Fun Things To Do At Work

Yeah browsing the internet and Alt-Tabbing it here can kill time and occasionally be fun but what do you guys do to really cut loose while at the office? Any games to speak of?  See today is my Friday and I'm looking to take slacking off to a whole new level today.  

Prior to becoming a lower level leader my old team used to have tons of games and pranks we'd play back and forth.  This was back when I enjoyed going to work, not so much any more.  I'm sure a large part of that has to do with joining the quasi-middle manager ranks,  you lose all the shenanigans, pranks and camaraderie that you have as an entry level worker.  Its similar to how kids lose their imagination and creativity once they start hitting the teen years (of course the analogy falls apart there; teens lose their imagination because they're too distracted by their hormones and the pursuit of one day having sex, I've lost my fun and shenanigans because of responsibilities, nagging clients and never ending excel sheets).  I'm changing that today, having a throw back day of sorts, I'll be bringing back some of the activities of my younger years before I became a corporate shill, feel free to join me or put my ideas in play at your place of business:

Elastics: Pretty straight forward, four or five of us would raid the supply closet and have all out war for the work week.  We had one rule, no straight on shots, didn't need anyone yelping in pain giving the whole thing away.  But shots deflected off the ceiling, cube walls, computer screen etc...were encouraged.

Crosswords: Find the simplest crossword puzzle you can in one of your areas free newspapers, pick up a bunch of copies and distribute to your friends.  Race to finish, googling is aloud but you'll receive the appropriate amount of shit from the purists among us.  This is time killing, fun and decreases productivity for a whole group of people.

Nerf Gun Wars-  You have to be careful with this one in the 0 tolerance world we live in now.  But back a couple years ago my whole team of 8 or 9 people had arsenals of nerf guns that we'd break out when elastics just weren't getting the job done (I even had a nerf sniper rifle that shot up to 80 feet with a scope). This is extremely fun but hard to hide so you'd better hope your office is ok with this type of tom-foolery.

Cologne Wars- Its pretty simple, find the worst smelling cologne or perfume you can (Brut for men works well, you can buy it at Walgreens) and spray it in unsuspecting co-workers cubes (on their chair, on a napkin hidden under the desk, in a drawer, you get the idea), hope they don't tie it back to you and watch them exact pay back on an innocent team member.

Barricading Absent Cubes- A team building effort corporate would be proud of.  Its exactly as it sounds, gather a group, and block off or fill someones cube with boxes and stacks of paper.  This can also be used in a spiteful way if you have someone that's calling out to often and pushing all their work off on you.  Load up that cube while they're out and let them come back into the mess.

Little Jersey Shore

Someone call child services, I think Vinny's been kidnapped.

Obama Gets his Payback

PROVIDENCE, R.I.—The Democratic candidate for Rhode Island governor, widely seen as more conservative than the independent seeking to lead the heavily Democratic state, said Monday that President Barack Obama can "shove it" after learning Obama would not endorse him.

Well at least the day wasn't a total loss for the Pres. Sure the Democrats lost control of the House, and their control of the Senate is very much up for grabs.  But at least the Pres was able to escape complete embarrassment in sending Caprio to the losers circle (yea its still early in the night but this looks sure enough).

Make no mistake about it, if Obama managed to lose House and Senate control all while being mocked by a political nobody like Caprio with no repurcussions I would have launched a full fledged appeal for his impeachment.  The guy is already a softy, we didn't need Putin and Chavez thinking our President can be pushed around by DJ Paulie D wannabees from Rhode Island. We would have had to do some of that bearing of arms against the government that my man Basil Marceaux was talking about.

Wasted Talent

His showmanship might be worth dick but he gets an A+ for creativeness.  This guy certainly shouldn't be wasting away teaching math in what looks to be a community college classroom.  He'd probably be better suited to coming up with commercials for someone like UPS. 

I'm so tired of seeing that smarmy, smug, Mona Lisa looking asshole doodling on his whiteboard.  How long can that guy live off of one stupid idea?

Meet Basil Marceaux.com

Whoa! You scared me, thought you were a cop (you do know impersonating a cop is a felony right).

 Honestly, what this guy needs is a Milli or Vanilli out here lip synching this speech for him.  He's clearly a lucid thinker but his walrus like image isn't impressing anyone.  But his underlying point is right, we can't defend ourselves against the government with slingshots and stones while they have patriot missiles, we need to arm up.  Every man, woman and child needs to have a rocket launcher for their protection and Basil is the guy to get that done.  That's what the constitutional writers would have wanted.  Because if we can't defend ourselves against our own government the whole system falls apart.  

If I can't march down to my governors office without my posse and our weaponry and tell them when I think they're doing a bad job then this isn't the America I want to be a part of.  Or maybe I'll just go the traditional route and vote against Deval Patrick today.


So as a reminder, its voting day today, do your constitutional duty and view my previous selections for political office...Jimmy McMillan and Phil Davison

PS. Did he have his last name legally changed to Marceaux.com? He knows that just because its the name of the website that its not really his  name right?

How Much Would You Pay for the Mystery Can?

Well if you worked where I do you would pay something like $4.00 or whatever ridiculous price the vending machines are charging right now.  Price gouging fascists.  But if we're talking a standard $1.25-1.50 here I don't see how you don't pick the mystery can.  Sure you could get stuck with something awful like Dr. Thunder or some sort of RC Cola, or worse, club soda.  But there's always the chance that you strike it rich with a Mellow Yellow or Jolt (orange flavor only, the rest sucked), or my all time favorite counter culture soda, Wild Cherry Pepsi.  That'll create some jealous looks. 

If someone other than me was crushing a mellow yellow while copy and pasting excel sheets while I'm stuck with a Fanta (how is that not one of the mystery options) I'd talk so much shit about their job performance and how they must have it in with some of the higher ups or slept with the right person.  I'd honestly rather know someone less deserving got a raise than me snagging some kinda Jones Soda while Timmy from HR hits the jackpot with the Wild Cherry Pepsi.  It's pissing me off just thinking about it (could just be because I'm thinking of HR).

Day from Hell

I was going to get a few more blogs out today, I swear...but I didn't.  You see folks, I spent the day in my own little personal hell called e-mail jail.


You know the kind of day I'm talking about, you clear out two or three client requests and all of a sudden you have seven new emails. 

Three of them you can delete, probably just info about corporate picnics, glad handing and back slapping about promotions among executives (I swear some of them just swap jobs and titles on a yearly basis to make it look like they were promoted.  I dare you to tell me the difference between global rep of client services and global rep of client relations. You can't do it), or our executive staff's blogs (yes you have more readers than I do, but thats only because your thoughts and opinions are tied to our job security so we feel forced.  I'm pretty sure people would pick banging it here for Alt-Tabs and mindless rants over economic theory and musings from their latest business trips, right?)

The other four, just straight up misery.  Some nagging requests about things you probably could have completed a couple weeks ago but were too busy blogging about McRibs (Wednesdays the big day!), questions that you seemingly answer weekly, and then there is the occasional bomb. The "Oh I know its the first of the month and you're probably busy, but we meant to ask for this a week ago and now its due today can sludge through this 1,000 line excell sheet and kiss my ass while doing it" request. 

Yep, today was the perfect storm , 3 or 4 bombs, a few items I personally procrastinated on (and continute to procrastinate on, like I've said before, do the important work, let other shit slide) and a shit ton of dumb requests that I've answered over and over again to the point where I have the answers memorized (for the record I received 187 e-mails today)

I'll be back tomorrow, right now there is a barstool calling my name...

Brilliant

Scanning for hilarious Craigslist ads used to be one of my favorite things to do when killing time.  Then the Craigslist Killer went and ruined all the fun.  A guy can't browse hysterical personals and for trade ads at work anymore without his co-worker assuming he enjoys killing broads and stealing their panties.  All I ever wanted was for it to be acceptable to laugh at other peoples miserable predicaments to take my mind off my 4X6 cell cube for a while.  Maybe this video will usher in that era again.

Its Year End Review Season

It's time for year end reviews at work once again.  Self assessments, one-on-one meetings, and all around phoniness.  Has anyone ever approached a review with complete sincerity? I'd say I treat about 30% of my review truthfully and honestly.  The rest of it I look at as another chance to freshen up on my corporate jargon...out-performance, synergy, cohesiveness, team building, right sizing, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.

I have to answer about 20 different questions, all beating around the bush instead of asking one simple question: Did you do a good job this year? Yes, No, and why?  Instead I'm filling out a review longer than the math section on the SAT's.

And HR wonders why we hate everything they come up with?  Their job is to make sure people use common sense, yet they never use it themselves.  The secret is they know just how dispensable their jobs are and in order to protect themselves they create these ludicrous reviews and training seminars, and make simple tasks such as reviews, benefits, and firing folks as complicated as possible.  So complicated that I had to lash out in a blog because God forbid I take this complaint to HR.  There would be documents to complete, focus groups formed, review boards called, and some nice bar charts created, all to come to the determination that they're nagging the shit out of the employees.  

This isn't the last corporate rant you'll hear today.