Holiday Karma In the Form of a Woman Driver

I could just sit back make the typical "woman driver haha" jokes.  Or I could comment on the fact that she spent time digging out her front tires despite the fact that her car is rear wheel drive, never mind the idiotic "leave the car in drive and push from behind" move she pulled.  Just legendary decisions being made left and right.

But instead I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.  This guy made the mistake of mocking her from his ivory tower without helping and look what happened. Bitch ran his house over, and looks like she's about to pull a hit and  run.  You think that was an accident?  Women may be terrible drivers but I'm pretty sure they can avoid the sides of buildings, this was clearly planned.  As the saying goes, "Hell Hath No Furry Like A Woman Scorned. "

People Like Listening to Andy Gresh?

Let me preface this by saying I love sports talk radio.  Nothing makes a work day, long drive, or traffic jam seem more tolerable than listening to people just like yourself, who may care a bit too much about sports, banter on about tedious details and illogical arguments.  It's fantastic.  

That said, I change the channel away from the Sports Hub the second that Andy Gresh comes on air.  It's not that he's loud, obnoxious, and strays away from the topic all the time, that's 90% of sports talk radio hosts.  Its his voice.  The guy constantly sounds like he's choking down a lump of turkey meat that's been lodged in his gullet since last holiday season.  

And this shouldn't be taken as an anti-fat or out of shape people rant.  This is strictly about the sound of his voice.  I'm not exactly the model of good health and shape myself.  I get more winded than Tony Soprano eating a plate of pasta when I walk up the stairs at work.

This is a voice that just shouldn't be on radio.  You can literally hear the tiny food particles and spit coming out during chortles or particularly loud arguments.  On TV? Sure I don't mind it.  There are visuals to distract me from his heinous guttural voice.  The guy sounds like Chris Farley shortly before he croaked.  Farley, hilarious person, always made me laugh, would fail miserably as an on air personality. Sports Hub, if you want to supplant WEEI you're going to have to work on Gresh's gullet. 

Soccer Wrap Up Week 7: Shut Out!

B8 dominated a testy affair from start to finish last night, no one's quite sure what the final score was, but if I had to guess it was something along the lines of 15-Nil (not an exaggeration, if anything I'm underselling the final score).  

Led by Captain FatAss the opposing team was doomed from the get go, approaching our team to see if we'd agree to play a man down because they only had one sub (meaning fatty didn't feel much like running).  B8, like a bunch of sharks in the water smelt the chum and attacked relentlessly from the opening whistle. 

Things got a bit testy when the aforementioned Fat Bastard shoved Mazz to the ground, presumably out of frustration (Mazz is the Cortland Finnegan of our league, seemingly always in the middle of these things).  Threats of meeting outside (its Co-ed B League soccer, you may have issues) from the opposition were laughed off, and in the second half the domination continued. 

Our own team short handed, the goal scoring was spread around quite evenly, with everyone getting in on the action, Ross, Mazz, Kathryn, Dan, Andrea, and Nicole all finding the back of the net.  Noticeably missing from the score sheet? CW, not for lack of effort though, I was busy posting a shut out from net, no big deal (not that I didn't take a few full field cracks at the net, just wasn't meant to be last night).  

I was going to steal the game ball for myself, but upon further review its going to Nicole.  Notching goals, and stonewalling the opposition on defense multiple times, a great all around game. 

The post game handshake was a fairly contentious and surreal experience.  One member of team fat, stressed saying Happy Holidays to our team, but I couldn't help but feel as though he was saying it in a threatening manner.  I didn't know it was possible to make the phrase "Happy Holidays" sound like an invitation to fight, but this douche pulled it off.  

The villain of the game (Bobby Moynihan from SNL doppelganger) apologized for his previously insane actions.  Upon not receiving an apology in return from Mazz (for falling down when shoved I guess?) he proceed to mutter and rant under his breath and point fingers calling us "major dick heads." Good one.  You may want to consider finding another outlet for your insanity other than Co-ed B-League Soccer, I hear taking headers off bridges is good for people in your condition. 

Team record to date 3-3-1.  We've reached .500 coach.

People I Hate: Beer Snobs

I hate that frigen guy.  HATE.  Look, I enjoy a good beer every now and then, even buy a special sixer on the rare occasion that I feel like classing it up. But I absolutely loathe those among you that look down on us commoners going about our business sipping on one of the Holy Trinity (Bud, Budlight, Budlight Lime).  

Don't be an asshole or pretend like you have some sophisticated pallet that the rest of us don't have.  You know why I'm pounding this golden light beer instead of that glass of brown bread? Because I plan on staying out tonight and having an awesome time and worrying about Bud-Mud the next morning, not frantically searching for a bathroom stall to drop the inevitable enormous deuce you're going to have to in the next hour. Hey buddy, all that talk about hoppy aromas, bouquets and other lame shit, it all smells the same coming out the other end, doesn't it.

And to the 21 and 22 year olds who seem to get wrapped up in Beer Snobbery; I know your balls just dropped for the first time and you're now able to browse the liquor store instead of getting in and out with the Silver Bullet as fast as you can.  But guess what?  That micro brew you just bought? You didn't discover it.  And I know some of you try to do it to impress girls with your new found sophistication.  That's the dumbest idea you've had yet.  That girl at the bar? She's not impressed by your douchebaggery.  All she wants to know is if you're going to have enough cash after you just bought an 8 dollar beer to buy her next Cap n' Coke. 

So think before you drink this holiday season.  Is ordering that overly expensive beer and acting like a talking asshole worth it? Or would you be better off sticking to good old reliable Bud Light, or BL Lime if you're looking to spice it up.  Its delicious.

Kid Hates His Books From Santa

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Good for you kid.  I'd react the same way if I got books for Christmas.  Books, Turtlenecks, mittens and underwear. If you're a kid under the age of 8 those are just ruining your holiday season.

And I know as parents sometimes your kid just needs these things. It's part of being a good parent, you don't want to raise some illiterate, freezing cold, commando-freeballer, I get it.  But just don't expect your child to react like a bundle of joy when he's sees a box from JC Penny or Barnes & Noble on the label.  Kid wants a video game system mom and dad.

And before anyone tells me that video is old, or they've seen it elsewhere, just know I don't really give a shit.  Its new to me and I'm running this show.

HAPPY FESTIVUS EVERYONE!

 

Happy Festivus everyone, no snarky comments for this blog.  I'll air my grievances later today (and trust me, I got alot of problems with people).

If anyone is considering celebrating Festivus this year for the first time I highly suggest you check out this site for all your aluminum pole needs.

For the rest of you, check back shortly, it'll be another active day for the Alt-Tab.

Last Minute Shopping: A Tale of Two Malls

Mission accomplished.  That would have been the title of this blog had I just stuck to the script and visited only one mall.  Unfortunately somewhere along the way I got too cocky, thought I could rise above the holiday madness, and decided to journey on to a second mall.  This was a big mistake. 

Upon arriving at the first mall (Square 1 Mall for those of you who are wondering) CW noted the ease of parking and lack of crowds (compared to what was expected anyway).  Items were briskly acquired at a pace of one every 6:03 minutes. An excellent pace, should have been home by lunch.  Things, however, would take a horrible turn at the last store on the list. 

Lacking the item I was searching for I had the manager check out back, big surprise, it wasn't there either (I'm fairly certain nothing is kept out back at any store).  The manager insisted on calling another location nearby, I foolishly allowed this.  Emboldened with the news that the other store had the item I was in pursuit of I forged on, northward to the Burlington Mall (if this were accompanied by audio you'd hear ominous thunder and howling winds forshadowing the events to come).  

Though my GPS monitors traffic I ignored its numerous robotic pleas to exit the highway prematurely and travel on the back road.  "I know better than a machine" I thought.  No, I don't.  Approximately 1.5 miles prior to the exit traffic came to a stand still.  Faced with sitting in traffic and being overcome with road rage I did what any sensible masshole would do, switched lanes, sped ahead, and cut back onto the exit ramp at the last second.  "This isn't going to be so bad after all" I thought.  Yes it was.  

Three traffic jams in the parking lot later I had finally found a parking spot.  Upon exiting my vehicle I peered into the distance, I saw what looked to be the mall roughly 1 Klick in the distance.  It was at this time I regretted not packing a holiday shopping survival kit.  Failing to have worn suitable outdoor apparel for the snow squall I was facing I briskly jogged through the parking lot, dodging cars and unruly children alike until I reached the entrance.  

Upon entering the large department store my spirits immediately sunk.  Not only was the store not set up in the same manner as the previous one, but this one had an additional 3rd floor.  Downtrodden but still determined I set out on foot to navigate the maze of perfume sprayers, floor sales people, and obnoxiously ignorant customers.  

Finally, midway through the second floor I found the item I had been questing for.  Hurriedly rushing to the cashiers counter I noted that I had 15 minutes before the morning sale was over and the price spiked back upward.  "Perfect timeing," I foolishly thought.

As is typical in large department stores the cashiers counter was undermanned by two senior citizen women, spending more time gabbing, bagging, and struggling to read their computer screen monitor than actually checking people out.  Anxiously I watched the minutes run down on the sale I had journeyed so far for.  27 minutes later I reached the counter, twelve minutes after the sale had ended.  After a few minutes of angrily haggling and a few defiant glares and demands to see a manger I got the sale price.  My quest was over, or so I thought. 

Famished, parched, and quite light headed at this point, I sat miserably in the very same  parking lot traffic jams I had dealt with on the way in as I searched for an exit, and an escape from this cursed land.

Upon finally reaching the highway I muttered the very same words I say every year around this time "I'm doing my shopping early and online next year."  If only I'd heed my own advice.  

UCONN Women Win 89th Straight, As Impressive As UCLA?

There's been a lot of talk in recent days about how the Uconn womens basketball team's current win streak of 89 and counting measures up with the UCLA men's team streak from way back in the day of 88.  And even more talk about how its not getting enough attention in the media because its a woman's team.  Well I got the message loud and clear, you want coverage, I'll give you coverage.  

For the most part I think Uconn coach Geno Auriemma is dead on in his assessment.  Yes, the streak isn't getting nearly the attention that a men's team on a similar streak would get. And yes, it's because the woman's game isn't as entertaining, relevant, or as impressive as a men's team would be if they were pulling this off today. Sorry, just delivering the message.

Stressing the today is the important though.  Because I really believe their streak is as impressive as the old UCLA streak of the 1970's, and will be more impressive if they can reach the 100 straight mark.

Mens college basketball back then was not the same as it is today.  Now even shit teams get multiple nationally televised games per year, raising the status of their programs and enhancing their recruiting tools.  Back then?  UCLA was one of a handful of teams to get national television exposure on a consistent basis, this gave them a tremendous advantage in recruiting battles, landing top recruit after top recruit.  Sound familiar?  Uconn has had this same advantage and employed it to their benefit for well over a decade now, continuing to be destination of choice for star recruits each year.

More evidence that men's game of the 70's was just as diluted as the women's game of today?  During their streak the UCLA men faced 18 top 20 teams during their streak.  Uconn has faced 29 and counting.  That's about three less per season.  Three less chances of facing an opponent that actually has the potential to match up against you.   Uconn's margin of victory (while playing stiffer competition): 32.4 (only two single digit victories), UCLA's: 23.5.   UCLA didn't face a conference tournament at the end of season, UCLA's NCAA tourney was made up of fewer teams than the current field (less land mines to navigate).   

So yes, this Uconn streak is at least as impressive as the UCLA streak of the 1970's.  Similarly diluted fields of competition make the two era's remarkably similar in this bloggers opinion.  Told you we here at the 'Tab believe in women's equality.  

Holiday Shopping as a Robber

Sometimes the internet just tosses you an early Christmas gift.  Here I was all set to type up a blog about my pending Christmas Shopping excursion planned for today and this baby just falls in my lap, literally the first video I watched this morning.

That's easily the most I've laughed at a video in a long time.  And not the kind of forced laugh that you make when you're watching something with others so you fit in or don't look like you don't understand the humor.  This was genuine humor.   The reactions were priceless, and said a lot about the people. 

Like how about the difference between the Asian guy at :48 seconds and the other one at :58 seconds.  First guy clearly grew up in China town and is classically trained in Kung Fu.  He never felt threatened at all, just escorted the potential robber out the door calmly like it was no big deal, didn't even seem agitated.  The second guy?  Clearly too Americanized.  Just running away and asking questions later.  Not quite the pussy as all the other white people in the video, he did stand there and face him while on the cell phone, but still, an iron gate? You've brought great shame to your fore-fathers. 

As for me?  Definitely would have reacted like those guys at :36 seconds.  Just turn and sprint as fast as you can. The chic can fend for herself under the desk.  The Alt-Tabs believes in woman's equality.  I'd be degrading generations of woman who fought for woman's rights if I stuck around to help her out.

PS: I'll be back with a wrap up of my shopping excursion this afternoon.  I don't want to promise entertainment, thats too much pressure for my pedestrian writing skills to live up too, but it should be mildly interesting at a minimum.