My Laptop Just Shit Itself

Welp, that's it folks.  My laptop just up and quit this morning.  Woke up ready to go about my usual blogging routine and was met with confusing array of blinking lights and beeping noises. The screen just straight up refusing to come on, didn't even get to hear the charming windows log in music one more time, it just can't get that far.  A sad, sad day.  It was a beast in its time, in both size and performance, but now it's day has come.  

That said, if the blog is lacking this week its because I'm making do with a 10 inch netbook until I find the Beast's heir apparent.  And while I love the convenience, portability, and overall quickness of this netbook, The Beast she aint.  No one's ever run a fledgling blog empire on a 10 inch mini before and I can understand why.  

The bright side? I do get to go search out new technology, a favorite pass-time of mine.  Do I go with one of those cool looking all in one PC's? Another gigantic 17 inch laptop? Do I check out that deal I keep seeing on TV where you buy a laptop and get a new XBOX? So many options and choices to review in the next few days.  Until then bear with me as my seemingly gigantic hands adjust to this tiny keyboard.

Lawrence, MA's Semi-Annual Day Where Police Actually Do Their Job was this Past Week.

LAWRENCE (FOX 25 / MyFoxBoston.com) - Massachusetts state police swept the city of Lawrence today, making dozens of arrests for outstanding warrants. Many residents got wake-up calls by police officers and federal agents. One-by-one, 39 people were arrested and arraigned in Lawrence District Court on outstanding warrants. State and local police worked with federal agencies bring the suspects in on everything from felony crimes and money owed to the court to larceny and weapons charges...

Ahh, my favorite semi-annual Lawrence news story.  The old "we've been lazy about actually arresting people with warrants out, hoping they'd turn themselves in and now we have to go out and do some actual police work today, lets alert the local media and round up these criminals today" day.  

Here's an idea, just go arrest these guys when the warrant is orginally served.  I mean what kind of message are we sending here? Giving 6 month notice prior to arrests? And in a city like Lawrence? How many of those warrants did you go to serve only to find out they targets fled to their native Dominican Republic? 50%? 

Complete incompetency.

Google's Got Some Obvious Suggestions for Chris Bosh

I was trying to find some material to make fun of Chris Bosh with following his sorry fainting spell in the runway after their loss in the finals.  Sadly it doesn't seem like much footage has made its way to the internets yet. Fortunately, Google did the work for me.

I challenge anyone to find another athlete where the second suggestion from Google is "gay" after their name.   You can't do it.  90% of the time its something like highlights, stats, GF, Wife, or something like "shoes."  Some get gay thrown in there but its way down on the list.  Hell even notoriously rumored gay athletes like Eddie George and Kordell Stewart don't even pop that high up on the list.  It doesn't even pop on Arod's list, which to me, is astounding. 

Connecticut Man Believe's He's Part of International Terror Plot When He Mistakenly Receives a Fedex Package

COLUMBIA — Police cars, a firetruck and the Mid-Missouri Bomb Squad lined a section of Walnut Street between Fifth and Seventh streets in response to the delivery of a suspicious package to the Columbia Police Department. A Columbia man brought the package to the front desk of the department and told police he had received it at his home. He was concerned with what looked like Arabic writing on the label, Sgt. Jill Wieneke of the Columbia Police Department said. The man, who lives on the southwest side of town, told police the package was labeled with the correct address but was not addressed to him, Wieneke said. Police removed the package from the building and set it outside on Sixth Street between Walnut and Broadway, she said. The bomb squad arrived at about 5:50 p.m. and X-rayed the package about 25 minutes later. The bomb squad cut out the bottom of the package and revealed a piece of household electronic equipment, which the bomb squad determined was harmless, Wieneke said. She said the name on the package appeared to be an Arabic name, but there was no other Arabic writing on it.

Get a load of this guy, just some average Joe living in Connecticut, thinks he's part of some international terrorism plot? Come on bro, use your head.

In the words of George Costanza: "What, did you think its a bomb? Oh, the ego on you. Who's going to bomb you?"

Me? I could be bomb worthy, I've taken my fair share of shorts at everyone from the disabled, elderly, religious, extremists, Arabs, Canadians, Germans, handicaps, babies, minorities, the deceased, the list goes on and on.  But you? You're just some schmuck. 

Seriously, I'm fairly certain Moammar Gaddafi and his men have a few other things on their mind right now, they don't have time to be overnighting bombs to your average WASP in America, don't flatter yourself.

Next time just do what CW does when he gets an errant package.  Open it up, if you like it, keep it, if not just send it back and apologize for opening it before you read the label.  I just assumed that's what everyone does.

Lebron James' Thoughts on Choking and Losing the Championship are 100% Right

ESPN - “All the people that were rooting me on to fail, at the end of the day they have to wake up tomorrow and have the same life they had before,” James said. “They have the same personal problems they had to today. I’m going to continue to live the way I want to live and continue to do the things that I want with me and my family and be happy with that.” “They can get a few days or a few months or whatever the case may be on being happy that not only myself, but the Miami Heat not accomplishing their goal,” James said. “But they’ll have to get back to the real world at some point.” 

It's hard for me to admit this, because I hate him so much, but Lebron James is dead on, 100% right here. I mean yea I'm basking in his failed glory this morning, but I'm also up at 8 AM, getting ready for a job I strongly dislike, dealing with some sort of mid-summer allergy situation that's got my nose running like a faucet, and still wishing I could just go and do whatever the hell I want to do without worrying about the future and responsibilities.  

Basically I want to live like a 5 year old, and quite frankly, that's exactly what LBJ gets to do, despite his horrific failures time and time again.  Yea he may have cooler toys, a Bentley in place of the big wheels, probably a home gym instead of a hoop attached to the garage, but everything equal he's a 5 year old kid and he loves every minute of it. 

That's probably why he seems so dis-engaged in late game playoff situations, because he's already won the championship so many times in his driveway or home gym in his vivid, child-like imagination.  Just posting up imaginary defenders, throwing spin moves against the air, shit he probably prematurely celebrates in his fantasies too.  

So don't tell him he hasn't won anything yet, he's won 1000 times in his mind, and this morning he's probably waking up and doing it all over again, meanwhile I'm trying to figure out how many  more days until retirement...and I'm the same age as him.

Is this News Anchor Banging her Intern?

I have a strong suspicion there's at least one teen intern nodding approvingly off camera, he couldn't agree more.

Rich White Woman Showers Poor Mexicans With Clothing from the Dollar Store

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OCEANSIDE —  A bizarre scene unfolded inside a discount store in Oceanside Wednesday afternoon as a 66-year-old white woman, intent on buying things for “poor Mexican women” paid for $5,000 worth of clothing purchased by about 50 women.  The night before, Claudia Smith, who lives in the neighborhood, had walked into the same store, and bought $2,200 worth of clothing for a handful of customers.... The question was why. The answer, very confusing. At times Wednesday, Smith screamed out “Aye, Aye Aye Aye, Ayeeeeee!” while standing in the store...“You’d better laugh when I’m around!” she yelled. She loudly proclaimed her love for Mexican women. She used profanities directed at men in a steady stream, then moments later held a toddler in her arms.  Smith said she has been “drinking and drugging” since she was 15. She said she was not under the influence Wednesday, but admitted she suffered through a five-month long alcohol and drug blackout not long ago and had entertained suicidal thoughts. Store manager Paola Garcia said Smith walked into the store Tuesday night and told the handful of customers inside to buy whatever they wanted. There were just a few people there, and they bought everything they could get their hands on. Nothing in the store sells for more than $9.99. At one point Smith screamed at one woman, “Get out, Get out,” apparently because she wasn’t from Mexico. Almost the next moment she was holding a small child telling the girl how much she loved her.

This might be my favorite story I've ever read, just hysterical nugget after hysterical nugget.  But there is almost too much going on to even blog about it.  I mean you got this woman buying up the store at some Dollar Mart or something like that and giving all the shit to exclusively Mexican women, calling out non-mexicans, screaming out "undelay undelay, arrrrreeeeebaaa like Speedy Fucking Gonzalez, and telling small children she loves them for good measure. 

I guess the one question I'm left with is, is she serious or is she making fun of these Federali Motel Maids?  I don't particularly care either way, its just two different types of comedy depending on the answer. 

If she's dead serious then the jokes about her and how absolutely bat shit crazy she is, rolling up in her Lexus and making it rain cheap fabric garments on these Migrant Worker Wives.

If she's making fun of them, well this might be the most philanthropic dark joke of all time.  

PS: How did a $7K spending spree not wipe out this store? Like how much inventory of cheap shit clothing can you possibly keep in stock? 

 
That's all folks, have a great weekend, I'm off celebrating my birthday in style in Newport...See yaaaa.

One Armed Man Robs Bank in Albany...And Apparently Gets Away?

ALBANY -- City police on Tuesday were searching for a man who single-handedly robbed SEFCU at 16 New Scotland Ave. Police say that a 5' 9'' white male walked into the credit union branch just after noon Tuesday and demanded money. The man did not show any weapon, nor imply that he had one, police said. A teller gave him an undisclosed amount of money, which the suspect placed in a black plastic bag, according to police. No one was injured in the incident. Police described the suspect as missing his left arm from the elbow down, wearing a white baseball cap, oversized white T-shirt and denim shorts.

Huge week for less than two armed hellions, huh?

This couldn't have been too hard to solve though, obviously an inside job.  How do I know this? Because how could a one armed robber simultaneously slip a note to the teller and hold him up with a gun at the same time? Answer, he couldn't. It's one or the other for this dude.  Teller had to be on it.  Like if I roll into TD Bank tomorrow with a post it note asking for money and nothing but a smile on my face I don't think I'm walking out with the loot.

Curious question though, what was the get away plan here? I mean you can't just hop on a bus or the subway with a sack of money with a huge ass $ sign on it, dead give away.  And as far as I know one armed perps can't drive cars, and the article mentions no driver accomplices. So what was his end game here? To make off on foot?

PS: Ok, so now I'm more confused, actually read the article this time through, the guy is still on the lamb? How is this possible? How did he get away? And how don't they know his name yet? How many one armed bank robbers are there in Albany? Like are they cross checking tips people are calling in against known one armed people databases.  This shouldn't be this difficult. Again, the guy has one arm!

Alabama Now Has Toughest Immigration Laws in the US...Not that Anyone Immigrated there anyway.

(Reuters) - Republican Governor Robert Bentley on Thursday signed into law a crackdown on illegal immigration in Alabama that both supporters and critics consider the toughest in the nation. "We have a real problem with illegal immigration in this country," Bentley said after signing the law. "I campaigned for the toughest immigration laws, and I'm proud of the Legislature for working tirelessly to create the strongest immigration bill in the country."

Umm, yea the country has an immigration problem, but Alabama doesn't...What is this preventing? Cubans from crossing the border from Florida into Alabama? I don't get it, what am I missing?

Look at that map. You have virtually no coast line, no foreign borders, no real economy to speak of, and no attractions that make your state worth traveling to outside of maybe college football, but I don't think illegal immigrants are big into the Iron Bowl.

I guess my point is, you're Alabama.  You should be welcoming diversity any way you can get it, legal or otherwise.  Hell a few illegal immigrant peso's every now and then might actually help your state.