Is This Very Ke$ha Christmas Video Real?

I guess not, the video is by College Humor so it's obviously a parody, but the fact that I had to stop and think about it for a second while I was watching it is all that really needs to be said about Kesha (yea I'm dropping the $ sign from her name from here forward, you're a blonde white girl, get over it).  Anytime a low budget parody of one of your songs can easily be confused for your actual song you've got to seriously question your artistic integrity.  

This got me thinking about all the weirdo-girl artists there are out there now.  Its like the bizarro late 90's where you had normal teen tart pop stars Britney, Christina, Mandy Moore, and probably a couple others that I've forgoten by now.  They've been replaced by a slew of weirdo "artists" Gaga, Kesha, Rihanna, Katy and even to a lesser extent Fergie  Just a really bizarre pop music scene right now full of horrendous outfits.  I may be swinging into Grumpy Old Man mode but I miss the days when pop stars were famous for their risque lyrics and their innocent looks that caught the attention of teens and pedophiles alike.  Now it seems like all you have to do is see how many odd ball props you can attach to a leotard and wait around for someone to notice.

Does this mean I don't secretly blast her songs when I'm by myself driving some where? No, I still do that, you know you do too. 

Neil Patrick Harris and Assange Twins?

 


Am I really still the only one that sees this?  First time I saw this Assange guy I just shook my head and said figures.  Guy probably learned everything he knows about computer hackery from watching NPH on Doogie Howser.  You thought Doogie's medical skills were unbelieveable for a 16 year old? The kid was writing blogs at the end of every show back in 1989!  A true visionary, decades before his time.  He might as well have invented the internet for all intents and purposes.

"Who You Finna Try" Lady Got Off Easy

I'm not one to condone hitting a woman, but this bitch had a lot more coming than a simple antiquing.  Its people like this that really illustrate the need for some sort of exemption rule for domestic violence laws.  If I were on the jury I'd have found this guy innocent of anything short of something involving him burying her in his backyard.

Should be some kinda statute for size restrictions too, for that matter.  That woman looked like she had an easy 100 lbs on me.  That's gotta be on next years ballot.  If an annoying as fuck woman outweighs you by 50+ pounds you have every right to treat her like you would any other obnoxious man.

Ode To Slacking; A celebration of Laziness

Given the nature of this blog I'm completely shocked I haven't given you, the readers, a run down of all the different types of procrastination I've come across over the years.  Sure I've tossed out a few here and there, but I'd be remiss if I didn't compile the greatest list of slacking activities of all time.  And what better day to do it than on the celebration of our 3 month anniversary and 200th blog post. Note this is a working list and in no way complete, I'm constantly in search of the next great time killer to share with everyone.

In order to provide some form of structure here we're going to break the slacking options into two categories, Internet Related and Non-Internet Related.  Lets Start with non:

-          TV – The number one means of procrastination of all time. Whether at home, the dorm, or the office there is sure to be a TV around when you need a distraction. 

-          Trips to the Bathroom – The old trip to the bathroom excuse, discovered as middle schoolers, perfected in high school, this ones an oldie but goody that I still employ today

-          Chatting – Everyone knows that one person at the office or school who always has a story to tell or gossip to spread.  They’re good to kill a solid 10-15 minutes. Beyond that you’ll probably want to kill them.

-          Walking Around – Tends to get obvious if you do it all the time, boring too.  But when you’re out of options a good aimless stroll around the building is always better than buckling down and doing work

-          Long lunch – the classic maneuver to steal time from your employer.  An extra 10 minutes today, another 5 tomorrow.  It all adds up to time you didn’t spend dying inside.

-          Trips to the Bathroom – Yes I repeated it, see my point?

-          Snack/TV time – The potent food and TV combo, go ahead and schedule a 30 minute block of down time if you stumble into this category.  I’m not working until PTI is over.

-          Moving Your Car to a Better Parking Space – This is solely for those of us at large offices.  Once mid afternoon passes it’s a good opportunity to waste some time and improve your parking spot by taking a stroll to your car and snatching someone’s spot that was lucky enough to be done for the day at 4 pm.

-          Office Games – Everyone loves a good game of hallway bowling or paper football.

-          And Finally, Napping – A bit more difficult in the office than say, in college.  But my absolute favorite if it’s available.  Nothing is more unproductive than a nap, and ultimately, that’s my only goal when procrastinating. 

The internet. I know many of you were probably puzzled when I named TV the greatest means of procrastination of all time. Well technically, that’s a technicality.  I just didn’t think it would be fair to compare the internet as a singular means of procrastination.  That’s like comparing a fire cracker to the atom bomb, it just doesn’t measure up.  Think about it, if your work involves a computer in any way, that icon on your desktop is just daring you not to click it and open a whole new world of procrastination.  It’s not even fair, I lose that dare every time.  Instead I’ve elected to break out the different diversions the internet provides to help us all get through our day.

           

-          -Facebook – The king of internet time killers. Most offices block this; luckily most employees have smart phones and can access it anyway.  Want to ignore that spreadsheet for a while? Why not check out some updates and find out what Tina’s having for lunch, or what slightly feminine quote of the day Johnny has elected to share with all of us.

-          Twitter – Fast gaining on Facebook, though at only 140 characters per message the time killed can be a bit short for my liking.  Plus you have to deal with all the shortened hyperlinks, you never really know what you’re getting yourself into with those.

-          Video Games – everyone enjoys a good classic arcade style game once in a while, or a Ping-Pong match against Forrest Gump.  No matter what your style you’re bound to be able to find a free game that suits you.

-          Blogging – Just as long as you don’t take away from the miniscule attention I already receive.

-          Gambling Research – take a miserable beating against the spread last weekend?  Maybe if you spent more time researching the games and less time working that wouldn’t have happened.  Also, if your office has a Bloomberg terminal you have perhaps a gamblers best friend at your finger tips.

-          News and Sports Browsing – No explanation needed.

-          EBay and Amazon – If you’re a compulsive buyer like I can be on occasion then why not spend your time bidding and tracking items you’re sure to regret two weeks later when the newness wears off?

-          Email – Kind of the internet right?  Throw out a group email to a handful of friends and spend the rest of your day replying to all and busily deleting the steady stream of banter related emails flooding your inbox.  My personal favorite of the bunch.

That’s all, I’ve got for now in my playbook.  If you think of something I missed or come across something new feel free to drop it in the comments section or e-mail us at TheAltTab@gmail.com .  Reader submitted topics and guest blogs are welcomed.  How much of a slacker could I really be if I didn’t lobby for someone to do my job for me once in a while?

Alt-Tabs of the Week

Chinaman Evicted from Giant Egg - A man in Beijing thought he had found his dream home when he moved into an egg-shaped hut, but unfortunately it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. After graduating from college and landing a job with an architectural design firm, 24-year-old Dai Haifei was having a hard time shelling out enough money each month to pay his rent. So he did what anyone would do when trying to cut costs -- he constructed an egg-shaped abode in the courtyard just outside his office


Spare me the sales pitch bro, you're homeless.  Yea you're living in a slightly nicer box but all that means is  you're more likely to be robbed  by your vagabond brethren. 


Tiger's Ex Moves On - Elin Nordegren, ex-wife of golf superstar Tiger Woods, is allegedly getting close to a handsome student at her Florida college, The Sun reported late Monday.


Bad news for the rest of the golf world, this is the official signal that its ok for Tiger to get back to nailing slutty porn queens and high priced hookers I mean personal assistants.  I'm expecting nothing short of a grand slam for Tiger this season.


$11 Million Christmas Tree Revealed in...The Middle East? - ABU DHABI, United Arab Emirates – When they deck the halls in opulent Abu Dhabi, it comes with gold ornaments and gem-studded bows on a towering Christmas tree.  The $11 million symbol of the season has become the latest extravagance at the Emirates Palace hotel, which boasts its own marina, heliport and a vending machine that pops out small gold bars.


Well the terrorists have officially won.  Gaudy holiday celebrations and gigantic wastes of money used to be America's thing.  We're supposed to be the spoiled brat, the Dennis the Menace of the world.  How the hell can we let the Arabs beat us at our own game? Sad day in America.


American Man Gets Jail Time For Blasphemy - An Indonesian court has sentenced an American businessman to five months in jail for marching into a mosque during Islamic prayers and ripping cables from the loud speakers.


Jesus Christ, you can get jail time for that? Shit I blasphemed twice in one sentence in one of todays blogs.  Remind me to take Jakarta off my list of countries to visit.


More Countries Using Child Labor - Forced child labor is still a major problem plaguing the world’s markets. The U.S. Department of Labor just announced it has added six new products from a dozen new countries, 11 in Africa, to the list of countries that use child labor or forced child labor to produce goods for markets around the globe.


Hey thanks Department of Labor, but you didn't have to go globe trotting to find this information, could have ordered take out from your nearest Asian food establishment and snooped around in the kitchen.  Saw a 6 year old stuffing my crab rangoon last week.


Horse Injured in Highway Collision - A bumpy Interstate 495 bridge over the Merrimack River has claimed another animal trailer, and possibly an animal as well.  This morning about 9:15 a horse trailer crossed the bridge heading northbound near Exit 49/River Street. Because of bumps and poorly repaired bridge joints, the road surface has become uneven, creating hazardous conditions for trucks hauling trailers.

Headline drew you in didn't it? I hate misleading headlines.  I thought for sure this was going to be a story about some jackal who took his horse out for the morning commute down 495.  Irresponsible journalism at its worst.

Why Do We Insist On Adding "gate" to the Jets "Tripgate" Situation?

Ok I lied, I found a topic to rant on and couldn't resist. I've been waiting all week to see a story that added the -gate to the Jets sideline tripping controversy and I found it this morning:

FLORHAM PARK, N.J. -- Tripgate isn't over for the New York Jets, who could be subject to sanctions by the NFL for using inactive players in an illegal wall and publicly accusing the New England Patriots of the same tactic.

Can all media outlets please come to a resolution to stop adding the -gate suffix to anything remotely involving a scandal or controversy.  Its one of my biggets pet-peeves. 


Reporters and journalists are smart enough to understand that the word gate is in no way synonymous with scandal right? That it was only called Watergate because that was the name of the hotel complex where the events took place, they know this right?.  Its getting pretty frigen ridiculous how often -gate is attached to news stories.  I'm begging for a moratorium on this, begging. 


Each time I see -gate at the end of a word my blood pressure gets raised just a little bit, so if only for this  bloggers health this needs to stop.  You're professional writers for Christsakes, come up with something original instead of piggy backing on the same goddamned phrase thats been used for almost 40 years now, its so aggravating. 

Hungover like a M-F'er

Well I'm blatantly breaking Rule number 4 again, the annual post-Holiday Party tradition continues. Definitely not bringing my A game today (I'd be lucky to be graded out at a D right now).  I'm just going to rest here with my head on my hand and stare blankly to see if I can snap out of it.

You may get an Alt-Tabs Friday edidion, you may not.  It all depends on how much time I spend in the corporate bathroom later today.  I'd say its a 50/50 chance, though judging by how difficult of a time I'm having putting together coherent sentences right now those odds may shift.



Indoor Soccer Wrap Up - VICTORY!

B8 played its most consistent game yet and the results were reflective.  Facing one of the top ranked teams in the league B8 over came early deficits to dominate the second half and take home the 8-6 victory.  Scoring was once again led by Pascal and Ross (Hey Ross if you ever follow through on that promise to buy the team beer after a victory maybe we'll throw you in the air like the coach above) who continue to be neck and neck for the team scoring title.  A great game in return for The Huz, and strong performance from Kathryn despite rumors of illness (not quite Jordan in the finals but a very commendable performance all around). Everyone pitched in, an all around team effort (yes I realize its starting to sound like a T-ball speech).

The turning point clearly came during an altercation between Mazz and another player led to double yellow cards and both sides playing a man down for 4 minutes early in the second half.  B8 dominated this time period and the momentum carried the remainder of the half (0 goals against from that point on).  As such team Captain Ross has nominated Mazz for game ball honors.  Depsite my previous ruling that recipients cannot have scored an own goal during the game Ross convinced me this was the major spark for our team, ala Varitek mugging Arod in '04.  I'm still not sure it quite resonated with the team that strongly but none the less its hard to argue with the results from that point on (4-Nil good guys).

UBS' New Dress Code: Corporate Life Gone Too Far

Congrats to UBS for winning this years "Douchiest Corporation To Work For" Award.  Apparently UBS, unhappy with some of their employees interpretation of business casual, went so far as to publish a 43 page document on employee dress attire, with the basic goal of having all employees appear to be clones of one another. I honestly thought I was reading a spoof from somewhere like College Humor when I was going through it.  Wouldn't have believed it was real but I saw it on the morning news this morning, and I take that as fact. A few highlights (full article here):

Female employees are instructed to wear flesh-colored underwear, keep their skirt length to mid-knee, and steer a wide berth around ankle chains and body piercings...Nor are male employees exempt from potential disapproval over their dress: UBS wants them in classic-cut two-button jackets and forbids them to wear the same ties or shoes on consecutive days. They must also resist the temptation to turn back the clock by using hair dye.

Light makeup consisting of a foundation, mascara and discreet lipstick will enhance your personality.”

“Women should not wear shoes that are too tight-fitting as there is nothing worse than a strained smile.”

“A flawless appearance can bring inner peace and a sense of security.”

“The ideal time to apply perfume is directly after you take a hot shower, when your pores are still open.”

For men:

• “Three days of stubble is not permitted and a visit to the barber is recommended once every four weeks.”
• “Wear only ties that match the bone structure of the face and do not wear socks with cartoon motifs.”
• “If you wear a watch, it suggests reliability and that punctuality is a great concern to you.”
• “Underwear is among the most intimate parts of our clothing … your underwear must not be visible through your clothes, or stand out … your figure should not suffer from the way you wear your underwear.”

Some of this stuff you couldn't even make up.  Flesh toned underwear? What was there an outbreak of whale tales in UBS banking branches? Tight fitting shoes and strained smiles? How about saying what you're really thinking...you don't want fatties wearing open toe or strappy shoes.

And for men its just as ridiculous, can't wear the same pair of shoes on consecutive days, well I hope you don't mind me kicking around in a pair of Nikes every Tues and Thursday. And how the fuck does a tie match the bone structure of a face? Aren't there only two types of ties, skinny and wide? Shit, do you have to be a fan of a crappy show like Project Runway to dress appropriately for work now? And again with the underwear. How can ones figure suffer from their boxers/briefs? What kinda crazy shit are the swiss wearing these days that this is a real concern?

I'd quit within 3 days of receiving this email, the only reason I would last that long is I'd strive to break as many of the ridiculous rules as possible before leaving on my own accord.  I'd be flashing my multi-colored boxer labels to every customer and co-worker.  Frost some tips in my hair and wear the same bow tie each day.