Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Office (or a certain Blogger)

The Hottest Gadgets - The office can be a cold, hard, unfeeling, life-sucking place to spend your working days, but then again you don’t have to live in Dilbertsville.  For all the stigma surrounding “the office,” you’re getting unique opportunities to interact with people and your environment in between filing TPS reports.

A lot of awesome ideas, lets run down a few of my favs (in case anyone wondering what a good gift for a full time cube work/part time blogger would be).


The Stealth Switch – Please don’t let this catch on.  TheStealthSwitch.com just doesn’t have the same ring as TheAltTab. 

Portable Sleeping Cube – I’ve been in the market for a comfortable, under desk/cube sleep option for years now.  Best I’ve come up with so far is an accumulation of jackets to act as pillows and blankets.

Carpet Skates – Love it! Finally an office competition that is Olympic worthy. This would really give me motivation to stop by the supply room once in a while when I run out of shit, rather than just stealing it from the cubes around me.

Babble Voice – Easily the most useful item on the list.  Would work wonders on my non stop babbling neighbor.  Music and talk radio just don’t seem to cut it, a tool specifically designed for this purpose is needed in my case, not that she'd get the hint anyway.

Bright Blinds – HA!  Seems like an idea designed in a corporate think tank. “Gee our workers are miserable in the fluorescent lighted cube with no windows in sight  How about we add more fluorescent lights but just hide them behind a window blind?  It’s a fire hazard and it will remind them of real windows so they can realize even more how much their office sucks!”  Pure awesomness (and yes I'd welcome this gift despite my mocking tone).

What Do People Do In Vermont? They Drive.

So CW survived his Vermont adventure pretty easily, not because I'm some natural outdoors man, simply because there isn't anything to do in Vermont, never mind anything dangerous.

As far as I can tell Vermonters spend their days running errands and chopping wood, and frankly, I'm not sure there is time for anything else.  You see, Vermonters have a strange sense of time and distance.  Ask a Vermonter where anything (restaurant, gas station, cheese factory, restaurant/gas station combo, country gift shop, cheese factory, syrup factory, cheese factory, etc...) is located and they'll tell you its right down the road.  Don't be fooled, follow up that question by asking how long it will take.  The answer will vary from 45 mins- 1 hour.  Why? Because Vermonters incorrectly believe that any location that is within state borders is "right down the road."  45 minutes through farm country, driving at terrifying speeds on country roads to these people is my equivalent of walking up the street to Store 24.  

I always used to wonder how people spent their days since there isn't much to do up there, turns out they don't have time for anything but errands.  You just pack a lunch and a snack pack early in the morning, pack up the car and drive all around the state in search of common house hold items and necessities.  You return in the evening, have a dinner and go to sleep to do it all over again.  Miserable.  

It'll be a very long time before this blogger is convinced to cross that border again, I can't stand going to the store when its 5 minutes away, never mind a long weekend that entirely consists of running errands.  

CNN Reporting on Classics Such As Dumb and Dumber

Hysterical, there's not much to add here.

It works on multiple levels, the metaphor could be about how the Republicans and Obama working together on this tax plan is the same as Lloyd fire bombing that unsuspecting porcelain bowl with foul excrement. 

Or it could simply be a very vindictive way for the video editor to give his two weeks notice.  Every one assumes on air stars are jackasses to their staff, its likely that this clip symbolizes how those smug reporters treated the video editing crew for years.  And what do you do when you've been disrespected and under appreciated on the job?  You run a shit smear campaign on national television.

Long Weekend Starts Now

The long weekend for The Alt-Tab staff (myself) starts now.  I know that countlessly refreshing this page is all that gets you through the week sometimes but you'll have to do with out me for today.  

The CW is heading up to the Great Green North (VT), trees, syrup, mountains, moose, bears, simple living, and a presumed lack of electricity.  I know, I know. How will I fit in up there? I won't, they'll all make fun of my "city slicker" ways, I'd usually respond by making fun of their country bumpkin lifestyle but I'll be greatly outnumbered and therefore will just grin and "bear" it.  Safer to wait till I cross the border on the way back home, maybe even just blog about them from a far.

Xbox Prank

"OH HAHAHAHA, What did you think? We can't afford an Xbox, HAHAHAHA"  

Assholes, you just crushed your sons spirit what the hell are you laughing about.  Won't be laughing once that kid calls the Department of Social Services on your ass.  And how about the camera woman telling him to look into the camera and cry, WTF?  You people literally ruined Christmas. Everyone had to vacate the room he was so devastated. 

Worst part is you just know the parents have that Xbox in their room, playing Call of Duty late night together.  How else do you get the box?  Can't just go to the store and ask them to sell you the box.  I'd like to hope they had enough pride not to dumpster dive for a card board box they're planning to use to break their childs innocence, and anyone that just got an Xbox aint giving up the box.  You have to keep that shit for at least a year in case the red lights of death present themselves and it needs to be returned.  The Grinch's got nothing on this family of cold hearted pricks. 

Soccer Fail, Week 5

CW's guest goalie appearance last night went about as well as this guys.

Another week, another dissapointing result for B8, losing by 1 goal in another crushing defeat.  I'll be honest, if I didn't relish antagonizing my readership once a week I'd find it pretty hard to summon the inspiration to continue with these wrap ups. 

B8 was undermanned and as a result underperformed, losing to the previously winless B7 (our natural rivals).  The team put forth a spirited effort, no lack of hustle, but missing our keeper and leading striker was just to much to over come.  Everyone put forth a pretty good effort last night, but team Captain Ross will take home game ball honors in defeat.  A one man wrecking crew leading the way scoring wise. 

The few highlights from the match included cohabitating teammates Kathryn and Ross hooking up (see what I did there) on a nifty set piece, CW scoring a goalie goal on a full field kick, Mazz taking a headbut to the chest that some how resulted in the other guy going down for the count, Mazz mixing it up with the opposing goalie and subsequently his entire team (he's a feisty one), and Dan continually sassing the ref and nearly drawing our first card of the year.  Safe to say we're gaining a rep as one America's edgier Division B Coed-Mixed Adult Indoor Soccer Teams, now if we could only get a win...

Pizza Hut Calls Woman A Bitch, A Spades a Spade

She can cut the shit with the whole playing innocent routine, there is no way she just called up and made a simple complaint.  I've complained to various food chains before and it takes a lot for them to credit you free stuff, being called a bitch is just collateral damage.  And the thing is, the 16 year old working the phone and register probably just wrote that so they made sure the order was correct this time. Its not his fault he was too dumb to realize his message gets printed on the receipt.  Kid doesn't even have his GED yet, give him a break.  

And most people drop it there, maybe call in one more complaint and never order again.  What did she do? She invited the news station over to publicize the whole thing.  You know who would do that? A bitch.  You know who would express fears of taunts and retaliations from Pizza deliverymen and minimum wage cashiers? A bitch.  You know who would dramatically play up this whole event into some kind of anti-motherhood/starving children story (You seriously went there? Did you scavenge for the ingredients yourself? No, you picked up the phone and dialed 10 numbers.  Time to dial back the hyperbole) That's right, a bitch.  Looks like the verdict is in.

PS: The news reporter could hardly contain his excitement huh? Take it easy buddy, not need to let your emotions get out of control. 

Most Feared Weapon on Earth Strikes Again

MSNBC - It looks like the machete is now the tool of choice for employees at Bridgeton, N.J., delis. A man wearing a black ski mask entered Primo’s Deli on North Laurel Street around 7 p.m. on Saturday. The robber allegedly claimed that he was armed with a gun and demanded money, according to police. Andres Garcia was behind the counter and instead of cooperating with the would-be robber he turned the tables. He reached under the register and pulled out a machete, scaring off the robber. No one was injured, and nothing was taken from the store. The suspect is described as a heaThe incident occurred exactly one week after an armed robbery at the Lincoln Deli and Grocery in Bridgeton in which an employee who grabbed a machete from behind the counter chased off three robbers.vy-set 5-foot-8 white male. He was last seen wearing a black coat and blue jeans.

 Whats with these idiots in Jersey lately?  Never bring a gun to a machete fight.  That's a battle you'll lose every time (at least the times where you don't pull the trigger).  I say this with absolutely no personal experience but I'm pretty sure I'd be infinitely more scared of a guy wielding a legit machete over the guy with your standard run of the mill 9mm (not hoping to test this just in case anyone gets an ideas).  

You know the guy with the 9 mm.  He's just your average unoriginal robber/criminal.  Forced unwillingly into the life of crime, probably wants to be in the situation as little as the people he's criminalizing.  Just go about the standard play set, handover what he's asking for and it'll be over with.  Its as normal a routine as going to the bank at this point (and only slighty more of a hassle)

The guy with the machete though? Forget about it.  I'd wet myself at first sight.  This guy is not here to mess around, and he's certainly not come to rob a drawer of cash.  The machete is for one thing and one thing only, settling scores.

Screw silent alarms lets just arm every bank teller and cashier with one of these babies.

First Ever Non-Dork Star Trek Fan

I need this Star Trek Door.  

And just like that, everything I've ever known about Star Trek geeks goes right out the window.  If this is the type of shit they're up to in their spare time they I've drastically underestimated their coolness.  Sure he and his friends probably constructed this while dressed like Klingons or humans in tight fitting mock turtlenecks but the end result is the same, The Greatest Door On Earth.  Besides this guy seems pretty normal, I'm sure he only spends half his time learning non-existent languages and fantasizing about alien sodomy.