Alt-Tabs

More postings to follow today, here's a little something to get you started.

United Nations Appoints Space Alien Ambassador - Mazlan Othman, a Malaysian astrophysicist, is set to be tasked with co-ordinating humanity’s response if and when extraterrestrials make contact.  Mrs Othman is currently head of the UN’s little known Office for Outer Space Affairs (Unoosa).  Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

I’m not sure what I should be more worried about.  The fact that the UN is wasting time appointing delegates to intergalactic visitors despite on going wars and several conflicts with the potential for war world wide, or the fact that the UN deemed this a necessary post so contact is presumably inevitable and forthcoming.  Am I supposed to be outraged at the complete lack of credibility shown by the worlds governing body, or scared to the point of building an underground bunker in my backyard?  

To be honest, I’m leaning towards the bunker here.  I mean the UN’s had since 1967 to come up with a better plan and all they’ve come up with is castration for any visiting aliens.  And it’s not like it’s a bunch of government appointed lackeys just wasting everyone’s time.  Stephen Hawking (the smartest man on earth) is comparing these bastards to Christopher Columbus when he killed off Native Americans left and right.  Yep, I’m definitely heading down to Home Depot, hope their Do it Yourself experts have experience in alien proof bunkers.

Conservatives more Manly than Liberals? - Liberals don’t believe in the ultimate concept of self-reliance, which is why they look to the government for stability. Extravagant welfare programs, the near impossibility of getting fired on the public dole and an increasingly complicated tax code are all products of the same deeply rooted concept that man cannot provide for himself.

Another day another Fox story blatantly spreading mis-truths.  Liberals believe in self reliance but they also believe in decency and helping other fellow human beings through institutional means.  But hey, why focus on the truth, much easier to make bold statements with tons of shock value that your misinformed and unintelligent followers can cling to, which would be fine if you were writing for a blog instead of a national news outlet.  Then again you’d have to come up with better jokes than this crap “The financial, emotional, even physical security of the son rests squarely on the shoulders of his father. What could possibly be more manly than providing all of the above for your kin? Maybe bear-wrestling, but legally I’m not allowed to endorse it”  BAHAHAHAHA, oh my god that is not funny.

Boston Subways Apps Available to Track Trains - The T announced today that smartphone apps are available for riders on the Red, Orange, and Blue lines that will tell riders where the trains are and when they will arrive -- eliminating the suspense, if not the wait.

I notice the Green line wasn’t included, I’ll assume this is because it caused the app to crash as often as the actual Green line trains do?  Or did it cause lagging and continual delays?  Guess what MBTA, having an app that tells me the train is late isn’t helping me arrive at my destination any quicker or helping me sweat less when your air conditioners are malfunctioning for the 267^th day in a row. How about addressing real issues with your service the way any legitimate private business would (yes I'm inferring the MBTA is an illegitimate business full of political hacks). 

Porn Industry Shutdown After Positive HIV Test - California's multibillion-dollar adult entertainment industry has been left reeling after another positive HIV test for a porn actor. The revelation Tuesday led to two of the industry's biggest companies shutting down production and a scramble to find partners who may have been exposed by the actor, whose identity and gender have not been released.

Not to make light of HIV/AIDS but isn’t a porn star catching the HIV like your average office worker catching the flu?  Why is this headline news? I just figured people were catching the HIV left and right out in the valley.  I wouldn’t expect to come in to work tomorrow to find the company website letting everyone know that I’m feeling under the weather and advising everyone in my area to go home for a few days until it clears up. 

Yes, Another Haircut Blog

Allright, after the Maestros unmitigated disaster yesterday (seriously, two lames? that doubled the previous record, we're still on probationary status here, we were one lame away from being kicked off the internet) I decided my loyal readers deserved better.  Yes its Thursday, and yes that's normally an off day from blogging for me, but I just care too much about you guys.

So about 15 minutes ago something miraculous happened, I happened to check myself over in the mirror and realized that I'm having my second great hairstyle day in a row.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with this concept it is the merging of the perfect styling with just the right day in your haircut cycle.  This is the first time I can remember it happening twice in one cycle in the history of hair.  Usually great hair style day is like a white whale, you get a quick glimpse and that's it, you're left pining for it until the next haircut cycle.  

I wish I knew what I've done differently to achieve such a historic outcome but I can't think of anything.  So what do I do?  Do I get a trim tonight and ask the barber to take off the day's millimeter of growth? Is there some kind of bizzaro Rogaine product that will stop growth?  Do I load up on wax like Paulie D to keep it stuck in place for a few more days?  I'm at a loss.

I do know one thing though, it looks damn good.  If you see me at Dunks, or wandering the hallway during one of my many breaks at work try not to stare.  While its flattering and appreciated its also rude.  

Chilean Miners Rescued, Skin Still Tanned

I'll be honest I'm a little dissapointed now that the miners are coming to the surface.  Not that I'm not happy for the miserable bastards or their poor families, I just expected more.  These impoverished and malnourished guys just spent 60+ days trapped underground and show no signs of extreme mutant evolution.  Hell the fact that they're not even pale makes me question if this whole thing was a hoax.  Where was this mine anyway? Are we sure it wasn't by the Jersey shore with an ample supply of spray tanner?  Couldn't we have left them down there longer as some kind of social experiment (I smell a reality television show idea!), at least until their pigment fades or they started behaving and looking like some kind of lost Amazon Tribe.  The dudes are coming up rocking Raybans and million dollar smiles, I'm pretty sure they were fine down there, at least they were having a better time than me in this cube.  They'll probably end up with some sweet compensation deal to, like no taxes for life, not to mention the book deals and inevitable Oprah appearance I'm sure they all have lined up.

But here's the question I'm interested in.  You've been stuck underground in a cave for two months with 32 other 3rd world dudes no Old Spice Swagger or Drakar Noir to cover up what I assume is just excruciating B.O., everyone using a corner of the room for piss and shit while you sleep 10 feet away.  So when you reach the surface and finally get home, are you more excited about your wife/mistress (or both in this poor guys case) or the hot shower you can finally take?

Alt-Tabs

McRib is Back! – "It has a ghostly quality," says Mr. Dixon, a 30-year-old graphic novelist. "You don't know when it will appear. It's the girl who you are in love with who has always been a tease to you."On Nov. 2, for the first time in 16 years, McDonald's Corp. will offer the McRib at outlets across the U.S., but even then, only for six weeks or so. "It doesn't sell well all year long because people get tired of it," says McDonald's USA President Jan Fields.

Amen, Mr. Dixon.  You can be damn sure where to find me on Nov. 2^nd at 1:15 PM. I’ll be the one asking if I can buy an whole case of the frozen mystery meat patties. And I don’t care that the sandwich itself has nothing to do with ribs.  Fact is the sight of these precious processed patty sandwiches makes me salivate more than any other food (Tony Roma’s makes a good alternative).  It’s cruelty to their customer base that McD’s makes some markets wait years before bringing these happy meals (in the literal sense, not the titular) back into their lives.  

Russian Jersey Shore Coming - "It's a multi-generational story told in the Lifetime voice of women living, dating and working in Brighton Beach," Gena McCarthy, Lifetime's senior vice president for nonfiction programming, told the Post. "You'll see women in their 20s, 30s and 40s and even grandmothers ... women and men as they date and struggle to assimilate," she said. And, unlike "Jersey Shore" -- which revolves around a bunch of twenty-something pals -- there will be several families featured in the series, which doesn't have an air-date yet.

Umm, what part of this sounds like “Jersey Shore?”  Just shameless advertising.  And if you’re going to try and piggy back on a cultural breakout don’t you go with Russian Sex and the City here?  And grandmothers dating? Who are they targeting with this crap.  You’re Lifetime, stick to the script, its tried and proven.  Woman is suspicious of husband/BF, woman's suspicions are confirmed.  Woman is then beaten by husband/BF. Husband/BF is locked up/killed, woman looked at publicly as hero for giving all other women hope.

Slots, Booze, Smokes, Welfare? - Bay State welfare recipients can play the slots, pick up a six-pack of beer or nab a flat-screen plasma TV under loosey-goosey Bay State restrictions that allow those on the dole to treat taxpayers’ wallets as their own personal ATM…“I’m offended. The idea is welfare benefits are supposed to go to people who can’t work and are just barely getting by,” said the bar owner, who requested anonymity. “As a taxpayer I’m surprised the state wants to make it this easy to allow welfare recipients to misuse our money like this.”

This is new?  Gambling, alcohol and tobacco have been recession proof industries for decades now and the Boston Herald has just caught on as to why? 

 And this anonymous bar tender can cut the shit.  The only thing he’s offended by is the fact that his un-ethical cash cow is now in the public light. 

Barbershop Infidelity

This blog is the first guest blog I've had on the site, brought to you by "The Maestro."  If anyone else is interested in hitching their wagon to my star, feel free to submit ideas or entire blogs from time to time (I like this approach better, I'm kind of a lazy person, if you've done a decent enough job writing I'll just post your submission as is. If the idea is good but your writing sucks I'll re-write and give you a shout) to thealttab@gmail.com.

 This particular entry touches on something I'm sure all guys can relate to, at least those of us that moved on from SuperCuts once we graduated middle school.

 I cheated on my girlfriend of nearly 10 years with an exotic pr*stitute yesterday, and I can’t stop thinking about it.  Well, not exactly…I got my haircut at a different barber after going to the same one for the last 10 years.  Now let me start by saying I’ve never cheated on my girlfriend with a foreign pr*stitute, but I imagine this must be exactly what it feels like.  Then again, I’ve never actually had either (as far as you know), so we’re making a lot of assumptions here.     Anyways, I just got back from a bachelor party in LA, so I was still kind of in “guy’s weekend” mode…had Monday off to recover, and my regular barber was “away for the weekend” (he’s closed on Mondays).  I needed a haircut bad, and figured I’d never have this opportunity again.  I go to this place around the corner from me (fittingly enough called Guy’s), peruse the selection of Playboys on the table to get me in the mood…all the while looking over my shoulder to see if I’d been noticed.     As soon as I sat down in the chair and the clippers started going, I got a sinking feeling in my stomach.  Oh no…this is wrong…what have I done?  When the hair started falling off, I realized there was no going back, so I just had to suck it up and wait till it was over (I think there’s a certain Bobby Knight quote that applies here, but this is a family blog.)  It was terrible…there was no conversation, and what was spoken was spoken in broken English.  He didn’t know “how I like it”, and I ended up getting overcharged at the end.  The silver lining was that he did something to me that I had never had done before.  When the warm shaving cream and razor blade went around the edges of my hair, it was quite the rush.  At the same time, I feel like its way too short, and whenever people comment on it, I get uncomfortable and try to change the subject.     I’m already dreading the next time I see my regular barber and he asks me where I’ve been.  I want to say I’ll never go back, but hey, a guy has his needs.


  -The Maestro

Google Car

Google Car - (Mashable) -- Google announced Sunday that it has developed cars that drive themselves automatically in traffic, and that it has been testing them on the streets of California for months.
Thank God for Google.  Anyone that has heard me rant about this subject before knows that I’ll be the first in line for one of these babies.  Short of actual teleportation I’ve dreamed for years now of just getting in my car, zoning out or taking a nap, and arriving at my destination stress free (to the smartasses that are going to point out that I could always take a bus, I ask you this.  How often have you felt relaxed enough to nap on the bus? Might as well take a nap in the lobby of a mental hospital at that point). 
Let’s break down some points from this historic news.

1.      Only one accident, and it was caused by human error.  And this is in Southern California.  Do you have any idea how many undocumented illegals these cars have encountered in Southern California? One accident in month’s worth of testing is downright miraculous.

2.      “The vehicles' instant reaction time and 360-degree awareness would allow them to drive closer together on the highway than humans can”  That alone sold me.  I don’t know if you’re anything like me (but I assume you’re just as awesome as I am, you are reading this blog after all), but when I’m in traffic and the car in front of me begins leaving more than one car length of space between themselves and the car in front of them it leaves me with a few tough choices.  A. Sit there and curse the inferior driver at the top of my lungs but ultimately do nothing about it. B. Swerve into the grass on the left (you won’t find me anywhere but the fast lane) and jump in front of the asshole.  He left the space, he was asking for it. Or, C. Live out the bumper car fantasy on the highway and push them to close the gap.  I’m edging closer and closer to C each day.

3.      “But the biggest benefit for Google would be the hour or so of daily commute time the car owner would save. Instead of driving, he or she could either be productive or entertained in the vehicle, doing work on a wireless Internet (Internet) connection or watching television.”  The “doing work” thing seems counter-intuitive to the idea as a whole (I’m trying to do less work, that’s why I’m having a computer drive for me) but sign me up for the rest.  A bit of directed advertising is a small price to pay if I can catch up with my DVR while on the ride to family cookouts. 

4.      They don’t mention it in the article but this would eliminate two of the biggest hassles known to mankind.  The DMV, because as soon as it’s legal for my car to chauffer me around you can bet your ass I’m never stepping foot inside that leper colony again. And Auto Insurance Companies.  If I’m not driving I’d argue I don’t need to be insured. The auto makers themselves should be on the hook

5.      “The most optimistic projections put this technology at least eight years away from market, though.”  Shit.  Guess I’ll be looking up that bus schedule after all. 

Teenage Dream

I was going to wait 'til tomorrow to share this with all of you but I literally haven't stopped watching this kids videos for the past two day (also if your office is anything like mine then you can't access youtube at work, silly productivity concerns, like I can't find other things to occupy my time).

I've got to hand it to him, once King of Queens came to an end I was pretty sure Patton Oswald's acting career was over.  Not much of a market for short and pudgy guys with gigantic foreheads.  Who knew all this time he'd been banging out hit after hit in obscurity on youtube.

America's Useless Education System

Anyone else ever bothered by how much useless knowledge you have? Or how that space you'll never get back could have been used for more productive or profitable information?

I constantly think about this, and it goes beyond just having meaningless trivia knowledge.  I'm talking about stuff that has been ingrained since my elementary school days. Stupid stuff that we have no real need for and never will, even the trivial stuff comes in handy when watching Jeopardy with friends, trivia night at bars, or filling out crossword puzzles.  The stuff I'm talking about is truly useless.

Two examples taught to everyone in my generation (and presumably still being taught); hand writing and Roman numerals.  I can think of  no point in time in my life beyond the point where I was being graded for my knowledge and expertise of each subject that I have needed either of these arcane literary tools.

Hand writing- The generation prior to mine was probably the last to need this, and even then it was for a small window in time.  Why are we still wasting time on this? If I never needed it, kids today certainly won't.  Ever since about the 5th grade the only time I've used cursive is signing checks and/or legal documents.  That's it.  Teach these kids how to create a rock star signature (I personally spent hours perfecting mine on Little League baseball photos made to look like actual baseball cards), and just leave it at that. An awesome signature will take you places in life, much more-so than perfecting the lower case z.  Start teaching kids to type, give them a skill that might actually get them a job, assuming there are still jobs in this country when they get older.  If I see one more co-worker pecking away with just their index fingers I'm going to snap.  You're an adult, type like an adult. 

Roman Numerals - Of all the subject matter I've retained in life this is by far the biggest waste of space.  Aside from Super Bowls (which needs to stop, I'm sure the average country bumpkin NFL fan has no clue what these mean anyway) I've never needed this.  For that matter I'm pretty certain the majority of my ancestors have never needed this either, yet we keep teaching it to children.  Roman numerals were replaced sometime during the 14th century!  Kids aren't taught Latin anymore because its a dead language (even though its far more relevant and useful than Roman Numerals), yet we keep pushing this system that was deemed replaceable 700  years ago (for obvious reasons, think about how confusing multiplication would be, trying being eight years old and wrapping you're mind around X x X = C). Do you think the Japanese are wasting time with this foolish system? I don't.  They dropped the abacus a long time ago, its time for us to drop this.  You want to teach the kids a neat form of code? Teach them computer/internet code.  Unless the kids are aspiring to careers that involve cave drawings, I'm pretty sure learning a few basic lines of code a year will benefit the them and our future society much more. 

The American job market is evolving, our education system needs to do the same.  It's too late for my generation, at least give the next one a chance, and besides, someone needs to support my social security checks when I retire.

Am I a Middle Manager?

Monday again, bringing another week of  middle managing for the CW.  Probably the biggest reason I started this blog was to take my mind off the fact that Monday-Friday from the hours of 10-7 I am a robotic, cold, soul-less middle manager.  At least I hope I am.

Allow me to explain.  You see, I have all the responsibilities of a middle manager (aka annoying crap), along with a slight power and salary edge over the members of my team, all key indicators pointing to being a middle manager.  I however have noticed two things in the past few months that have made me think I may be even lower on the totem poll than I thought.  Somewhere lower than middle manager, yet higher than entry level employee.  A little slice of heaven hell I like to call Corporate Limbo.

First, and this is definitely the more important of the two, I haven't received a corporate issue Blackberry.  As we all know, the corporate Blackberry is the international symbol of the middle manager (some of you might point out that executives also carry Blackberry's and are now wondering how you can tell the difference between a happy, successful exec and a miserable, depressed middle manager.  Have no fear, as a general rule of thumb if the Blackberry is a current or very recent model they are presumably an exec, if the Blackberry in question is a few model years old and built like a tank you can presume the person in possession is a middle manager).  Middle managers live and breathe their company 24 hours a day with the small hope of some day making the executive level, this is most evident when observing their bionic hand feeding them a constant stream of corporate communications and client e-mails that they are able to delete immediately upon receipt, as opposed to just waiting until 10 am the next day as I currently do. 

Secondly, my manager is definitely a middle manager (all the aforementioned responsibilities, power, salary, and he has the blackberry).  By default I don't think I can have the same title as the person I directly report to, that would cause the kind of corporate chaos that led to the downfall of Initech.  No, my title and status have to be a rung below his if only to keep the actual middle manager's self-esteem high enough that the company can deflect their responsibility to provide depression counseling.  I think I'll title myself a "Lower Level Leader."  It's alliterative (always a plus when introducing new corporate jargon), and pretty accurately describes my current status level. 

My question is should I be happy about this?  I've avoided the public stigma (in my mind) that goes with being a middle manager, but I've ultimately admitted that I'm a level lower.  Leave a comment, let us know what you think, or where you rank in the corporate ladder.