Indoor Soccer Week 1

Most of you won't care about this blog, tough shit. I'm going to give a weekly update after each game.  I entertain all of you for free each and every day, you can suffer through one soccer post per week.

Week 1 of the indoor soccer season started last night and ended in exciting, yet ultimately disappointing fashion.  

The final result was a 10-10 tie (this is the disappointing portion).  As a competitive adult I have a huge problem with anything that is allowed to end in a tie.  While we all understand the league is for fun, leaving the game as a tie is a very bitter tasting result.  We're adults, we're not children playing tee-ball where they don't keep score.  I think we can handle winning and losing and still understand that its all in fun.  I fail to see the harm playing out an additional five minutes would have caused.  We played for 60 minutes and scored 20 combined goals, that's a goal every three minutes, its not like it would have taken long (that's what she said). Ok, enough with the negatives.

The exciting part came when our team miraculously scored the game tying goal with mere seconds remaining on a great assist from our goalie, The Huz.  Aside from the tying assist, The Huz gets this weeks game ball for two additional reasons.  First, his nickname is The Huz, I've typed it three times already and am still trying to think of more ways I could mention it.  I'm a huge fan of nicknames that begin with "The" so there was a good chance he was getting the game ball even if he had completely sucked (he didn't).  Secondly, two deserving candidates were disqualified for scoring own goals, fortunately for those two (who will remain nameless as not to bring shame to their families) the own goals will not result in the same fate as poor Andres Escobar (pictured above), this week anyway.

PS: Our team is still searching for a suitable name (The Alt Tabs was offered, however I've been told that corporate sponsorship usually comes with corporate funding, which we here at The Alt-Tabs do not have).  Currently we're recognized by our default name B-8 or our jersey color (yellow/gold).  Please leave a comment with possible team names and I'll submit it to the team for consideration.  That's right, one of you could be lucky enough to name our indoor soccer team (no cash, reward, or any other form of prize included, just the self satisfaction of bringing joy to a B-league adult co-ed indoor soccer team. If that's not enough for you then you should probably take a real long look at yourself in the mirror and evaluate what your life has become).  

RIP Sparky Anderson

THOUSAND OAKS, Calif. -- Hall of Fame manager Sparky Anderson has died, his family announced Wednesday. He was 76. Anderson, who managed the Cincinnati Reds and Detroit Tigers to World Series titles, died as a result of complications from dementia, family spokesman Dan Ewald said in a statement.

Look, this is a truly sad day for baseball and that's to be respected. But can we talk about how Sparky was only 76 years old?  Come on, he's got to be lying right?  Probably got his birth certificate in the same dark back room that all the Dominicans get their false papers?  Check out this baseball card of Ol' Sparky, ITS FROM 1981!  Am I really expected to believe that he was only 47 years old in that picture? Really?   The guy retired for good in 1995, I assumed back then it was to go be with his family before he passed away. I've heard of people aging because of hard living but this is just too much.  The guy would have had to be drinking, dipping, chain smoking, and dabbling in hookers every day since puberty to look like that at 47 years old.  I'm just shocked. Shocked and disbelieving. 

If I knew he was still alive all these years I'd have assumed he was pushing some kind of world record.  So I'll give the family a few days to grieve but after that I'm going to push for a full investigation, there is no way he was a day under 114. 

TSA Prank

Philly.Com - A Transportation Security Administration worker who pretended to find drugs in a passenger's bag at Philadelphia International Airport in January had played the prank more than once and told one of his victims that "she would have to admit it was funny," according to TSA documents...The TSA officer was supposed to be checking equipment instead of passengers, the documents said, and the white substance he had with him was creatine powder, not cocaine. When he tried to trick his second victim, presumably Solomon, with the creatine, she did not take it well.

Now this is the kind of fun and games I was talking about yesterday.  Just good, clean, fun...until this Solomon character came along and ruined everything.  Only someone who actually had something to hide would be upset here because this is quite possibly the prank of the year so far.  I'd say there is a 50-50 shot that Rebecca Solomon actually is a drug mule.  The only mistake he made here was playing the prank on a chic.  A common rookie mistake, chic's just do not take practical jokes well.  Its a biological defect.

And yes, if it happened to me I'd probably shit a brick at first, I couldn't handle prison, they'd flip me before we even got back to the interrogation room.  I'd be giving up sources that don't even exist.  I'd give the names of everyone I knew who'd ever smoked a joint or purchased beer for minors, because make no mistake about it, I protect my ass first and foremost (literally).  But after they clue me in on the joke I'd be laughing it up with everyone else, I love and respect a good prank.  I'd probably join those overpaid security guards for a beer at Cheers or whatever overpriced bar was located in the terminal (I'd also make some calls and tell everyone I just sold out they should probably lay low for a while). 

Bottom line is this, if this guy got fired for being a riot then I've got a job for him over here at Alt-Tabs.  Weekly segment pulling real pranks on real unsuspecting people and recording.  Total compensation: $5 dollars a prank and all the company stock you want.  

Jealous?

Yeah I got two, who are you to judge?  Bottom line is I didn't make it over to McD's for opening day yesterday so I had to make up for that today or I would have never forgave myself.

I Can't Stop Laughing at this Commercial

Honestly, I don't even have a funny crack about this, I just can't stop laughing at this commercial each time I see this giant on his hands and knees in these tiny sets.  My question is, did they seriously construct miniature sets and cans of soup for this? Because if they did I'm flying out to LA for the day just to play around on the set.  Its a little known secret that I've always wanted to see what it would be like to be a giant ever since I first heard the story of Jack and the Beanstalk.  You can imagine how disappointed I am that I turned out to be exactly average in size by just about any measure. Today I'm going to rectify that.

When Is It Time To Quit?

CNN - It's hard to quit a job, especially these days. It takes courage to realize that your current position just isn't for you, then tender your resignation and head back into an unstable job market.

Yet sometimes, things happen that make it a whole lot easier to leave. Whether it's a ridiculous outburst from your crazy boss, the realization that you have to persuade yourself to get out of your car and go into your office each morning, or just another sleepless night worrying about work -- sometimes, we just have those "Aha!" moments and we suddenly know we've been pushed over the edge and there's no turning back. It's quittin' time.

And the article goes on to list a few people's scenarios surrounding their decision to quit. To no one's surprise CNN only published the stories where the subject ended up happier in the end because it was "the best decision they ever made."  But I have to wonder, how many submissions did they receive were along the lines of;

 

"I was really bored in my job, because of the economy and lack of turnover I felt like I was going nowhere and decided it was time for a change.  Upon quitting I realized that maybe starting a job search in the middle of a great recession was a terrible idea. I was jobless for 6 months before taking this job at McDonalds making a fraction of what I made before and serving assholes from my former job McRibs on their lunch break as they laugh at the string of decisions I made."   

I assume they received more e-mails like that than any others, why show the rosy side of quitting? Because they're a liberal slanted media outlet and Liberals want you to think its always roses and sunshine, if you don't feel like doing something or it gets too hard then just quit, something good will come along.  Bullshit. I rarely lash out at CNN but their Career advice articles are constantly full of optimistic ramblings designed to blow smoke up your ass and get you to ignore the realities around you.  A little realism wouldn't hurt every now and then (for the record the woman in the story that had a stapler thrown at her head was the only one who had just cause to up and quit, that shit hurts, my stapler once fell off my top shelf and cracked me in the forehead).

Note that I'm not quitting, or even think of quitting.  Sure I'm on a meteoric rise to a job that I'll in all likelihood hate once I get there, but I'm going to ride that shit out.  If this morning has taught me anything its that full time blogging from home is definitely not an option for me.  I've been up for 2 and a half hours and I literally had to force myself to write this lazy excuse for a blog.  And then it dawned on me, its because this is work today. On a normal day this is a quick release, a way to keep myself from becoming a corporate clone like everyone else.  Today its just a job and that sucks, so no, there will be no full time Alt-Tabs.  Not yet anyway (not to mention that the lack of ads, sponsorship or traction among readers will make it pretty difficult to get by).

Big Day Tomorrow

4 Day weekend coming up for CW, only I gots no real plans to speak of for tomorrow so I've decided to try living the life of a full time blogger for the day.  Wake up around 10, watch some Sportscenter, eat some cereal in my boxers, and then browse the internet and report on what I find all day long, maybe fit a shower in there somewhere, who knows?  The only thing thats certain is I'll be making blogging history with the Alt-Tabs first full time day of work.

As most of you don't know, or even care to know, this site was started the last time I was bored at home on a day off from the cube farm.  The result of that decision has been a steady stream of insight into my rants, thoughts, opinions, thoughtpinions, and musings on a wide, yet shallow range of topics.  The only problem is that stream has been constricted to only my friends and pretend friends (via facebook).  Well no more.  I'm going to make a point of going down and joining the cheap bastards who mooch off the free wi-fi of Panera and Starbucks to conduct some gorilla advertising the likes of which the public has seen countless times before.  It's not that I don't appreciate the 60 or so of you who visit, I just feel that my rather juvenile ramblings should  be shared with so many more and since you guys telling your friends one at a time each Friday like I ask you to do ( you are doing that right? Right?) doesn't seem to be increasing the readership it looks like I'll be taking it upon myself.

Mike And Molly

Fox News - A writer for Marie Claire magazine was forced to issue an apology Tuesday for writing an online opinion column in which she called overweight people "aesthetically displeasing" and compared them to alcoholics and heroin addicts...In her column, Kelly railed against the CBS sitcom “Mike and Molly” and compared watching an obese person to “watching a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroin addict slumping in a chair.”...

Among her criticisms were:

“I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything.”

 “I guess these characters are in Overeaters Anonymous. So ... points for trying?”

 “I have a few friends who could be called plump. I’m not some size-ist jerk.”

 “I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room.”

Ummm, so what did she do wrong here and why is she apologizing?  Look, what she says may be mean spirited, and probably would offend me if I were the size of those two land monsters (just like the term land monster would) but the woman writes a blog, its an expression of opinion, don't apologize.  She is not a politician, reporter or influence maker of any kind. I'm so tired of people having to apologize for expressing their opinions in a forum where people have a choice to listen or turn away. 

So she doesn't feel comfortable watching fat people beat around the bush (very large bushes in their case) about intimacy.  I think most people if they're being completely honest would agree here, its a bit unsettling and I certainly don't want to watch it while I'm eating anything.

The truly sad thing here is I think both of these people are actually decent actors and could be funny in just about any role, unfortunately they've been type cast as the fat people that they are and are forced to deliver food, clothing and other size related jokes to the background accompaniment of laugh tracks (your show sucks if you have to encourage your audience to laugh).  Where were all these people who were writing into Marie Claire about a blog with a readership barely larger than yours truly's when the writers of Mike and Molly were pitching a show loaded with fat jokes and fat people innuendos?  Shouldn't they be more outraged that the only job two Super Plus sized people could land (despite their talent) was a show that would poke fun at their size? Hypocritical politically correct assholes as usual.

Fun Things To Do At Work

Yeah browsing the internet and Alt-Tabbing it here can kill time and occasionally be fun but what do you guys do to really cut loose while at the office? Any games to speak of?  See today is my Friday and I'm looking to take slacking off to a whole new level today.  

Prior to becoming a lower level leader my old team used to have tons of games and pranks we'd play back and forth.  This was back when I enjoyed going to work, not so much any more.  I'm sure a large part of that has to do with joining the quasi-middle manager ranks,  you lose all the shenanigans, pranks and camaraderie that you have as an entry level worker.  Its similar to how kids lose their imagination and creativity once they start hitting the teen years (of course the analogy falls apart there; teens lose their imagination because they're too distracted by their hormones and the pursuit of one day having sex, I've lost my fun and shenanigans because of responsibilities, nagging clients and never ending excel sheets).  I'm changing that today, having a throw back day of sorts, I'll be bringing back some of the activities of my younger years before I became a corporate shill, feel free to join me or put my ideas in play at your place of business:

Elastics: Pretty straight forward, four or five of us would raid the supply closet and have all out war for the work week.  We had one rule, no straight on shots, didn't need anyone yelping in pain giving the whole thing away.  But shots deflected off the ceiling, cube walls, computer screen etc...were encouraged.

Crosswords: Find the simplest crossword puzzle you can in one of your areas free newspapers, pick up a bunch of copies and distribute to your friends.  Race to finish, googling is aloud but you'll receive the appropriate amount of shit from the purists among us.  This is time killing, fun and decreases productivity for a whole group of people.

Nerf Gun Wars-  You have to be careful with this one in the 0 tolerance world we live in now.  But back a couple years ago my whole team of 8 or 9 people had arsenals of nerf guns that we'd break out when elastics just weren't getting the job done (I even had a nerf sniper rifle that shot up to 80 feet with a scope). This is extremely fun but hard to hide so you'd better hope your office is ok with this type of tom-foolery.

Cologne Wars- Its pretty simple, find the worst smelling cologne or perfume you can (Brut for men works well, you can buy it at Walgreens) and spray it in unsuspecting co-workers cubes (on their chair, on a napkin hidden under the desk, in a drawer, you get the idea), hope they don't tie it back to you and watch them exact pay back on an innocent team member.

Barricading Absent Cubes- A team building effort corporate would be proud of.  Its exactly as it sounds, gather a group, and block off or fill someones cube with boxes and stacks of paper.  This can also be used in a spiteful way if you have someone that's calling out to often and pushing all their work off on you.  Load up that cube while they're out and let them come back into the mess.