Alt-Tabs

Special Thursday Edition

Sky Lifter – These guys had to have come up with this while watching Up, right?  Since I assume as a general rule of thumb that only stoners would attempt to recreate a fantastical cartoon in real life, I have to believe this is horrible idea destined for failure. 

Hoe-Running Judge – Dude is a straight pimp.  Doesn’t even need to buy a judge either, he’s got that covered.  Only mistake was trusting a stripper, everyone knows they’ll sell you up the river first chance they get, they don’t even have souls.

Another Day, Another Foreign Politician Kicking Ass – Seriously Obama, can you give us at least one action shot? Save a cat from a tree? Help an old woman across the street? We need something; you’re making us look soft.

Vigilanty Justice – It’s about time someone finally took a stand against this look.  This aint the early 90’s anymore, you don’t see me rocking a fanny pack and Reebok pumps do you?  Gangbangers have had the same played out look for years and society has finally had enough. Kenneth E. Bonds was just the man to take the first stand.  He’ll no doubt be remembered as a fashion hero.

Vigilanty Justice II – Remind me not to speed through Belmont.  Screw overpaid police details and speed traps.  The state wants to save money, just have this woman go town to town training emotionally unstable and unemployed mothers and wives on the finer arts of dung throwing.  I’ve received two speeding tickets in my life and a couple of close call warnings but I still treat the speed limit as a general suggestion, I can tell you for certain that the first time I’m hit with a steamy pile of dog doo would absolutely be the last.

Unemployed Freelance Writer Complains that Life isn’t Free

“Are companies getting meaner? In a word, yes…

What do I mean, exactly? Here are a few examples:

Utility companies. Not that I'm proud to admit this, but I was recently behind on my electric bill, enough so that last month, I needed to pay it on the due date or risk being disconnected. As a freelance writer in a dodgy economy, it's a situation I've become used to. Last month, I called my utility company, Duke Energy, to inform it that a magazine I occasionally write for was finally sending me a paycheck on the very day my electricity was scheduled to be disconnected. I asked if it would mind moving my disconnect time from 8 a.m. on Sept. 20, the earliest point I could be disconnected, to later that afternoon or even the following day to ensure I'd have enough time to get my check, cash it and pay the bill.
Nope, I was told. I asked to speak to the supervisor and once again was told that they couldn't budge. The supervisor conceded that my request wasn't ridiculous and that in the past, they would have given me some wiggle room, but that the policy had recently changed.”

And the list goes on to include Airlines (bag fees), Cell phones (directory assistance fees, seriously who uses directory assistance? It’s called google), Buses (I’m not even sure what the complaint is), and newspapers (charging if you want tv listings included, or you could scroll through that handy guide on your screen, or google, again.)

Are companies getting meaner? NO.  You’re just a deadbeat.  It’s a recession lady (I actually just noticed the article was written by a Geoff, given the style and general bitching throughout the article I just cannot accept this as true). 

Your part time freelance scribblings aren’t getting the bills paid? Get a job at Starbucks with the rest of the self loathing English majors.  You don’t see me quitting my actual job just because I enjoy publishing my opinion for all to see, its called a hobby not a career. 

This current government is doing everything but inserting cash into the wallets for malcontents and complainers like you, and what do you do? You complain that businesses aren’t giving you handouts.  I hate baggage fees as much as the next person (by the way, Southwest might not charge baggage fees but their flight prices have been so much higher than other airlines lately that it all evens out, you either pay one high flat price or you pay the cheaper price and try to cram your shit into a carry on, your choice), but I understand that businesses need to make money somewhere to stay afloat.  Something the writer probably could have learned in college if they weren’t busy reading 19^th century English lit writings, which will come in handy never.

Winner Takes All

 I'm not quite sure what the opportunity is here that he's speaking about, but I am fucking on board. 

And no need to apologize for your tone sir, this is exactly the type of leader our system is craving in our time of need.  We've got Putin marching around like an action hero, the Bolivian president kicking ass and taking names on the pitch, all the while our "leaders" are trying to appease everyone at every turn (and we all know how that turns out).  

This is a man who has it figured out.  Politics aren't touch football! It's winner take all and it all ways has been (except when its not).

So that's it, screw the garbage man career, I'm moving to Stark County and riding this mans coattails to the top. I'm ready to rid the county of infestation. "Tell 'em I'm coming, both barrels, guns loaded."

I can only assume his masters in communication degree was obtained from the Dwight K. Schrute school of speech.

Alt-Tabs

Just one of those days, running way behind from the minute I walked in 5 minutes late (tabbing between all these links probably didn’t help). 

The Fox News Party – I mean that literally. As Politico recently pointed out, every major contender for the 2012 Republican presidential nomination who isn’t currently holding office and isn’t named Mitt Romney is now a paid contributor to Fox News.

Can they drop the fair and balanced slogan now?  Look I understand that both

major media outlets (CNN and Fox) have their own slants but this seems a bit over the top.  Despite my liberal bias I can’t say I completely blame Fox.  If there is no public, governmental, or regulatory interest in calling out such blatant political and journalistic conflicts of interest into question then why not? 

            The more ironic issue to me is the Republican party, publicly deriding and undermining the current administration with calls of communism and socialism at every corner, all the while lining their pockets with what is fast becoming the official media outlet of the conservative movement.  This would be a perfectly normal occurrence, if you resided in North Korea, China, Cuba, Venezuela, or Iran.

Search for Missing Balloonists Called Off – In the words of Chazz Reinhold, “What an idiot!”  In all seriousness, I feel for the families, but I’d be pissed if I was an Italian tax payer paying for this search.  You want to take up adventure sports and fly around in a wicker basket despite several other perfectly sane modes of transportation that’s fine.  But don’t expect an all points bulletin when something literally takes the hot air out from under you.

Big Brother Champ Admits Guilt – It’s not necessarily because he was selling drugs that makes this guy an idiot, it’s the tax evasion charge.  You were on national television! Everyone knows you won.  This genius basically took the exact opposite route that most drug dealers/underworld figures take.  He won a completely legal large sum of cash, only to attempt some kind of bizarre reverse money laundering scheme. 

Hancock Tower Sells Again – The real estate firm said it has bought the John Hancock Tower for $930 million after a fierce bidding war over the signature tower. Boston Properties already owns the neighboring Prudential building.

            The owners who sold are laughing all the way to the bank.  For those who don’t remember, the Hancock tower was bought in 2009 as a foreclosed property for $660 million.  I’m not sure what economy Boston Properties (the new buyers) have been watching but I haven’t noticed a 30% uptick in real estate prices in the last 12 months.

Read it to Believe it – I’m sure the complete breakdown of states that allow guns in bars correlates very strongly to state funding for education.  The last thing these hicks need is a holstered gun while watching their favorite SEC football teams at their local saloon. I’ll have a sarsaparilla and a six shooter.

Shut Down the Border – First they’re causing multiple car pile ups and now they’re trafficking in designer drugs.  I’m not trying to pick on you Canada but seriously clean up your act.   It’s a sad state of affairs too when Canadians are pulling the wool over on us.  Give credit to the Mexicans, at least they’re keeping us on our toes with underground tunnels and human mules.  Canadians are just slipping it in with flannel shirts, syrup and Canadian bacon imports. 

Texting Ban

I know I’ve left you guys hanging waiting for my opinion on the recent texting while driving ban here in Mass.  Well wait no longer, here we go.

Fundamentally, it’s a great law.  I’m no Saint, I’ve attempted the old steer with your knees while focusing on a 3 inch screen routine a few times.  These attempts typically have the same ending, the car in front of me jamming on their breaks suddenly as they some how sensed my plan for productive driving, and a frustrated CW angrily tossing the cellular device aside in order to project his now pent up rage at anyone who dare come within a car length of him. 

The real problem with the law is it doesn’t address a whole host of issues of equal or greater danger to me and my fellow drivers:

1. Driving with Dog on Lap – These people rank pretty high up on my personal hate list.  To the people who would ban cell phone use all together I ask how is having a living, pissing, shitting, and general fidgeting animal on your lap more distracting than talking?  And the kicker is these are typically the people who expect the rest of us sane people to understand that their dogs are “their children.”  Well last I checked parents aren’t legally allowed to drive around with infants on their lap, they make car seats for that.
2. Canadians – I beg all of you to take caution on the highway when you see a Canadian license plate.  I know the great white north isn’t nearly as civilized and therefore populated as we are down here but there should be some understanding that you cannot just cut 3-4 lanes across the highway whenever you need to make an exit.  Our roads just aren’t that deserted.  Next time you see a truck roll over or jacknifed across the highway check the plates. 9 times out of 10 it'll be Canadian.
3. Woman applying make up -  This is pretty self explanatory.  Even while at home in front of a mirror you can’t do your eye lashes without squinting and contorting your lips, what makes you think its safe to take on this task using the 3x2 mirror in your visor while navigating red lights and pedestrian cross walks?

I’m sure there’s plenty more I’m missing, but I’m now running late for work.

Feel free to comment on some of your driving pet peeves (click into the blog title to find the comment section, it sucks but I haven’t figured out how to bring it to the front page yet).

Las Vegas Now in Possession of Intergalactic Weapon

Las Vegas Death Ray - Yes, guests at Vdara hotel in Las Vegas now have something else to worry about: being burned alive by the glare of the building's "death ray."

…What the heck's a "death ray," you ask? Well, first off, it's not as deadly as it sounds, since no one has actually died from it -- at least not yet. But according to the U.K. Daily Mail, the powerful beams of Nevada sunlight reflecting off the glass hotel onto sections of the hotel's swimming pool area have burned some guests and have melted plastic bags.

I mean really? There weren’t enough things to worry about in Vegas already?  Avoiding angry Asian dealers, finding the right balance between sleep and Red Bull, dehydration and heat exhaustion, hustlers, pimps, loan sharks, and illegal cabbies, there’s now a casino actively abusing guests? 

Part of me knows the owners of Vdara did this on purpose.  These guys aren’t dumb, I’m sure they were aware of the effect a gigantic glass and metal mirror placed under the desert sun would have. 

And its our own fault, it’s a sickness, a disease akin to the wife who keeps coming back to her abusive husband.  They take our money, force alcohol and pure oxygen on us to render us incapable of rational thought, and now you can add physical harm to the analogy.  The battered wife will always down play how bad it is, and tell you things are going to change, just like everyone coming back from Vegas underplays how much they lost and believes that if they just had a few more hours at the tables everything would have been different.

Thanks to AJ for the link.

Career Switch?

I watched a show last night on the “big business of garbage,” blew my mind.  The base starting salary for NYC Sanitation Department garbage men is $70k!  Sure when their day is up they probably smell worse than your average homeless village in the middle of the summer but I think I could handle that.  Fresh air (somewhat), exercise, and the thing I crave the most in a job, the ability to just shut your mind off and zone out for a few hours.  I mean that’s what it’s all about, no stress, just pure uninterrupted day dreaming.

It occurred to me while I was still scrambling through excel sheets at 7:45 last night that I’m being taken for a sucker.   Here I am putting in overtime (that I’m not going to be paid for) trying to ignore the United Nations cleaning crew while they blow dust into my cube and vacuum my area despite the countless rows of empty cubes they could otherwise be cleaning, knowing that Garbage Man Joe is out there toasting with his fellow trash pickers on their fat paychecks laughing at the rest of us that went to college and are stuck working in cube farms for longer hours and less pay. 

And the kicker is it’s probably a better career prospect as well. Banks and Finance seem to be comfortably seated on the toilet reading their Wall Street Journals, and just about any other office job is easily moveable to India and their billion person cheap labor work force (Have some respect India, make some demands, did you learn nothing from British occupancy? Frigen Ghandi, the man did nothing but leave your country in 3^rd world status).  So that leaves manual labor.  We’re going to run out trees and yards to landscape soon enough, and that just leaves garbage.

Then again, in the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “its probably a union thing.”

Fail Compilation Starting to Kick Off the Final 8 Hours

Nothing beats a great fail video, this is a great one.

Not the Wisest of Choices

Clubber Guenther Hart’s urinary actions short-circuited the electrics at Munich’s crowded Americanos club, forcing the club to throw all the clubgoers out and close down for the night.

Getting kicked out of the club was probably the least of this mans worries after the zap he undoubtedly experienced.  I've been there (electric cattle fence), and I can tell you this is one fool proof, yet foolish, way to test the conductivity of water.