Officials Finally Decide to Drain Fall River Pool, Like 3 Weeks After Body Found in Murky Waters

FALL RIVER (AP) - A swimming pool where a woman's body lay unnoticed in murky water for days is being drained as part of the investigation into her drowning death. Authorities working on the investigation in Fall River, about 50 miles south of Boston, expected to need most of the weekend to pump nearly a quarter-million gallons of water from the pool into nearby sewers. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial Pool at Lafayette Park was closed after 36-year-old Marie Joseph's body surfaced June 28, perhaps two days after she drowned. Authorities have said the cloudy water hid her body in the pool's murky deep end. The death of the Newport, R.I., hotel housekeeper from Haiti has been ruled an accident.

So draining the pool isn't standard procedure after finding a floater? I mean how many more mistakes can this pool make. What did they do the day they found the body floating in murky water? Skim it out and add some chlorine and shock and check the pH balance? The fuck is going on down in Fall River these days? Can we just get them some general pool maintenance lessons and try to move on past this? I mean every day a new headline embarrasses the city more and more.  Guys the pool should have been drained like 3 weeks ago. There was a dead body in it for days...use some common sense, we're not trying to start a new bubonic plague here.

Boston Ascends to its Rightful Position: Named Meanest City in America.

DEAR BOSTON: Your personality test has been completed, and the results aren’t pretty. Actually, they are downright embarrassing. Two psychologists conducted a national survey, asking Americans questions designed to measure 24 “character strengths.’’ They grouped some of these strengths, like gratitude and valuing emotional connections, as “strengths of the heart’’ - a fancy way of saying kindness. And then, for each of the nation’s 50 largest cities, they calculated an average score. The conclusion: Boston came in at number 50. As in, dead last. As in, none of the country’s other major cities - not New York, not Los Angeles, not even Washington, D.C. - can match us for sheer smallness of spirit. We are officially the capital of mean...Now it would be easy, in typical Boston fashion, to get defensive at this point. Who do these people think they are - these outsiders, no less - taking potshots at our fair city? But there is a vital message here, one that we all need to hear. And I can assure you that these particular outsiders, the University of Michigan’s Nansook Park and Christopher Peterson, don’t have anything against us.

 Well thank goodness for that, I'd hate to think that we were becoming some ninny politically correct city like DC or the land of peace loving hippies, hipsters, and phonies like LA.  

And leave it to a bunch of outsiders complaining about us being "too mean" good lord people, pre-school was like 20+ years ago, newsflash you can't make it through life going around hugging and loving everyone you see while singing and dancing with an ambiguously gay purple dinosaur. Shit just isn't real life.

You're god damn right we're mean and guarded, it's the only way to keep everyone out of our business. Just let us be. We'll keep telling everyone how we're one of America's great cities and bragging about sports and the Greenway and shit, and making fun of people from other cities all we want.  Plus if you like everyone and every thing how do I know if you're being phony or not? Listen, no one is that happy-go lucky, we're just not full of shit like the rest of the country. We respect honesty, a solid 70% of the time people are miserable, worrying about bills, worrying about schedules and appointments, failing tests, projects at work, its all stressful, you've got to release it somewhere.

Plus, there's an us against them mentality here and its kinda served us well, if you believe you're the best and believe everyone else is inferior (even NY, though deep down what makes us so angry is that we know its not true), you'll be the best, so with all do respect, how about you shut the hell up and go bother some other city that maybe gives a care about what some dorky report out of Michigan says, because for the most part we're happy with they way things are...except for the goddamn winters, I hate the winters.

Vancouver Cash Cab Kills A Pedestrian

VANCOUVER -- A man was struck and killed Saturday in Vancouver by a replica taxi used in the Canadian version of the game show "Cash Cab," TMZ reported...."Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim and his friends and his family," said Andrew Burnstein, president of "Cash Cab" producers Castlewood Productions. "My heart also goes out to the driver of the vehicle, a member of our technical staff, who is shaken and devastated by this tragic accident, as is our entire team." No charges have been filed yet in the incident. Burnstein said the producer who was driving the vehicle and the rest of the "Cash Cab" production team are cooperating with Vancouver police.

I'm sure the families settlement with Cash Cab will be paid after answering 10 or so fairly simple trivia questions.

Boy, who could have ever seen this one coming? A cab with a flashing disco floor as its ceiling and a driver who's job it is to read questions to his passengers off an in-dash television? Perfectly safe.

Though it is worth pointing out that the American version of Cash Cab has operated in the overly populated streets of Manhattan for a few years without killing anyone, so maybe the cab itself isn't that dangerous, maybe the real problem was putting a Canadian behind the wheel.  

PS: I'd kill to know what kind of "trivia" questions they ask on Canadian game shows, I imagine it's along the lines of: "What is the average syrup yield from a mature Canadian Maple tree?" or "How many sheeps does one have to sheer in order to make an adult large flannel lumberjack shirt?"

Man With F*ck You Attempts Check Fraud...Obviously Arrested for Looking Suspicious

REDDING,Calif. -- A Shasta County inmate's picture has gone viral, not because of the crime he's accused of, but because of the tattoo across his forehead. Investigators say 21 year old Patrick Brooks tried cashing a check from Cottonwood Bible Baptist Church at a check- cashing store on Bechelli Lane Monday. His mugshot shows the prominent tattoo, which features a four-letter word starting with the letter "f."But store manager, Glenn Bassett got suspicious when he saw Brooks’ forehead which had an obscenity tattooed on it.

There’s certain things you just have to give up when you tattoo FUCK YOU on you forehead, and felony bank fraud is one of them.  You could have walked in there with your sweet old grandma and her purse of change looking to open yourself a new college fund and these people would have assumed you were up to no good.  Fact is you’ve left very few things for yourself to do. Hoodlum, hoodrat, maybe pimp, that’s really about it…you can’t even be a drug mule, because really, is anyone going to trust the guy with obscenities plastered on his face to make it through airport security with a balloon of coke up their ass? For sure not my friend, for sure not.

Employee Quits Taco Bell Via Neon Sign

DEPEW, N.Y. (WIVB) - A former employee at the Taco Bell/KFC at Transit and Losson in Depew chose to make a bold statement when they decided to leave their position.
The employee left a message on the fast food restaurant's exterior sign Thursday night announcing they quit. The sign reads, "I quit - Adam / **** you :)"

Great until you realize the guy worked at a place where it was possible to quit via road side sign…like I’m 100% assured that I’m not going to roll up to my corporate work place today and see a 30 foot tall neon sign announcing today’s specials or kiddie toy of the week.  This story is just a solid reminder that no matter how much I gripe about my work, at least it’s a decent, respectable adult job. ..because you’re goddamn right if my work had a neon sign like this I’d be quitting via message board…I’d even keep it under 140 characters so it would be Retweeted.

Good News: That Crazy Lizzie Borden/Casey Anthony E-Mailer is Back!

Check out the comment section of this blog for Wicked's, our resident psychotic empath (so you know this is going to be good) most recent ramblings...here are a few snippets.

-sorry for laughing at your skeptical and negative response and to be honest its fairly typical of a unenlightened person. - It's true...I'm fairly unenlightented...I've never seen the Virgin Mary in my French Toast or heard voices in my head. When you're right, you're right.

- I am a Empath .. you my dear can google that . It is a highly sensitive person who has the ability to scan not all but most energies and pick up on different things. - You actually did teach me something...I always thought the phrase was endpath, you learn something new everyday. Though learning the proper spelling isn't the same as buying into a crock of shit.  Fairly certain the guy claiming the rapture was an empath, most leaders of cults too...actually the drunk homeless guy I chatted with outside the bar last weekend told me my aura was purple, he must have the gift as well.  You're in good company. Also, sometimes I have premonitions about what re-run episode of my favorite sitcoms will be on later that night, is that a gift as well?

- Yes, I know reincarnation is real ... I have had the opportunity to see things and have memories that not all have been privey too . No darling... we don't digress and become beatles or flys lmao at least not in my belief system !!! looool ty for the giggles. - Those are called dreams, we all have them, most of us are sane enough to recognize that they're not real, random brain firings of the imagination and memories combined.  Oh and the regression part? That's from Buddhism, one of the oldest religions in the world, you're welcome for the giggles but as someone that believes in reincarnation you'd think you were aware of its most popular religious practices...you should probably do your homework.

-Studies on death and dieing show that people that were terminally ill were placed on a scale and at the moment of death .. The body drops a ounce in weight and .. I can read you pretty well and more then likely you will say of course they took a dump !!!- First I've heard this, I'd love to see the studies...I'd also love to know if you're aware how much an ounce of weight is...its like if you exhaled the air in your lungs...its next to nothing. It's certainly not some ancient spirit leaving the body.

You're Up.

Dr. Jack: 35 Key Bullet Points To Prepare Anyone for Breaking Bad's Season 4 Premiere

“Breaking Bad” will premiere its fourth season this Sunday on AMC. I know what most of you who do not watch the show are thinking. “I’m not going to start watching a show in its fourth season. I don’t care how good it is, I’ve missed too much.” Now, yes you would be right, you’ve missed A LOT. More than I could ever fully recap here. But what you can still learn is the minimum of what you need to know to begin watching the escapades of Walter White come this Sunday.

It’s a fantastic show. One Chuck Klosterman just called the best show of the past 10 years on Grantland. So if you have the time, and let’s be honest, it’s Friday so you probably have the time, take a look at a few key bullet points from the past three seasons of “Breaking Bad”. When you’re finished you should be all prepared to enter Walter White’s world.

Season 1

• Walter White is a chemistry teacher who finds out he has terminal lung cancer.
• Walt has a wife named Skylar, a teenage son named Walter Jr. who has Cerebral Palsy, and a daughter on the way.
• Walt has no savings to speak of, and therefore becomes increasingly nervous he will have nothing to leave his family when he passes away.
• Walt’s brother-in-law is a DEA agent (Hank) who takes him on a crystal meth sting, where Walt sees one of his former students (Jesse) escaping the scene.
• Walt and Jesse then team up to produce and sell the perfect blend of meth, with Walt knowing the chemistry and Jesse “knowing” the drug trade.
• As Walt begins to make money, he is able to pay for his hugely expensive medical treatments.
• Walt begins going by the pseudonym “Heisenberg”.
• Walt and Jesse become hooked up with a kingpin named Tuco, who, after making a deal with Walt and Jesse, proceeds to beat one of his thugs to death.
• Walt Season 1 Murder Count = 1, a rival dealer he chokes to death, who Jesse then “dissolves” in a bathtub, which falls through the ceiling, leaving Jesse and Walt to mop up the dealer’s remains.

Season 2

• Tuco, tweaked out on meth and severely paranoid, kidnaps Jesse and Walt, Walt and Jesse eventually get away after wounding Tuco. Hank traces Jesse’s (who he thinks is Walt’s pot dealer) car to Tuco’s hideout and kills Tuco in a shootout as Walt and Jesse run away unseen.
• Jesse is kicked out of his house and eventually moves into a split home next to the renter and recovering addict, Jane, who Jesse starts seeing.
• Walt and Jesse try to just be distributors and one of their dealers gets pinched. They hire local ambulance chaser Saul Goodman to get him out.
• Walt gets favorable medical news and is told a very expensive surgery would further improve his chances.
• Needing more money than ever, Saul hooks Walt up with a wholesaler, local fast food chicken restaurant owner Gus.
• Walt delivers their latest batch for $1.2 million while Skylar goes into labor, Jane, who is now back on drugs, convinces Jesse to blackmail Walt for more money.
• Walt tells Skylar about his second cell phone under sedation and that coupled with all his other secrets from the last few months leads Skylar to order Walt to leave the house.
• Jane overdoses and her father is so traumatized he ignores his responsibilities as an air-traffic controller and causes a major plane crash with the wreckage landing on Walt’s lawn and car.
• Walt Season 2 Murder Count = 1, he arrives at Jesse’s house just as Jane begins to OD and instead of helping her, he lets her die in front of him, ridding him of her threats of blackmail.

Season 3

• Jesse is in rehab and Walt tells Skylar he’s a drug dealer and she promptly wants a divorce.
• Two twin drug dealers who are Tuco’s cousins come to hunt Walt because they believe he killed Tuco.
• As Walt attempts to reconcile with Skylar by ignoring her divorce demands, she sleeps with her boss to get back at him.
• Gus tries to get Walt cooking again and offers him $3 million and has built an underground lab for production, and he also persuades the twins to leave Walt alone until their business is finished.
• Walt begins cooking for Gus with a new partner named Gale as Jesse has gone off on his own.
• Hank, who’s been chasing “Heisenberg”, tracks Jesse’s trailer down with Walt inside. Having no other option of getting him to leave, they have Saul’s assistant call Hank saying his wife Marie has been in an accident and Hank then flees.
• When Hank realizes Jesse has tricked him, he goes to his house and beats him to a pulp.
• Walt convinces Jesse to not press charges against Hank by allowing him back into their partnership.
• Gus tells the twins Hank is the one who killed Tuco and the three have a bloody showdown in a parking lot, which leaves one twin dead, one missing his legs (who later dies) and Hank paralyzed.
• Skylar offers to pay for Hank’s medical bills with Walt’s drug money, but tells Marie it’s from gambling.
• Jesse, trying to skim off the top, tries selling extra meth on the side. He hooks up with an addict named Andrea whose young brother was forced by dealers to kill one of Jesse’s friends last season.
• Jesse wants vengeance, but the dealers are Gus’, who forbids it. Later, Andrea’s young brother is found murdered.
• Jesse goes to kill the dealers but as he does Walt drives up killing one of the dealers, and then gets out and shoots the other in the head, then tells Jesse to run.
• Gus brings back Gale as Walt’s assistant and Walt soon realizes Gus has instructed Gale to memorize the meth recipe so he can get rid of Walt.
• Walt, knowing Gus’ plan, sends Jesse to kill Gale so no one besides Walt and Jesse know the recipe, making them indispensable.
• Gus’ men pick up Walt and take them to the lab to kill him, but Walt calls Jesse and tells him to kill Gale now, who then pulls the trigger.
• Walt Season 3 Murder Count = 3, the two dealers and he basically forces Jesse to kill Gale.

That’s really all you need to know, and if this sounds like the type of stuff that might interest you then you’re all set for Sunday. Enjoy the premiere!

-Dr. Jack

Man Trolls Cops During TV Interview...Probably Expecting Serious Payback.

What's the official over/under on how many times this guy's been pulled over for traffic violations since this interview? 4, 5 times per week? Seems fair, right.

Because not matter what your thoughts on your local police force, I'd say its always a bad move to troll them sarcastically. Write a thought out op-ed piece for a newspaper, sure. Give a serious, stern intervew on tv, acceptable...make smarmy, hysterical jokes about your local officers, now you're asking for it, that'll get you the Rodney King treatment 9/10.  The last thing a cop wants is a guy who gets a crowd to laugh at them...most of them became cops to keep the good times from high school rolling, just substituting homeless people for nerds, and minorities, for well actually just minorities.  They didn't take the job to be made fun of, mocked, and humiliated by crowds.

Company Softball is Ruining My Blogging Career

Straight up ruining it, the later nights, the mid week beers, waking up and just wanting to smash my alarm clock into little pieces and go back to bed…none of it is conducive to blogging apparently.

My night time routine right now is a joke, get out of work, pound beers and softballs, make a few web gems in the field (I easily lead the league in UZR) finish the beers, order pizza or sub at 10:00 pm, go to bed like 20 minutes after inhaling said food…Just living the life of a degenerate.

Of course none of this would be a problem if I’d found a co-blogger by now (all due respect to Dr. Jack) to help carry the daily load. Seriously, if anyone out there has any interest in writing on a daily-semi daily basis let me know, if you’re a tool and mildly funny, you’re in…That’s it, those are our qualifications, we’re pretty desperate. If I have to wake up one more morning and have to force myself to chug high-octane coffee just to quiet the pounding in my head and get a post up by 9 am, I’m going to lose my mind.