Have to Work on Black Friday?

That pretty much sums up what my office will look like today, just a barren wasteland, with a few suckers renegade workers willing to forge on and take care of business.  

But you know what? I secretly don't mind working Black Friday, and you shouldn't either.  It's the single slowest day of the year in the office (The day after Christmas would be in contention if you didn't have to worry about the unusually high amount of work place shootings that seem to take place Dec 26th. You really have to wonder just how awful some peoples gifts are that they come in the next day and raise Armageddon).  

Sure I'd rather be sleeping, or watching Alabama-Auburn, polishing off some left overs in my boxers on the couch, or watching news stories about all the bat-shit crazy people who lined up sometime before 5 am, all to save 20% store wide (its called Amazon.com, ever heard of it people?). But today is that special day, no bosses to speak of, most of  the clients have the day off because we're the only company in our industry cruel enough to make people work today, and the majority of the co-workers I attempt to pretend don't exist most days won't be around to bother me either.  

Should be a good day to catch up on work I've been putting off...yea right.  Just a day of surfing the internet, e-mail chains with my friends (if any of them are actually at their jobs), long lunch breaks (yes plural, I mentioned there are no bosses today, right?), and office wandering to pass the time.  Yes, that's not that much different than any other day for CW but it just feels better knowing that no one really has any expectations for me to do anything else today.  I'm fairly certain I could show up in a robe with no pants and not be disciplined as long as I've manned my station.

So here's to the rest of you who are in work reading this today (toasting you with coffee in my 32 oz. Legends of Nascar Cup, and no, I don't watch Nascar), for recognizing that an extra day off in the sunny, warm summer, beats a day off in miserable cold November, battling mental patients and stampeding mothers for Silly Bandz and Tickle Me Elmos. 

The Office Dress Code

Anyone who works in an office setting can relate to the annoying semi-annual company memos on dress codes, for the most part its just the same old common sense message, don't look like a homeless person, slut, beach dude, or hungover drunk. Pretty straight forward, but I'm still always shocked at the diversity of peoples choices in my office.  This may not apply to everyone's work place, I work in a large setting and as a result am exposed to a larger group of workers than most of you, but here is the run down of our business casual choices I see on a consistent basis.

The Fresh Out of College - Couple of different ways this person can go. First, and usually for guys only, you see alot of cargo pant type khakis and questionably acceptable collared shirts.  It takes about 6 months to a year on the job for the average prep/frat type graduate to purge their warddrobe of these fringe acceptable clothing syltes.  The second fresh out of college option is for the guys and girls who are so eager to impress that they hit the job running with an over the top, GQ-esque warddrobe.  This also takes 6 months to a year to disappear, because thats how long it takes grads to realize their entry level salary won't support drinking 3-4x a week and dressing like an Express cover model.  The lesson as always, drinking always wins out. 

Girls in Club Wear - To a lesser extent this applies to guys as well, though typical guy club wear of some douchey designer T-shirt will get you sent home in most places.  Girls can get by on the fringe a bit more.  You know the girls, clothes a bit too tight, too short, too revealing to be appropriate.  Other girls hate these girls, and the single alpha males of the office try to walk the fine line between sexual harrasment and harmless flirting (then there is always that creepy older guy trying to mix it up too...don't do that dude).  One of two things going on here, 1) This girl is a shoot off of fresh out of college girl, stubbornly trying to hold on to her party days and not blow the budget on two sets of wardrobes, or 2) They're not really interested in working here, just looking to catch the attention of an upper level manager and then quit to pursue their real passion, gold diggery and whoring. 

The Consumate Professional - Just a well dressed guy or gal.  Not much to say here, whether or not the person actually is professional on the job is another question,  but it really doesn't matter. They look like they fit in, and for the most part thats all that counts.

The Slacker - Likes to push the casual level without really dipping too far into our next category (we'll get there in a minute).  Matches the professionals when necessary but shies away from kissing too much corporate ass by pushing the limits other days.  Typically can be found with the occasional untucked shirt, frayed or faded jeans when the company says only clean blue jeans with no signs of wear, shirts not quite buttoned to the top, or at all in the case of polos, maybe a few wrinkles here and there, wouldn't want to give the impression that he knows how to work an iron or anything.  Also easily identified by the unorganized and messy cube, or as the guy blogging from his cube at work.  It may be a double standard but there just aren't many girls that can pull this category off, they tend to end up looking like...

The Scrub - You pushed it a bit too far.  Stains, overly baggy clothing, just an all out haggard appearance.  Shoes with holes in the soles, brown belts with black pants, black belts with brown shoes, you name it.  Girls who decide its ok for them to wear T-shirts because they can get away with anything, and $1.99 flip-flops from Old Navy.  At least give some kind of effort here.

Thats all for today, Happy Turkey Day, check back Friday if you're as unfortunate as myself and have to work...or check back from home I guess if you really like the site (Though that sounds fairly unrealistic).

TSA Pops Urine Bag

NPR - During a pat-down by Transportation Security Administration personnel at the airport, Sawyer's urostomy bag opened. As the Detroit News writes, that "caused his urine bag to leak onto his clothing." Sawyer couldn't change until after his flight to Orlando.

I've been avoiding posting about the TSA as much as possible. I think its a ridiculous topic and am slowly coming to the realization that this country is far too prudish.  Just walk through the scanners people, not a big deal and much better than being raped by a minimum wage worker.   This story caught my eye though.  

Yes I feel bad for all parties involved, this poor guy had to sit on a plane covered in urine, a situation we're not supposed to have to deal with once we're past the age of infancy.  And this poor TSA agent is being overlooked as well. Having to feel peoples pee bags and God knows what else through out the day.  It's probably hard enough grabbing another mans junk or groping all the overweight/obese people we have in this country, never mind soiling your hands in the process.  I certainly couldn't do it.  

But here is my question on the whole matter.  Why was this guy thinking he was going to be allowed to wear his bag of urine on the plane when I can't sneak a bottle of Poland Springs water through a security checkpoint without getting my name thrown on the no-fly list?  

I literally watched one of my roommates be sexually assaulted at a check point because he had a bottle of water in his pocket and a belt buckle that couldn't be removed from his shorts (thus setting off the medal detector).  He was already a sun burned irishmen but his face hit a whole new level of crimson during these proceedings.  Are you telling me that his bottle of poland spring and brass belt buckle were more of a threat than yellow/orange tinged (I don't know how hydrated this guy keeps himself) bag of liquid strapped to some guys stomach?  I'm giving the bottle of water the benefit of the doubt most days of the week, not the bag of "piss."  Just opening up a whole new door for any terrorist with a doctors note if you ask me (not that anyone is asking me).

Rescue Attempt Goes Horribly Wrong (FW to 1 minute mark)

Rescue Attempt Fail - Watch more Funny Videos

Hey, thanks for coming out guys, but I think they could have handled it better themselves.  I guess thanks for breaking their fall though?

They couldn't have possibly bungled the rescue attempt this badly, so was this a real emergency? Or were they making a modern day silent movie spoof?  I feel like I've seen this before, black and white, grainy image, bunch of fireman running around frantically but not really accomplishing anything. Two helpless people hanging from the side of a burning building (one appears to be naked fwiw).  When the firemen finally get their shit together hilariousness ensues as they fall like dominoes.  Looked more like an old Charlie Chaplin era comedy movie or one of those old Mickey Mouse cartoons, I was half expecting them to bring out a trampoline shaped canvas for them to drop down on to, only to find out that under the canvas is a big tub of whipped cream. I swear those two idiots were laughing at the end while they were rolling on the ground together too.  Nope, can't pull this one over on me, this has to be fake. 

PS: If it was a real emergency, why was the guy with the cellphone camera recording this and not evacuating. Dude, there is a fire right next door to your apartment, you might want to put down the flip phone and get the hell out.

A Worthy Cause

This Holiday Season please visit Keep Lebron Out.  Follow the page instructions to vote early and often and vote for anyone but Lebron at the forward position.  Sure he's still a talented player, but he's also a Grade-A Douche-Lord, and that is not the kind of behavior we as a society should be rewarding and celebrating this holiday season.  So please, in the spirit of giving and kindness, vote to Keep Lebron Out (in case the instruction page disappears please vote at the NBA's site for all-star balloting.

Love, Hate, or Tolerate Your Job?

Which category do you fit into?  I work for a very large company, in a particularly large department.  I can't help but notice the a-typical bell curve distribution in our office for people who either love, hate or tolerate their jobs.  I'd say just by observation (because we here at the Alt-Tab do not support the scientific method in any form) there is a very meaty mid-section of employees who tolerate their jobs, but are ultimately indifferent towards their status as an employee (aside from the pay check and benefits), I'm talking like +80%.  Is this the usual breakdown though? Are all jobs/careers this way, or are the people who work for Google all infinitely happier than the rest of us? Here's the breakdown as I see it.

Group 1 -People Who Love Their Jobs (7%) - There can be a number of factors for why someone loves their job, but I'd guess the most common is how rewarding they find it.  Certainly not the case at this cube farm.  Its actually a very good place to work, I'd just stop short of calling it rewarding.  I've never went home feeling like I did some good in the world after a long day of scrolling through excell sheets and deleting countless e-mails.  No, the people who happen to love their jobs love it for different reasons.  Some for money (at the higher up level anyway), fresh out of college and haven't been beaten down by the realities of adult life, foreigners who came to America for a better opportunity (and haven't realized that this isn't it yet), and the small fraction of people amongst us that are just blissfull no matter what is going on in their lives.  Safe to say I'm not any of those people and do not fit into this category.

Group 2 - People who hate their jobs (11%, and growing) - I wish I was one of these people (its true, I'm not, we'll get to that in a bit). These are the people who quit when they realize they don't like something, they'll go on their way and find something that they love, most of them will end up in group 1, they should be congratulated.  Not everyone has the stones to take a chance and move on in search of something better.  I'd do it, but bloggers without any advertising tend not to get paid well, and sadly, I'm a consumer first and foremost, I need my paycheck.  Also, I mention growing because less and less of these miserable bastards are quitting their jobs as a result of the economy. The result is actually quite depressing.  Less people realizing their dreams, plus you have more assholes at work who don't give a shit about their job, making it more miserable for the rest of who are just punching in and out every week.  Really harshing the whole "working for the weekend" mood around here.

Group 3 - People who tolerate their jobs (82%) - The meaty middle, this is where the CW lands. Content to have a decent job, not happy, not miserable, just going about my usual business.  Some of us are here because you're still in school and haven't moved on yet, some gave up their dreams long ago and took a practical job, some got knocked up too young and are now stuck where they are because of the flexible schedule and good benefits, some of you lucked into a job you had no business deserving but can't go elsewhere because you're not capable of getting a job on par with your current one, but most just haven't figured out what they want to do with their life (cough/ahem). They go out, have fun, get drunk, make a mistake or two, laugh it over with their friends later.

So in a roundabout way that is my "What I'm thankful for" Thanksgiving Blog.  Happy to have a decent job and do fairly well, but happier realizing that life is made up of so much more than the place you spend 40 hours a week to collect a paycheck. 

Lady Pees In Store

Look, I don't blame the lady here, frankly she didn't even do anything that out of the ordinary.  Sometimes you just have to go, it's happened to me before and when the situation arises you don't think you just act.  I'm not proud of it (actually I am, they're still funny stories whenever they're told, except for one that's not true) but desperate situations call for desperate actions and this lady was desperate.  Sure the store probably had a bathroom, and sure given the relatively small amount of piss involved here she in all likelihood could have held it but that's beside the point, and who are we to judge?

I do have a problem with her partner in crime here.  What the fuck is he doing?  Touching and sniffing the pee.  That's way out side the responsibilities of a Public Pissing Decoy.  Dude, your job is to get in, run a distraction and get out.  You don't have to wallow, smell, and taste the piss.  That's just disgusting.  

Plus if the store owner wasn't sure it was piss before he is now.  You're just working too hard to sell it.  No stranger would bench down and run their hand in any liquid and sniff and taste it.  Like when is the last time you walked into a convenience store and gave a puddle on the ground the old taste test? Just a dead give away.

PS: Yes I know this is like a week late, it got stuck at the bottom of my topics list.

Congrats to the Miz?

So Mike "The Miz" from back in the day on the Real World is the new WWE champion (that's the WWF Moniker for any of those who stopped watching wrestling way back in the 4th grade in attempt to make something of your life like I did)?  

I'm not sure what is the sadder state of affairs here; a once proud wrestling franchise crowning a reality tv member as champion? Or the fact that The Miz has to be the most successful post Real World member yet. I'm leaning towards more embarrassing for wrestling.

I think its a given going in that most of the cast members of the Real World know that the show will be the high point of their lives.  Sure some will move on to a semi-lucrative career on the Challenge circuit but deep inside they all know people are only tuning in to see their drunk antics, hook-ups and fights.  It's really no different than the Jersey Shore, and no one will ever confuse any of those cast members for anything but degenerates.  So The Miz breaking out and finding success in something other than an established MTV franchise is a mild accomplishment.  Even if the only real difference between what he does now and what they do on challenges involves a little less alcohol, and a little more body oil.  Really, both require the wearing of spandex, the using of steroids, and both shows are heavily produced and scripted despite what most people believe.

As for the WWFE, come on really? A reality star, has it really gotten that low?  I knew it was getting bad when J-WOWW (aforementioned Jersey Shore Fame, I know most of you know who she is, I have one friend who refuses to keep up with anything pop-culture related) made an appearance but this is just a new low.  

Back in my day Wrestling Champions were real men.  Hulk Hogan, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Randy Savage, and my favorite, The Ultimate Warrior.  These guys were beasts put on the earth for two reasons; to eat steroids and kick ass.  They didn't become famous for drunkenly marching around on reality TV pretending to live out some childhood fantasy.  That can't be all it takes these days.  There's probably 1000's of 10-12year olds who do the same thing everyday (minus the booze hopefully), just because an adult does it doesn't make him a wrestler.  Good to see I made the right choice ditching wrestling back in the 4th grade.  Knew it wasn't headed in the right direction way back then.  Guess I'm just a visionary. 

Thanksgiving Family Rituals

Ah, Thanksgiving, right around the corner.  Food, drinks, football, all the ingredients that make up CW's favorite holiday (and by ownership, the official holiday of The Alt-Tab).  No real surprise there, all three when mixed properly allow a catatonic like zoning out affect that magically comes around once a year.  Conversation grinds to a halt, everyone fades in and out of naps, communication consists of grunts towards the television during the football games and the occasional lazy hand gesture when another helping of food is required to be passed around.  Heaven.

But that's all post-meal bliss.  Leading up to this once yearly state of nirvana is the family gathering, a staple of the holiday season.  Most families will share traditions, recipes, exchanging of children's Christmas wish lists (there's always that one kid who aims a bit too high with their wish list much to the annoyance of family members.  I can only assume in hindsight that it was me as a child, so to my immediate family I apologize), and carving of the turkey honors.  

My families Thanksgiving tradition is a bit different than most I would assume.  To us the holidays are a chance to get together and compete in one-upping one another with regards to medical ailments and health issues.  Conversations run the gamut from pace-makers, cholesterol levels, blood sugar, hearing aids, vision, an array of surgeries, vision complaints, back pain, psoriasis, eczema, leprosy, and gingivitis.  You need a medical dictionary just to get through it.  The competition is for the head of the table.  The worse your affliction or collection of ailments the better your seat at the table.  My Grandfather has had a firm grasp on the title for years now with the aforementioned hearing aid and pace-maker, though my Mom has mounted a serious challenge this year that could make it an interesting race for the first time in as long as I can remember.  

As for me, I've been stuck at the children's table long past the regularly acceptable age.  Just haven't been able to crack the big leagues and gain entrance to the adult table.  Sure every few years I come in with stitches or a pulled groin, but that's just child's play with this group.  Nothing short of major surgery or threatening illness is going to get me to the big show.  Same for the CW's brother.  Biggest hypochondriac I know, comes up with a wild array of imagined illnesses and injuries each year, none of them are good enough.  The adults in our family are a savvy, veteran group of the walking wounded, they see right through his fictional complaints and chuckle at his efforts.

Sadly all has been well on the health front once again this year for your fearless leader.  Just one more year of eating off unstable fold up tables with chairs so short I might as well be kneeling.  There's always next year though.