Am I the Subject of Male on Male Sexual Harassment?

So here's the deal, there is this skeevy little perv man at work who everyone assumes (actually there's not much assumption going on it seems pretty obvious) plays for the other team.  Fine, no big deal, doesn't affect me.  The big deal is the increasing level of creepiness I'm receiving.  

Probably all started 6 months or so ago when we crossed paths at the building door and I was looked up and down like I was fresh meat walking into a gay bar.  At the time I didn't know if this guy just forgot he was at work, was oblivious to his surroundings, or simply liked the view that day.  I certainly didn't think this would be an ongoing issue.   

Since that day I think its safe to say I'm getting ogled in the office more each day than any chic in the building has to put up with.  Stopped being flattering a while ago.  I mean I've now taken the stairs a few time because I've seen him waiting for the elevator and after my last ride in there with him (with other people present thank god, didn't stop him from checking out the goods though) that's a level of uncomfortable that I just can't tolerate, and you should know I never take the stairs.  You should also know I've been seen several times with my sweetheart walking through the building, its common knowledge that I'm with someone in the office.  Does this stop him from walking by my cube and slowing down for a blatant peek into my cube (legit slow down, craning his neck so he can look in)? Nope.  Just goes right on with his business.  This guy is like the ultimate meathead of the gay community, like The Situation of gays.  Just treating every atmosphere like a pick-up scene. 

Its a truly odd situation to be in.  I'm not going to report it for obvious reasons (no one likes to complain, my word against his, hard to explain: "that guy over there stares at my junk") and I can't call him out personally on it because that would just be taken as homophobic.  What should I be doing?  

I've been strongly considering fighting fire with fire.  See if I can make him uncomfortable enough to just go away.  I could bend over to tie my shoe when I see him coming, maybe do a lunge or two in the lobby like I'm stretching, or bring out the big guns with the lean back to stretch my back and push my waist forward routine. 

I could also go the scrub route and just start wearing ratty old clothes, maybe a Wal-Mart outfit or two. I'm sure that would offend his gay sensibilities.

Would these work? Has anyone else dealt with this?

Bus Driver Plows Through Snowman, Forced to Resign?

I'm confused. Why did the driver resign again?  Unless he got back to the meeting and just blatantly told everyone that he never saw the snowman (presumably not the case, it was like a 6 foot snowman) I don't see what the big deal was.  

It's not even like they could make an argument that he didn't know if it was a person or a snowman.  Snowmen look nothing like people for reasons I've never understood.  I was legitimately confused the first time I had the cognizance to understand what my parents were up to when they told me the obese statue of three snow balls was a "man."  No, its three snow balls stacked together, I was in preschool with a wild imagination but this was still a stretch for me so I'm pretty sure this bus driver understood the difference. 

If anything this guy was just spreading Christmas cheer, giving the guys with the video tape a little thrill.  And Matt Lauer can cut the high and mighty routine there at the end.  The story has ended, three bored geeks with a video camera built a snowman on a quiet wintery street.  The bus obliged them and obliterated it.  End of story.

Building Hit Twice By Cars In Same Day

WICHITA, Kan. — Employees at a northeast Wichita chiropractic office are left shaking their heads after the building was hit twice Monday by two different cars. The first crash happened around 10:30 a.m. at Lakewood Chiropractic in the 2400 block of N. Woodlawn when an elderly woman pressed on her accelerator thinking it was the brake pedal. Her car went right through the front of the building. Employees say it's a miracle that no one was hurt, because the area is usually full of patients and receptionists. Then, around 3 o'clock in the afternoon, an elderly man, who also mistook his gas pedal for the brake, crashed into the building. That crash, however, resulted in much less damage, with only a busted window. No one, including the drivers of the vehicles, was injured in the crashes.

This was no "accident."  I'm not sure how they pulled it off but I think its pretty obvious the chiropractors some how manipulated these two "accidents." I don't know how, probably iced down the road in just the right places, but that's what happened.  What better way to drum up chiropractor business than to start manufacturing car accidents in your waiting room?  How else do you explain that no one was injured? Nurses and "doctors" were probably laying in wait around the corner for their prey, dragging them out back to the chiropractic table seconds after the accidents. 

In all seriousness though, does anyone else notice that no one is ever injured in these types of accidents? Cars into buildings and houses, buses plowing into anything and everything, the occasional plane crash into a house, and houses freakishly exploding out of no where.  How is it that no one is ever home or in the building when these things happen? Its not that I'm rooting for human tragedy, it just doesn't add up to me.  Everyday on the news you hear about pizza man slayings and school bus stop shootings, yet when catastrophe strikes no one ever seems to perish.

Holiday Gift Ideas for Your Office (or a certain Blogger)

The Hottest Gadgets - The office can be a cold, hard, unfeeling, life-sucking place to spend your working days, but then again you don’t have to live in Dilbertsville.  For all the stigma surrounding “the office,” you’re getting unique opportunities to interact with people and your environment in between filing TPS reports.

A lot of awesome ideas, lets run down a few of my favs (in case anyone wondering what a good gift for a full time cube work/part time blogger would be).


The Stealth Switch – Please don’t let this catch on.  TheStealthSwitch.com just doesn’t have the same ring as TheAltTab. 

Portable Sleeping Cube – I’ve been in the market for a comfortable, under desk/cube sleep option for years now.  Best I’ve come up with so far is an accumulation of jackets to act as pillows and blankets.

Carpet Skates – Love it! Finally an office competition that is Olympic worthy. This would really give me motivation to stop by the supply room once in a while when I run out of shit, rather than just stealing it from the cubes around me.

Babble Voice – Easily the most useful item on the list.  Would work wonders on my non stop babbling neighbor.  Music and talk radio just don’t seem to cut it, a tool specifically designed for this purpose is needed in my case, not that she'd get the hint anyway.

Bright Blinds – HA!  Seems like an idea designed in a corporate think tank. “Gee our workers are miserable in the fluorescent lighted cube with no windows in sight  How about we add more fluorescent lights but just hide them behind a window blind?  It’s a fire hazard and it will remind them of real windows so they can realize even more how much their office sucks!”  Pure awesomness (and yes I'd welcome this gift despite my mocking tone).

What Do People Do In Vermont? They Drive.

So CW survived his Vermont adventure pretty easily, not because I'm some natural outdoors man, simply because there isn't anything to do in Vermont, never mind anything dangerous.

As far as I can tell Vermonters spend their days running errands and chopping wood, and frankly, I'm not sure there is time for anything else.  You see, Vermonters have a strange sense of time and distance.  Ask a Vermonter where anything (restaurant, gas station, cheese factory, restaurant/gas station combo, country gift shop, cheese factory, syrup factory, cheese factory, etc...) is located and they'll tell you its right down the road.  Don't be fooled, follow up that question by asking how long it will take.  The answer will vary from 45 mins- 1 hour.  Why? Because Vermonters incorrectly believe that any location that is within state borders is "right down the road."  45 minutes through farm country, driving at terrifying speeds on country roads to these people is my equivalent of walking up the street to Store 24.  

I always used to wonder how people spent their days since there isn't much to do up there, turns out they don't have time for anything but errands.  You just pack a lunch and a snack pack early in the morning, pack up the car and drive all around the state in search of common house hold items and necessities.  You return in the evening, have a dinner and go to sleep to do it all over again.  Miserable.  

It'll be a very long time before this blogger is convinced to cross that border again, I can't stand going to the store when its 5 minutes away, never mind a long weekend that entirely consists of running errands.  

CNN Reporting on Classics Such As Dumb and Dumber

Hysterical, there's not much to add here.

It works on multiple levels, the metaphor could be about how the Republicans and Obama working together on this tax plan is the same as Lloyd fire bombing that unsuspecting porcelain bowl with foul excrement. 

Or it could simply be a very vindictive way for the video editor to give his two weeks notice.  Every one assumes on air stars are jackasses to their staff, its likely that this clip symbolizes how those smug reporters treated the video editing crew for years.  And what do you do when you've been disrespected and under appreciated on the job?  You run a shit smear campaign on national television.

Long Weekend Starts Now

The long weekend for The Alt-Tab staff (myself) starts now.  I know that countlessly refreshing this page is all that gets you through the week sometimes but you'll have to do with out me for today.  

The CW is heading up to the Great Green North (VT), trees, syrup, mountains, moose, bears, simple living, and a presumed lack of electricity.  I know, I know. How will I fit in up there? I won't, they'll all make fun of my "city slicker" ways, I'd usually respond by making fun of their country bumpkin lifestyle but I'll be greatly outnumbered and therefore will just grin and "bear" it.  Safer to wait till I cross the border on the way back home, maybe even just blog about them from a far.

Xbox Prank

"OH HAHAHAHA, What did you think? We can't afford an Xbox, HAHAHAHA"  

Assholes, you just crushed your sons spirit what the hell are you laughing about.  Won't be laughing once that kid calls the Department of Social Services on your ass.  And how about the camera woman telling him to look into the camera and cry, WTF?  You people literally ruined Christmas. Everyone had to vacate the room he was so devastated. 

Worst part is you just know the parents have that Xbox in their room, playing Call of Duty late night together.  How else do you get the box?  Can't just go to the store and ask them to sell you the box.  I'd like to hope they had enough pride not to dumpster dive for a card board box they're planning to use to break their childs innocence, and anyone that just got an Xbox aint giving up the box.  You have to keep that shit for at least a year in case the red lights of death present themselves and it needs to be returned.  The Grinch's got nothing on this family of cold hearted pricks. 

Soccer Fail, Week 5

CW's guest goalie appearance last night went about as well as this guys.

Another week, another dissapointing result for B8, losing by 1 goal in another crushing defeat.  I'll be honest, if I didn't relish antagonizing my readership once a week I'd find it pretty hard to summon the inspiration to continue with these wrap ups. 

B8 was undermanned and as a result underperformed, losing to the previously winless B7 (our natural rivals).  The team put forth a spirited effort, no lack of hustle, but missing our keeper and leading striker was just to much to over come.  Everyone put forth a pretty good effort last night, but team Captain Ross will take home game ball honors in defeat.  A one man wrecking crew leading the way scoring wise. 

The few highlights from the match included cohabitating teammates Kathryn and Ross hooking up (see what I did there) on a nifty set piece, CW scoring a goalie goal on a full field kick, Mazz taking a headbut to the chest that some how resulted in the other guy going down for the count, Mazz mixing it up with the opposing goalie and subsequently his entire team (he's a feisty one), and Dan continually sassing the ref and nearly drawing our first card of the year.  Safe to say we're gaining a rep as one America's edgier Division B Coed-Mixed Adult Indoor Soccer Teams, now if we could only get a win...