Day from Hell

I was going to get a few more blogs out today, I swear...but I didn't.  You see folks, I spent the day in my own little personal hell called e-mail jail.


You know the kind of day I'm talking about, you clear out two or three client requests and all of a sudden you have seven new emails. 

Three of them you can delete, probably just info about corporate picnics, glad handing and back slapping about promotions among executives (I swear some of them just swap jobs and titles on a yearly basis to make it look like they were promoted.  I dare you to tell me the difference between global rep of client services and global rep of client relations. You can't do it), or our executive staff's blogs (yes you have more readers than I do, but thats only because your thoughts and opinions are tied to our job security so we feel forced.  I'm pretty sure people would pick banging it here for Alt-Tabs and mindless rants over economic theory and musings from their latest business trips, right?)

The other four, just straight up misery.  Some nagging requests about things you probably could have completed a couple weeks ago but were too busy blogging about McRibs (Wednesdays the big day!), questions that you seemingly answer weekly, and then there is the occasional bomb. The "Oh I know its the first of the month and you're probably busy, but we meant to ask for this a week ago and now its due today can sludge through this 1,000 line excell sheet and kiss my ass while doing it" request. 

Yep, today was the perfect storm , 3 or 4 bombs, a few items I personally procrastinated on (and continute to procrastinate on, like I've said before, do the important work, let other shit slide) and a shit ton of dumb requests that I've answered over and over again to the point where I have the answers memorized (for the record I received 187 e-mails today)

I'll be back tomorrow, right now there is a barstool calling my name...

Brilliant

Scanning for hilarious Craigslist ads used to be one of my favorite things to do when killing time.  Then the Craigslist Killer went and ruined all the fun.  A guy can't browse hysterical personals and for trade ads at work anymore without his co-worker assuming he enjoys killing broads and stealing their panties.  All I ever wanted was for it to be acceptable to laugh at other peoples miserable predicaments to take my mind off my 4X6 cell cube for a while.  Maybe this video will usher in that era again.

Its Year End Review Season

It's time for year end reviews at work once again.  Self assessments, one-on-one meetings, and all around phoniness.  Has anyone ever approached a review with complete sincerity? I'd say I treat about 30% of my review truthfully and honestly.  The rest of it I look at as another chance to freshen up on my corporate jargon...out-performance, synergy, cohesiveness, team building, right sizing, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I have to answer about 20 different questions, all beating around the bush instead of asking one simple question: Did you do a good job this year? Yes, No, and why?  Instead I'm filling out a review longer than the math section on the SAT's.

And HR wonders why we hate everything they come up with?  Their job is to make sure people use common sense, yet they never use it themselves.  The secret is they know just how dispensable their jobs are and in order to protect themselves they create these ludicrous reviews and training seminars, and make simple tasks such as reviews, benefits, and firing folks as complicated as possible.  So complicated that I had to lash out in a blog because God forbid I take this complaint to HR.  There would be documents to complete, focus groups formed, review boards called, and some nice bar charts created, all to come to the determination that they're nagging the shit out of the employees.  

This isn't the last corporate rant you'll hear today.

Abbreviated Alt-Tabs

I was going to hang it up for today, there were a few stories that I just couldn't help commenting on.

Delonte West Acting Crazy Again - During a three-on-three game with Avery Bradley, Luke Harangody, Semih Erden and assistant coach Tyronn Lue, West began fouling Wafer each time the reserve guard touched the ball. West was increasingly physical to the point that Wafer exited to the locker room midway through the game. As he walked away, West barked obscenities and taunted Wafer. After Wafer had showered and sat down at his locker, West approached from behind and threw a punch. Wafer didn’t see the punch coming but quickly got off of the ground and connected on two punches of his own. He then wrestled West to the ground before being separated by the team’s veterans. West believed Wafer was responsible for published anonymous quote saying it was “obvious” when West hadn’t taken his medicine, source says.

Delonte West is starting to sound more like a baddass Mel Gibson character in some horrible action movie than an NBA basketball player. Riding around with three loaded guns on his motorcycle, banging teammates mom's, and now striking back at his antagonizers after days of laying in wait. Dude is straight up certifiable. If he's some how not cut this is going to be one hell of an entertaining season. 

Randy Quaid Running from Hollywood Hitman -Randy Quaid is on the run in  Canada and seeking refugee status. The actor and his  wife Evi are  facing charges in a California court and skipped another  court date in  the state this week. A California judge has now issued a warrant for  their  arrest....In  his prepared statement Randy claims he is the  target of a "Hollywood  Hit Team" that is out to "whack" him and his wife  Evi. At times tearful  with his hands trembling Randy detailed a long  list of "insiders and  employees" that he singled out for theft and  corruption. He stated that  eight actors, including Chris Penn and Heath  Ledger “were  whacked”  and others including Britney Spears, Lindsey Lohan and Mel  Gibson were  also being targeted. “We are not criminals nor are we  fugitives from  the justice nor are we crazy,” he said.

You may know Randy Quaid better as Crazy Cousin Eddy from the National Lampoons Vacation series or as the Crazy guy from Independance Day.  I always assumed he was just a good niche actor, cornered the whole market for acholics, unshaven bums, and lunatic rolls locked down. Sadly it turns out he was just being himself. (thanks to AJ, I had a whole blog prepared but he helped simplify it with a one liner)

Yankee Fan Put in His Place - The victim, a student who was not identified by police, was walking near the corner of Harvard and Brighton avenues early on the morning of Oct. 16, hours after the Yankees rallied in the eighth inning to defeat the Texas Rangers by one run in the first game of the ALCS.
A man wearing a gray sweatshirt approached him and asked, “Why are you wearing that hat around here?” according to a police report. Before having a chance to reply, the victim was punched in the face and knocked down, which caused him to bleed from his hands and chin, police said.

Because its random acts of violence to show support for your team are always fun.

Politically Correct Wiccans

Foxnews - Witch's Wit is one of Port Brewing Company's Lost Abbey beers, which the distributor calls "inspired beers for saints and sinners alike." Each beer sports a label that aims to tell a story about the struggle between good and evil.

But Vicki Noble, a famed healer, astrologer and spiritual leader in the pagan community, saw only evil in Witch's Wit after a worker in a liquor store called the bottle to her attention last week. Incensed at the image of a witch being burned at the stake, Noble sent an e-mail to her followers, asking in the subject line: "Can we stop this brewer from their hate imagery? Can you imagine them showing a black person being lynched or a Jewish person going to the oven?" she asked. "Such images are simply not tolerated in our society anymore (thank the Goddess) and this one should not be, either."...Still, Cynthia Eller, associate professor of women's studies and religious studies at Montclair State University in New Jersey, said the label was just plain offensive. "This woman could have been my great, great, great, great, grandmother -- if she lived long enough to reproduce,"

Vicki Noble and Cynthia Eller can cut the shit.  Its a frigen beer ladies, relax and throw one back.  No, the cartoon image of a witch burning at the stake is not offensive.  Because its a fucking witch.  If you're opposed to this you have to be opposed to just about any halloween decoration, The Wizard of Oz, Melissa Joan Hart, Charmed, and anything else portraying the stereotypical witch.  But I didn't hear you bitches witches all up in arms in these situations. 

No, this is clearly just another case of our society taking political correctness too far.  Again, its just a beer bottle. Protesting the bottle is getting it far more notice than it ever would have gotten if you'd just gone about your day without looking for some injustice to bitch about.  It's not like the company is lobbying for us to burn actual witches, hell its not like actual witches even exist.  You're a wiccan, in touch with mother nature and all that mumbo jumbo (yes I'm making fun of Wiccans, its odd and you chose to be different, deal with it).  You're not a witch, you don't ride around on broomsticks and you're not casting spells on villagers.  Come put a spell on me, turn me in to a frog, make me a mute, some shit like that. Can't do it? BECAUSE YOU'RE A PHONY AND WITCHES DON'T EXIST! Black people exist, Jewish people exist, witches do not exist.  There is literally nothing to complain about here.

And no, that couldn't be your grandmother.  I'm not sure you're aware of the difference between photographs and cartoons, but thats a cartoon, its not a real person, it's not your relative.  So stop causing problems where there aren't any, please.

Guest Blog: Awkard Moments in an Elevator

Yep, thats right another guest blog.  Lets hope this one get less lames than the previous two submissions.

Yesterday, a female co-worker and I decided to go out and grab an afternoon snack.  It is important to note that she is pregnant, and far enough along that you can tell she is pregnant.  We were joined in the elevator by a guy that works across the hall from our office.  While in the elevator this guy is awkwardly looking at her stomach, and you can tell he is just dying to say something.  He then proceeds to ask us if we are together.  Yeah, he went there.  After a few seconds of complete awkwardness, we tell him that we aren’t.  You’d think a normal person would just kind of end the conversation there right?  (Actually a normal person would never ask two complete strangers if they are together, but that’s beside the point)  He then tells us that he thought we might have been together because we were similar size.  Hopefully he meant height, because I don’t believe that I look pregnant.

Where do you even start here?  Asking two complete strangers if they are together is one thing, but when the woman is pregnant that’s a whole new ballgame.  That brings in all sorts of different dynamics.  The size comment is just completely baffling to me.  Like does this guy (Jon Gruden would be proud) honestly think that people are getting together strictly based on being similar heights?  Based on his theory I’d have a legitimate shot with Jessica Alba if she was my height.  Maybe he’s onto something here.

-Milosh

When Will People Stop Using The Post Office?

Is anyone else bothered that seemingly sane people continue to use the post office?  Its all so out of date.  I can think of literally no reason that I'm ever going to buy a stamp again.  Seriously, I challenge you to name me one.  And don't even get me started on going to the actual post office. It is Fedex, UPS or hand delivery for me from here on out. Have you been to a post office lately? The last time I made a trip there I thought I'd mistakenly ended up at the DMV.  Just dirty, unhealthy, bordering on  homeless looking people lined up waiting forever to carry out simple tasks that in all likelihood could be carried out electronically.  Its like a frigen leper colony.  Its disgusting and I'm never going back.  And why should I? Buying stamps for mailing letters/cards/bills?  Please.  It's all do-able online or over the phone.

We'll start with bills.  The only valid excuse for not paying your bills online is that you're elderly and can't figure it out.  And even then most bills offer automatic deductions.  Trying to buy stamps is the biggest waste of time I've ever encountered.  Do you know how hard it is to buy a fucking stamp anywhere else but the post office (which we've already established as a gateway to Hell)?    The US Postal Service wonders why they're verging on the point of irrelvance and bankruptcy? Maybe because you inisit on believing  people are willing buy 1x1 pieces of paper from you with glue on the back in order to mail anything, but you make them impossible to find unless you're in the actual Post office. Stupidest business plan I've ever heard of.  Pay that shit online and save yourself the time and .44 cents.

Mailing letters and or cards is a societal issue we need to tackle.  We've accepted so many technological changes over the past two decades that it boggles my mind that we still view e-mailed letters and e-cards as impersonal.  This needs to end now.  If you live far enough away from me or I see you sparingly enough that I need to communicate via letter or greeting card then you're not worth the $3.99 I'd need to spend on the card, the one hour minimum that it would take to find a stamp, or the .44 cents for the cost of the stamp.  Why don't we all agree to save eachother a bunch of time and a little bit of money and move the whole greeting card and personal letter industry online.  What is the big deal?  I'm still taking the time and showing that I'm thinking of you by contacting you. Who cares if I've decided to do it in an efficient manner rather than communicating the way previous generations did.  Shit changes, smoke signals were replaced land lines, and land lines by cell phones but you don't see anyone complaining that making my calls from a cellular device is impersonal and expecting me to go out back and light a fire.  Its ridiculous and I won't be doing it anymore. 

Rant Over.

Tough Being a Student These Days

Its things like this that really make me glad I went to school during the early pioneering days of the net.  When you could still find teachers and professors that assumed your paper was written based on hard work and research time put in at the library with scholarly journals and those encyclopedia things.  Yes I only graduated a few years ago but teachers were still naive enough not to think we were propositioning complete strangers on the internet for questionably factual knowledge. 

I personally blame wikipedia for this. Teachers began to really catch on as soon as the internet decided to fuck with academia's obsession with encyclopedias.  The idea that something that calls itself an encyclopedia could be edited or written by anyone and possibly contain false information was just too much for educators to handle.  You've got to understand that the generation of teachers that taught us were raised on the idea that an encyclopedias word was as good as gospel.  Threatening the credibility of encyclopedias was a horrible decision and todays students today are paying for it.  Thanks alot, wikipedia.

This Weeks Overheard at the Office

Yesterday I over heard a middle aged man in my office discussing these "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" books (apparently its a whole series).  I didn't overreact when I saw girls everywhere (beach, cafeteria, subway, etc...) reading these oddly titled books this summer, or when Amazon.com had these as their top recommendations for like 45 straight days, or when I saw questionable looking guys walking around carrying this book in the North End.   But I'm drawing the line at middle age, 40-something old men in my office reading these books.  And this guy wonders why he's still single with no prospects (I overhear quite a few of his conversations).

He not only proceeded to gush about reading the whole set of books in the span of two weeks, but he decided to snob it up and discuss the Swedish film based on the book, talking up its artsy and emotional feel.  During this douchey lecture on foreign films he lamented that the American version (coming soon I guess?) would probably be too dumbed down to capture the same emotions...

Newsflash jackass, it'll be dumbed down and easier to understand because it will be in English.  You won't have to speak Swedish or read subtitles while you're trying to watch the movie.  And I wouldn't worry about it needing to be dumbed down too much  Any book that caught on and was a pop culture hit with high school-mid 20's aged girls I'll just assume can't too hard to follow.  Certainly no Chicken Soup for the Soul or Traveling Pants anyway (sarcasm).