Hardcore Xbox Trash Talking Caught on Video (Bonus, liberal use of the N-word!)

DAMN! Xbox is hard as fuck!.  My unit got the 3 red lights of death like 3 years ago, never felt compelled to get it fixed, until just now.

Shit has apparently gotten real serious since  I left the Xbox community.  First of all, I didn't even know you could send voice mails, never mind thought out the possibilities rants and trash talking laden with racial profanities that you could send smug gamer nerds.  I would have been all about that.  

Half the reason I haven't bothered to get the Xbox fixed is because of those nerds, CW couldn't even play a simple session of Halo with out getting his ass blown up every 3.5 seconds, that wasn't fun.  Just once I would have liked to enter a session with people like me, normal folk who have other priorities than getting their gamer rank up.  

If I'd known I could have gone around offending people throwing out "good games" and leaving hardcore profanity laced voicemails I would have been much more on board.

Michigan Teen Got Raptured Like You Read About

MLive - They jumped off the bridge into the Kalamazoo River to celebrate that the world did not end. But that spontaneous celebration resulted in the apparent drowning of a 18-year-old Kalamazoo youth. Two hours later, Jordan Skinner-Knapp was standing in the parking lot of Comstock's Merrill Park. Still wet, he was thinking about his friend, Anthony Alexander Johnson, who was swept away in the river's current. Jordan, 15, said he and a group of five friends went to Merrill Park on Saturday, the day the world was suppose to end according to a highly publicized prediction by evangelist Harold Camping. Jordan said they told Johnson to not go into the water because he said he couldn't swim well.

You just got Raptured.

Looks like the rapture didn’t sneak by so quietly after all…Like hey kids, you may want to give it a few minutes, maybe your clocks and watches weren’t completely synched up to Rapture time? Or maybe shit was going down in some other time zone you weren’t aware of.  All I’m saying is I didn’t really breathe easy until about 9:05 Eastern time, when I knew it was clear cut that the continental United States had all made it past the 6pm rapture deadline.  Once it was beyond the coast of CA I couldn’t have cared less what happened, sorry Alaska and Hawaii(but lets be honest, you guys really do your own thing 95% of the time anyway, only come back to be part of the union once every 4 years to vote). 

By the way, just cuz the rapture passed doesn’t mean you’re all of a sudden invincible.  If you couldn’t swim 10 minutes ago, you still can’t, especially not in a freezing cold river. Of course common sense seems to escape most delusional doomsday believers.

The Asian News Communit Really Captured the Spirit of the Rapture (video)

Credit the Asian cartoon news community, this is legit the best explanation of what was to be the Rapture yet. Not gonna lie, even with all that was reported on it the past few weeks, I wasn't quite sure what we were supposed to expect, gonna be honest, I would have been a bit more on board if I'd seen this ahead of time.  

Ghosts just high fiving people, skeletons riding horses and decapitating the heathens, and alians ripping bong hits of Earth, the whole thing seems pretty bad-ass if you ask me, kinda disappointed we missed it now.

Though, I do have to wonder about Asian morals, I mean was that Hitler in heaven standing along side MJ at the 50 second mark (pictured below)?  That seems odd, no?

NFL Players Hire Ray Lewis to Negotiate on Their Part, Threatens Owners with Crime Out of Boredom

ESPN - One of the consequences of a lost NFL season will be an increase in crime, Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis said in a wide-raging one-on-one interview with ESPN... "Do this research if we don't have a season -- watch how much evil, which we call crime, watch how much crime picks up, if you take away our game," Lewis told ESPN's Sal Paolantonio. That's because, Lewis said, the NFL lockout affects "way more than us" -- the owners and the players. "There's too many people that live through us, people live through us," he said. "Yeah, walk in the streets, the way I walk the streets, and I'm not talking about the people you see all the time."When asked why he thought crime would increase if the NFL doesn't play games this year, Lewis said: "There's nothing else to do Sal."

Umm, someone better get Ray Lewis an offseason job, and quick.  Trust me Ray, we believe you, no one wants to see you bored. I mean you stabbed a guy the night before you played in the Super Bowl, I can't even imagine what you do when you've got this much down time, and frankly I don't want to, probably planning mass genocides over seas.

And he wasn't even bored that night.

And I know he's crazy as fuck, just teetering on the edge every single day of his life, but I do wonder if the players association paid him to come out all crazy eyed, speaking in his hushed tones, threatening to kill people out of boredom as a brilliant negotiating move.  There can't be a rich white owner in the game who didn't shit themselves just a little bit watching that.  Not the man you want upset at you, guys, better get this thing fixed. 

People of Walmart, Now in Music Video Form!

Favorite line: "No Shirt, No Shoes, Oops I took a Poop"

It's like I've met my kindred blogging spirit, only in video form, and way more creative than my usual snarky rants.  

I seriously wonder if I could convince this talented, once in a generation, visionary of an artist to provide original content once in a while, this is definitely what this blog lacks, original awesome content.  Sadly I'm not the guy for that job. I'm much more content and suited for making fun of other people's work. 

By the way, went to Target last night, they are definitely winning this battle.  They had a full on Starbucks inside, genius.  Clearly looking to attract, the clean, civilized human beings (and myself) and their disposable incomes...As opposed to land monsters and creatures on government assistance.  That's no way to build a business.

I think Ron Artest May Be A Hipster (video evidence)

You know how I know Ron Artest is truly crazy (you know, aside from the normal visual evidence he provides)?

Ron Artest posts his phone number on Twitter. He has met up with fans to play Monopoly. He met his next door neighbor and found out she was a musician and recorded a country music song with her. He asked his fans on twitter one night what they were all doing and then showed up at a random Filipino family’s home to have dinner with them and sing karaoke (legit video footage above). And he tracked down John Green, the man who threw the drink on him in Auburn Hills that sparked the fight that nearly derailed his career, and called him up on the phone to apologize and to see if they could work together.

Turns out he's more than just crazy, huh? Ron Artest is a full blown hipster.  Meeting up for beach bbq's with random vato's, karaoking at some Filipino families house (I'm just glad they were Asian and had a spare digital camera or 4 to record this moment), and recording country music songs?   That's as Hipster as it gets my friends. Sure he might not dress the part, but then again he has a real job and real money so he doesn't have to shop the local thrift stores.

In all seriousness though, Ron Artest is the most interesting man in the NBA, right?  He presumably bowls overhand and pounds Dos Equis? I mean I used to assume his career would end in a homicidal rage but now I just kinda feel left out not living in the same area as he does.  Any chance the Celts could trade for this guy so I could hit him up on Twitter and see if he'd like to share a Scorpion Bowl at Kowloon? I think he'd be down for that.

Do Backyard Ninja's and Storm Trooper Raise Property Values?

Just once I wish I lived next to one of these backyard ninja's or Storm Troopers, can't hurt property values, right? Crime rates probably drop to 0, no need for Neighborhood Watch or Crime Dog McGruff, this guy's got that shit on lock with his energy swords. 

And say what you want, he's a dork, a nerd, the swords are plastic and wouldn't hurt anyone, etc... All true.  But there is also something a little un-nerving about a grown man in his backyard filming laser sword routines.  Just the right kind of crazy that'll make you think before you rob this guys home or any of his neighbors. Do you really know what he's capable of? No, you don't.

PS: Do you need a permit for light sabers?  Seems like something you'd some kind of burn/firearm permit combo.

Sorry Guys, The Tab's Taking the Day Off

Sorry ya'll, just a day off from the blog to recharge my batteries.  I'll be honest, I was completely unprepared this morning, went to the sox last night, got in late and now have nothing ready to go.  Didn't even snag a funny story on the subway, which previous to yesterday I figured was impossible. 

We'll be back full for tomorrow, as snarky and cynical as ever, until then I'll leave you with my favorite Stay at Home Dad video, a shoe in for Father of the year.

Stay At Home Dad Channel
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Brothers Arrested During Machete vs: Crow Bar Fight

PITTSFIELD (AP) - A Pittsfield man and his brother are facing assault charges after the Pittsfield man was knocked unconscious in a "very bloody" brawl with his brother that involving a machete and a crowbar. Police said Thursday the fight began after 55-year-old Paul Kwasniowski of Pittsfield attacked his brother, 59-year-old John of Las Vegas, at his Pittsfield house Wednesday. John said he disarmed his younger brother by hitting him with a crowbar. Officials said Paul, who ran unsuccessfully for Pittsfield mayor in 2009, was knocked unconscious and was taken to Berkshire Medical Center. Officials said he suffered a skull fracture. John pleaded not guilty Thursday to an assault charge in Central Berkshire District Court. Paul also faces assault charges. It was unclear if the men had attorneys.

If I had a nickel for every brotherly tussle I've had in my life with my inferior in every way younger brother, I'd be rich, and never once did the cops interfere, and that's the way it should have been here.  

Sure in our case we were more horse playing than anything, worst thing that could have happened was one of us cracking our head on the fireplace or something (or that one time I caught him in the face with a bat, but that was a total accident) but really it's not all that different from your standard brotherly machete/crow bar fight.  In fact, if my parents had been wise enough to keep machetes in the home I'm sure we'd have been delighted to duel. 

And I'd still maintain that it would have been none of the police's business. As long as its a fair fight they have the right to work it out amongst themselves.  And a machete vs crow bar is as fair as it gets (if the fight had taken place while riding motorcycles it would have been the exact settings of Sega's Roadrash).  

PS: Wonder why he lost the election for Mayor, seems like a stable, qualified person.