Long Weekend Starts Now

The long weekend for The Alt-Tab staff (myself) starts now.  I know that countlessly refreshing this page is all that gets you through the week sometimes but you'll have to do with out me for today.  

The CW is heading up to the Great Green North (VT), trees, syrup, mountains, moose, bears, simple living, and a presumed lack of electricity.  I know, I know. How will I fit in up there? I won't, they'll all make fun of my "city slicker" ways, I'd usually respond by making fun of their country bumpkin lifestyle but I'll be greatly outnumbered and therefore will just grin and "bear" it.  Safer to wait till I cross the border on the way back home, maybe even just blog about them from a far.

Xbox Prank

"OH HAHAHAHA, What did you think? We can't afford an Xbox, HAHAHAHA"  

Assholes, you just crushed your sons spirit what the hell are you laughing about.  Won't be laughing once that kid calls the Department of Social Services on your ass.  And how about the camera woman telling him to look into the camera and cry, WTF?  You people literally ruined Christmas. Everyone had to vacate the room he was so devastated. 

Worst part is you just know the parents have that Xbox in their room, playing Call of Duty late night together.  How else do you get the box?  Can't just go to the store and ask them to sell you the box.  I'd like to hope they had enough pride not to dumpster dive for a card board box they're planning to use to break their childs innocence, and anyone that just got an Xbox aint giving up the box.  You have to keep that shit for at least a year in case the red lights of death present themselves and it needs to be returned.  The Grinch's got nothing on this family of cold hearted pricks. 

Soccer Fail, Week 5

CW's guest goalie appearance last night went about as well as this guys.

Another week, another dissapointing result for B8, losing by 1 goal in another crushing defeat.  I'll be honest, if I didn't relish antagonizing my readership once a week I'd find it pretty hard to summon the inspiration to continue with these wrap ups. 

B8 was undermanned and as a result underperformed, losing to the previously winless B7 (our natural rivals).  The team put forth a spirited effort, no lack of hustle, but missing our keeper and leading striker was just to much to over come.  Everyone put forth a pretty good effort last night, but team Captain Ross will take home game ball honors in defeat.  A one man wrecking crew leading the way scoring wise. 

The few highlights from the match included cohabitating teammates Kathryn and Ross hooking up (see what I did there) on a nifty set piece, CW scoring a goalie goal on a full field kick, Mazz taking a headbut to the chest that some how resulted in the other guy going down for the count, Mazz mixing it up with the opposing goalie and subsequently his entire team (he's a feisty one), and Dan continually sassing the ref and nearly drawing our first card of the year.  Safe to say we're gaining a rep as one America's edgier Division B Coed-Mixed Adult Indoor Soccer Teams, now if we could only get a win...

Pizza Hut Calls Woman A Bitch, A Spades a Spade

She can cut the shit with the whole playing innocent routine, there is no way she just called up and made a simple complaint.  I've complained to various food chains before and it takes a lot for them to credit you free stuff, being called a bitch is just collateral damage.  And the thing is, the 16 year old working the phone and register probably just wrote that so they made sure the order was correct this time. Its not his fault he was too dumb to realize his message gets printed on the receipt.  Kid doesn't even have his GED yet, give him a break.  

And most people drop it there, maybe call in one more complaint and never order again.  What did she do? She invited the news station over to publicize the whole thing.  You know who would do that? A bitch.  You know who would express fears of taunts and retaliations from Pizza deliverymen and minimum wage cashiers? A bitch.  You know who would dramatically play up this whole event into some kind of anti-motherhood/starving children story (You seriously went there? Did you scavenge for the ingredients yourself? No, you picked up the phone and dialed 10 numbers.  Time to dial back the hyperbole) That's right, a bitch.  Looks like the verdict is in.

PS: The news reporter could hardly contain his excitement huh? Take it easy buddy, not need to let your emotions get out of control. 

Most Feared Weapon on Earth Strikes Again

MSNBC - It looks like the machete is now the tool of choice for employees at Bridgeton, N.J., delis. A man wearing a black ski mask entered Primo’s Deli on North Laurel Street around 7 p.m. on Saturday. The robber allegedly claimed that he was armed with a gun and demanded money, according to police. Andres Garcia was behind the counter and instead of cooperating with the would-be robber he turned the tables. He reached under the register and pulled out a machete, scaring off the robber. No one was injured, and nothing was taken from the store. The suspect is described as a heaThe incident occurred exactly one week after an armed robbery at the Lincoln Deli and Grocery in Bridgeton in which an employee who grabbed a machete from behind the counter chased off three robbers.vy-set 5-foot-8 white male. He was last seen wearing a black coat and blue jeans.

 Whats with these idiots in Jersey lately?  Never bring a gun to a machete fight.  That's a battle you'll lose every time (at least the times where you don't pull the trigger).  I say this with absolutely no personal experience but I'm pretty sure I'd be infinitely more scared of a guy wielding a legit machete over the guy with your standard run of the mill 9mm (not hoping to test this just in case anyone gets an ideas).  

You know the guy with the 9 mm.  He's just your average unoriginal robber/criminal.  Forced unwillingly into the life of crime, probably wants to be in the situation as little as the people he's criminalizing.  Just go about the standard play set, handover what he's asking for and it'll be over with.  Its as normal a routine as going to the bank at this point (and only slighty more of a hassle)

The guy with the machete though? Forget about it.  I'd wet myself at first sight.  This guy is not here to mess around, and he's certainly not come to rob a drawer of cash.  The machete is for one thing and one thing only, settling scores.

Screw silent alarms lets just arm every bank teller and cashier with one of these babies.

First Ever Non-Dork Star Trek Fan

I need this Star Trek Door.  

And just like that, everything I've ever known about Star Trek geeks goes right out the window.  If this is the type of shit they're up to in their spare time they I've drastically underestimated their coolness.  Sure he and his friends probably constructed this while dressed like Klingons or humans in tight fitting mock turtlenecks but the end result is the same, The Greatest Door On Earth.  Besides this guy seems pretty normal, I'm sure he only spends half his time learning non-existent languages and fantasizing about alien sodomy. 

Can Someone Translate this Sign?

 

Look, its time for all my random Eastern Asian readers to help me out.  I know you come to my site every day in hopes of hacking it in some way, I'm not so disillusioned to think that you're fans of my writings, but now its time to give me something back.  I won't collect your IP addresses and ban them so long as you leave a comment translating this sign, because I need to know what lies beyond this door.  I assume just the antithesis of joy, but that's far too broad. 

On the other hand it could be some kind of Asian food restaurant?  Just letting their customers know they don't serve dog or ice cream? Is the eating of ice cream looked down upon in Asia, like some kind of white man taboo? 

Alt-Tabs

  

Medieval Times Weren't Miserable, Huh? -  Medieval England was not only far more prosperous than previously believed, it also actually boasted an average income that would be more than double the average per capita income of the world's poorest nations today, according to new research..."By the late Middle Ages, the English people were in a position to afford a varied diet including meat, dairy produce and ale, as well as the less highly processed grain products that comprised the bulk of the bare bones subsistence diet," he added...Even on the eve of the Black Death plague, which first struck in 1348/49, the researchers found per capita incomes in England of more than $800.

I'm going to call bullshit here.  Obviously the people in Medieval Times had a decent amount of cash, they all lived in enormous castles according to everything I've ever learned.  The people of this study need to realize money doesn't equate to happiness. 

In all the tv shows, movies, and illustrated books I've seen clearly prove the Medieval times were a time without sun, just grey and dreary, 90% chance of rain.  Men not having enough money to buy a proper pair of pants and having to resort to tights , kings and queens running around beheading each other and everyone else, people solving any and all disputes with over-sized swords and on top of that they had to live in constant fear of a disease simply known as "Black Death".  Yea sounds like its was a real frigen hoot back then. 

Normal People Ignore Celebrities on Twitter, They Start Freaking Out - Celebrities were so frustrated with the time it took to raise $1 million for Keep a Child Alive's "Digital Death" campaign, they persuaded a wealthy savior to give them $500,000 so they could get back on Twitter...The boldfaces agreed to "kill" themselves on social media until they raised a $1 million for the charity, which helps fund HIV/AIDS relief in Africa and India. But it took longer than expected, and insiders say the celebs became frustrated.

Hysterical, you know why no one cared? Because some of the so-called celebrities were the Kardashians,  Alicia Keys, something called Swizz Beats, Lady Gaga and Ryan Seacrest.  First off, I don't have to follow Seacrest on Twitter if I want to know what he's up to, the guy is literally on every television and radio show, no need to keep me posted.  For the rest of you? I can only imagine the only people who cared about your tweets are in high school.  And last I checked high schoolers tend to have a hard time coming up with $1 million in change.

Which reminds me, you can follow CW @thealttab (or by clicking the black bird in the right column).

 Rebel Buddhist Monk Being Evicted - He’s New York’s crudest Buddhist.  Instead of emptying his mind, Xiao Dan Wu has been emptying his bladder into a washbasin used by his fellow monks at a Canal Street temple, according to a new lawsuit. The nervy Nirvana-seeker, who was living without permission at the China Buddhist Association, then intimidated a female monk by leaving cat feces on her prayer cushion, the group alleges in court papers filed in Manhattan Supreme Court. 

I think these other monks have to take a good hard look inward and think about if this is happening to them because of bad Karma.  This isn't any everyday annoying monk, the kind that maybe meditated too loud or something.  This guy is a clear rogue sent to them as a message.  They'd be wise to heed that message, who knows what Karma will give to them next if they evict its offering.

 

Whats Wrong With This Teen?

Fox News - A New Hampshire couple has pulled their son out of his local high school after the teen was assigned a book that refers to Jesus Christ as a "wine-guzzling vagrant and precocious socialist."..."He started making some comments about the book and I said, ‘Well, just read it. You know you have to read it for school,'" Taylor told FoxNews.com. "But finally he came home one day and said ‘I'm not reading this book, I'm done reading this book, I am not reading any more of this book,' and he slammed it down and said, ‘This is junk!'"

Those damn non-rebellious teens, always not starting controversy by sticking to their overly conservative values.  

Whats with this kid? He better be seriously considering running for President on the Tea Parties national ticket in a few years if he's taking stands like this in high school.  The book may be a bit too much for impressionable teens, and the teacher is no doubt a looney-liberal stoner, but this is not the response a healthy American teenager should have.  

Teenagers have 3 responses to high school material; 1) Ignore it and focus on sleeping, 2) Latch on to your teachers thoughts and blindly follow their ideals, 3) Play devils advocate in class but parrot teachers ideals on tests so you don't fail (if there is anything high school teachers hate its students with an enlightened and educated view that opposes theirs). 

If I were the parents of this kid I'd be seriously worried about how tightly wound he is. Pretty sure even Jeffrey Dahmer was more easy going than this kid in high school.