Probably just living in their mothers basements, no? Trolling for message board infidels, waging holy wars in AOL chat rooms. 

Who do they advertise with?  I mean I imagine they are indeed farily popular, lot of nut jobs out there, so someone's got to be supporting them, bandwith overages are a bitch. But what company is lining up to handle this? Groupon? Daily AK 47 or RPG sales in terrorist neighborhoods? Zip cars? Never know when you'll need a compact set of wheels to navigate the narrow mountain roads of Afghanistan.

These are questions I need answers to.

Unkind Reviews on Google for Osama's Compound, Might Not be the Luxury Compound it's Played up to Be

Reviews for Osama's compound are in, apparently you’ll want to check for a motel 6 or howard Johnson if you’re in the area.  Apparently a million dollar compound in the middle of a semi- third world country doesn't get you all that you thought it would.  I mean drafty?  Come guys, how about installing some Energy Star efficient windows. 

As my friend the Maestro commented yesterday, if this is what passes for a million dollar property in Pakistan then I'll just assume Abbottabad's real estate market rivals that of the OC or Beacon Hill. 

ABC Has Video Of Osama's "Mansion"

Huffington Post - It was hardly the spartan cave in the mountains where many had envisioned Bin Laden to be hiding. Rather, it was a mansion on the outskirts of the town's center, set on an imposing hilltop and ringed by 12-foot-high concrete walls topped with barbed wire. The property was valued at $1 million, but it had neither a telephone nor an Internet connection. Its residents were so concerned about security that they burned their trash rather putting it on the street for collection like their neighbors.


Sorry couldn't upload the video, click the link to view.

Place is kind of a shithole.  I mean it's a million dollar home, you'd think they could afford some third world help, no?  I mean with all the money they're saving not having internet or phone lines you'd think a maid or two would be well within their budget.  Or at least get on one of your slave wives to keep that shit tidy, other than playing human shields what else are they good for?  Some how I just expected more, like would a tapestry or two kill you?

News Reporter Epic Fail: Obama Is Dead!?

How quickly do you think that proud black woman smacked him soon as the cameras were off him? .23 seconds?  

Dude, you just saw him speaking on TV, he cannot possibly be dead.  I know his name sounds similar but I figured we got over that back in 2008.  Like this is one of the biggest news announcements in the history of news announcements, maybe you want to get it right?  

Several Hollywood Bin Laden Movies In the Works, Here's My Two Proposals

Michael Bay adaptation of the Hunt for Osama?

(NewsCore) - As Americans reacted Sunday to the news of Osama bin Laden's death in Pakistan, Hollywood producers and screenwriters were likely scrambling to make adjustments to previously greenlighted films chronicling missions to kill the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks to reflect the breaking news, FOXNews.com reported Monday. Oscar-winning director Kathryn Bigelow had already been preparing for a film with the working title "Kill bin Laden," Deadline reported. Bigelow and her partner Mark Boal reportedly planned the project as a follow-up to the critically-acclaimed Best Picture Academy Award-winning "Hurt Locker." The film, as planned, was to focus on an earlier unsuccessful mission to kill bin Laden as he hid between the border of Pakistan and Afghanistan, Deadline reported. But in light of President Barack Obama's Sunday night message to Americans announcing the death of the al Qaeda leader, the storyline will likely be changed to reflect the news.

I'm somewhat saddened by the fact that this is going to be a mainstream, Hollywood film.  Don't get me wrong, I want to see that, I need someone to condense all this information that has came out in the last 36 hours into a nice  2 hour summary since there is no possible way to read all of it.  But what I was really hoping for was a typical, "rushed before we have all the facts, but we don't care anyway," Lifetime Original.  

Now I know you're saying, CW, but this story doesn't deal with a woman being battered.  Well that's where Lifetime's creative storytelling kicks in and they tell this from the angle of Osama's wives' points of view, all the way up until one of them was used as a human shield in his last moments, to her surviving and ID'ing Osama's corpse and aiding soldiers from the one country she had been taught to hate.   Boom, there's your Lifetime angle.   Lifetime, you've been killing it lately, the Amanda Knox story, Craigslist Killer, and now the coming Natalie Holloway movie.  This needs to happen, and it needs to happen fast. 

PS: I'd also settle for a very special episode of Burn Notice on USA, directed by Michael Bay in which cast of the Burn Notice is the field team that hunted down and killed Osama, with all the usual Michael Bay pyrotechnics along the way, and maybe a Transformer or two for good measure.

Double PS: You're in for all Osama, all day today. Why? Because when I went to browse for stories yesterday, that's all I found.  The internet effectively shut down for a day to cover this story. Wouldn't be surprised in the least if porn had reported on the news in their own special way yesterday, that's how all consuming this thing has been on the internet.

I Wish America Had Awesome Animal Sports

Daily Mail - Chained to a post in an open field, this wild wolf can never have felt more vulnerable.He is used to being the hunter, never the prey.But now ajavascript:void(0)ll he can do is wait until the eagle swoops back in for the kill, its razor-sharp talons glistening in the sun. The helpless animal leaps from side to side, snapping at the giant bird in a vain bid to scare it off. But this eagle is a well-honed killing machine, trained to slay its prey by the nomadic eagle hunters of Kyrgyzstan.The two-day festival draws the regions best hunting dogs, eagle and falcon hunters from all over the nation.The program of the festival includes falconry, hunting with eagles, archery, and ambler races.But this is the final event of the festival and draws the biggest crowds.It is a gruesome battle to the death that almost invariably ends in the eagle's favour.Wolves are considered a manace in rural Kyrgyzstan, responsible for killing horses, sheep and cows.

This is one thing backasswards countries have on us, awesome animal sports.  I'm not talking about curel dog fighting where people throw their kid's household pets into a ring to fight for its life.  I'm talking about match ups pitting wild beasts against each other like above.  I'd pay upwards of $50 to be a spectator at this fight.  And before any animal activists get on me, remember, wolves are mangy and considered menaces, attacking horses, sheeps, cows, and the 3 little pigs.  Not to mention all the houses that they huffed and puffed over.

Thanks to overly sensitive liberals in America we can't even host simple Gold Fish races without getting shut down. Apparently the races present a hostile work environment for the fish.  Because sitting all day in a 1x1 bowl looking at distorted images of giants staring you back in the face and flicking your tank isn't horrifying on it's own right?  If anything I'd argue those races give the fish a sense of purpose, something to live for in life, a break from their mundane, and frankly depressing lives.  

Of course we may all be reading a bit too much into how much these tiny fish and their virtuall non-existant brains can process.

California Prison Job a Better Choice Than Harvard Degree?

Tough decision, Harvard, or California Prison Guard?

Fox News - Roughly 2,000 students have to decide by Sunday whether to accept a spot at Harvard. Here's some advice: Forget Harvard. If you want to earn big bucks and retire young, you're better off becoming a California prison guard. The job might not sound glamorous, but a brochure from the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations boasts that it "has been called 'the greatest entry-level job in California' -- and for good reason. Our officers earn a great salary, and a retirement package you just can't find in private industry. We even pay you to attend our academy." That's right -- instead of paying more than $200,000 to attend Harvard, you could earn $3,050 a month at cadet academy. Training only takes four months, and upon graduating you can look forward to a job with great health, dental and vision benefits and a starting base salary between $45,288 and $65,364. By comparison, Harvard grads can expect to earn $49,897 fresh out of college and $124,759 after 20 years. As a California prison guard, you can make six figures in overtime and bonuses alone. While Harvard-educated lawyers and consultants often have to work long hours with little recompense besides Chinese take-out, prison guards receive time-and-a-half whenever they work more than 40 hours a week. One sergeant with a base salary of $81,683 collected $114,334 in overtime and $8,648 in bonuses last year, and he's not even the highest paid.Sure, Harvard grads working in the private sector get bonuses, too, but only if they're good at what they do. Prison guards receive a $1,560 "fitness" bonus just for getting an annual check-up. Most Harvard grads only get three weeks of vacation each year, even after working for 20 years -- and they're often too busy to take a long trip. Prison guards, on the other hand, get seven weeks of vacation, five of them paid. If they're too busy racking up overtime to use their vacation days, they can cash the days in when they retire. There's no cap on how many vacation days they can cash in! Eighty officers last year cashed in over $100,000 at retirement. The cherry on top is the defined-benefit pension. Unlike most Harvard grads working in the private sector, prison guards don't have to delay retirement if their 401(k)s take a hit. Prison guards can retire at the age of 55 and earn 85% of their final year's salary for the rest of their lives. They also continue to receive medical benefits.

Goddamnit. I  knew college was just a scam.  Here I am trying to put that piece of paper my school gave me to work, climbing my way up the coroprate ladder, hoping for that big pay day (though really I'm still stuck on like rung 3, or maybe rung 3.5 if you're feeling optomistic), and then there are these high school drop out prison guards rolling in 6 figures and all they had to do was put in a little OT mocking prisoners and laying down the law when they get rowdy....

Oh yea, and avoiding shankings, prison riots, and having piss/feces thrown at you from their cells in a drastically overcrowded prison system. Yea I think I'll keep my cube job.  Funny thing about me, I go out of my way not go get shivved by rusty homemade blades.  Just not something I'm interested in.