The Pistachio consortium really needs to figure this one out, STAT...Not a good look that the first choice when searching deshelled (which isn't even a word, FYI) is your product, narrowly beating out turtle, whatever the hell that means.
Here I am minding my own business trying to enjoy a nice snack while watching tv, and I'm a fucking mess. I've basically got an assembly line in front of me, all for a snack. I've got the bag of nuts to the left, a paper plate in the middle (for cracking over), and a solo cup to the right (for the empty shells, obvi).
And to top it all off, these things are a pain in the ass to crack. Sure when you crack a fresh bag you can grab all the choice nuts, the ones are pretty much cracked open for you...but what about the last 30% of that bag? All the rejects that barely have a crack? Those things suck.
You're trying with your fingers, but after a half a bag of pistachios the tips of your fingers are pretty dried out from the salt and are starting to hurt. You move to your teeth, which gets the job done but you're living in constant fear of shell-shrapnel launching into your mouth...which with most nuts isn't a big deal but with pistachios its almost a guaranteed trip to the dentist, because for some reason pistachio shells are a tougher material than construction quality lumber.
And is all this really necessary? Should I have to consult Henry Freaking Ford and my orthodontist prior to enjoying a nice bag of nuts? Is it so hard to capture the perfectly salted taste of in-the-shell pistachios in a de-shelled product? How come I can never find that? Every time I go looking the only de-shelled pistachios are labeled "raw and unsalted." That sounds fucking gross. What, only vegans and health nuts are priveledged enough to enjoy de-shelled pistachios? That's racist.
