Love, Hate, or Tolerate Your Job?

Which category do you fit into?  I work for a very large company, in a particularly large department.  I can't help but notice the a-typical bell curve distribution in our office for people who either love, hate or tolerate their jobs.  I'd say just by observation (because we here at the Alt-Tab do not support the scientific method in any form) there is a very meaty mid-section of employees who tolerate their jobs, but are ultimately indifferent towards their status as an employee (aside from the pay check and benefits), I'm talking like +80%.  Is this the usual breakdown though? Are all jobs/careers this way, or are the people who work for Google all infinitely happier than the rest of us? Here's the breakdown as I see it.

Group 1 -People Who Love Their Jobs (7%) - There can be a number of factors for why someone loves their job, but I'd guess the most common is how rewarding they find it.  Certainly not the case at this cube farm.  Its actually a very good place to work, I'd just stop short of calling it rewarding.  I've never went home feeling like I did some good in the world after a long day of scrolling through excell sheets and deleting countless e-mails.  No, the people who happen to love their jobs love it for different reasons.  Some for money (at the higher up level anyway), fresh out of college and haven't been beaten down by the realities of adult life, foreigners who came to America for a better opportunity (and haven't realized that this isn't it yet), and the small fraction of people amongst us that are just blissfull no matter what is going on in their lives.  Safe to say I'm not any of those people and do not fit into this category.

Group 2 - People who hate their jobs (11%, and growing) - I wish I was one of these people (its true, I'm not, we'll get to that in a bit). These are the people who quit when they realize they don't like something, they'll go on their way and find something that they love, most of them will end up in group 1, they should be congratulated.  Not everyone has the stones to take a chance and move on in search of something better.  I'd do it, but bloggers without any advertising tend not to get paid well, and sadly, I'm a consumer first and foremost, I need my paycheck.  Also, I mention growing because less and less of these miserable bastards are quitting their jobs as a result of the economy. The result is actually quite depressing.  Less people realizing their dreams, plus you have more assholes at work who don't give a shit about their job, making it more miserable for the rest of who are just punching in and out every week.  Really harshing the whole "working for the weekend" mood around here.

Group 3 - People who tolerate their jobs (82%) - The meaty middle, this is where the CW lands. Content to have a decent job, not happy, not miserable, just going about my usual business.  Some of us are here because you're still in school and haven't moved on yet, some gave up their dreams long ago and took a practical job, some got knocked up too young and are now stuck where they are because of the flexible schedule and good benefits, some of you lucked into a job you had no business deserving but can't go elsewhere because you're not capable of getting a job on par with your current one, but most just haven't figured out what they want to do with their life (cough/ahem). They go out, have fun, get drunk, make a mistake or two, laugh it over with their friends later.

So in a roundabout way that is my "What I'm thankful for" Thanksgiving Blog.  Happy to have a decent job and do fairly well, but happier realizing that life is made up of so much more than the place you spend 40 hours a week to collect a paycheck. 

Lady Pees In Store

Look, I don't blame the lady here, frankly she didn't even do anything that out of the ordinary.  Sometimes you just have to go, it's happened to me before and when the situation arises you don't think you just act.  I'm not proud of it (actually I am, they're still funny stories whenever they're told, except for one that's not true) but desperate situations call for desperate actions and this lady was desperate.  Sure the store probably had a bathroom, and sure given the relatively small amount of piss involved here she in all likelihood could have held it but that's beside the point, and who are we to judge?

I do have a problem with her partner in crime here.  What the fuck is he doing?  Touching and sniffing the pee.  That's way out side the responsibilities of a Public Pissing Decoy.  Dude, your job is to get in, run a distraction and get out.  You don't have to wallow, smell, and taste the piss.  That's just disgusting.  

Plus if the store owner wasn't sure it was piss before he is now.  You're just working too hard to sell it.  No stranger would bench down and run their hand in any liquid and sniff and taste it.  Like when is the last time you walked into a convenience store and gave a puddle on the ground the old taste test? Just a dead give away.

PS: Yes I know this is like a week late, it got stuck at the bottom of my topics list.

Congrats to the Miz?

So Mike "The Miz" from back in the day on the Real World is the new WWE champion (that's the WWF Moniker for any of those who stopped watching wrestling way back in the 4th grade in attempt to make something of your life like I did)?  

I'm not sure what is the sadder state of affairs here; a once proud wrestling franchise crowning a reality tv member as champion? Or the fact that The Miz has to be the most successful post Real World member yet. I'm leaning towards more embarrassing for wrestling.

I think its a given going in that most of the cast members of the Real World know that the show will be the high point of their lives.  Sure some will move on to a semi-lucrative career on the Challenge circuit but deep inside they all know people are only tuning in to see their drunk antics, hook-ups and fights.  It's really no different than the Jersey Shore, and no one will ever confuse any of those cast members for anything but degenerates.  So The Miz breaking out and finding success in something other than an established MTV franchise is a mild accomplishment.  Even if the only real difference between what he does now and what they do on challenges involves a little less alcohol, and a little more body oil.  Really, both require the wearing of spandex, the using of steroids, and both shows are heavily produced and scripted despite what most people believe.

As for the WWFE, come on really? A reality star, has it really gotten that low?  I knew it was getting bad when J-WOWW (aforementioned Jersey Shore Fame, I know most of you know who she is, I have one friend who refuses to keep up with anything pop-culture related) made an appearance but this is just a new low.  

Back in my day Wrestling Champions were real men.  Hulk Hogan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Randy Savage, and my favorite, The Ultimate Warrior.  These guys were beasts put on the earth for two reasons; to eat steroids and kick ass.  They didn't become famous for drunkenly marching around on reality TV pretending to live out some childhood fantasy.  That can't be all it takes these days.  There's probably 1000's of 10-12year olds who do the same thing everyday (minus the booze hopefully), just because an adult does it doesn't make him a wrestler.  Good to see I made the right choice ditching wrestling back in the 4th grade.  Knew it wasn't headed in the right direction way back then.  Guess I'm just a visionary. 

Thanksgiving Family Rituals

Ah, Thanksgiving, right around the corner.  Food, drinks, football, all the ingredients that make up CW's favorite holiday (and by ownership, the official holiday of The Alt-Tab).  No real surprise there, all three when mixed properly allow a catatonic like zoning out affect that magically comes around once a year.  Conversation grinds to a halt, everyone fades in and out of naps, communication consists of grunts towards the television during the football games and the occasional lazy hand gesture when another helping of food is required to be passed around.  Heaven.

But that's all post-meal bliss.  Leading up to this once yearly state of nirvana is the family gathering, a staple of the holiday season.  Most families will share traditions, recipes, exchanging of children's Christmas wish lists (there's always that one kid who aims a bit too high with their wish list much to the annoyance of family members.  I can only assume in hindsight that it was me as a child, so to my immediate family I apologize), and carving of the turkey honors.  

My families Thanksgiving tradition is a bit different than most I would assume.  To us the holidays are a chance to get together and compete in one-upping one another with regards to medical ailments and health issues.  Conversations run the gamut from pace-makers, cholesterol levels, blood sugar, hearing aids, vision, an array of surgeries, vision complaints, back pain, psoriasis, eczema, leprosy, and gingivitis.  You need a medical dictionary just to get through it.  The competition is for the head of the table.  The worse your affliction or collection of ailments the better your seat at the table.  My Grandfather has had a firm grasp on the title for years now with the aforementioned hearing aid and pace-maker, though my Mom has mounted a serious challenge this year that could make it an interesting race for the first time in as long as I can remember.  

As for me, I've been stuck at the children's table long past the regularly acceptable age.  Just haven't been able to crack the big leagues and gain entrance to the adult table.  Sure every few years I come in with stitches or a pulled groin, but that's just child's play with this group.  Nothing short of major surgery or threatening illness is going to get me to the big show.  Same for the CW's brother.  Biggest hypochondriac I know, comes up with a wild array of imagined illnesses and injuries each year, none of them are good enough.  The adults in our family are a savvy, veteran group of the walking wounded, they see right through his fictional complaints and chuckle at his efforts.

Sadly all has been well on the health front once again this year for your fearless leader.  Just one more year of eating off unstable fold up tables with chairs so short I might as well be kneeling.  There's always next year though.

Pope Ok's Male Prostitution, WTF?

CNN - Pope Benedict XVI said in comments released Saturday that the use of condoms may be morally acceptable in some cases to prevent the spread of AIDS, possibly foreshadowing a shift in the Roman Catholic Church's stance on the issue..."There could be single cases that can be justified, for instance when a prostitute uses a condom, and this can be a first step towards a moralization, a first assumption of responsibility, to develop again the awareness of the fact that not all is allowed and that one cannot do everything one wants," Benedict said..."I think the point he was trying to make, when somebody is using a condom, not so much to prevent new life, which has always been the Catholic Church's big concern, but to prevent the transmission of disease than it would be OK,"

Umm, what? Is the Pope pimping male prostitution? Sounds like it right? The whole "when somebody is using a condom, not so much to prevent new life...but to prevent the transmission of disease than it would be ok" quote really threw me for a loop for a minute.  Then it hit me, when would the use of a condom prevent disease but not new life?  Male on Male prostitution that's when.  

A huge change in stance from El Padre, I just hope its not some round about way for the church to avoid having to condemn their own priests and clergy members.  Wouldn't want the Pope confusing male on male prostitution with pedophilia (but hey, way to weigh in on everyone's private lives once again while still blatantly ignoring on going problems in your own house).

Morning News Fail

You just hafta feel bad here.  This is obviously some 3rd rate morning news show, in some podunk, backwoods area.  They'd probably hyped this segment for weeks in hopes of boosting their viewer ship.  Just an awful turn of events for these people.  And I know you just failed miserably and all, but Jesus ladies, hold it together will you?  Yea you suck at your jobs and all but at least try and blame it on your production crew instead of selling yourselves out with that "This is a metaphor for our show, another crash and burn quote."  Way to keep a united front.

PS: Am I crazy or would "Are You Kidding Me?!" make a great title for a sitcom centered on three love-able losers who work on a poorly produced morning news show.  I smell a hit. 

Mena Suvari Was Gross

I'm not the only one that thought Mena Suvari was ugly from the very beginning, right?  Not even Hollywood ugly, but just plain old, regular life ugly.  I'm up late with a case of Sunday night insomnia watching American Pie 2 and I still can't figure out what producers and directors saw in her, and this is like 10 years later.  I was 15 when American Pie came out.  At that age boys will find just about any girl under 200 pounds attractive, so to say  I found her ugly from the get go is really saying something, yet here she was landing roles in coming of age type movies.

I'm just glad everyone smartened up fairly quickly.  I took a quick peek at her IMDB page, which much to my relief, confirmed that here career has severely stagnated since 2001 (seriously, in 2005 it got so low that she took a role as a character just titled as "whore").  Ironically enough it was probably her most critically acclaimed movie that did her in.  The scene in American Beauty where Ricky (the creepy kid next door) called her out on being ugly sealed her fate.  The blinders were lifted and everyone took a good close look, the verdict was in...ugly as charged. 

Alt-Tabs

Asians Pass Out Drunk on Job Interview - Last week, 4 young men – 2 of whom are due to graduate from university next year – in China’s southwestern metropolis of Chongqing were found passed out drunk on a popular city square after a boozy lunch with their leader-to-be...Eager to impress the boss, they competed in drinking more alcohol. In the end they were wasted. At first, they just sat on the ground chatting, but soon three of them lied down and passed out. The fourth guy leaned against a telephone pole, standing unsteadily, occasionally muttered some words out his mouth [sic] and shivered non-stop.

Typical Stereotypical asians.  Do they have 4 Loko over there as well?  If not then what the hell did these guys drink?
I also love how everyone stopped to gather around and look at these guys.  Shit like that just does not happen here.  There's probably 10-15 passed out people in or around Fanueil hall at any given time Thurs night through Sunday afternoon and no one ever stops to stare at them.


Tiger on Twitter - Yesterday, the voice of Tiger Woods hit Twitter for the first time and a flock of followers came to make sure everything Tiger says appears in their timeline. Woods told Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio and ESPN2 this morning that his interview, his piece in Newsweek and his Twitter feed was about reconnecting with his fans.

Yea, "reconnecting with his fans."  More like reconnecting with all the hoochies whose phone numbers he had to delete when Elin put his life and bank account in danger.  He was also quoted as saying he's "happier than ever" yesterday, I'm sure it has nothing to do with all the top shelf hookers that he's surely got following him.  The Alt-Tab is strongly considering breaking it's Twitter boycott just to follow Tigers hook-up trail.


HR Rep Loses His Shit - When the president of a company began e-mailing a prospective employee, neither of them thought it would end in a war of words...But when he looked over her resume he encountered what he told MyFoxDetroit.com was a ‘glaring misspelling.’ Otto sent her an e-mail suggesting she check her resume for spelling errors...Sinclair continued: "I still don't know who you are…your tag says that you're a president. You're a president of what? 'When I went to his website, there were no openings posted...Otto responded "Well, well. I do have several opportunities in human resources due to the fact that I've acquired several of my competitors. It is of no surprise why you're unemployed and your resume has misspellings. I'm confident it's representative of the shoddy work you put out. You come across as a spoiled, snotty little ‘bitch’ and I believe you probably needed to hear that for a long time."

Umm, what did this guy expect her reaction to be? You can't just go out of your way, make time in your presumably busy day and try and help someone get a job in a brutal job market without expecting them to come back at you with a bitchy attitude. Dude should've seen it coming.  Who does he think he is trying to give her job advice? Shes got plenty of experience applying for jobs, probably applied and got turned down 10 times in the past month, she knows what shes doing...Bitch.

Idaho Women Fall for the Old Breast Exam Scam - An Idaho judge has set bond at $100,000 for a Boise woman police say posed as a physician and duped at least two other women into having their breasts examined by her at Boise-area nightclubs...


Talk about a judge who is out of touch.  I know women are easily gullible and will believe just about anything after a drink or two but this is a bit too much. This isn't a guy lying about his profession, or telling them he's shipping off to war or to the Peace Corps to try and get laid.  There is just no way these women believed a Doctor set up shop at their local dive bar (yes it had to  be a dive bar, its Idaho, there isn't any other kind) and was performing breast examples in between slippery nipple shots.  Plus it was a woman doing the exams anyway.  Everyone knows women are allowed to grope other women at bars.  Its one of those unwritten rules of society.

Gripes of the Week

This was one of my favorite blogs to write, I'm bringing it back again this week. Basically I just keep track of things I'd usually gripe about to my friends and co-workers, spare them the agony, and share it with all of you.

Stories about 4 Loko - Got it, they're "dangerous." Except they're not.  I think its pretty clear at this point that college kids of today just can't hang with the college kids of my years.  Caffeinated alcohol has been around forever, these aren't anything new.  I used to pregame with a can of Sparks and a 40 oz of malt liquor, never saw me dying or crying that I needed to go to the hospital. Maybe we were just more hardcore, or maybe this next generation is made up of a bunch of sissy's.  Either way they've ruined it for the rest of us and future generations to come as Massachusetts is now banning all caffeinated alcoholic beverages (which won't stop me from enjoying a few VRB's this weekend (Vodka Redbulls, catchy right? Don't know how that isn't the accepted abbreviation yet). 

The Morning News - I'm watching it now.  It's 97.8% weather and traffic.  The other 2.2 is plugs for local businesses/musicians and some kind of public advisory piece (usually exercise or health food related).  I'm sure something had to have happened over night, its when all the criminals come out.  This is your chance to be fresh and keep me interested.  By the time I get home tonight at 7pm I'm going to have read all of the happenings from the previous day on the internet.  No need to watch your night time telecasts, they're not relevant.  If anything you should be doing puff pieces at night to help me forget about my day.  Leave the hardcore stories of murder, robbery and foreclosures in the morning when I'm still fresh and optimistic.  

Stories about Airport Scanners - Quit your bitching everyone. Travelers and TSA agents just STFU and go about your day.  Travelers- You don't want to be scanned, enjoy being groped, because you know what? I'd rather see you get molested than my ass blown up midair, but I'm funny that way.  TSA agents, stop poking the public with a stick, just take the complaints and go about your day. Every time you put out a press release you get the public more upset. Oh, and cut the shit about the images not being saved, its obviously not true, they're showing up online.  Just be honest.  I really don't care if people see a clear, silhouetted image of my body. Go for it, feel free.  There's plenty of porn out there on the internet that I can assume skeevy pervs would rather be looking at.

Three Vending Machine Related Gripes

1. Vending Machine Doesn't Drop- I'd say this happens to me at work 2 out of every 10 times leading to a rage on par with any driving experience.  Shake, kick, grab the office anorexic and see if their arm can reach high enough to grab my peanut m&m's, I've tried it all. None of it works. This is like the frigen bear trap of vending machines.  And obviously the maintence and cafe people don't maintain the vending machine, its an outside supplier.  Great, so my only option is feeding the machine more money and buying two items, because there's no way in hell I'm letting some other schmuck get a 2 for 1 deal.  Ruins my day every time.
2. Selecting the Wrong Item from The Vending Machine - Rare but when it happens you just have to slump your shoulders and mope back to your cube (or waiting room I guess, depending on where you are).  About twice a year I select a MilkyWay by mistake when going for a Snickers.  How about stop putting these two next to each other, they look too similar, a quick look without a double take and its easy to confuse them...until you bite into them.  MilkyWay's are like the welfare version of Snickers.  Were Peanuts just too costly? Unless there's a food allergy reason I can't believe anyone ever willingly buys a MilkWay. In fact I'd venture to say that 75-80% of their global sales are due to Snickers confusion (By the way to take the welfare analogy one step further, the 3 Musketeers bar is the homeless person of the candy bar community, just awful, and I feel like giving people my spare change whenever I see them somberly eating one of these minimalist treats).
3. When Vending Machine Prices Get Jacked Up - In the past two years the average candy in my office has gone from $.60 to one dollar with chips going for $1.10.  Look, I was upset when prices jumped up to a dollar for a non-king size candy bar, it just seemed odd that the vending industry is facing 45% inflation rates.  But $1.10 for chips and crackers?  What the fuck? Who brings an extra dime to the break room.  Don't we all just grab a dollar and make our way over?  Now I have to decide between whether to walk back, grab a dime and then have everyone see me go back to the machine and think I'm getting two things, Or, hang around and try and mooch a dime off someone I go out of my way to avoid and ignore every other day of the week.  This pisses me off to no end.