Abbreviated Alt-Tabs

I was going to hang it up for today, there were a few stories that I just couldn't help commenting on.

Delonte West Acting Crazy Again - During a three-on-three game with Avery Bradley, Luke Harangody, Semih Erden and assistant coach Tyronn Lue, West began fouling Wafer each time the reserve guard touched the ball. West was increasingly physical to the point that Wafer exited to the locker room midway through the game. As he walked away, West barked obscenities and taunted Wafer. After Wafer had showered and sat down at his locker, West approached from behind and threw a punch. Wafer didn’t see the punch coming but quickly got off of the ground and connected on two punches of his own. He then wrestled West to the ground before being separated by the team’s veterans. West believed Wafer was responsible for published anonymous quote saying it was “obvious” when West hadn’t taken his medicine, source says.

Delonte West is starting to sound more like a baddass Mel Gibson character in some horrible action movie than an NBA basketball player. Riding around with three loaded guns on his motorcycle, banging teammates mom's, and now striking back at his antagonizers after days of laying in wait. Dude is straight up certifiable. If he's some how not cut this is going to be one hell of an entertaining season. 

Randy Quaid Running from Hollywood Hitman -Randy Quaid is on the run in  Canada and seeking refugee status. The actor and his  wife Evi are  facing charges in a California court and skipped another  court date in  the state this week. A California judge has now issued a warrant for  their  arrest....In  his prepared statement Randy claims he is the  target of a "Hollywood  Hit Team" that is out to "whack" him and his wife  Evi. At times tearful  with his hands trembling Randy detailed a long  list of "insiders and  employees" that he singled out for theft and  corruption. He stated that  eight actors, including Chris Penn and Heath  Ledger “were  whacked”  and others including Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Mel  Gibson were  also being targeted. “We are not criminals nor are we  fugitives from  the justice nor are we crazy,” he said.

You may know Randy Quaid better as Crazy Cousin Eddy from the National Lampoons Vacation series or as the Crazy guy from Independance Day.  I always assumed he was just a good niche actor, cornered the whole market for acholics, unshaven bums, and lunatic rolls locked down. Sadly it turns out he was just being himself. (thanks to AJ, I had a whole blog prepared but he helped simplify it with a one liner)

Yankee Fan Put in His Place - The victim, a student who was not identified by police, was walking near the corner of Harvard and Brighton avenues early on the morning of Oct. 16, hours after the Yankees rallied in the eighth inning to defeat the Texas Rangers by one run in the first game of the ALCS.
A man wearing a gray sweatshirt approached him and asked, “Why are you wearing that hat around here?” according to a police report. Before having a chance to reply, the victim was punched in the face and knocked down, which caused him to bleed from his hands and chin, police said.

Because its random acts of violence to show support for your team are always fun.

Politically Correct Wiccans

Foxnews - Witch's Wit is one of Port Brewing Company's Lost Abbey beers, which the distributor calls "inspired beers for saints and sinners alike." Each beer sports a label that aims to tell a story about the struggle between good and evil.

But Vicki Noble, a famed healer, astrologer and spiritual leader in the pagan community, saw only evil in Witch's Wit after a worker in a liquor store called the bottle to her attention last week. Incensed at the image of a witch being burned at the stake, Noble sent an e-mail to her followers, asking in the subject line: "Can we stop this brewer from their hate imagery? Can you imagine them showing a black person being lynched or a Jewish person going to the oven?" she asked. "Such images are simply not tolerated in our society anymore (thank the Goddess) and this one should not be, either."...Still, Cynthia Eller, associate professor of women's studies and religious studies at Montclair State University in New Jersey, said the label was just plain offensive. "This woman could have been my great, great, great, great, grandmother -- if she lived long enough to reproduce,"

Vicki Noble and Cynthia Eller can cut the shit.  Its a frigen beer ladies, relax and throw one back.  No, the cartoon image of a witch burning at the stake is not offensive.  Because its a fucking witch.  If you're opposed to this you have to be opposed to just about any halloween decoration, The Wizard of Oz, Melissa Joan Hart, Charmed, and anything else portraying the stereotypical witch.  But I didn't hear you bitches witches all up in arms in these situations. 

No, this is clearly just another case of our society taking political correctness too far.  Again, its just a beer bottle. Protesting the bottle is getting it far more notice than it ever would have gotten if you'd just gone about your day without looking for some injustice to bitch about.  It's not like the company is lobbying for us to burn actual witches, hell its not like actual witches even exist.  You're a wiccan, in touch with mother nature and all that mumbo jumbo (yes I'm making fun of Wiccans, its odd and you chose to be different, deal with it).  You're not a witch, you don't ride around on broomsticks and you're not casting spells on villagers.  Come put a spell on me, turn me in to a frog, make me a mute, some shit like that. Can't do it? BECAUSE YOU'RE A PHONY AND WITCHES DON'T EXIST! Black people exist, Jewish people exist, witches do not exist.  There is literally nothing to complain about here.

And no, that couldn't be your grandmother.  I'm not sure you're aware of the difference between photographs and cartoons, but thats a cartoon, its not a real person, it's not your relative.  So stop causing problems where there aren't any, please.

Guest Blog: Awkard Moments in an Elevator

Yep, thats right another guest blog.  Lets hope this one get less lames than the previous two submissions.

Yesterday, a female co-worker and I decided to go out and grab an afternoon snack.  It is important to note that she is pregnant, and far enough along that you can tell she is pregnant.  We were joined in the elevator by a guy that works across the hall from our office.  While in the elevator this guy is awkwardly looking at her stomach, and you can tell he is just dying to say something.  He then proceeds to ask us if we are together.  Yeah, he went there.  After a few seconds of complete awkwardness, we tell him that we aren’t.  You’d think a normal person would just kind of end the conversation there right?  (Actually a normal person would never ask two complete strangers if they are together, but that’s beside the point)  He then tells us that he thought we might have been together because we were similar size.  Hopefully he meant height, because I don’t believe that I look pregnant.

Where do you even start here?  Asking two complete strangers if they are together is one thing, but when the woman is pregnant that’s a whole new ballgame.  That brings in all sorts of different dynamics.  The size comment is just completely baffling to me.  Like does this guy (Jon Gruden would be proud) honestly think that people are getting together strictly based on being similar heights?  Based on his theory I’d have a legitimate shot with Jessica Alba if she was my height.  Maybe he’s onto something here.

-Milosh

When Will People Stop Using The Post Office?

Is anyone else bothered that seemingly sane people continue to use the post office?  Its all so out of date.  I can think of literally no reason that I'm ever going to buy a stamp again.  Seriously, I challenge you to name me one.  And don't even get me started on going to the actual post office. It is Fedex, UPS or hand delivery for me from here on out. Have you been to a post office lately? The last time I made a trip there I thought I'd mistakenly ended up at the DMV.  Just dirty, unhealthy, bordering on  homeless looking people lined up waiting forever to carry out simple tasks that in all likelihood could be carried out electronically.  Its like a frigen leper colony.  Its disgusting and I'm never going back.  And why should I? Buying stamps for mailing letters/cards/bills?  Please.  It's all do-able online or over the phone.

We'll start with bills.  The only valid excuse for not paying your bills online is that you're elderly and can't figure it out.  And even then most bills offer automatic deductions.  Trying to buy stamps is the biggest waste of time I've ever encountered.  Do you know how hard it is to buy a fucking stamp anywhere else but the post office (which we've already established as a gateway to Hell)?    The US Postal Service wonders why they're verging on the point of irrelvance and bankruptcy? Maybe because you inisit on believing  people are willing buy 1x1 pieces of paper from you with glue on the back in order to mail anything, but you make them impossible to find unless you're in the actual Post office. Stupidest business plan I've ever heard of.  Pay that shit online and save yourself the time and .44 cents.

Mailing letters and or cards is a societal issue we need to tackle.  We've accepted so many technological changes over the past two decades that it boggles my mind that we still view e-mailed letters and e-cards as impersonal.  This needs to end now.  If you live far enough away from me or I see you sparingly enough that I need to communicate via letter or greeting card then you're not worth the $3.99 I'd need to spend on the card, the one hour minimum that it would take to find a stamp, or the .44 cents for the cost of the stamp.  Why don't we all agree to save eachother a bunch of time and a little bit of money and move the whole greeting card and personal letter industry online.  What is the big deal?  I'm still taking the time and showing that I'm thinking of you by contacting you. Who cares if I've decided to do it in an efficient manner rather than communicating the way previous generations did.  Shit changes, smoke signals were replaced land lines, and land lines by cell phones but you don't see anyone complaining that making my calls from a cellular device is impersonal and expecting me to go out back and light a fire.  Its ridiculous and I won't be doing it anymore. 

Rant Over.

Tough Being a Student These Days

Its things like this that really make me glad I went to school during the early pioneering days of the net.  When you could still find teachers and professors that assumed your paper was written based on hard work and research time put in at the library with scholarly journals and those encyclopedia things.  Yes I only graduated a few years ago but teachers were still naive enough not to think we were propositioning complete strangers on the internet for questionably factual knowledge. 

I personally blame wikipedia for this. Teachers began to really catch on as soon as the internet decided to fuck with academia's obsession with encyclopedias.  The idea that something that calls itself an encyclopedia could be edited or written by anyone and possibly contain false information was just too much for educators to handle.  You've got to understand that the generation of teachers that taught us were raised on the idea that an encyclopedias word was as good as gospel.  Threatening the credibility of encyclopedias was a horrible decision and todays students today are paying for it.  Thanks alot, wikipedia.

This Weeks Overheard at the Office

Yesterday I over heard a middle aged man in my office discussing these "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" books (apparently its a whole series).  I didn't overreact when I saw girls everywhere (beach, cafeteria, subway, etc...) reading these oddly titled books this summer, or when Amazon.com had these as their top recommendations for like 45 straight days, or when I saw questionable looking guys walking around carrying this book in the North End.   But I'm drawing the line at middle age, 40-something old men in my office reading these books.  And this guy wonders why he's still single with no prospects (I overhear quite a few of his conversations).

He not only proceeded to gush about reading the whole set of books in the span of two weeks, but he decided to snob it up and discuss the Swedish film based on the book, talking up its artsy and emotional feel.  During this douchey lecture on foreign films he lamented that the American version (coming soon I guess?) would probably be too dumbed down to capture the same emotions...

Newsflash jackass, it'll be dumbed down and easier to understand because it will be in English.  You won't have to speak Swedish or read subtitles while you're trying to watch the movie.  And I wouldn't worry about it needing to be dumbed down too much  Any book that caught on and was a pop culture hit with high school-mid 20's aged girls I'll just assume can't too hard to follow.  Certainly no Chicken Soup for the Soul or Traveling Pants anyway (sarcasm).

Guest Blog: The Doctor Is In

Hey All- Today's guest blog is from a self-described television guru.  Feel free to comment if you like the blog as I could make his column a running feature.

I see it everyday. People running into my office yelling, “Dr., I am so bored at night when I get home from work. I just sit there flipping through channels and usually wind up on some movie I’ve seen 20 times or meaningless sports contest with two teams I don’t even root for. What should I do?” I have been helping people out for the nearly 25 years I’ve had my practice and I’ve decided to take my talents to The Alt Tab in order to help a larger audience. Ladies and gentlemen, for those of you looking for quality TV, the doctor is in.

Prescription #1: This Sunday AMC will premiere its new original program “The Walking Dead” at 10pm. The show is about a local sheriff who wakes up in an abandoned hospital and finds the apocalypse has happened. He sets out to search for his family and is forced to battle the growing army of zombies who now walk the earth. The tie ins with it premiering on Halloween are obvious, but I see a lot more long term potential for this show than just a few scares on October 31^st. The pilot was written and directed by Frank Darabont who wrote and directed “The Shawshank Redemption”. This should be exciting news for most people as I have met more people who hate puppies than who hate “Shawshank” (I also prescribe doing this if you have the resources). Now for those who need to convince a girlfriend or Mrs. before you can add this to the DVR, I have you covered. Tell them the plot is basically just a man searching for his missing wife and son, and that man is played by the guy from “Love Actually” who made the posters for Keira Knightley. Trust me; they’ll know what you’re talking about.

Prescription #2: Have you ever heard the Chris Rock bit about how no one’s ever met two American Indians at the same time? Well that’s how I feel about viewers of “The Big Bang Theory”, except I’ve never even met one of those. The real shame is how much better “Bang” does in the ratings than its competitor in the 8pm time slot on NBC, “Community”. This comedy is probably the best show you’re not watching and if you like laughing, references to 80’s action movies and pop culture or the naked Chinese guy from “The Hangover” then it’s time you tuned in. Also, it stars Joel McHale, or as he’s more commonly known, the guy from “The Soup” and Chevy Chase. The show gets some of the better guest stars on TV as Jack Black, Katherine McPhee, John Michael Higgins (the singing sprite from The Breakup) and Betty White have all appeared. My suggestion would be switching over from “Bang” (or stop watching that show completely, you’re better than that) and try “Community” for a couple weeks. At the very least try to find some way to watch the “Modern Warfare” episode of “Community” and call me in the morning if you don’t completely love it, because you might be stupid.

Prescription #3: If you were one of the many who grew tired with “30 Rock” after last year’s uneven season, I’m suggesting you return to Liz Lemon’s world. Besides the live episode, which I felt was more to prove the ability to achieve such a high degree of difficulty rather than making a funny episode, this season is back to where the show used to be. If you develop stomach pain from laughing too hard then I would suggest seeing a real physician. I mean haven’t you noticed I’m only discussing television and have no real medical credentials?

Prescription #4: I think most TV fans have shows they missed from the beginning and got too far behind to catch up on. However, they still would like to see it and are relegated to catching up on DVD. Even I, the TV specialist, can’t watch everything and have “The Shield” and “Breaking Bad” at the top of my list to view on DVD. This week a show I would prescribe to all of you premiered on Direct TV, “Friday Night Lights”. I am not telling anyone to start watching this season, you deserve better and frankly so does the show. Instead, make this the top show on your list to catch up on with the DVDs. Now I know these can be expensive and not everyone makes the salary of a doctor like me, but “FNL” seasons are fairly cheap on Amazon. This show was/is fantastic and I almost wish I could trade places with all of you and watch it all anew from the beginning. But then again, I could never return to being some kind of TV commoner either. What do you people even talk about? “Two and a Half Men”? Ugh, no thanks.

-Dr. Jack Shephard, TV specialist

Thursday Blues

To me, Thursday has to be the worst day of the week. Don't believe me? Lets break it down.

Yes Monday is bad.  You've got a whole week ahead of you, and compared to the weekend that you're just back from going to work blows.  But at least you had those two days of rest to get back to neutral before Monday.  You've got gas in your tank, and you know that you can procrastinate on any annoying work tasks that may come up because you've got all week at this point.  Any good Alt-Tabber can slack their way all the way through their case of the Mondays.

Tuesday- You've still got some of that energy stored up from the weekend, plus you're well into the work week mindset at this point.  You've got four grueling day left ahead of you but you can pace your expectations accordingly.  No one has ever been fooled into thinking its Friday when they wake up on Tuesday. For better or worse you know what is facing you on Tuesday.

Wednesday- Hump Day! This is sneaky my favorite day of the work week.  For me it brings relief, I know by lunch we're half way done the work week, and by the end of the day my mind is already drifting into weekend mode. This euphoria doesn't last though, it just sets me up for a gigantic downfall on...

Thursday-  I wake up after an optimistic Wednesday, fully looking forward to the weekend (I often wake up on Thursday thinking its Friday), only the realization sets in that I have two days left before I  get there.   My tanks is on empty but I don't have the adrenaline boost I get on Fridays knowing the weekend is right around the corner.  It's straight depressing.  Two days of annoying calls, fluorescent lights, chairs that screw with your spine to the point that you feel like the elephant man, countless excell sheets, corporate pep talks, and dreadful co-workers. 

Given all that its no wonder the expression TGIFriday exists.  The day is great by comparison, never mind the fact that it leads you into a two or sometimes three day break.  Fridays have it it made like the youngest child in a family.  After all the stress and work the others put you through (or the parents through), make you cherish that last day (or child if you're still with me in this diluted analogy) no matter what it brings.  

8 more hours to go until Friday.

PS: I don't care if you thought this blog sucked, Thursdays suck so its only fitting that my blogs suffer accordingly.  Lucky for you we'll have a special guest blogger later today, hopefully to lighten the mood.

Belly Button Lint Challenge

Foxnews.com - An Australian man has turned for what most of us is hygiene, into a world record.  Graham Barker holds the Guinness World Record for his‘belly button fluff’ collection after saving 22.1gm of lint every day for 26 years, Metro.co.uk reported.  The 45-year-old 'harvests' the lint as part of his nightly routine, and has now filled more than three jars of the material.  Barker, who told the paper he is "not obsessive," collected his first piece of fluff during a backpacking trip in 1984...The librarian vows to continue amassing the lint until he is no longer capable, and is even considering stuffing a cushion with his collection.

Challenge accepted!  Less than 4 jars in over 26 years of collecting?  Seems a bit on the low side to me, sounds like someones been slacking on their collections because I'm pretty sure I produce at least a jar a year of this stuff.  There's been days I've pulled out nugget sized fluff and just marveled at it, but ultimately threw it out...because that's the sane thing to do.  I didn't realize these somewhat disgusting naval deposits could lead to fame.  This guy thinks he's got it made in the shade, setting a record and getting all the fame and glory that comes with such an accomplishment, all the while concealing the fact that he has no challengers to his throne.  Well not after today, I'm coming for him and I'm coming strong, better step your game up Graham (yes that's his actual blog which I stumbled upon while searching for the above picture of his actual lint.)

And before I forget, stuffing a cushion?  That shit is disgusting.  Show some class, you're a famous world record holder, I'm sure you can afford some decent upholstery on the royalties Guinness is shelling out.  And if you thought women recoiled in horror at the site of your lint in jars, try telling them the couch they're sitting on while you're trying to round second base is stuffed with your man fluff.  That's a surefire way to end up harvesting your belly button crop by yourself for the 27th straight year.