Gov. Christie Goes All Jersey Shore on his Constituents

TMZ - Things got downright HOSTILE on the Jersey Shore last night -- with NJ Governor Chris Christie getting into a heated verbal altercation right on the boardwalk ... and it was all caught on tape...Christie got PISSED -- and while clutching his cone, shouted back at the guy, "You're a real big shot ... you're a real big shot shootin' your mouth off." The man shouted back, "Nah, just take care of the teachers!" The comment only inflamed Christie ... who aggressively marched towards the guy and warned, "Keep walkin' away ... really good ... keep walkin'."

What? You thought Chris Christie, one of the biggest Republican personalities (and probably the biggest Republican by volume), was going to be outdone by a couple of shoe throwing, gun wielding Jordanian political candidates? Please. Chris Christie is so Jersey Shore I can't even take it. GTL for life (in his case, Governing, Talking Shit, and Lap-band Surgery...seriously, do it. We can't afford to lose you and your blustery bravado).

Death of an Email Chain Legend

It finally happened...The daily e-mail chain that I've relied on to get through the last few years of work came to a screeching end this week.  Long time contributor (and a guy who's contributions around this blog attributed to, like, 3 posts) the Maestro up and quit his old job, which was apparently a joke, and got some new hot shot job where, amongst other things, he's worried about making a good impression and doing work related things that don't include tweeting and emailing his friends all day long. Suffice to say, I just don't get it.

In honor of one of the great work email chain era's of all time I thought I'd share with you his hilarious out of office message he left from his old work on his last day (I've blanked out the actual contact info):

From: The Maestro
Sent: Thursday, June 28, 2012 3:19 PM
To: CW
Subject: Out of Office:

Hi Friends-

As you may have realized, I've basically been using this as my personal email for the past year or two, but now I officially no longer work at (Workplace he hated omitted), and don't know when they're gonna shut this off. 

You can reach me at my personal email at (xxxxxxxxxxxxx).  In the unlikely event that its work related, please contact (xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx)  in my absence.

Thanks,

Maestro

Cracked me up. Works on so many levels. One last laugh for us on the email chain when we received it, one gigantic FU to his former workplace (those two lines, "I've basically been using this as my personal email," and "In the unlikely event that this is work related," are absolute classics). Brilliant.

But needless to say, I'm having a hard time adjusting, and frankly, I have no idea where to send humorous or interesting tidbits and links throughout the day. Like just yesterday I found a hilarious column I thought he'd enjoy, didn't know where to send it. Sent it to his personal address knowing that he presumably wouldn't see if for hours and wouldn't comment back. It was depressing. I think Red in The Shawshank Redemption summed up my lament best:

 "Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend"

Here's to the Maestro, a once great work e-mail contributor.

Detroit Reporter Golfs Across the City

Fox - Fox 2 reporter Charlie LeDuff took on the challenge to golf from 8 Mile Road to Belle Isle in Detroit -- literally. The journalist embarked on the 3,168 par course, carrying only four clubs and golfed his way, stroke by stroke, through the entire length of the Motor City. LeDuff's 'tournament' was called the I Love the D Invitational. Along the way he encountered various residents of the city and talked to them about local politics, laws, and the ways they think the city can improve.

You know what I'm betting they think they can improve? Not having a city so abandoned and worthless that some reporter can just go hacking his way across the town with a 3 Wood and a couple of wedges.

Seriously, think about that for a second. One time when I was like, 12,13 or so, right when the Tiger Woods rage was just heating up, before he'd probably even dreamed that his golf fame could lead him to countless three ways with high class escorts and B-List Porn stars, I tried this trick in my parents front yard.

I'd just watched one of the majors, either the Masters or The US Open  I believe, and I'd become enthralled by the tight tree lined fairways, I thought it'd be so cool to smash a drive down a similar view. So I did what any impressionable kid would do...I took my driver and tee'd up a ball in my front yard aiming square down the street (which happens to be lined with trees) and imagined it was the fairway at August instead of a paved road, with the houses obviously just being members of the gallery.

Well I smacked that thing...unfortunately I had a pretty bad slice back in those days, instead of flying straight down the hallway into the empty lot at the end of the street it flew straight for about 30 yards, veered right, I heard a knocking sound and sprinted into my garage...didn't play on the front lawn again for another week or so just in case.

But I guess in Detroit this is just kinda common place. Better to have your house hit with an errant Titlist than a bullet. 

Poltical Debate in Jordan Escalates Quickly into Old Fashioned Duel

Just a hunch, but I'm guessing they've got more serious shit to argue about than things like universal healthcare and corporate tax loopholes. Like, if I had to guess, the man on the left definitely shorted the man on the right a cow or two in exchange for agreeing to do this debate.

All-star move by that guy ducking the shoe toss behind the desk by the way. No hesitation whatsoever, desk up, head down. Something tells me this guys a veteran of these political debates.

Guy with the gun on the other hand...good luck getting elected. I'd say pulling a gun on national television put you behind the 8 ball right away, and you didn't help yourself from there just waving the thing around and then sheepishly putting it back in your pocket...if you're going to take action, take action, if there's one thing the public hates it's indecisiveness, you pull a gun on TV you have to use it, bottom line. Shamed your whole village.

Man's Beat Up Car Nears 3 Million Mile Mark

Fox News - Gordon's small, red two-door has well more than 2 million miles on the odometer, the equivalent of nearly 1,176 times across the globe. The retired schoolteacher from Long Island hopes to reach the 3 million mile mark by next year. He only has 34,000 miles to go. The 72-year-old Gordon drives his Volvo everywhere. He has held the Guinness World Records mark for High Mileage Vehicle since 2002 and was the first person to hold that record. "It's just a car I enjoy driving," he said. He bought his beloved car on June 30, 1966, for $4,150 at the age of 25. "It was a whole year's salary," he said...Gordon has been taking road trips since he was a kid and continued through his adult years. He says he would just tell his family to pack their things and hit the road. Gordon's two daughters went on his road trips until they outgrew the tiny red car. "They just couldn't fit in the back anymore. That is when I bought the station wagon," he explained. "Volvo, of course." Now divorced, Gordon takes road trips alone. 

 Shocking. Who'd have thunk the guy driving around in a 46 year old jalopy with spare parts spilling out the trunk would be divorced?

I guess my question is, why wouldn't you sell it, at least after the first million or two? You've already broken the record, it'll last long after your death I'd imagine, aren't you tired of having to tinker around under the hood just to drive down to Dunks?

Especially this day in age, I'm sure Volvo is bombarding him with those 5x8 post cards in the mail promising to pay 10% above the KBB value, no?

Get a Load of these Absolute Dorks

Fucking geeks, right? Oh wait, that's Taylor Swift hanging out with Arnold Schwarzeneggers son? For real?

Well that just killed the Taylor swift allure. She looks like a gangly 11th grader with braces who couldn't be bothered to do her hair before showing up for first period math because she was too tired from studying geometry equations late into the night because she's worried about getting into Harvard even though she's never gotten anything lower than an A in her life...Dork.

And that's not to mention the fact that Patrick Schwarzenegger looks...simple.

FCC Ends Long National Nightmare: No More Loud Commercials!

Sun Times - The Federal Communications Commission announced Tuesday it has adopted regulations requiring broadcasters and cable and satellite TV systems to maintain constant volume levels. The order, which goes into effect in one year, “says commercials must have the same average volume as the programs they accompany,” says FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski...“It is a problem that thousands of viewers have complained about, and we are doing something about it,” Genachowski says...“Slowly but surely, consumers are going to get something they have been wanting,” says David Butler of the Consumers Union. “I never characterized this as saving the Union,” says Rep. Anna Eshoo, D-Calif., the original sponsor of the bill. “But consumers have been asking for it. We may not have peace in the world, but we may have more peaceful homes.”

There are Senators and Representatives who work on things like the Budget Committee, the Armed Services Committee, The Appropriations and Finance committee, The Waste Everyones Time Holding Various Steroid Hearings Committee, etc... Very important sounding committees on paper, but ultimately useless wastes of times because no one can ever agree on anything and everything just gets deadlocked and goes no where.

Then there are true American political heroes, ones like Rep. Anna Eshoo of California, who saw a problem, cut through the red tape, and got shit done. Overly loud commercials have plagued my TV viewing experience basically ever since Continental Cablevision placed their first cable box in my household like 20 years ago. It's annoying, it's intrusive, and it's presumably led to countless divorces with husbands and wives yelling at each other to turn the TV down, with the other one yelling back that, "IT'S JUST THE COMMERCIALS, I DON'T WANT TO TURN IT DOWN NOW JUST TO TURN IT BACK UP AGAIN IN TWO MINUTES WHEN MY SHOW COMES BACK ON!" (am I right?).

Well no more. David Butler doesn't want to characterize this bill as saving the Union, so I'll do it for him. This was one of the biggest perturbances in modern America, and soon, it'll be history, thanks to the actions of a brave handful of Americans willing to stand up against the seedy National Loud Commercials Consortium. A great day for America, A great day for Americans.

Massachusetts Man's Homemade Cannon Misfires, Blasts Holes in Neighbors House

Boston News, Weather, Sports | FOX 25 | MyFoxBoston

GARDNER (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) – A Gardner couple who recently moved into their new home on Cleveland Road is thankful that their holiday plans took them out-of-state after their neighbor's homemade cannon malfunctioned and sent bits of shrapnel through their home...Williams' neighbor reportedly had a homemade cannon in his backyard. The cannon which was made out of an old cast iron pipe and some gunpowder malfunctioned and exploded on July 3 sending bits of shrapnel into both his neighbors' homes. "It came with so much force, it went straight through and made a massive hold on the inside," Williams said. "Within inches, it easily could have taken out the electrical and caused a fire."

Simply put there are neighbors who are gun nuts, and there are neighbors who build their own homemade cannons...You can guess which one I'd rather live next to.

All offense to the gun nuts, I'm taking the homemade cannon guy every day of the week. Instead of having to listen to some guy with an army locker and a militia sized cache of weapons in his bedroom ramble on about the Second Amendment, the impending British invasion, and the principles of the NRA, I'd much rather hang out with these dudes who were presumably shit-housed when they decided to load an old metal pipe that had been kicking around in their garage, with various household objects to see how far they could launch them...those guys sound like fun.

PS: I love that this cannon has wheels and is mobile...take note all you Second Amendment enthusiasts, you guys can preach on all day, store as many hand guns and rifles as you want...when the Red Coats show up at my door with muskets and bayonets demanding I quarter them, I'll be sitting pretty with my cannon.

Japanese Create First Robo-Ass

The thing about the Japanese is, I'm pretty sure they could have solved world hunger, AIDS, various forms of cancer, and even gingivitis if that's what they were interested in...Instead they continue to just churn out digital cameras and progressively more life-like sex toys.

And make no mistake about it, that's exactly what that is. I know the reporter tried to sell it as "an important step in developing a fully functional robot, but honestly, she's not fooling anyone. You're creating a robot you're starting with the arms and legs, everyone knows that...in fact I'm not even sure what a robot would need a life like butt for besides kinky man on robot loving. That butt has one purpose, and one purpose only, and it's got nothing to do with recreating Rosie from the Jetsons.

I did always wish Rosie had a more life like bubble butt though...